For the first time, there’s Reasonable Doubt for you, the Jay Z owner. Asking yourself, on Growing Pains, am I, Boner? You’re supposed to put up goose eggs, and be all zen. Now the Black Album is scrambled, got funky albumen. Grey told me don’t draft a top starter, but I got Jordan Zimmermann not Shawn Carter. Jigga what…is with all the runs? His starts make me want to curse, hide your nuns. Pardon my question, but my H2H is on tilt and I need streamers from the SON, see. This is fantasy, where’s my funzies!? Yesterday, Zimmermann went 2 1/3 IP and gave up seven, but at least I have Kershaw, Strasburg and Samardzija. Wait, then why is my team’s ERA pushing five and I don’t have anything that rhymes with Samardzija!? As for Zimmermann, he looks like he’s hiding an injury so far this year. Velocity’s down, Ks are down, pitches are up. I wouldn’t panic trade him, but I wonder if something might be wrong and I would explore trade possibilities. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jayson Werth – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Get him in your lineup! And please direct other questions to Tom in the “Get Him In Your Lineup Unless You Have Someone Better” Department. Tom no longer works in this department.”
Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Now two Zimmermann starts in a row that his brother from a lesser letter has gone deep. If Ryan Z. is seen petitioning Matt Williams to make Jordan Z. an everyday reliever, we’ll know why.
Ian Desmond – 0-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .115. At least he’s not hitting as bad as he’s fielding.
Hanley Ramirez – Left yesterday’s game after fouling a ball off his foot. He said his dogs were barking, which makes sense since his CAT scan was negative.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (2) and double helping of legs (1, 2). “I did it all for the Mookie! This could be our comeback!” That’s Fred Durst screaming into his phone at his manager, who put the phone down and walked away to get a donut.
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .433. Plenty of time, don’t need the microwave, but I’d put Ted Williams’s Frozen Head on the counter just to get it to room temperature. It’s gonna wanna see this.
Rick Porcello – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. Why do I feel like the Red Sox are going to win 100 games and then lose their first playoff series because of pitching? Am I soothsayer? A sayer of soothes? Did I eat a Magic Eight Ball for breakfast? Or am I just stating what’s obvious to everyone except Red Sox fans?
Henderson Alvarez – Hit the DL with a shoulder injury. The Marlins say it’s not serious. Ri8ght. Coming into this year, he averaged 93+ MPH on his fastball. So far this year, his fastball has been around 90 MPH. If he writes that on the patient intake form for Dr. James Andrews, he will have Tommy John surgery by May 1st. Filling in for him will be David Phelps, who I like more than Alvarez. Okay, that’s not fair to Phelps. I don’t like Alvarez at all, but I do like Phelps, in general. Not sure what the Stream-o-Nator says about Phelps’s start, but I could streaming him vs. the Mets.
Shelby Miller – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K. Shelby seems incapable of throwing a start that gets you pumped about owning him. A Shelby can do your income taxes, if you need a root canal, Shelby’s your man. But pumped about Shelby on the hump? Nope.
Kendrys Morales – 2-for-4, 2 runs, hit his 2nd homer, hitting .414. Maybe he’s nothing but a hot schmotato, but, at this point, if you’re not picking him up, someone else is going to and you’re gonna be kicking yourself for your inaction. The Morales of the story, grab him!
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .360. You know when Mostsuckass gets home, he’s taking a screenshot of his average.
Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite!
Michael Pineda – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks. There’s supposed to be candy that pours out with Pineda is hit. I want my candy!
Brett Gardner – Went for X-rays on his stiff wrist, but he’s fine. Nothing wrong with a stiff wrist, according to my grandfather. It’s the limp ones you gotta worry about. Ah, a different time. When men were men, and everyone was openly intolerant.
Stephen Drew – 1-for-1, and a grand slam after he came into the game late. This is the 2nd game in a row he’s homered, and, I’m the last person to defend Drew, but what on earth do the Yankees have better that he’s not in the lineup every day? You don’t need to answer, they don’t have anything.
Mark Teixeira – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Hide your brain custard, we could have a Zombino sighting.
Krispie Young – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in his last two starts (didn’t start on Sunday). Looks like Krispie could give some AL-Only value in daily leagues where you can bench him when he’s out of the lineup. Though, it’s not clear when he will be benched. When a guy strikes out against a pitching machine, it does sorta throw matchups out the window.
Andrew Miller – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER and the save. By August, Miller’s going to be entering games in the 3rd inning. Speaking of which… Fun fact! When Joe Torre texts Scott Proctor, he texts back, “This is Scott’s son. Scott can’t use his arm.”
Adam Jones – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .440. During my RCL draft after Cano was drafted, I said something like, “There’s a pick you’re bored by right after you make it.” That’s the same deal with Jones, but the difference is you love owning Jones once the season starts.
Alejandro De Aza – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 1st steal. In the preseason, I kept thinking De Aza would end up playing every day and having great value. I should’ve been more aggressive with him. And less aggressive with mothereffin Gyorko!
Wei-Yin Chen – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks and could pitch a perfect game and no one would ever want to own him.
LaTroy Hawkins – After I speculated yesterday that Hawkins should lose the closer job, Walt Weiss announced just that. Weiss said that Hawkins was getting “a break.” The inference there is that Hawkins is getting a break from losing games for the Rockies and he should’ve retired after he inconceivably made it through last year with the closer job. Weiss gave yesterday’s save to Betancourt, because Weiss apparently only trusts guys that remember the first Woodstock. I’m guessing that Weiss was only going with Betancourt because Adam Ottavino had thrown the previous two days. To say I’m 100% sure that Weiss will make the smart choice and go to Ottavino from this point forward would be me lying to you. I would never lie to you; I’m Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario! If I were grabbing a speculative closer, I’d go Ottavino first, but I’d own Betancourt for now because, since he got a clean save yesterday, Weiss may take that to mean he should be the closer. This is now officially the longest blurb in the history of blurbs. Call Guinness.
Eddie Butler – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K as he tied owners to a WHIPping post. If this game were in Coors, at least half of those baserunners would’ve scored. I wouldn’t trust Butler, except to open doors for opposing hitters.
DJ LeMahieu – 3-for-4, hitting .517. Forget DJ Red Alert, this is DJ and a hot schmotato alert!
Nori Aoki – 2-for-4 and his 1st steal, hitting .412, and looking Aoki doki. I told you to pick him up yesterday and today I’m reiterating that on the aforementioned tip!
Chris Heston – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, 1.38 ERA thru two games. I streamed him this week for his two starts and it’s not too late to get on board for his 2nd start of the week that the Stream-o-Nator likes, and I like doubly. By the by, try to say doubly without sounding drunk. It’s impossible.
Devin Mesoraco – Headed for an MRI on his hip. A catcher with hip problems + MRI = Capricorn. Math’s slightly off there. Was supposed to equal “not a good sign.”
Billy Hamilton – Day-to-day with a sore finger. Shame on a finga!
Brandon Phillips – 4-for-5, 2 runs. Get busy, Phillips! I’m talking to casting directors right now. Busy Phillips is underused.
Jorge Soler – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and two homers. You know who made Soler power possible, right? Al Gore.
Jon Lester – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 7.84. Don’t worry, it’s still early. Not in the grand scheme of things if you’re waiting since 1908.
Chris Coghlan – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in three games. I truly believe whoever would’ve played while Mike Olt was nursing an injury would’ve been great. That’s the way Mike Olt’s career has been. Valbuena owes his entire career to prospblocking Olt.
Jake Odorizzi – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks in Toronto. A pitcher who is usually not good on the road, going into Rogers Centre and holding the Blue Jays first seven hitters hitless is like going to a Jewish wedding and not being introduced to someone’s single niece. It just doesn’t happen.
Ryan Rua – Will be in a walking boot for three weeks. Damn, he must’ve really had a ton of parking tickets.
Kole Calhoun – Sat out his second straight game due to a calf injury. Filling in for him was Cowgill. Calf injury allowing Cowgill to play? I sense a conspiracy. Are they in cahoofs?
Matt Shoemaker – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Peaches? Cherries? Apples? No. This Cobbler makes quality starts.
David Freese – 1-for-4 and his third homer. I knew I should’ve taken Freese in the first round instead of Abreu. *slams head against desk*
Brandon McCarthy – 7 IP, 5 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks. He’s going for the xFIP record: 12 IP, 19 Ks, 1 BB(!) and 9 ER. That is sexiest/ugliest line ever.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers. Balls are really jumping out of Dodger Stadium this year. That’s what she said! Huh?
Dustin Ackley – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .353 and led off yesterday. Hot schmotato alert! Actually, he might be more than a hot schmotato, but either way I’d own him.
Yasiel Puig – 3-for-5 and his 2nd homer. And the Pweeg ran all the way home!
Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Matt Garza 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks. I don’t own either guy, so I wouldn’t usually watch this, but I did since it was an early game. As they were showing Garza and Wainwright, I kept thinking how they look like they’re extras from American Crime. Why does Garza have to be one of those people? Why can’t Wainwright’s mom just accept his Asian fiancee? Why is the dialogue out of sync?
Kolten Wong – 0-for-1, 1 run, 3 walks. You know where three walks would be good? At the top of the lineup!
Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .360, and 2nd day in a row I’ve mentioned the Superfluous H because, ya know, he’s hitting. The H is O!
Josh Harrison – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st home run, hitting .217. He’s been ice cold so far, but maybe this will warm him up and get things moving as Harrison sings, My Sweet Fjord.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer as he hits .304. Corey Hart breathing down his neck with stale 80’s era halitosis is lighting a fire under Alvarez.
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. I get it, Jew Don, I was supposed to draft you on all my teams. Please stop being petty and rubbing it in my face. I’m thanking you in advance.
Anibal Sanchez – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks. I didn’t love Anibal coming into this year, but his first two games have actually been solid aside from ERA. Nice Ks, WHIP and was just left in the game a little too long yesterday. His velocity has been down, and it’s too early to say I’m excited by him, but it’s also too early to say I’m unexcited by him. Anibal’s opening to rave reviews, “Grey says he’s unexcited!” “Grey will be watching him in his next, not-Opening Day weekend start!” “All in third person and loaded with weird syntax!”
Scott Kazmir – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. 17 more starts before you need to sell.
Billy Butler – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his first homer. His homer went completely out of Minute Maid Park. Was there any doubt that a Juice Box would hold Butler?
Marcus Semien – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. I hear Semien’s was a real shot, but I refuse to watch replays.
Jose Altuve – 3-for-4 and his 1st homer. With Altuve and Butler homering in the same game, I’m reminded of a short stack of pancakes.