MJ’s Wanna Be Buyin’ Something

(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH.)

Who knew the most emblematic song about MJ would’ve been Smooth Criminal? Or going from Pretty Young Thing to Beat It. Or Bad. Jeez, now that I think about it, a lot of Michael Jackson songs become Creep City. Would’ve been hilarious if he named Neverland, “Creep City.” Not haha funny, but more like, “Hey, lots of red flags here, guys, maybe we should investigate?” Speaking of investigating, MJ Melendez (how about that segue?) sounds like a 90s tabloid reporter who would’ve been invited to Neverland to “take a look around” while the help hide children in closets, waiting for Michael. Speaking of segues, I took a Segway tour through Beverly Hills and we stopped at the former Menendez Brothers’ house and the people who now live there just looked at us with disgust. Was pretty cool. Any hoo! Sal Perez is the type to play through all kinds of shizz, so that he was IL’d means he must’ve truly been hurt. MJ Melendez was also up with the club even before the Sal P. IL stint, so the Royals seem committed to him. We don’t care about catchers usually, but Melendez could be a 17-homer, .250 catcher this year with even some steals thrown in. Him or Adley? If both were up, I don’t think Adley’s necessarily the better choice for this year. The guy who is up right now is the easy call. A-B-C, as easy as 1-2-3, for the King of Pop Times. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Alejandro Kirk – “Live long, and pop times.” — Famous quote from Kirk. I’m a big pop time guy this week, huh? Any hoo, kinda shocked to see Kirk only rostered in 43% of RCL leagues, and 14% of ESPN leagues, but then I looked at the Player Rater, and he was around the 30th best catcher, and I’m not in many 30-team leagues, so I kinda understood it. This buy is about what he can do vs. what he has done.

Juan Yepez – *lays velvet down on glass case, then lays down a very special collectible* This is my Ye Pez. When you open his mouth, you don’t get candy, you get utter nonsense.

Christian Walker – Mentioned last week that Walker’s Statcast was gorge, and then someone commented this week, asking if I had seen it, so IS ANYONE READING THIS?! Walker could hit 30 homers this year (which might lead the majors), while hitting .220, i.e., he’s not Mr. Perfect, Curt Hennig.

Yuli Gurriel – Astros’ lineup will be better for counting stats than most, and Yuli seems incapable of hitting below .270. The power might not be big-time for long, but he is currently hitting dingers. “Hittin’ Dingers,” a song about Cougs parallel parking.

Brett Phillips – I debated including Phillips, Isaac Paredes and/or Vidal Brujan, and would you look at that, they’ve all been included!

Willi Castro – One of my Draft & Hold teams has been helped by Willi Castro and Jace Peterson recently, and hurt by literally every other hitter I drafted in the first five rounds. Get hot, Matt Olson, you giant bozo!

Nolan Gorman – Here’s me going over Nolan Gorman:

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Jonathan Schoop – Recently, Gerardo Parra retired, and I regret to inform you we will never get a double play combo of Parra/Schoop to see a Baby Shark.

Brendan Rodgers – In Coors, he’s a top 10 MI. Outside of Coors, I’m not sure I’d roster him in an 18-team league, and that’s without even looking at his home and away numbers. I couldn’t give two splits.

Tommy La Stella – My suggestion for the Giants’ DH spot is to make it Tommy LG Stella, and the LG is Luis Gonzalez. Though, they also have Darin Ruf. Make it Stella Menageatrois?

Ha-Seong Kim – Wasn’t a great week for shortstop suggested buys, tee bee aitch. Do I really foresee a lot of people grabbing Kim? Not really, unless you want your Eminem card pulled.

Gio Urshela – There’s an opening for Urshela to be the Twins’ three-hole hitter, which is so freakin’ funny. The other day they had Garlick in that slot. Great if you’re in a night game worried about vampires, not great in general.

Jace Peterson – Going on two weeks with Jace Peterson being recommended, and nothing possibly going through my brain except 57 hours of Dateline episodes about Laci Peterson. “Hello, I’m Keith Morrison, and I’m here in this beautiful bucolic town, where no one suspected a thing, as Michael washed blood off his boat in his driveway.”

Mike Moustakas – Mostly, Mostsuckass, but lately Moistasskiss.

Hunter Dozier – Simply, listing him here because Christian Walker was already listed. I kid. On the 7-day Player Rater, Dozier has been less sleepy than usual.

Emmanuel Rivera – A new name to the mix, so get ready to find out about Emmanuel Rivera! The excitement, I can hear it from here! He has good contact, solid eye, might hit .260, but not a ton of power, and no speed. He’s been getting starts at 3rd with Bobby Witt Jr. moving to short. Can call him Ozark, because he’s the Missouri Rivera.

Eli White – Another guy who needs an explanation — fun! Eli White was the go-to actor any time there was a Jewish gangster. Wait, that’s not right. He’s become the leadoff hitter in Texas, and has 30-steal speed and maybe 10-homer power. He’s what I was expecting from Lane Thomas this preseason, and Lane Thomas became…Well, I have Thomas on fantasy teams, and I think he retired. The worry with White is he might hit .190.

Ben Gamel – *pulling a string on a conspiracy corkboard*…If Gamel became Bryan Reynolds, then who is Bryan Reynolds? *pulls string on the corkboard from a picture of Bryan Reynolds to a picture of a toilet*

Brad Miller – Fun fact! A Bra Miller is a brassiere koozie for beer — let me on Shark Tank! And Brad Miller is a hot schmotato.

Wil Myers – For some reason, I’m reminded of Jason Heyward. Just two guys who had such high hopes and feel like they completely disappointed their whole career. Any hoo! Myers has been decent recently. On the 7-day Player Rater, he was next to Tyler Naquin when I wrote this up. Call them Tylers, if you Wil.

Kyle Lewis – He’s calling from inside the house! Ahhh!!! The house is T-Mobile, and he’s about to be activated.

Kole Calhoun – You know the Rangers either were on the road in good hitters’ parks recently, or it was a bad week for outfielders on waivers, when I’ve listed two Rangers’ outfielders. You be the judge!

Cristian Javier – I like Javier, in general, so grab him, but this is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to the local public library.

Michael Lorenzen – This is also a Streamonator call. “Do you have the book, How to Win Friends and Influence People? I wanna re-read the first half for the 17th time.”

Brooks Raley – More like Brooks Ending-the-other-team’s-Raley! I nailed it! High five me! No? Low five? No? Okay.

Paul Sewald – Mentioned on this week’s podcast, but I have no idea who the M’s closer is. Sewald should be, but I don’t think he is. When Ken Giles returns, he might be the closer, but that might not be until after the All-Star Break. Andres Munoz is a great option, but I don’t think Scott Servais thinks so.

Emilio Pagan – At some point, Pagan will blow up, and I’ll mutter, “Should’ve listened to Geraldo about satanic worship,” but for now he’s been great, getting saves, and way more the prototypical closer for the Twins, than Duran.

Hansel Robles – Likely the best bet in Boston for saves, which makes one think, “Why did the Red Sox not sign one single decent reliever this past year?”

Adam Cimber – Bullpen Chart is updated daily with changes, if there’s actual changes. What’s going on with Jordan Romano? I don’t know but it’s grating. (You’re walking right into some puns today.)

Brock Burke – Welcome back to Wild On E! and I’m your host, Brock Burke! My velocity is up to 95 MPH, gaining three miles per hour, and it’s translated into way more strikeouts. This episode of Wild On! is like Maxim magazine in TV form, but I’m not Wild On! the plate, showing great command.

SELL

Michael Kopech – Welp, this one sucks. This sucks for me because I have Kopech in many leagues. I had no idea what a mess his peripherals were, so when I learned it, I took a five-second power nap. I do not like learning bad news! His strikeout and walk rate are downright yawnstipating. Maybe they need a five-second siesta. His BABIP is goofy low, very lucky and unsustainable. His hair handsome — his homers allowed unsustainable! I don’t want to continue; it’s too painful. Kopech should be usable, but his ERA is telling a story his other numbers are not supporting. Stupid unsupportive numbers! I wouldn’t trade him for an Exxon credit card with a $5 credit limit, but I would go to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.