“Michael Taylor and Keon Broxton are pizza delivery men. ¬†And–Yes, two of them delivering one pizza. ¬†Okay, and you answer the door naked.” ¬†Jim Bowden squints, considering it. ¬†“Can I be riding a Segway?” ¬†“Sure, sure.” ¬†“And you’re saying it’s not erotic?” ¬†“Not traditionally.” ¬†That was a pitch for a Showtime After Dark movie called The Bowden Fluffers. ¬†Before they’re through, they will also pitch it to Skinemax, Spike and NatGeo TV. ¬†Sadly, no one will bite on the Fluffers, pardon the phrasing. ¬†They will say they want to work with Michael Taylor and Keon Broxton again in the future, and rightfully so. ¬†Brucely, I was shocked they were both under 50% owned in ESPN leagues. ¬†I’d usually go on to say something snide here about ESPN leagues, but I get the feeling that we’re thisclose to every fantasy site closing its doors and opening its own video chatroom. ¬†Who would’ve guessed twenty years in the future all journalism professors would be Max Headroom? ¬†Any hoo! ¬†I’m off-off topic. ¬†Taylor has 11 HRs and nine SBs and hitting around .275, and Broxton has 13 HRs and 14 SBs and hitting around .250. ¬†If these numbers don’t immediately grab you like an angry sock puppet that needs its coffee, then you don’t know fantasy value. ¬†On our Player Rater, Broxton is the 24th best outfielder and Taylor the 46th best, i.e., they should be owned in 100% of leagues. ¬†Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Robinson Chirinos – Let’s talk about what’s really on my mind! ¬†If you’re turned on during a museum tour of a King Tut exhibit, do you have a Mummy complex? ¬†As for Chirinos, he has homers in four of his last five games.
Matt Adams – It took legit six weeks, but it looks like the 1st basemen on waivers finally dried up. ¬†All that’s left is Matt Adams and KY Jelly! ¬†Ew. ¬†I feel like present-day Ted Danson looking back at black-faced Ted Danson and thinking even that’s a bit too far me.
Mitch Moreland – No one loves a schmotato more than I, and Moreland is a ripe for the pickin’ schmotato. ¬†Speaking of which, how do you know when a potato is ripe? ¬†Does it turn brown? ¬†I’m serious, I have no idea. ¬†I’m such a city boy, I should’ve starred in Sweet Home Alabama instead of Reese.
Danny Valencia – Is it just me or do you also call this guy, Valencia Buttercup? ¬†Maybe it’s me. ¬†Any hoo! ¬†Valencia is hitting near-.500 in the last week. ¬†Oh, um, whoa, Buttercup.
Scooter Gennett – I alluded to this other day, you can’t catch me po-po! ¬†Wait, that’s when I was eluding. ¬†The other day I said maybe this is Scooter’s big breakout, which sounds like a Dollar Store Bob The Builder knockoff.
Ian Happ – This Happens often — ugh, no pun, no pun, no pun! — Ian trying to avoid Happening puns…but…am…failing. ¬†Okay, back. ¬†This occurs often (better!), I put a guy in the Buy because he was hot last week, and by the time Friday comes around I think he’s cooled off. ¬†I think this is what Ian Happened here — ugh.
Paul DeJong – With Aledmys sent down, DeJong should get playing time, which is more or less everything nice I can say about him. ¬†He has some power, but will likely strike out a ton and hit for a lousy average. ¬†By the by, someone in an NL-Only league offered me Aledmys for Cozart hours after Diaz was sent down. ¬†This gets me so pissed off. ¬†It’s basically the fantasy baseball equivalent of saying, “I think you’re a stupid jerk off.”
Orlando Arcia – I’m convinced Arcia is going to be a thing at some point in the next two years. ¬†Like a full-on, “Can this guy be a top 20 bat?” thing. ¬†We’re not there yet, or necessarily close, but I’m already excited about drafting him next year and he might be my first 2018 sleeper.
Ketel Marte – Fun fact! ¬†When Marte is ordering a vodka, he just holds up one finger.
Franklin Barreto – I just gave you my Franklin Barreto fantasy. ¬†It was written while watching the Hulu documentary, Batman & Bill. ¬†Can’t recommend this doc highly enough, and I’m not into comic books at all.
David Peralta – On our Player Rater, Peralta is the 38th best outfielder. ¬†He’s owned in 43% of ESPN leagues. ¬†It gets better, though. ¬†He’s owned in 100% of Razzball Commenter Leagues. ¬†Eat a D, ESPN!
Joc Pederson – I know, we’ve been here before, but it’s time to get back in the Joc like a junk collector.
Nick Williams – Being called up by the Phillies, or as they will now be called, the Philliams. ¬†Williams will likely be on the strong side of a platoon with Nava and Perkins. ¬†Speaking of which, the java at Perkins Restaurant? ¬†It’s trucker speed disguised as coffee. ¬†Prospector Ralph said of Williams, “Short guy, wrote ‘We’ve Only Just Begun,’ and–” ¬†That’s when I specified to him I meant Nick Williams and not singer-songwriter, Paul Williams. ¬†PR said of Nick Williams, “Super athlete, batting practice hero, some power, some speed, all contact, no approach. ¬†Never walks.” ¬†In Triple-A, he had 15 HRs, 5 SBs and a .280 average. ¬†That’s hiding the 29% strikeout rate and 5% BB rate. ¬†That means, he could get hot, but he could also hit .205. ¬†Definitely worth a flyer in all leagues, but don’t drop anyone too good. ¬†Anyway, here’s some more players to–Wait, I’m in the middle of the post.
Curtis Granderson – About a month ago, I told everyone to sell Conforto. ¬†I took no pleasure in it, but Conforto was playing way above his head. ¬†I don’t think you can even sell Conforto anymore, other than throwing him in a trade. ¬†Grandy is correlated to Conforto, because he’s stolen his freakin’ lineup spot with his hot hitting.
Randal Grichuk – How much power can Grichuk muster if Grichuk keeps mustering power? ¬†I don’t know about muster, but he looks Gulden’s. ¬†What?! ¬†That was good! ¬†No? ¬†Okay.
Tommy Pham – I’m having one of those years in Tout Wars where everything I touch turns to gold. ¬†I’m currently in first by 17 points, and in an Only league that’s a lot of points. ¬†With that in mind, I own Pham.
Sam Dyson – This is the first time in a while I can remember owning a closer replacement in a league where I really need saves and hoping it’s a different guy who I don’t own. ¬†I have Dyson, and I’m praying to the Fantasy Baseball Overlord that Hunter Strickland becomes the fill-in for Melancon.
Bud Norris – He’s my guess for most saves the rest of the year in Anaheim Is 40 Minutes South Of Los Angeles. ¬†It could be five or six other guys, so I wouldn’t put much down on Norris’ Pass Line.
Trevor Rosenthal – Lot of exciting new guys getting saves this week, huh? ¬†Well, in fairness to Norris and Rosenthal, when you put Dyson on top it’s hard to bounce back from that, but Norris and Rosenthal aren’t exactly Aroldis and Kimbrel. ¬†You couldn’t make a $12 Salad from these three with 48 twenty-five cent side salads from McDonald’s.
Rafael Montero – Another Stream-o-Nator call. ¬†Why so much love for the Mets this weekend? ¬†They’re home and the Phils’ offense looks like it’s being coached by Fulio Janco, who is a Julio Franco imposter.
Jay Bruce – I know! ¬†It’s the broad side of the barn Sell. ¬†It’s like saying to an 8-year-old, “Is that a diamond in your nose? ¬†Oh, no, it’s snot.” ¬†It kills every time. ¬†Just as a 2nd half of the season kills Bruce every time. ¬†Last year, he hit .226 in the 2nd half. ¬†Year before, .199. ¬†Year before that, .201. ¬†I don’t care how good he looks this year. ¬†He has 20 HRs right now with a .266 average. ¬†Anyone wanna take the bet he finishes with more than 32 HRs and a .240 average? ¬†Anyone? ¬†I didn’t think so. ¬†Granted, I’m asking these questions to my dog, Ted, and his giant plushie, Lambchop. ¬†I’m glad in our house LC no longer stands for Lauren Conrad. ¬†I wouldn’t trade Bruce for a free steam with a group of Japanese businessmen, but I would explore options.