“Michael Taylor and Keon Broxton are pizza delivery men. And–Yes, two of them delivering one pizza. Okay, and you answer the door naked.” Jim Bowden squints, considering it. “Can I be riding a Segway?” “Sure, sure.” “And you’re saying it’s not erotic?” “Not traditionally.” That was a pitch for a Showtime After Dark movie called The Bowden Fluffers. Before they’re through, they will also pitch it to Skinemax, Spike and NatGeo TV. Sadly, no one will bite on the Fluffers, pardon the phrasing. They will say they want to work with Michael Taylor and Keon Broxton again in the future, and rightfully so. Brucely, I was shocked they were both under 50% owned in ESPN leagues. I’d usually go on to say something snide here about ESPN leagues, but I get the feeling that we’re thisclose to every fantasy site closing its doors and opening its own video chatroom. Who would’ve guessed twenty years in the future all journalism professors would be Max Headroom? Any hoo! I’m off-off topic. Taylor has 11 HRs and nine SBs and hitting around .275, and Broxton has 13 HRs and 14 SBs and hitting around .250. If these numbers don’t immediately grab you like an angry sock puppet that needs its coffee, then you don’t know fantasy value. On our Player Rater, Broxton is the 24th best outfielder and Taylor the 46th best, i.e., they should be owned in 100% of leagues. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Robinson Chirinos – Let’s talk about what’s really on my mind! If you’re turned on during a museum tour of a King Tut exhibit, do you have a Mummy complex? As for Chirinos, he has homers in four of his last five games.
Matt Adams – It took legit six weeks, but it looks like the 1st basemen on waivers finally dried up. All that’s left is Matt Adams and KY Jelly! Ew. I feel like present-day Ted Danson looking back at black-faced Ted Danson and thinking even that’s a bit too far me.
Mitch Moreland – No one loves a schmotato more than I, and Moreland is a ripe for the pickin’ schmotato. Speaking of which, how do you know when a potato is ripe? Does it turn brown? I’m serious, I have no idea. I’m such a city boy, I should’ve starred in Sweet Home Alabama instead of Reese.
Danny Valencia – Is it just me or do you also call this guy, Valencia Buttercup? Maybe it’s me. Any hoo! Valencia is hitting near-.500 in the last week. Oh, um, whoa, Buttercup.
Scooter Gennett – I alluded to this other day, you can’t catch me po-po! Wait, that’s when I was eluding. The other day I said maybe this is Scooter’s big breakout, which sounds like a Dollar Store Bob The Builder knockoff.
Ian Happ – This Happens often — ugh, no pun, no pun, no pun! — Ian trying to avoid Happening puns…but…am…failing. Okay, back. This occurs often (better!), I put a guy in the Buy because he was hot last week, and by the time Friday comes around I think he’s cooled off. I think this is what Ian Happened here — ugh.
Paul DeJong – With Aledmys sent down, DeJong should get playing time, which is more or less everything nice I can say about him. He has some power, but will likely strike out a ton and hit for a lousy average. By the by, someone in an NL-Only league offered me Aledmys for Cozart hours after Diaz was sent down. This gets me so pissed off. It’s basically the fantasy baseball equivalent of saying, “I think you’re a stupid jerk off.”
Orlando Arcia – I’m convinced Arcia is going to be a thing at some point in the next two years. Like a full-on, “Can this guy be a top 20 bat?” thing. We’re not there yet, or necessarily close, but I’m already excited about drafting him next year and he might be my first 2018 sleeper.
Ketel Marte – Fun fact! When Marte is ordering a vodka, he just holds up one finger.
Franklin Barreto – I just gave you my Franklin Barreto fantasy. It was written while watching the Hulu documentary, Batman & Bill. Can’t recommend this doc highly enough, and I’m not into comic books at all.
Joc Pederson – I know, we’ve been here before, but it’s time to get back in the Joc like a junk collector.
Nick Williams – Being called up by the Phillies, or as they will now be called, the Philliams. Williams will likely be on the strong side of a platoon with Nava and Perkins. Speaking of which, the java at Perkins Restaurant? It’s trucker speed disguised as coffee. Prospector Ralph said of Williams, “Short guy, wrote ‘We’ve Only Just Begun,’ and–” That’s when I specified to him I meant Nick Williams and not singer-songwriter, Paul Williams. PR said of Nick Williams, “Super athlete, batting practice hero, some power, some speed, all contact, no approach. Never walks.” In Triple-A, he had 15 HRs, 5 SBs and a .280 average. That’s hiding the 29% strikeout rate and 5% BB rate. That means, he could get hot, but he could also hit .205. Definitely worth a flyer in all leagues, but don’t drop anyone too good. Anyway, here’s some more players to–Wait, I’m in the middle of the post.
Curtis Granderson – About a month ago, I told everyone to sell Conforto. I took no pleasure in it, but Conforto was playing way above his head. I don’t think you can even sell Conforto anymore, other than throwing him in a trade. Grandy is correlated to Conforto, because he’s stolen his freakin’ lineup spot with his hot hitting.
Randal Grichuk – How much power can Grichuk muster if Grichuk keeps mustering power? I don’t know about muster, but he looks Gulden’s. What?! That was good! No? Okay.
Tommy Pham – I’m having one of those years in Tout Wars where everything I touch turns to gold. I’m currently in first by 17 points, and in an Only league that’s a lot of points. With that in mind, I own Pham.
Sam Dyson – This is the first time in a while I can remember owning a closer replacement in a league where I really need saves and hoping it’s a different guy who I don’t own. I have Dyson, and I’m praying to the Fantasy Baseball Overlord that Hunter Strickland becomes the fill-in for Melancon.
Bud Norris – He’s my guess for most saves the rest of the year in Anaheim Is 40 Minutes South Of Los Angeles. It could be five or six other guys, so I wouldn’t put much down on Norris’ Pass Line.
Trevor Rosenthal – Lot of exciting new guys getting saves this week, huh? Well, in fairness to Norris and Rosenthal, when you put Dyson on top it’s hard to bounce back from that, but Norris and Rosenthal aren’t exactly Aroldis and Kimbrel. You couldn’t make a $12 Salad from these three with 48 twenty-five cent side salads from McDonald’s.
Rafael Montero – Another Stream-o-Nator call. Why so much love for the Mets this weekend? They’re home and the Phils’ offense looks like it’s being coached by Fulio Janco, who is a Julio Franco imposter.
Jay Bruce – I know! It’s the broad side of the barn Sell. It’s like saying to an 8-year-old, “Is that a diamond in your nose? Oh, no, it’s snot.” It kills every time. Just as a 2nd half of the season kills Bruce every time. Last year, he hit .226 in the 2nd half. Year before, .199. Year before that, .201. I don’t care how good he looks this year. He has 20 HRs right now with a .266 average. Anyone wanna take the bet he finishes with more than 32 HRs and a .240 average? Anyone? I didn’t think so. Granted, I’m asking these questions to my dog, Ted, and his giant plushie, Lambchop. I’m glad in our house LC no longer stands for Lauren Conrad. I wouldn’t trade Bruce for a free steam with a group of Japanese businessmen, but I would explore options.