Mikey Chisox Pitched Kopech Of Pretty Pitch Logs

At one point in the 6th inning, Michael Kopech (7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.24) couldn’t see. He was blinded by a bug. The pitch clock was winding down, so he let it rip, and he said later, “I still don’t know where that pitch was that I threw. It was a strike, so it’s good. Seby [Zavala] came out and actually blew in my eye and got the bug out.” That bug, Flik, was voiced by Canadian heartthrob, Dave Foley. I don’t know how long Dave Foley’s been sitting in Kopech’s eye, but, with the success he’s been having recently, made we shouldn’t be so fast to blow our hot breath into his face, unless it was meant as an ode to Prom season by Seby. That is always worth commemorating. So, I try avoid doing a lede about the same guy but, way back in the first week of the season, I wrote about Michael Kopech because he looked so bad. Well, not exactly. I wrote, “There’s no direct evidence that the more handsome a pitcher, the more he’s going to screw you over — that we know of. We just haven’t studied it yet! Someone take a ruler and measure the distance between the eyes on Michael Kopech. Now measure the inches on his curve break. Do they match? The golden ratio that is his cheekbones, is that equal to his current 13.50 ERA? This is not eugenics, because we’re doing it for fantasy baseball purposes and not fantasy exterminations.” And that’s me quoting me! Well, we’re back here again, because we have to keep an open mind — someone grab me the head opener! — and Michael Kopech now has two great starts in a row. Since that first game of the season, Kopech only really has one other disaster. His velocity is up; his strikeouts are up; his command is better (in his last two starts) and, while not exactly performing at the level of his last two starts without luck — he needs to disallow homers on the reg — he’s looking more inline with the starter who we thought was going to be back when he was a top prospect. Was thought to be a slider-first pitcher, he’s relied on it less, while throwing it harder. It could be the recipe for success he needs. Either that, or someone put a bug back in his eye. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Owen Miller – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, as he hit cleanup, and 2nd homer in as many games, and 2nd day out of days where I’ve mentioned him. Yesterday, I gave you my Owen Miller fantasy. Don’t let guys stay hot on waivers.

Willy Adames – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .204. I like Adames, so don’t take this the wrong way, but it’s wild how Counsell sticks with him in the two-hole. If Counsell’s batting stance is any indication, his mind works in weird ways.

Brian Anderson – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer. Let’s just be happy I remember his name is Brian not Brett, and move on.

Adrian Houser – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Streamonator hates Houser’s guts. Like, it’s not nice, SON. He has been able to command his pitches well, so hate feels too much. A little meh? Yeah.

Marcus Semien – 1-for-5 and his 8th homer, hitting .299. His homer was a leadoff shot. Semien really knows how to make a splash!

Martin Perez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.83. Martin Perez isn’t good. He’s involved in a multi-year campaign to make himself seem good so you pick him up and he finally regresses.

Edouard Julien – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, that’s in 13 games. He’s also batting leadoff. Ed o u ar d man, huh?

Carlos Correa – Out with a bruised heel. Technically, any injury to him means he’s a bruised heel.

Anthony DeSclafani – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.43. Starting to feel like The Last Days of Disco. Still, man, he’s been more valuable than you could’ve hoped.

Francisco Alvarez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .253. Speaking like a three-year-old, “We’re Fran’s stans!”

Kodai Senga – 5 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.94. Is it bad that all I can think is at least he won’t be starting at Coors? Is it bad that I want my starters to start less? I think it might be.

Nico Hoerner – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .295. Nico Hoerner homering is like Santa’s Little Helper and Snowball walking in on their hind legs and saying “WE…LOVE…YOU…” because they are desperate for attention. Give it a rest, Hoerner! We all love Morel now!

Marcus Stroman – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.95. Not quite getting the strikeouts like we all would like to see, but maybe we prefer the wrong things. Maybe we should prefer a guy who is actually pitching well, instead of a guy who is pitching poorly who is supposedly good. Just a thought.

Ha-Seong Kim – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, hitting .237. Have nothing to say for Kim other than, the Gnats are a better team than the Padres. My God, the Padres suck. That team is like the Harlem Globetrotters if it lost every night to the Washington Generals. Just insane BDE that gets hosed every night tripping over its own D.

Evan Longoria – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Don’t think we’ve had one Zombino sighting this year. Score one for brain custard. This Longo long-dongo likely won’t be a Zombino either, because Longoria doesn’t play anywhere close to every day. Thankfully.

Trea Turner – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Simply the best! Better than all the rest! What perfect timing from T. Turner. Only thing that would’ve made this better is if he homered off a mad Max. RIP.

Steven Matz – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.72. Maybe I’m just a cynic, but I was half-expecting Oli Marmol to see enough from Matz by the 2nd inning, and bring in Liberatore with the Cards down four runs. That would’ve been when I threw my TV out the window.

Lars Nootbaar – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. With Treat Urner and Nootbaar going deep, it was the WBC all over again. Or a weird dream in the snack bar at Ikea.

Brendan Donovan – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. I’m hurting for power in one league, then I realize Donovan only has four homers, and I have Steven Kwan, and CJ Abrams, who’s been the best guy on my team for power, and–Okay, pretty clear why I have no homers.

Matt McLain – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in 2 games. Cincy is such a forgiving ballpark that you can hit a fly ball two feet short of a homer, and an outfielder will still alley-oops it out.

Ben Lively – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.65. I’m sorry, did you say Ben Lively? Isn’t that a Disney star? Does he know what happened to Amanda Bynes? Ben Lively has 131 career innings, yet a player page so lengthy that it needs a scroll.

Riley Greene – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .291. Know what kind of year Greene’s putting together? One where he will be a sleeper next year. I mean, there’s still time for him to have a huge 70% of the season, but it just doesn’t feel like it’s coming. Rosterable? Absolutely. Valuable for some leagues? Sure. But a huge breakout? Meh, maybe.

Gleyber Torres – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer. Gleyber is on a list of guys I get asked about dropping and I can’t really understand it.

Isiah Kiner-Falefa – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Israeli Diner Falafel knows chicks dig the long ball. Also knows chickpeas.

Nestor Cortes – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.30. Sometimes I think it’s better to lose a guy rather than going down with the ship. Nestor’s that this year. He’s not being unlucky; he’s just not being good.

Ryan Mountcastle – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Mountcastle in Yankee Stadium as his home park is challenging Pete Alonso for the home run lead.

Adam Frazier – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Adam Frazier has six times as many homers as Jose Abreu. *laughing as I slide under desk and begin to cry*

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer. Think this might’ve been the first home run I’ve had from Ohtani. My God is this nectar sweet!

Mike Trout – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Hmm, gonna research who this guy is and get back to you!

Zach Neto – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Don’t want to get too wrapped up in this because Neto hasn’t exactly earned it, but it is odd that the Angels keep trying to make Taylor Ward a leadoff guy while batting Neto ninth. Phil Nevin looks like he might be the dumbest manager in the majors, which is saying something, so I won’t belabor.

Corey Kluber – Moved to the bullpen. The Red Sox rotation is like the world’s tallest midget contest being held on top of quicksand.

James Paxton – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.14. Everyone last week, “Paxton is good again! Let’s get in on him!” This week, “My butt hurts.”

Jonathan Davis – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Hmm, okay, J.D. Davis has the worst superhero name.

Jorge Soler – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 14th homer. Only thing odd about Soler right now in Coors is he only has one home run per game.

Bryce Elder – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.01. Learned a lesson this year that I think I learn every year, so I don’t really ever learn it. I dropped Elder a few weeks ago, because he had tough upcoming matchups, before the correction, rather than wait for it. Streamonator has his next start as barely positive, and I’m raspberrying my lips. It looks great to me!

Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Ozuna looks like a cheap man’s Soler. Call him Duracell Solar Battery.

Matt Olson – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer. Was looking at Olson in the box score and I couldn’t help noticing Michael Harris II. Is that the best schmohawk post I’ve written? No, but it’s pretty freakin’ close. Holy crap has he been garbage! Wow, he sucks!

Mookie Betts – 2-for-5 and his 11th homer. Mookie Best!

Tony Gonsolin – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.82. Gastroenterologist said on the side of my ulcer it reads, “Rooting for Gonsolin to regress.”

Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .236. Is he Jorge Soler or better? Is Marcell Ozuna or better? I don’t know. I think better than the latter, and I think I know which one is the latter.

Bryce Miller – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.15. If we’re having a Miller Off, Bryce is walking away with the Miller Crown right now.

Danny Jansen – Left yesterday’s game with groin tightness. Contact your Scandinavian cousin Jansport and get a backpack filled with ice.

Shane McClanahan – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.97. Only mentioning McClanahanananananananan because I know if I don’t someone will comment, “You didn’t mention McClanahan! You’re so dumb!” See, I fear you guys. As if a top five starter going well needs to be mentioned.

Jose Siri – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in the last three games, and four homers in the last eight games. Went looking to make a joke that Siri was the worst hitter on the 1927 Yanks, and found a guy on that Yankees team named Urban Shocker, and I can’t beat that. Jose Siri, you are Urban Shocker.

Luke Raley – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Why doesn’t he just play every day? *moves finger down page to Subsection 4B of the new CBA* “Here, here! I found it! It says each team must carry at least one terrible hitter.” That’s the Rays being told they can’t get rid of Brandon Lowe.