Michael Conforto is a Buy. A Mets hitter. Long pause. Hearing Dominick the Donkey on the radio. Realizing that pause was until Christmas. “Hey, chingedy ching, hee haw, hee haw. It’s Conforto, the fantasy baseball Buy donkey. The Italian Christmas Fantasy Baseball Buy Donkey. He plays for the Mets and you know what this means? The label on the inside of his uni says they’re made in Queens.” In the beginning of the season, Conforto looked like he was working with three-quarters of his ability. So, who’s he, Confor? Julius Caesar never came, saw and Confor’d, right? The lawyers didn’t Confor with the judge before sentencing Conforto to three months of terrible hitting. Confor the lousy hitting, stay for the fear of success? Yes, but no. What I think we’re going to hear this offseason is Conforto is going to say the first few months of the season, his shoulder was still bothering him, but, by the 2nd half, that started to ease. On our last 7 day Player Rater, Conforto is top 15, and could be in store for a solid 2nd half if his injury is finally healed. Now get the Italian Christmas Fantasy Baseball Buy Donkey! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Mitch Garver – *you seeing Mitch Garver as the first Buy, you print out the page so you have a physical copy, then you burn this Buy, then you dial the phone* “Hello, voodoo priestess who I met online, is there a way to remove something I’ve seen from my thoughts?” I get it, Mitch Garver isn’t great in the traditional sense of the word great. But he has hit well in the last week.
C.J. Cron – This is hilarious in a sad, ‘what are you people doing’ type way. Cron is owned in as many leagues as Greg Bird. Here’s a little cheatsheet for you. Greg Bird has never been good for longer than two games in a row. Cron has been good this whole season.
Yonder Alonso – He’s also owned in less leagues than Bird. That makes sense if you read it backwards, so it says, “Common sense is dead.”
Robinson Cano – Likely going to be next week’s Buy lede if he’s still under 50% owned. By the by, earlier this week, I said something like, Jonathan Schoop or Tanaka are definitely in the lead to be this week’s Buy ledes. Yeah, well, I either underestimated or way overestimated you, because Tanaka is owned in 95% of leagues, which is way over the cut off to be included, and Schoop is owned in around 70% of leagues, which is also too many leagues (for this, not for reality in, uh, fantasy). Oh, and Cano is in the video at the top of this page. Watch it 56,000 times and earn me 56 cents!
Jeff McNeil – Here’s what I said when he was called up, “You know who’s even more excited about seeing McNeil? Asdrubal, because this almost certainly means he’s being traded. Then again, the Mets might just bench McNeil. That might be the more Mets thing to do. Why do we care? Jeff McNeil has looked more like Jeff Kent in the minors this year. He has 19 HRs and a .342 average in Double and Triple-A. Tri-A is PCL-aided, but he’s been hitting everything all year. He’s not a tater tot, however, he’s 26 years old, so might be a Quad-A player who just finally figured out the minor leagues, but is too old to do the same in the majors. I’d grab him in deeper mixed leagues and NL-Only for now.” And that’s me quoting me! Oh, and in classic Mets fashion, McNeil sat for two straight games. One thing we can say of the Mets is they are so Mets.
Maikel Franco – Franco’s brain up until two weeks ago: Got myself a starting job and no worries in the world! Franco’s brain the last two weeks: What do you mean I might get traded to the Orioles? I better hit!
Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – Ted Williams once had multiple hit games for 127 games straight so Gurriel won’t ever break that streak, but Gurriel is going on over a week of multiple hits.
Cameron Maybin – You know how if you put the AC on in your Corolla, then within 25 minutes the car overheats and you have to then put the heater on for five minutes, which ruins your vibe completely, but then you can put the AC on again for 25 minutes and then heat and then AC and then heat and so on? That’s Cameron Maybin. He’ll get you a 2-for-3 with two steals, but then he needs to sit with a sore hammy for three games.
Alex Verdugo – I get the feeling he’s about to get traded somewhere where he will be able to play full-time, but, honestly, not sure where and for what kind of piece. Maybe Ervin Santana? Feels a bit rich, but the Dodgers could really use an arm. Any hoo! You now know what I’m thinking. Let’s say you’re inside my brain, inside Tim Beckham’s, inside Maikel’s. We are the Russian nesting dolls of galaxy brains.
Kole Calhoun – The Calhoun brothers are interesting. One is hot and one is flashy, fun, not playing every day, not hitting when he does play, and might get demoted. Which one do I want? Sometimes logic doesn’t win out.
Kirby Yates – Is the new closer in San Diego, which may not be the case by Sunday, then Craig Stammen’s the next one in line, and if he’s gone too, then *tears up tickets, throws pieces of paper in the air* I quit!
Anthony Swarzak – Not a joke, I’d love to know what the Mets are doing with their closer shituation. Using one guy (Swarzak or Gsellman) for two innings every third day is legit goofy. It’s like Mickey Callaway sees all the positive press Kevin Cash is getting for his ‘opener’ strategy, and is like, “I’m going to start something new, it’s called, ‘The Closer!'” Assistant coach lightly tugs on Callaway’s sleeve, “Um, skip, um, there’s already something called a ‘Closer.'”
Brad Brach – Fun fact! The Orioles’ new closer’s nickname is also the last two days of the week when a girl starts the week by wearing seven bras and ends with only one, Bra-Bra. (As my bumper sticker says, it makes sense if you don’t think about it too long!)
Roberto Osuna – Should be returning to the Jays’ closer job in a few weeks. In his first game back, a pitcher on the opposing team should throw at a Jays player, so Osuna has to retaliate. “But if I retaliate I’m going to have my probation revoked. Being a piece of crap person is not as easy as it looks.” That’s Osuna weighing his options.
Jace Fry – Just went over him this morning. Use your scrolly finger and have at it!
Kris Bryant – Hate to do the flippity on the floppity of my feelings on a player. I thought Bryant was past his injury, but obviously he’s not. In my top 100 for the 2nd half (which got outdated faster than ABC’s love affair with the new Roseanne), I talk about how Kris Bryant might no longer be a top 50 player in the preseason next year. Now I’m not sure he’s a top 75 player. Oh, I do think he’ll be good value if he falls far enough, but– Enough about next year! Bryant’s headed for a lost season, and I don’t mean he’ll be picked up by The Others. If you can get anything with Bryant, using the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer or not, I would. Yes, in a redraft, I’d even trade him for a Mike Greenwell rookie card with bubble gum stuck to the back.