Reds Must’ve Misread Stroman Because Their Bats Were Frosty

You could set your watch by Marcus Stroman. In almost a 1,000 career innings, he has a 7.4 K/9, 2.5 BB/9, 3.60 xFIP, and a 13.3% HR/FB. This year? 7.5 K/9, 2.1 BB/9, 3.59 xFIP, and 13.5% HR/FB. In a world full of unknowns like: Why does Sirius only have a Yacht Rock channel in the summer? Why did I scream at a supermarket employee the other day, “I stan my deodorant, even if it’s against it!” only to realize later at home the bottle read anti-stain? Or why has no one come up with vitamints — vitamin/mints? These are unknowns. Marcus Stroman, that guy is a known, and his known is a solid number three fantasy starter. Yesterday, Marcus Stroman went 8 IP, 1 hit, 1 walk, 7 Ks in 90 pitches, ERA at 2.59. Perhaps most impressively is how that terrible pitching park, Great American Ballpark, didn’t even affect him, but that’s because of his 51% GB rate. Yes, that’s on par with past seasons too. What’s someone with no upside or downside? Marcus Stroman is Side. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jonathan Villar – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. Good for Villar, but Cincy is such a joke of a park for homers. It’s gotta be easier to homer there than Coors. Don’t care what the stats say, that park is goofy for homers.

Dominic Smith – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer. Once again, what I said for Villar. One love with Dom Smith, but GAB is a Goofy Ass Ballpark.

Luis Guillorme – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Who needs Lindor!

Nick Castellanos – Scan revealed a microfracture of his wrist. Welp, that’s Suckellanus. What the hell is a microfracture? Does it hurt, but only micro-ly? Did he hit it on a microwave because it was taking too long? Not that that ever happened to me. How did it take the Reds this long to find a fracture? Is it that micro-y? I have questions, y’all! First pregunta, will he miss a lot of time?

Chris Paddack – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 1 K, ERA at 5.17. This was his first scoreless start all year that was more than three innings. Even if he has a great start, he’ll be on waivers or my bench, so, yeah, not sure why I even have him rostered still. Paddack has the swagger of Nolan Ryan and stuff of a pitcher who needs to reinvent himself in the KBO.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer. FTJ! Fun the Jewels! Fun the Jewels fast! That’s the most homers by any player at age 22 or younger in his 1st 79 games of a season.

Kyle Muller – 4 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.20. Was watching other games so didn’t see him, but not sure how Muller threw 87 pitches (a decent amount), only walked three guys and only made it through four innings. Did the Padres foul off an exorbitant number of pitches? Not a joke (which is why it’s not funny), seriously wondering. Guess I’m asking for the Muller report. Sigh.

Austin Gomber – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.74, as he was activated from the IL. I streamed him yesterday, because I have nothing to lose — come get some, you little bum! Streamonator has his next start away from Coors — yay! But it’s vs. the Padres — lowercase yay. He’s returning from forearm tightness — uppercase MEH.

Kyle Seager – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer. If you would’ve bet someone that Kyle would be better than Corey Seager for every season of his career you would’ve made money more times than not. Though, only one taking that bet is Kyle and Corey’s mom.

Mitch Haniger – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer. Never realized the guy who had testicles clobbered has a last name that sounds like someone saying they need a, “‘Hand there, girl.'”

Luis Torrens – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer. Was in the Buy column for about five straight weeks, but I stopped recommending him because y’all were moving too slow. By the by, already wrote up my Buy/Sell, and it’s available on our Patreon.

Jorge Soler – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games, and 2nd day in a row I’m saying if you want a guy who could hit 20 homers in the 2nd half, and is available, here ya go.

Scott Barlow – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.76, and his 5th save. Seems to be the Royals’ best bet for saves, but with Holland and Staumont, the Barlow indeed.

Eric Lauer – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.52. Have Lauer in an NL-Only league, where he’s been terrific. Would I grab him in a mixed league? Alphabetically, I’d say, “Gee tee eff oh.”

Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at…Guess. He’s pitched well, right? The no-hitter that wasn’t a no-hitter. The other good pitching that you think he’s done. Right? Say right! Yes, I’m trying to bait you! His ERA is 5.09. That’s a woof from me, dawg.

Pavin Smith – 2-for-3, 2 runs, and his 9th homer, hitting .265. Has anyone seen this guy homer? He hits some absolute bombs, but only when the ball is down and in. Real one trick pony. Like Bud Fox, but instead of Blue Star, it’s for low and inside fastballs.

Daulton Varsho – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .175. He went back-to-back with Smith. Guess you could say Smith was Pavin the way. High five the heck out of me! C’mon, that was good! No? Okay.

Josh Rojas – 2-for-4, 1 run, 7th steal and dislocated his pinkie on 2nd base that looked gnarly, but hopefully he’s fine because I need him in deep leagues. Hexagonal prayers up!

Enrique Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 2nd and 3rd homer in the last two games at the insane park in Buffaloronto. Can’t the Jays play there for another two months? Are we worried at all about Cake Batter? Boba Chette? Marcus Manjuice?

Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. One other side note about the Jays’ stadiums which I’m choosing to talk about in Sawx player blurbs, the Jays’ pitchers could get a bit of a boost no longer pitching in a Buffalo’s Wild Winds Stadium.

J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 20th homer, hitting .307. Just Dong because the alternative is just don’t.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 32nd homer. If Cake Batter doesn’t hit 12 homers a month in August and September in Rogers Centre, we’re gonna have to listen to so many hot takes about how his power was due to Buffaloronto and Dunedin.

Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer. Imagine playing for the Jays and not having a decent relationship with your father and just seeing all of those juniors. Repressed emotions bubbling like La Croix.

George Springer – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. If I were a terrible person, I’d search the preseason comments for every person who said something like, “Are you worried Semien is going to bat 8th or 9th?” Every comment about Spring Training lineups is 100% wrong 100% of the time.

Jean Segura – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer. He hit that homer off Yankees’ starter Asher Woj[keyboard smash]. Any ideas how he got the start? Here’s how: “Hey, Booney, we have no starters.” Boone, “[keyboard smash]”

Gleyber Torres – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Finally, he seems to be coming out of his terrible funk from the first three months with three homers in the last four games. For a while it looked like Gleyber would homer less than the number of women Nick Cannon was going to impregnate in the same amount of time.

Rougned Odor – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. We’re like a week away from Odor passing Giancarlo for fantasy value. Damn, mi novio makes me so sad.

Chris Taylor – 2-for-4 and a slam (14) and legs (9), and three homers in the last two games. The qweef that is Cody Bellinger went hitless with a run and is hitting .156.

Mike Yastrzemski – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Carl’s Jr. Jr. went deep in the 1st inning, then the Giants went cold, until the ninth inning when Wilmer Flores — for crying out loud! — hit his 11th homer, a 2-run homer off Kenley Jansen (1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA up to 2.15), because the Giants are a 100-win team, and you can’t name the top three in the lineup on any given day.

Kyle Hendricks – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.61 vs. Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.56. This matchup was billed as, “I fell asleep thinking about it.”

Rafael Ortega – 2-for-3, 1 RBI and his 3rd steal, as he hits leadoff. He’s a platoon bat, and ‘bat’ is being generous, and Big Ol’ Dummy David Ross has the .300+ hitter, Nico Hoerner, hitting eighth.

Jose Altuve – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, and 3rd homer in two games. Altuve’s four-foot, eight-inches tall and carrying the world on his shoulders!

Kyle Tucker – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I already took the L on calling Tucker overrated in the preseason, but anyone who thought he was worth the draft slot, if they’re being honest, they’d tell you he’s a disappointment.

Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a home run. Any guesses how many homers he has? He’s just a slap-hitting MI, right? I’m baiting you again! He has 16 homers. Nuts, and I don’t mean the body part that Gary Sanchez uses to block pitches.

Akil Baddoo – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in the last three games. Baddoo has been on my RCL team for about a month. No, the team isn’t garbage. Be nice! There’s no getting near Son this year though. My boy is absolutely housing the competish.

Robbie Grossman – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Technically, Grossman is rostered in more than 50% of ESPN leagues, so there’s no hot schmotato here, but, on the other hand that makes a bit more sense, Grossman is available everywhere, isn’t he?

Matt Manning – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.79. Tigers’ young starters really give me serious yawnstipating vibes. Any hoo! It’s all about the (Benjamins) and what Streamonator thinks for his next start.

Nomar Mazara – Released from the Tigers. Mazara should’ve secured himself to the clubhouse door frame like a mezuzah. There’s no getting one of those suckers off.

Yermin Mercedes – Retired from baseball, apparently. He posted on Instagram, “It’s over,” and wiped his IG of all White Sox related pics. That’s a wild turn of events for Yermin, but my father always said, “Don’t get a Mercedes, you can’t handle the upkeep.” Tony La Russa really seemed to break Yermin’s spirit, and it was so, so vast. Hopefully, Yermin dons a wig, changes his name and gets a job at Tony’s animal shelter, where he kidnaps all his rescues for a hefty ransom. No, seriously, how long until Yermin Mercedes signs with another team with the uniform number 3-0?

Alex Kirilloff – Out for the season with a wrist injury that will require surgery. It was a ligament tear. That’s the last time he gets a janky jail tattoo on his ligament.

Michael Pineda – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.93, and out at 73 pitches. Guys and five girls, it’s still July and they’re already pulling pitchers at under 75 pitches. There’s going to be one starter in September, who’s been pitching more or less the whole year, and his name is Lance Lynn.

Max Kepler – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!

Jorge Polanco – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (14) and legs (9), and 2nd homer in as many games. Jo-Po ain’t just a place that sounds like where they sent your uncle for public diddling.

Ryan Mountcastle – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. As the ball left the bat, Mountcastle said in a deep cockney, “That case is a longshot, innit?”

Vidal Brujan – Sent back to Triple-A. That was one of the more bizarre call-ups in recent memory. He was promoted at the tail-end of a cold streak, didn’t get a chance to play every day then demoted. Oh…*climbs up Machu Picchu on a llama that has to stop every five feet*…kay.

Randy Arozarena – 3-for-5, and his 12th and 13th homer, and 2nd and 3rd homer in the past two games. Okay, who hypnotized The Rice Bowl to think it was the playoffs? On the reals, who gets hotter or colder than this guy? Okay, besides Justin Upton. In fairness to my Sell on The Rice Bowl, he has 13 homers and seven against the Orioles. Yo, Gleyber about to sue for trademark infringement.

Luis Patino – Will be called up today. He’s an ace in the making. A mace’ing. Hmm, that doesn’t work at all. He’s a 10 K/9, 2 BB/9, 2.75 ERA guy on the verge. Looking off the cliff into the Valley of Stardom. This year? Yeah, I doubt it. But I guess you never know. He’s averaging four innings per start this year in the minors, so it’s gonna be hard to accumulate any real value.

J.P. Feyereisen – Hit the IL with shoulder discomfort. Ya know what this means? J.B. Wendelken wins in the battle of early-20th century pharmacists. Can’t wait for the celebration where he’s spraying laudanum like champagne.