All hail The Boob Itch. Or Boo, bitch, if you don’t have him. Could this incredible season from Kris Bubic be because The Boob Itch is the only shift still allowed in the majors? Strap in before The Boob Itch goes strapless, and let me slide into his DMs and talk about that slider! He’s got a SWEEPER and GYRO and I’m hungry for more SHAVED MEAT! The Boob Itch’s low arm slot helps his silly 92 MPH play sexy! His new slider drops 10 inches less than his curve! This is important because it creates deception! 93 MPH paint plays and not just for speed painting at county fairs! These are snippets of things said about Kris Bubic in 2023. Pitcher growth is rarely linear. All of those things were right, but Bubic wasn’t ready. Dot dot dot. Yet. Yesterday, Kris Bubic went 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks with his ERA at 1.66, and he showed again he is now ready, as he continues to dominant every time out. His fastball and change returned 50% Whiff rates and he is the deception king, like the rest of the Royals–Oh, crap, are we not paying attention enough to the Royals’ pitching coach? The results are insane for guys who are throwing somewhat ho-hum stuff. The Boob Itch’s peripherals are saying the break out is finally real, and The Boob Itch isn’t for snickering anymore! As long as The Boob Itch stays healthy and never gets scratched. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Rich Hill – Signed with the Royals. If he’s called up, Royals would be his 14th team, tying Edwin Jackson’s MLB record. Rich Hill’s 13 previous teams are Dodgers, Red Sox, Cubs, Seattle Pilots, Highlanders, Waldenbooks, the Minnesota Lakers, the Laser-Disc-Won’t-Dies, the California Raisins, the Hogan Family with the Sandy Duncans (2 teams), the Dale Carnegie Influencers, and the Orioles.
Framber Valdez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.54. As good, if not better than the lede, but I’ve been meaning to cover The Boob Itch like Neosporin since the 1st week of April. He kept being outshined, but not tonight. Tonight, we let The Boob Itch talk.
Isaac Paredes – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. Doode is overdue — overdoode? — to get hotter than the sun, then maybe Yordan can return and join him in Sunnyville, which is not what Elizabeth Holmes called her boyfriend’s apartment. (Deep cut!)
Jeremy Pena – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .294. It’s so nice how well he’s taken to the leadoff spot. Too bad it seems to have had the opposite affect on Altuve.
Ben Lively – Hit the IL with flexor tendon strain. More like had Been Lively.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .295. I just decided he’s a HOFer. That’s it. His 7th homer in 2025 convinced me.
Logan Allen – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.70. Streamonator hates his next one, but Streamonator also hates Allen in general, because, well, he’s not that good.
Yandy Diaz – Placed on the restricted list with a passport issue. Bro, if this is because of the Real ID, I swear to God, man. That shizz is so annoying! I need to go to the DMV why exactly? To get a Real ID? How about you GET REAL!? I just went in January to renew my license and I asked them point-blank, do I need to get a Real ID? And they told me, “Nah, you good, homey.” I am not good! I have to go back! Sorry, I am very mad at this stupid thing. No one inconveniences Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it)!
Shane Baz – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.02. Raspberries lips–Actually, Bazberries lips. Can’t continue to start that. You gave him to mid-May. Unless you’re in a deep league, stop losing matchups, due to Baz.
Jonathan Aranda – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .339. “She’s my cherry pie!” That’s me singing Warrant to Aranda’s Statcast page.
Junior Caminero – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .247. He’s on pace for 30 homers. That’s what he’s going to do. 30 homers isn’t bad. I’m talking to the person who asked about dropping him.
Danny Jansen – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. I figured he’d either be hurt or great, not healthy and dull. Boy was I wrong!
Jeff Hoffman – 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.05. Oh, he’s absolutely been hurt for a good two weeks now. No doubt about it. I grabbed Yimi, it might be Chad Green.
Bo Bichette – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .286. If Bo Bichette hits more homers than Gunnar, I will find an Uber to drive me off a cliff. It’s the final frontier and all, but I’m not going alone.
Jose Berrios – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.33. What a way to start a two-start week. Between Bichette and Berrios, the Jays really hate me. Singing, “Hate me now! Please stop now!” Wait, that’s a Diddy song, I shouldn’t be singing–[The Cancel Police break down door] No! I realized I shouldn’t sing it! Please!
Daulton Varsho – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer, hitting .222. That’s in 10 games. El oh el. And ess see aitch–motato.
Ernie Clement – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting around .450 in the last week. He gets hot for two weeks a year. This is one of those weeks.
Kodai Senga – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.22. Gonna suck next year when I’m back in on him and he gives a 5+ ERA and is out for four months with a rotator cuff injury. Oh well, at least I’m ready for it!
Brett Baty – 2-for-3 and his 5th homer, and 3rd homer in three games, four homers in four games and looks to be fixed from whatever was wrong with him in the first five weeks. Can I guarantee that? No, the Pope’s a White Sox fan, not Mets. But there’s little reason to not grab Baty, just in case.
Zach Neto – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Man, he’s been a godsend since returning from injury. Neato, Neto.
Matthew Lugo – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Don’t usually talk about pinch-hit homers, but his 1st homer was a pinch-hit homer and now there’s two. Why was he called up to never play? Haven’t a clue. A scout told me once the Angels can’t coach-up players, and I’m reminded of this now because Lugo had a 29% strikeout rate in the minors and 40% in the majors. So, he seems to have power and he stole 16 bags last year in the minors, but he has zero contact.
Jose Soriano – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.46. He’s sitting on a 7.3 K/9 and a 4 BB/9, but it’s working because it’s coming with 62.1% GB. Bit of a Snoriano, but can’t get burned easily with that many ground balls.
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, 2nd homer in two games, and last night’s a walk-off, the first of his career. Fun the Jewels! Fun the Jewels fast!
Kenley Jansen – 0 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 6.56. We might be in the middle of a closerpocalypse and not even realize it.
Josh Jung – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer, as he now hits third. I feel like Stan Gable in Revenge of the Nerds when he sees his girlfriend on the pie tin. “That three hole is supposed to be Josh H. Smith’s pie!”
Chris Martin – Finally, got a save opportunity. Happy trombone! And left with elbow tightness. Sad trombone! Guess it’s back to Jacob Webb, or even Robert Garcia.
Jack Leiter – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 4.34. Streamonator loved this because there was nothing not to love. It was the easiest matchup in baseball. Yes, easier than White Sux.
Pete Crow-Armstrong – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Ian Happ’s being Wally Pipp’d out of the leadoff spot.
Ben Brown – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.75. His peripherals are far outweighing his ERA. 10.8 K/9, 3.5 BB/9, 12 K/9’s in the minors year after year, and right now is being extremely unlucky in every way. His numbers are eye-opening and I also don’t know if he stays in the rotation when Shota returns. That’s the caveat.
Kyle Stowers – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .287. For what it’s Cronenworth, I like Stowers, I think he’s rosterable, he’s still kind of a .220 hitter. Getting by a bit on his good looks and insane BABIP. Mostly insane BABIP.
Connor Norby – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Now you won’t hear me say anything negative about my preseason sleeper, Norby.
Drake Baldwin – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in eight days, and, as I began to write this week’s Buy/Sell for Patreon, I noticed Baldwin on the 7-day Player Rater has been solid.
Spencer Schwellenbach – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.31. Elias Sports Bureau said, “No one has ever said Spencer Schwellenbach without sounding like Sean Connery.”
Pierce Johnson – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 1st save, and his 2.30, and his 1st save. As much as I’d like to coronate him like a piercing mall kiosk coronates a Prince Albert, Raisel had worked the previous few days.
CJ Abrams – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. Likely a bit of a Buy Low, since he hasn’t been bad, he just hasn’t been enough, missing time with an injury.
Matt McLain – 1-for-4 as he was dropped to the eight hole, hitting .168. I’ll be sure to bring it up with BDon during our next pod.
Elly De La Cruz – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .250. Hasn’t even had a hot streak yet this year and he’s a top 15-ish player on the Player Rater. Praise E’sus.
Emilio Pagan – 1 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.05. Reds made the mistake of letting him pitch two innings, and past midnight and now he’s a pumpkin. Everyone in the Reds’ pen looks better than Pagan, but his usage also did him no favors. I’d guess Tony Santillan would see first crack if Pagan is removed, but I doubt he’s removed. He made a deal with the devil. It’s right there in his name.
Miguel Vargas – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He put the stake through Pagan’s heart and now Pagan is a zombie. Good work, Vargas.
Willy Adames – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. “Hey, what’s the largest blender they sell? We could get rid of him that way–Hold on! He’s alive! Adames moved!”
Christian Koss – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Chris Koss makes you jump, jump.
Jung Hoo Lee – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .288. He’s cooled off a lot in May. Makes sense. That’s how weather works in San Fran.
Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.04 vs. Brandon Pfaadt – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.73. This matchup was billed as, “Pfaadt/Ray, who I think was in The Sugar Hill Gang.”
Corbin Carroll – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 14th homer, hitting .285. So fun rostering Corbin, but because I can’t ever be happy I’m also very annoyed I don’t have him in every league.
Jacob Wilson – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer, hitting .363. I said he could be a cheap Arraez, and crickets. Even crickets weren’t hearing it.
Jeffrey Springs – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.27. You ever see you started a guy and can’t believe you did it and it worked out? That was me with Springs last night. I really might have a problem with two-start starters. I’m addicted! Streamonator at least kinda likes his next one. A little.
Nick Kurtz – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st career homer, hitting .281. Perfect, just as you finally dropped him.
JJ Bleday – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in two games. His 9th inning homer was a ho-hum dinger, but I still believe, still believe–Wait, that’s Stephen Vogt. Well, I still believe in Bleday too.
Roki Sasaki – Hit the IL, dealing with arm soreness. At first, Dodgers were unsure about an IL stint. Ha, sure. Dodgers making up arm injuries, “Yeah, his arm hurts, but maybe it’s something, maybe it’s not, depends if Ben Casparius can throw five innings.” “Ben–who? Wait, what does that have to do with Roki’s injury?” Oh, nothing.
Landon Knack – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.89. “Not pitching.” What having a Knack for, I don’t know yet.
Bryan Woo – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.84. Crazy how good pitching shuts down good hitting every time. Woo, sir, Woo.
Max Fried – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.11. Hello, Regression Fairies, over here, sweeties! You afraid of your waistline so you don’t want to go near Fried?
DJ LeMahieu – 0-for-1 as he was activated from the IL. Smile like Aaron Boone is smiling today, being able to play a vet who hasn’t been good for five years.
Oswaldo Cabrera – Diagnosed with a fractured ankle. It hurts just typing that. Woof. Long live Jorbit! Sorry, that’s not expressing excitement for Jorbit, that’s Jorbit Vivas’s name.
Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 11th homer. Show me what you’re Torking with!
Kristian Campbell – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Don’t let the Soup get hot!
Alex Bregman – 1-for-6 and his 10th homer. I love Bregman this year. That is something I never thought I’d say. I also kinda like Buxton. Which is also weird.
Javier Baez – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer, hitting .319. If you would’ve told me you were a time traveler from the future, and one player from the 2016 Cubs roster was now good, I’d say, “Sure, Schwarber,” and you’d say, “No, someone else,” and I’d say, “Okay, Contreras–” and you’d say, “Stop picking the wrong guys who are obvious! I’m asking between Baez, Rizzo or Bryant, now pick one.” Then I would’ve said, “None, it’s Schwarber.” And you would’ve said, “I came from the future and I have to deal with this nonsense? Are you dumb?”
