Kershaw Downs Coors, Nears End Of The 3000 K Rainbow

Weird thing happened yesterday, everyone threw a great start, but I had written a lede for all of them this year previously. Hate to double up, even though Shane Baz, Hunter Brown, Cristopher Sanchez, and Kevin Gausman were all worthy. So, instead, let’s marvel at Clayton Kershaw (6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.03). In his last four starts, 23 IP, 21 Ks, 1.57 ERA, 0.87 WHIP and sits at 2,997 strikeouts. His next start will undoubtedly feature his 3,000th strikeout. Not in one game, that would be a record, though I’m sure some 1800’s pitcher named Rube “Dirtface” Sullivan came close. Kershaw managed to be not only one of the greatest lefties of all-time, but he always managed to never be drafted by me. Not because I didn’t appreciate him. I did, but from afar. Unlike some of the other 1st ballot HOFers currently pitching (though he is younger than Scherzer and Verlander), Kershaw hasn’t had any terrible full seasons. Prior to yesterday, his career ERA was 2.51 in 2775 1/3 innings. Like a chef making pancakes without pants, that’s flippin’ nuts. As for the 3,000 strikeouts, Chris Sale should get there, and then…[raspberries lips] We might not see another for a long time, if ever again. Gerrit Cole is 34 and 750 short. Will he throw that much longer to get there? Seems doubtful. Just as no one is ever getting 300 wins again, 3,000 strikeouts will be a thing of the past. Soon we’ll be talking about how so-and-so threw three innings in a start and needs to be shut down for a week from exhaustion. Though, so-and-so was throwing 109 MPH. Bleh! Get off my lawn! Or, I guess, cherish the moments, if that’s your thing. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-3 and his 28th homer, hitting .291. Keep hittin’ them dingers, kid, and have butt implants and maybe you’ll reach Cal Raleigh’s level one day.

Brenton Doyle – 1-for-3, and his 6th homer. Felt like all hitters took yesterday off. Well, not Doyle, he took the previous three months off. He’s hitting .195! Oh my God, that’s awful.

Lance McCullers Jr. – Could return on Saturday. Astros currently have listed for their Saturday starter TBA, which is McCullers’s middle name. Well, it’s an abbreviation of TomBrAdykissinghissononthelips. By the way (this segue is insane; no one thought I could pull it off), our fantasy football content has started up again, and RazzBowl signups will begin on Monday.

Hunter Brown – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.74. Think a lot of people are smoking that Skunkbal and plenty of people getting high on that Skenesizzurp, but if it’s Brown, are they pushing down the hype because he’s basically a Dazzle Factory that is running 24/7/365 making Dazzles? Yes to the Dazzles conspiracy.

Cristopher Sanchez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.79. Phils are so ridiculously stacked in the starter department that a healthy Nola should be in the pen. Though, in fairness, Nola sucks, so should be in the pen for any team. Any hoo! Just gave you my Cristopher Sanchez fantasy last week, because he just keeps throwing gems. Cristopher robbin’ hitters of fun, making them Pooh!

Orion Kerkering – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.56. Oh, hell yeah! Getting a head start on handing the closer job onto the next guy!

Shane Baz – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.37. Except for Rasmussen, the Rays starters are mercurial! Volatile! Thesaurus dot com, give me another! Unpredictable! Yes, they are, thank you. They also might all be shut down at any moment. Baz’s career numbers at 202 1/3 IP were 3.96 ERA, 8.6 K/9, 3.3 BB/9 and a 4.06 xFIP. Career numbers don’t mean a lot for a young starter, getting better, but those numbers are basically in line with his stats this year. Supposedly, he was tipping his pitches in May when he had a 7.26 ERA into June with a 4.43 ERA, prior to this start. What I never understand about people talking about how he’s “fixed,” when discussing tipping pitches, is they never mention how it can become broke again at a moment’s notice. But, apparently, it is fixed. For now, I guess.

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .267. He’s in a battle with the top of the 2nd basemen on the Player Rater, and, in related news, we need to shut down all 2nd basemen until we figure out what’s wrong with them.

Junior Caminero – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer, hitting .260. Thinking I might start calling him The Matchbox, because he sounds like a toy car.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – Was plunked on the arm, and left the game, but x-rays were negative. Lawsuits about using “plunked” without Eric Plunk’s consent are ongoing. (Between me and him, leave me alone, Plunk!)

Kevin Gausman – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.21. Ya know, 4.21 should really be the day stoners celebrate. See, because it’s 4.20, but they’re stoned so they celebrate on 4.21. Any hoo! Gausman did a dazzler, so let’s look at his stats: Meh. He’s become incredibly yawnstipating. His stats look like a number five that you occasionally get a huge game from and often just barely scrap by with a 5 IP, 3 ER bleh-fest. The odd thing in his numbers is how his splitter doesn’t seem to work anymore. Odd is subjective, of course.

Jose Ramirez – Was plunked on the forearm and–Shut up, Eric Plunk!–but x-rays were fine on him too. You can take a deep sigh of relief, but not if you’re in an elevator with a stranger. It’s weird to be sighing loudly in an elevator with someone else.

Tanner Bibee – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.80. Did anyone have a bad start on Thursday? Talk amongst yourselves. So, Bibee was a preseason sleeper, and he’s too young to write off, but his numbers look very Streamonator-esque.

Emerson Hancock – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.30 vs. Simeon Woods Richardson – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.63. This matchup was billed as, “SWR sounds like an R&B group and their hit song, Hoping For A Good Time Starting Hancock.”

Royce Lewis – Starting a rehab assignment. He’s been out since June 13. Not sure of which year.

Trevor Larnach – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in four games. Wanna hear some nutty stats? Of course you do! You love this shizz! In May, he hit 4 HRs and .269. This month? He has four homers, and, prior to yesterday’s game, he was hitting .269. Guess how many homers he had in April? Bingo-bango if you guessed four homers.

Brooks Lee – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting around .370 in June with four homers. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy, but has been in the last few, because of: Schmotatoness.

Matt Wallner – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Was watching this and thinking about how I can’t believe he’s hitting under-.200 right as he homered (he’s just above it now). Interesting anecdote, Grey!

Mark Vientos – Told reporters he’d be activated before Friday’s game, adding a’la Captain Phillips, “I’m the Captain now.”

Griffin Canning – 2 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.77, but left the game with what appears to be an Achilles injury. Achilles didn’t even return the same year from that and his name was Achilles, but we’ll see.

Grant Holmes – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.70. Holmes’s xFIP is 3.69. So he should be better! Hoohoo-haha-hoohoo! That’s me laughing like a nerdy owl. Holmes has a 10.3 K/9, 4.2 BB/9 and roughly 11 years of minors experience. The command scares a bit, but looks like he could be coming into his *pinkie to mouth* Holmes.

Hayden Birdsong – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.13. Could’ve done without that thrashing! It was the Marlins at home, you giant freakin’ idiot! I’m Birdsong, listen to me tweet tweet tweet and crap on your freshly-cleaned car, you bastard! Welp, it’s not a huge sample size (56 2/3 IP), but his peripherals say he’s barely a streamer in 12 teamers, and should be left for deeper leagues.

Rafael Devers – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .270. This might only apply to me, but I am so happy box scores did away with starting players anew with stats when they changed leagues. I only complained about it for ten years, but glory be, small miracles.

Kyle Stowers – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in four games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because I think he’s rostered in too many leagues to qualify, but, if he was dropped when he went cold, he’s hot again.

Agustin Ramirez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. That’s in 55 games. Gonna be a top three catcher next year, and I bet he’s not drafted as one. Well, maybe, but I doubt it.

Shota Imanaga – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.54 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “You know that expression ‘I walked so you could run?’ Why didn’t someone run so the other person could walk?”

Michael Busch – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer, hitting .273. Busch has actually been pretty [an uncomfortable pause, the audience waits for him to finish the sentence, please let him finish the sentence]…good. He’s been pretty good. Sorry about that weird pause. About the same as Freddie Freeman in value, or around 10th on the Player Rater for 1st basemen.

Andre Pallante – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.43. Yesterday wasn’t Dre day. But not quite bootylicious.

Jeffrey Springs – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.30. Streamonator is iffy on his next one, and I agree.

Gleyber Torres – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .281. Having a pretty bleh season, right? OR IS HE?! Wow, Mr. Reversal, you scared the crap out of me. SORRY. OR AM I?! Gleyber is on pace for a 16/8/.280 season. That’s bleh, right? He’s nearly a top five 2nd baseman on the Player Rater. 2nd basemen are so bad.

Spencer Torkelson – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th homer, hitting .224. Told you to sell him on May 16th, since then: 4 HRs and was hitting .164 in June.

Dietrich Enns – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, as he was called up to the taxi squad. Not because he was driving one last year; he was in the KBO. He last threw in the majors in 2021, and, before that, he threw in 2017. See ya in 2029, Dietrich! And that’s today’s Enns and outs! Animal-style! Make sure to tip your waitress!