I’m in New York celebrating my grandfather’s 88th birthday, or as he calls it “achy-ache,” and we started talking about Caitlyn Jenner, and he said, “She’s a hot number, I’d throw her one.” Throw her one, I believe, means have sex with her. I thought this was pretty forward thinking for my grandfather, then he continued, “Do you know how they put lost children on the side of a carton of milk? I heard if Caitlyn got lost, they’d put her on a carton of Half & Half.” Ah, there he is. Reminds me a bit of Marge Schott, which brings us to Raisel Iglesias, who threw a gem yesterday — 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks. “Raise the Church” has looked far superior since he returned from his stint in the minors with an ERA that’s bordering on startable everywhere (3.93), and peripherals that look ownable everywhere (9.5 K/9, 2.6 BB/9, 3.42 xFIP). At this point in the year, I would go one start at a time for him, but I would definitely own him, and start him for his next one. Now, if you excuse me, I have to get back before my grandfather tries to “throw one” at Cougs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Psych! Before I get into today’s roundup, I just wanted to ask if anyone has any interest in writing for our hockey side of Razz. You can apply by telling me anything that relates to ’94 Sega Hockey because I don’t know anything else about hockey. If interested, email us at [email protected]. Eastern Europeans will have first priority. Anyway II, here’s the roundup:
Chase Anderson – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA down to 4.28. Speaking of sorta racist and being in New York, I was walking around the city on Friday and thinking, “Every black guy in New York looks like Anthony Anderson.” Ah, I am my grandfather’s grandson. As for Chase Anderson, bleh, he’s a streamer.
David Peralta – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. As someone that owns Peralta in a deep league, he could’ve been in a 1980’s Chevrolet commercial and still had no heartbeat for the last week.
Ender Inciarte – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 13th steal, and homered on Saturday. Ender could be a rising schmotato, or doing something for two days and disappearing could be Ender’s game.
Welington Castillo – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer. Where’s the boeuf?!
Sean Doolittle – 2/3 IP, 2 ER as he was activated from the DL on Saturday. I was told by one other site that it may not be long until Doolittle takes over from Mujica. I’m assuming they mean that Mujica is the closer and Doolittle would take over that role, not Mujica’s actual role which is “give up runs and be overall shizz.” But, if they did mean the latter, Doolittle did look like Mujica yesterday. I’d continue to hold Pomeranz until Doolittle gets a save.
Mark Canha – 2-for-4, 1 run, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer on Saturday, hitting near-.475 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Luis Severino – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.74. I’m loving the 95+ MPH fastball, and what he really has going for him is everyone who ranks prospects had Severino in the top names, except Keith Law who didn’t even list him as a top 100 prospect. That sounds terrific. <–no sarcasm!
CC Sabathia – Expected to hit the DL due to his knee. CC is like the car that has an 80,000-mile warranty that has just reached its 100,000th mile.
Trevor Bauer – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. If you have any idea what he’s going to do in his next start, you have a better Magic Eight Ball than me.
Francisco Lindor – 3-for-5 and his 7th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. He’s also hitting .298. And no one, and I mean no one, seems to care. Y’all realize he was a top prospect at one point too, right? Like just a few months ago.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. At this point, I’d take 20 homers and a .220 average and be happy (to never draft him again).
Jung-ho Kang – 1-for-3, 1 RBI and two homers (11, 12) on Saturday. The Mighty Kang is hitting near-.350 in the last week with three homers. Way too early prediction! Kang will be a top three shortstop next year. Way too early prediction, Part 2! The third best shortstop will be about as good as the 17th best 1st baseman.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Right now, I’m juggling Alvarez in and out of my lineup and, honestly, if I come up against a day when he’s not playing, he could be dropped. I’m heartless, y’all!
Mike Leake – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks as has returned from the DL. Leake’s on fleek, picking up right where he left off when he went to the DL. I’d start just about anyone in AT&T Park and Leake’s no different. On the road, Leake’s a matchups guy that I’d look at the Stream-o-Nator.
Stephen Piscotty – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. Can the Cardinals please move him up in the order? Piscotty doesn’t know! Isn’t that a rhetorical question? Piscotty doesn’t know!
Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.80. It’s gonna be fun next year when Wacha is coming off a year when he pitched 70 more innings than his previous year. “They never listen!” I hear ya, Wainwright.
Nick Swisher – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and two homers (4, 5) on Saturday. Hot schmotato alert! I mean, really hot, have you seen his sideburns?
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-5 and his 11th homer in, like, 20 games. I almost typed his name Kyle Schmotato. Right after, I slapped my own hand. How dare I!
Kris Bryant – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and two homers (18, 19). Imagine if you put Coors Field in the humidity of Chicago during August…Well, then it wouldn’t be in Colorado and a mile high anymore, but it could lead to as many homers, and I’m totally lost in this analogy.
Miguel Montero – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, and 2nd in as many games. Everything’s flying out of Wrigley right now. Miguel Hornswallower, the sword eater in Mexico’s Cirque du Soleil Olé, would have 10 homers in Wrigley, assuming he didn’t swallow his bats.
Jason Hammel – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.35. “Whew.” That’s what I said when I saw his final line, considering how balls are flying out of Wrigley. I also said, “How long have I been in the bathroom checking my fantasy teams? I better flush the toilet before I raise suspicions.”
Lucas Duda – Hit the DL with a back injury. Well, we’ll always have that nine-day stretch when he was hitting two home runs a game and everyone was like, “I told you to hold onto Duda, I knew he was going to come around yadda, yadda.” *Raspberries lips*
Logan Verrett – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks in Coors as he filled in for the skipped Matt Harvey. Damn, the Mets have more pitching prospects than Michael J. Fox can shake a stick at.
Lance McCullers – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks as he was recalled from the minors. McCullers-Cullers, McCullers-Cullers! I don’t have any evidence to back this up, but I wouldn’t be surprised if pitchers who are sent down to preserve their innings, come back and are good/fresh in their first start back, then show signs of fatigue in their next start. FAH-TEE-gay, that must be Italian!
Jose Bautista – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 29th homer, and Edwin Encarnacion (4-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs) hit his 24th homer. The Cortisone Brothers! They sound like they’d be played by a young Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd. Truth Alert! Aykroyd scares the crap out of me. Like serious heart-racing, sweaty palms scared. That someone can become that unfunny as they get older. I don’t look in the mirror, looking for white hair, I look for unfunny Aykroyd hairs.
Kevin Pillar – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and two hits on Saturday. I’d cyclops him for a rising hot schmotato, but still too early to say for sure.
Garrett Richards – 5 IP, 7 ER. Difference between Garrett and Michael Richards, this Richards causes you to drop the n-word. As in, “Noooooooooo!”
George Springer – Will take live batting practice this week. He had been taking swings in the cage on the machine, but he ran out of quarters.
Mike Moustakas – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer. Moistasskiss! The Royals are like the exact opposite of the Cubs. Everyone it seems on the Cubs has at least 13 homers. On the Royals, it’s a utter shock when you find someone with more than 13 homers.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K. I’ll look at him again for next year, but for this year, I’m real scared of Red Sox pitchers. That could also be scarred or scurred, if Ludacris is reading.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. JBJ was this past Friday’s lede Buy. With great power comes great responsibi– Ugh, who could spell that word? It’s so long; I need a nap!
Aaron Nola – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. That comes after a string of less-than-impressive starts. That’s the best bounce back I’ve seen from a Nola since the first girl showed her flapjacks for beads after Katrina.
Mike Napoli – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer. This was his 2nd homer in his last three starts, but he doesn’t start every day. (Note: It was completely subconscious that I placed Napoli after a mention of flapjacks. God bless you, Momma Napoli.)
Joe Ross – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Solid start from the younger Ross brother, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s shut down after the next start to make room for Fister. That’s what she said! Huh?
Trea Turner – Yunel is sitting out with a hyperextended neck. “He looks fine to me,” said the giraffe dressed as a doctor. So, with Yunel out, the Nats sexy, sexy, prospect cause you heard it from hearsay, Turner was called up and didn’t play. The Nats are battling for the playoffs and the minor league season is essentially done, so Turner getting called up and not playing, wouldn’t be completely bizzonkers. In deep leagues, take a flyer on Turner, but he’s really more of a dynasty, keeper, NL-Only guy at this point.
Anthony Rendon – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer and a slam and legs (1) on Saturday. Pretty depressing to think that he has three homers and one steal. Seriously, I held this schmohawk all season for this un gotz? I would’ve been better off drafting Bumgarner in the 4th round for his bat! With that said (watch out, Grey’s turning this boat around!), I’d hold Rendon since it looks like he’s getting hot. Is he much better than, say, Lindor at this point? No, he’s actually worse.
Wilson Ramos – 2-for-3 and his 10th homer, and was hitting near .200 in the last week, i.e., Wilson vamos already.
Jonathan Lucroy – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Let me try this, “Drop everyone that is on all of my teams.” Are they all now hitting? Too general?
Khris Davis – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. If I had a virgin for every time I told you to pick up Davis, I’d be a jihadist.
Scooter Gennett – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 6th homer. My MI carousel has a bunch of horseys and benches, but I’m not opposed to a Scooter.
Kevin Gausman – 7 IP 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks. Yeah, but it was against the Twins and you had to start him. His next start won’t be as easy. The Stream-o-Nator hates it, and @Texas seems like it can go lots of different ways. Like a shutout or the Rangers score 20 runs and Nolan Ryan waits for the opposing pitcher in the locker room with a noogie.
Glen Perkins – 1 IP, 0 ER and the win. I waded through the Mujica, struggled with the Kahnle, fought myself to drop the Soria, and I finally have a good replacement in the Jepsen, and now his closer returns immediately. No, I don’t accept that.
Miguel Sano – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Okay, so we’ve polled the Razzpopulace and we’ve said that Sano will be above Schwarber and Cano, but not above Adam Jones. So, Sano or Correa? (I know, it’s an easy one.)
Adam LaRoche – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .213. How long until the Rangers get LaRoche? He feels exactly like the kind of player they don’t need that they continue to stockpile.
Fernando Rodney – Mariners cut him this weekend. Three things potentially happened here. A. Someone explained the rules of baseball to Lloyd McClendon. “So, you’re not supposed to give up runs? Fernando told me ninth inning runs for the other team were the best thing you could do.” B. Someone wrote up an easy-to-read chart that put “man muscles” into their correct ranking significance. Just before the significance of dungarees and just after the significance of West Highland White Terriers on the Elton John album, Rock of the Westies. C. There’s no C.
Tom Wilhelmsen– 1 IP, 0 ER and his 3rd save as Carson Smith came in the 7th inning and stayed on for the 8th inning. I take back A and B above. C stands.
