When you were a kid, did you ever receive a formal invitation and it was addressed like this, “Master Albright?”  Okay, now think about Harrison Bader getting a formal invite.  I’m dead.  That legit made me laugh for twenty minutes.  I stopped midway to breath from an oxygen tank, but a full twenty minutes, nevertheless.  Imagine this:  Mom, “Harrison, come here and open your auntie’s wedding invite?”  “Why does it say, Master Bader?”  Dad, “You’ll know in a few years, son.”  Not to mention, Master makes every little boy sound like the kid in The Toy.  S’lame!  I don’t even want to Google the origins for calling a boy, Master, because it’s prolly hella racist.  Any hoo!  Harrison Bader is playing every day, but the Cards do have 19 outfielders to juggle, so he’s not 100% guaranteed.  He is hitting for power and average, and at the top of the lineup.  With the Cards trying to make the playoffs, they’re putting their best lineup on the field and Bader has been a part of that.  Even if Master Bader sounds like he wouldn’t play well with others.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the Buy, I just wanted to mention our Fantasy Football tools.  Freudian, because this is my Buy and this would be your buy?  P to the erhaps.  But no purchase necessary, there’s a 7-day free trial, so you can give them a whirlybird for the first week if you like.  Anyway II, the Buy/Sell:


Robinson Chirinos – The last catcher to be a Buy was Welington Castillo and he hit 73 homers last week and Bonds was like, “I’m gonna shrug after I shave my head,” so you can not pick up Chirinos, but I’d advise against it.  Or is that I advise it?  Uh-oh, Chirinos!

Jose Martinez – Fun fact!  Jose Martinez is Mexico’s name for John Doe’s.  Less fun but more relevant, Martinez has been hot.

Matt Olson – Some of you might be like, “Wow, surprised Olson wasn’t this week’s Buy,” yeah, well, Master Olson isn’t funny!

C.J. Cron – You know what they should do in the week before the regular season starts?  Have every team play a game of pickup.  No, I don’t care if they can play basketball.  I just want to see what order the manager chooses players.  If my hypothesis is right, Cron would be sent on his bicycle to get everyone Gatorade while the Angels played.

Lucas Duda – Recently, this Duda has been raging, which sounds like me after eating spicy food.

Ian Happ – This always fascinates me, and likely just me.  Some prospects are crazy touted, and they come up with hype, then, by the third month in the league, no one cares about them anymore.  I get that Happ is platooning, but have you seen his numbers in part-time at-bats?  There’s no league where it doesn’t make sense to hold Happ on your bench and play him when Maddon does.

Jose Peraza – Mentioned this the other day, but with Hamilton out, Peraza stands to get some playing time in the final few weeks, so could be a source of SAGNOF! and other general goodness (or badness, but we won’t mention that outside the parenthetical).

Jose Reyes – Part of me feels like if you add Mets to your roster, your team will collapse.  This is likely irrational.  Similar to thinking your entire pitching staff can go from 4th best to 3rd worst in 18 months.

Eduardo Escobar – Has been a hot schmotato.  Speaking of Escobar, I still haven’t started season 3 of Narcos.  Have people watched it?  I’ve heard it’s solid in its reboot.  Reboots always worry me; maybe that’s why I used to stay in relationships about two years past when I should’ve left.  *jots down note in topics to discuss with shrink notebook*

Kevin Kiermaier – This guy is more of an accessory to success.  Like my beeper on my belt.

Delino DeShields – As I type this, I’m already over him.  Maybe that’s what expectations will do, cause major disappointment.  Way to sell the Buys (literally)!

Mitch Haniger – Lots of people who thought they knew better than others (myself included) loved Haniger as a sleeper this year.  My random prediction:  next year, no one will be interested in him at all and he’ll break out.  Same could be said for Peraza.

Brandon Nimmo – Here’s what I said this morning, “You in March, “I like how Miggy’s schedule looks in September for H2H, so I’m drafting him in the 1st round.”  You now, “Nimmo is the best hitter on my team.”  Nothing necessarily makes Nimmo a great player, but that doesn’t matter this time of year.  In April, Thames hit 11 HRs.  For H2H, that doesn’t matter anymore.  Nimmo matters.”  And that’s me quoting you in March, me quoting you now and me quoting me!

Cameron Maybin – His value has taken a hit going to the Astros, but he has been hotter than a lot of other Astros bats, so maybe they use him in more advantageous ways.  By the by, advantageous sounds like a word Professor X from X-Clan would’ve loved to use.

Rafael Montero – Pickin’s be slim on the Stream-o-Nator, like its weekend plans.

Hyun-Jin Ryu – Streamers this weekend are like bringing a knife to a gun fight.  Good for y’all if you can find solid ones.  Ryu doesn’t go until Monday and Stream-o-Nator likes him.  Saturday and Sunday streamers were like, “Yo, it’s the end of some H2H playoff weeks so everyone’s owned.  Hey, cool, a tumbleweed!  Is that tumbleweed starting in Petco?”

Blake Parker – Not sure if he’s really the Angels closer or a Parker *pinkie to mouth* poseur.

Brandon Maurer – If you pick him up to vulture Royals saves, it will turn out great for you!  Though I might be using the archaic definition of great, which means ‘not great.’

Matt Belisle –  Me in March, “Matt Belisle is a…guy I went to high school with that murdered someone for heroin and a watch?  The guy in the alley by my house that always says, “To you and yours” and salutes?  Wait, he’s a Twins reliever, isn’t he?”  Me now, “I kinda prefer my neighbor who salutes after everything.”

Santiago Casilla – From the Wikipedia page for Save Vultures, “When Them Crooked Vultures scrounge for saves, they spit up acid on the closer to make the setup man more appealing, who they then devour.  Their eventual digestion of the setup man usually translates into saves within three days, or they acid-vomit on another closer.”


Ian Desmond – I hate3 dropping Rockies hitters, but you can’t say “Shine on you crazy Desmond” without sounding sarcastic.  Talk about bucking an obvious narrative.  He went to the Rockies and had the worst season of his career.  He hasn’t homered since June!  And has one steal in that time!  Yo, Daniel Descalso looks at that and shudders.  You, frickin’ bastard, you made Daniel Descalso shudder!  Daniel Descalso shudders for no man!  I have to assume Desmond’s wrist injury is playing a large part in his down year, but, um, cool, I’ll send him a Get Well card which I will alter to read, “Get Him Off My Team!”