Yesterday, Rubby de la Rosa threw 9 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (0 BBs) and 5 Ks, a semiprecious stone of a game. (Maybe I didn’t need to use a thesaurus for the word gem.) Rubby reminded me of Celine Dion and her baby. If I could hold Rubby to my ear, what would his future sound like? *paints Rubby on a seashell for makeshift future-telling device, puts seashell up to ear* I hear Johnny Gill saying, he will Rubby me the right way! That’s amazing! But how can we be sure Johnny Gill isn’t just saying that because no one has asked for his opinion on anything in 25 years? Wait, maybe we haven’t heard from him because he’s been living in a seashell all of these years. Rubby’s K-rate is 8, his walk rate is 2 and, yes, they’re even numbers, unless we’re going to the 2nd decimal, and 2nd decimals are for nerds! Speaking of which, his xFIP is 3.43 and he’s been a tad unlucky to have a 4.08 ERA. I don’t see Rubby as a potential ace breakout candidate, but I own him in multiple leagues, and like him since he throws hard, has solid control, should get cushy matchups and could have a fantasy number three to four year. Now how do we get Johnny Gill out of this seashell?! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Yasmany Tomas – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs, hitting .329 and out of the cleanup spot yesterday. Member those novelty baseball cards with two players that were punny? Like Bud Black and Vida Blue were on the card and it was titled, Black and Blue. Yasmany should be on one with Rubby with the title, “Rubby and Tubby.”
Dan Jennings – The Marlins GM named himself the Marlins manager. He has no baseball managerial experience outside of coaching high school in the 1980s. He said it was a long time ago, but he learned a lot in his time managing high school kids. “I promise if any of my boys knock up a girl, I will be the one they can call on for support. I won’t take any guff from any parents, I’m looking in your general direction, Yelich. If any of the boys don’t finish their homework, they just don’t play. Simple as that. I just want them to remember you can’t spell fundamentals without fun. Now who wants a milkshake?”
Marcell Ozuna – Went home for personal reasons. OZUNA must stop Mothra.
Dan Haren – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 3.47. Between Haren and Burnett, fake retiring is the new “players excel in their contract years.”
J.T. Realmuto – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st major league homer. Jeffrey Loria caught the home run ball and sold it back to Realmuto for the price of his contract.
Jarred Cosart – Hit the DL with vertigo. No word if he also has an obsession with blondes.
Scooter Gennett – Demoted to Triple-A. Worse, it took 15 minutes for the Brewers to communicate his demotion to him because they kept saying, “Okay, scoot now. You heard me. Now scoot!” And he thought they were just shortening his name.
Mike Fiers – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. I told most people yesterday to bench him, which was going against the Stream-o-Nator‘s advice. The Stream-o-Nator loves Fiers like it’s a pyromaniac. This start was in Detroit against the Tigers, if that’s not patently obvious, and usually SON has issues with road starters that aren’t aces, so what gives? Steamer loves Fiers. If you click his name, you’ll see the Rest of Season projections for Fiers and they’re actually better than Steamer’s preseason projections, and the peripherals back it up. In short, Fiers should be great, but he hasn’t been yet. In shorter, great not yet. In shortest, Altuve.
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Good sign, since this comes a day after he was plunked on the head. Eric Plunk, “You owe me a nickel! I was right behind Tony La Russa in the trademark office when he went for three-peat.”
Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Everything’s coming up JB!
Kyle Lobstein – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.29. Is it sad that Lobstein is pitching better than Verlander would’ve been or is nothing sad when it comes to Verlander because he gets to date Kate Upton?
Victor Martinez – Could be headed to the DL with the same knee injury that’s bothered him for months. Here, I thought he walked without bending his knees because he was a Zombino.
Anthony Gose – 1-for-4, 1 run and his 7th steal, hitting .336. Him and The King of SAGNOF (1-for-4, 1 run and his 9th steal) both were in the game because Yoenis sat out resting his thumb. If you have the bench space to own Gose and Rajai and platoon them, they’d be better than Billy Hamilton, the Bastard Son of SAGNOF.
Masahiro Tanaka – Threw a 29-pitch bullpen session. Right before the 30th pitch, Tanaka started screaming, “Haven’t we paid enough for Pearl Harbor?! My tendon is torn!”
Chase Whitley – Will have Tommy John surgery. That reminds me of the very strange epidemic of teenage suicide in the South Pacific islands of Micronesia described by Malcolm Gladwell in The Tipping Point.
Matt Moore – Threw 31 pitches in a simulated game. This is particularly odd because he put enough quarters in the machine to throw 32 pitches.
Jarrod Parker – Will have elbow surgery on Tuesday. The good news is he didn’t have to have his third Tommy John surgery that would’ve likely ended his career. The bad news is he collected donations on Kickstarter for his third Tommy John surgery, so does he have to reimburse everyone?
Drew Pomeranz – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, but left with shoulder tightness. He’s now gone five and a third innings or less in six of eight starts. Pomeranz sounds like a girlie dog and pitches like one too. Great, now I’m going to get a letter from Gloria Allred.
Lance McCullers – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (3 BBs), 5 Ks in his first major league start. Prospector Mike went over his Lance McCullers fantasy the other day, and I don’t think one start changes anything. He (Lance, not Mike) had a 13.3 K/9 and a 0.62 ERA in Double-A, though a bit wonky on the control (3.4 BB/9, which is like a 5 BB/9 in the majors). I’d still give him a whirl in most leagues for upside.
Corey Dickerson – Sat out again yesterday and will likely be put on the DL by this time on Tuesday. What time I’m writing this is the puzzle you need to solve for yourself.
Wilin Rosario – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 1st steal. After the game, Walt Weiss said, “We’re making due with Morneau sidelined without many options.” Then he threw a sinister look at Rosario for showing him up.
Ben Revere – 3-for-4, 1 run and his 8th steal. If you need speed or live in Saugus, Mass. and owning Revere is the next best thing, then grab him.
Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks in Coors. Sonavabench!
Bud Norris – Hit the DL with bronchitis. Too bad, so sad. So, that means Mike Wright will now be in the O’s rotation while Norris tries to locate a lozenge. Here’s what Monday Grey said, “Wright’s a tall righty, who throws hard. Can hit 97 MPH with his fastball, but, due to a lack of secondary offerings, didn’t reach the majors for a few years, even though he was in Double-A as long ago as 2012.” And that’s me quoting me! I’d look at him as a streamer for now in mixed leagues, but I’d get my giddy up in AL-Only leagues.
Bruce Chen – Retired yesterday from baseball. When I put in my supercomputer (that also has a mustache), what is the best way to honor Bruce Chen’s decision? My supercomputer says, “Leave him a MSG.” I think my supercomputer is being punny with monosodium glutamate.
Carlos Santana – Scratched with back spasms. If he scratched with back spasms, then his back is healthy enough to play!
Corey Kluber – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA down to 3.79, and 30 Ks in his last two starts with one earned run. Yeah, I told you to buy him at the exact right time. You’re welcome.
Chris Sale – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 4.36. He’s taking correcting his ERA a tad slower than Kluber, but he’s also turning things around after a rocky April. In Sale’s last 16 IP, he’s given up 3 runs and has notched 18 Ks. I.e., Sale’s over. Or Sale’s still going on, but now on Strasburg.
Avisail Garcia – Left the game with a minor knee issue. So, he took a knee due to his knee.
Chad Billingsley – Expected to miss 4-6 weeks with a lat strain. I’d think it would take four to six weeks to find his lats.
David Wright – Resumed activities in Port St. Lucie, Florida, which is named after the patron saint of Peanuts.
Matt Harvey – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.98, but lost the win due to Jeurys Familia (1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.86). I own Familia in a few leagues, but since Rudy owns Harvey in just about all of our leagues against me, I was not at all upset about Familia blowing Harvey’s win. There should be a glossary term for the joy that comes with your closer blowing a save for your opponent’s starter. Please suggest in the comments.
John Lackey – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.96. You, “Okay, Lackey’s been great, but (insert name of upside starter) has upside!”
Julio Urias – Dodgers pitching prospect will have cosmetic surgery to have his left eye lifted. Geez, not even in Los Angeles yet and already worried about how he will look. I’d get some butt filler, if I were him. If I were him! I’m not saying I have butt filler. Though, my daiquiri fund could have one cheek lifted…
Phil Coke – Designated for assignment. That assignment is to try and make heads or tails of the Mad Men finale.
Jose Reyes – Will start rehab games this week. He’s coming back from a cracked rib. A Mad rib would’ve been funnier.
Jose Bautista – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer (2nd in past 19 days) and hitting .235. I’m sure he could be King Kunta and he should probably run for mayor, but I still have major concerns about his shoulder.
Josh Donaldson – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .316 as he bats leadoff. He’s batting leadoff because you’ve left a void, Devon Travis! Did someone say avoid, Devon Travis? How quickly the tide turns, which isn’t an intro to a daytime soap opera, but sounds like it.
Steve Tolleson – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st steal as he played 2nd base. Maybe I loved 2nd base for the Blue Jays and not the player. I shall think on that.
C.J. Wilson – 5 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA up to 3.06. I don’t even want to think about what his ERA was before this game. Mean’s while, Carrasco’s ERA is 4.98. Thanks, God, for making no sense!
Albert Pujols – 2-for-5 and his 7th homer, hitting .237. Also in this game David Freese hit his 7th homer (2-for-4, 2 runs). According to our Player Rater, who’s been more valuable this year, Pujols or Freese? The Pujols owner that is whimpering right now knows the answer.
Chris Iannetta – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .156. The guy in last place in that two-catcher league just had a glimmer of hope. And they say hope is a good thing.
Kole Calhoun – 1-for-5, 1 run. The Sciosciapath named Calhoun the new cleanup hitter. I like how The Sciosciapath actually named Calhoun the cleanup hitter. Seems so quaint. Like it’s the 1950s and naming someone a specific role in the lineup matters. “You are our cleanup hitter, Mr. Calhoun. Good luck. Now let’s have scotch and play catch.” Like Calhoun won’t be hitting somewhere else in the lineup by this time next week. “You were a fine cleanup hitter. Now, you are our leadoff hitter. Let’s have a Rob Roy and ogle well-covered breasts.”