Framber Valdez pitched after his fractured finger happened, so will be assuming it’s not too terrible. Haha, I’m lyin’ to myself! Now now NOW! Calm down, Grey, it’s gonna all work out. *turns abruptly to mirror* Is it? So, this isn’t great news, but it’s early enough, and it was his ring finger on his pitching hand, but our writer, Coolwhip, looked at his grips for me (because I was too panicked), and it seems Framber only uses that finger 10% of the time with his change, which isn’t a good pitch for him. He’s primarily a sinker/curve guy. I reranked him, placing him in an area where I’d still draft him, but obviously this isn’t the ideal stuff you want to see. Unless you’re a demented ess oh bee. You a demented ess oh bee? Hmm…? Are you? Tell me! Sorry, I’m amped up. Speaking of which, kinda, he will need to ramp up to game-shape after returning in May, so I’m conservatively projecting him to return end of May, early-June. Okay, clerical work now *adjusts priest’s collar* Here’s my adjusted top 80 starters for 2021 fantasy baseball with new projections; top 100 for 2021 fantasy baseball with Framber removed; top 500 for 2021 fantasy baseball with Framber moved down about 125 spots, and my pitchers’ pairings tool adjusted. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2021 fantasy baseball:

Taijuan Walker – Signed with the Mets. Now New Yorkers can go to Queens or Canal Street to see something Taijuan made. “Hey, check out this Rollex I bought. There’s another L for the metaphor of me spending $250 on a knockoff.” That’s a guy returning from Canal Street, knowing he got duped. You know who didn’t get duped? The Mets! Solid innings bet for Taijuan, and best case scenario is much better than that, since he’s only a couple years away from a 3.50-ish ERA, and the slider he was pumping in last year makes me optimistic. Honestly, I’m tempted to move him even higher in my rankings, but Syndergaard (eventually), Lucchesi, Peterson and Taijuan for two spots has me hedging a little. Can find him in the top 100 starters for 2021 fantasy baseball. 2021 Projections: 8-9/4.21/1.32/126 in 133 IP

Brett Gardner – Re-signed with the Yankees. It’s a very optimistic ranking of Gardner in my top 100 outfielders. Oh, not optimistic for him! No, not at all! It’s optimistic that the Yankees will actually play Clint Frazier. “Yankees, hey, long time no speak, so let me ask you something, and feel free to answer because I’m dying to know — why the eff don’t you ever want to play Clint Frazier?” That’s me calling the Yankees’ helpdesk. For what it’s Wuertz, I also tweaked down Frazier in my top 60 outfielders. 2021 Projections: 34/12/39/.230/8 in 271 ABs

Todd Frazier – Signed with the Pirates. See, this would trigger my “Asdrubal to Diamondbacks” Rule (might need a new rule name). The rule states if a team doesn’t spend more than $50 million in the offseason, they cannot sign someone under $3 million to start at any position. They must play an in-house prospect or player. Sorry, I don’t make the rules (I do make them). Imagine being the Pirates, and signing Frazier to replace Colin Moran, even for rest days, or even to platoon. What would you actually be gaining there? Just play Moran, you morons!

Kole Calhoun – Went for knee surgery, and his timetable is four to six weeks. I docked him two months from the season, because of the unknown. “All Kole’s turn to diamonds, and other myths we tell ourselves…On this Ted Talk I will explain–” Oh, hey, what’s up? Sorry was talking to myself. With Kole saying, “What’s the inflammation information, kneeth?” it’s time for someone to step up? Varsho! Since Calhoun took a knee (to the doctor), I moved Dalton Varsho up in the top 20 catchers, and bumped Calhoun down into the top 100 outfielders.

Ian Desmond – Sounds like he’s opting out of playing, i.e., saving Bud Black from himself.

Gio Gonzalez – Signed with the Marlins. Yo, yo, YO! Don’t be trying to mess with the South Florida Bad Boys rotation. Shizz is stacked, and we don’t have room for anyone else. Go swingman out of the bullpen, Gio.

Ian Kennedy – Signed a deal with the Rangers. Just what a Kennedy needs to do, head out to Dallas.

Scott Kazmir – Signed with the Giants. A random smattering of Giants pitchers:  Aaron Sanchez, Alex Wood, Cueto, and Kazmir. Are they putting together a team or a staged production of Grumpy Old Men?

Jarred Kelenic – In a rare move, without any major news, I’ve moved Kelenic up in my rankings — find his new ranking and projections in the top 60 outfielders for 2021 fantasy baseball. I’ll be damned if I’m ranking a sexy prospect lower than ESPN. Oh, hecks no. I also drafted my first share of Kelenic the other day. *motions to hostess* Table for 2, please. *looks at Kelenic, fans self* Why hello there, Jarred…It’s not pronounced like what I do with my apricot preserves? …I see…Are you sure?

Jake Odorizzi – Giving Odorizzi and Yasiel Puig one more week to sign before dropping them way down in all my rankings. You’ve been warned if you’re currently or about to draft.

Spencer Torkelson – Cut his finger with what the Tigers are saying was a fake can opener. “Hey, guys, don’t want to alarm anyone, but did someone label a sword as a ‘can opener?'”

Royce Lewis – Diagnosed with an ACL tear, and expected out for a year. Woofy woofy woof. Damn. He tore it when he slipped on melting ice in Texas. Hate to see it, Royce Lewis was taken out by climate change.

Nick SenzelReds’ manager Buddy Bell’s son, David Bell, said that Senzel will be their everyday center fielder, which is what they say, then on April 4th, they say Senzel is just getting “rest” after starting three whole games.

Jake Lamb – Signed with the Braves. The Atlanta front office neither confirmed nor denied getting Lamb to motivate Sandoval.

Shin-Soo Choo – Left the states to go play in Korea. Standing on the tarmac, Shin-Soo looks out over the horizon. Finally, with much sadness, “I Choo-Choo choose to take my puns elsewhere.”