I’m taking questions after my Ted Talks on fantasy baseball. I adjust my headset mic, pull on my turtleneck. Going Steve Jobs today wasn’t the best of ideas. This turtleneck is itchy. “You, in the front row.” “First off, the stuff you said blew my mind. I never knew electromagnetism had anything to do with fantasy baseball. Your square root stuff seemed like it came from a supercomputer. But a supercomputer with a mustache. And older supercomputers fawning over it. Supercomputer Cougars, if you will. So, my question for you is who does Kyle Hendricks remind you of?” “Alex Wood. Next question, you.” The Sun-Maid Raisin Box Girl stands up, “Do you know I’m a Cougar?” *shoots up in bed, dripping in sweat* Whoa, I just had the weirdest dream. Left Side of My Brain, “Or was that reality?!” AH!!! So, Hendricks pitched a gem the other day. His 2nd gem in a row, and I took a long hard look at him, then didn’t mention him the other day because I wanted to highlight him here. I agree with Dream Grey, he does look like Alex Wood. Only Alex Wood when he’s on point. Right now, Hendricks has a 7 K-rate, 1.9 BB/9 and a 3.77 xFIP. Wood throws a curve more, but their velocities are very close on the fastball, too. Both have 50%+ ground ball rates, which makes them prone to BABIP. Hendricks is not a potential ace, but he should be owned in far more leagues and looks like a solid fantasy #3 with #2 upside based on luck. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I want to get back to sleep and see the Sun-Maid Raisin Box Girl. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Tanner Roark – Mr. Roark will make all your fantasies come true.
Tsuyoshi Wada – Cubs pitchers are the new black, and black is the new green and green is the old yellow. Black is old yellow, black is old yellow!
Jesse Hahn – Again, had to go to Saturday on the SON to find a hot Hahn.
Carson Smith – SAGNOF!
Brad Ziegler – His closer value from Wednesday to today went like this. The teacher tells him, “No, Brad, we’re going to hand out ice cream alphabetically by last name.”
Shawn Tolleson – Would love to be in a league where he’s unowned, then I’d be getting me some mothereffin’ virtual fantasy trophies!
Travis d’Arnaud – The French Terminator, d’Arnaud, is due back any day now, Annie Potts. Stop your pussyfooting and start your catcher scab picking!
Matt Duffy – We could never afford to own a top middle infielder, but there we were wavin’ Devon and Lawrie goodbye. Duffy and I got an apartment with deep pile carpet, and a couple of paintings by Fernando Tatis. — lyrics from Scenes From A Middle Infield Restaurant
Joe Panik – Panik! in the Frisco doesn’t move my needle a ton, and neither does the band.
Chase Utley – *Utley opens his trophy case, removes his trophy labeled “Razzball’s #1 2nd baseman for fantasy in 2009,” sighs* Hey, but you’re hot now, Utes!
Trevor Plouffe – Plouffe goes the dynamite!
Francisco Lindor – As of right now, Lindor’s on deck to be my lede for next week’s Buy. Stay tuned! Or not. Your choice.
Cameron Maybin – Singing a’la Oasis, “Maybin…You’re gonna be the one to save me outfield…” Fighting with Random Italicized Voice a’la Noel and Liam Gallagher, “Bugger off, you right twit!” “Your hair is feathered, you bird snatcher!”
Preston Tucker – I find myself honing my attention to every at-bat Tucker gets, because I think the Astros want him to A) Succeed. B) Hit third. C)No C. To give you the shortest of info on him, he hit ten homers and .320 in 25 games in Triple-A this year. Yup, that’s good. I’m piqued, y’all!
Randal Grichuk – I’m betting on Grichuk to get some abandoned Adams ABs, even if Adams abandoned his ABs years ago.
Anthony Gose – Duck, duck, SAGNOF!
Adam Eaton – Most of the guys in this post are hot, ya know? Eaton is atop a terrible lineup and not hitting a ton of a whole lot, but I’ve owned him for about ten days, so misery loves company.
Mike Napoli – And, just think, if you own him, you’ll have something to discuss with his mother if you run into her, besides her nipples.
Ryan Howard – You people move about as quick to pick up a hot schmotato as Howard moves to the treadmill.
Chris Colabello – Whenever I see his name, I hear an ice cold can of Coke being opened. Shizz will lose its fizzle though.
Logan Forsythe – Prolly more of an MI, but he has 1st base eligibility too, so I stuffed him in the 1st baseman section. I’ve never mentioned this before (that I recall, and my recall dates back to April of 1958), but roundups are broken up by teams and Buys are broken down by position. Superstar!
Mitch Moreland – This week will go down in history as the greatest week ever to pick up a corner man that you feel especially meh on. As for Moreland, the Hitter-Tron has a protruding metal rod for him.
Ben Paulsen – Walt Weiss is playing him because Weiss will be out of a job by October and Paulsen paid him money.
Justin Bour – Your baloney has a first name, it’s J-U-S-T-I-N. Your baloney has a 2nd name, it’s B-O-U-R-I-N-G.
Mark Reynolds – With Lardy The Ass sidelined, Mini Donkey will be seeing more ABs. I bet he could sneak into a 20+ HR season for those in very deep leagues.
Jon Singleton – Mother, I can’t see the snow, the windows are filled with 1st baseman waiver pickups. It’s okay, Grey, they’ll be cold soon too. Thank you, Mother.
Bryce Harper – Whoa, wait one haircut-inspired-by-a-cockadoodie minute! Sell Bryce Harper? When you asked your caretaker to give you more mush, it went to your head! I know, I know, Harper is the Overseer of the King Dumb. He’s a fine-molded piece of specimen juice. Agreed. I’m not saying you sell him for nothing. His 36.7% HR/FB% is just silly, stupid, word found in thesaurus. He has the 2nd highest HR/FB% after Ryan Howard in 2006. The data only goes back 13 years, and I’m sure there were some crazy high ones with a Jimmie Foxx or someone, but Harper is out of his element, Donnie. Going into this year, he had a 17% HR/FB%. Hitters don’t go from hitting 17 homers every 100 fly balls to 37 homers every 100 fly balls. Not even Bonds, McGwire or any other slugger Selig was needle-sticking. Bonds never even had a HR/FB% above 30%! Again, I wouldn’t sell Harper for a mixed tape that your buddy embarrassingly made for his ex-girlfriend entitled, “Heartache and Dreams of Us,” but I’d explore options.