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I want to talk about Bryce Elder, but first I have to ask is Taylor Swift’s new album an ode to Casey Anthony? I’ve watched the Investigation Discovery true crime documentaries too, Swifties! What is going on here with this track list?

I demand answers! [gets dragged away in straitjacket] I will not be silenced! So, clearly, we can’t have a serious conversation about serious business unless we’re talking about Serious Business Bryce Elder (6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, as he was called up) with his 89 MPH fastball. So, he has great command, two “good” pitches, a 82 MPH slider and 85 MPH change, which is basically the same thing as his 89 MPH fastball, which he threw 51+% of the time last year, which is kinda comical. Three ‘which’s and not even a Sandwich artist. Does this sound like I don’t love Bryce Elder? He had a 6.6 K/9 last year in 174 2/3 IP. What are we doing here? At home vs. the Marlins was a great matchup, and I’m fine in shallower leagues with a Streamonator call, but it’s no wonder his last name is Elder. He’s like a 25-year-old Jamie Moyer. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Travis d’Arnaud – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer and 27th homer in the last few games. Fun fact! His last name is an abbreviation of Dukesnider’Arnaud.

Peter Fairbanks – Hit the IL with Raynaud’s syndrome. That causes a decrease in blood flow to fingers and makes it unable for him to grip the baseball. Way worse than Reynaldo’s syndrome, which makes someone pitch awesome like Reynaldo Lopez. Last promenient case of Raynaud’s was Brandon Woodruff, who missed about a month with it. Hard to say how long Fairbanks will be out. Could be anywhere from two weeks to two months. I grabbed Jason Adam, but it could be Colin Poche, Garrett Cleavinger, Shawn Armstrong, Nadir Bupkis, Kevin Gooberstein, okay, I’m making up names now.

Mark Canha – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Naturally I would’ve been better drafting Canha in the first round instead of Aaron Judge. Naturally! Now I see the humor and Canha.

Parker Meadows – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. He has five hits this season and two homers. Yo, Joey Gallo just sent a cease and desist.

Tarik Skubal – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.82. The way he’s pitching, I legitimately wouldn’t be shocked if he ends the year with a 2.25 ERA or lower.

Jose Caballero – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Caballero did add power! He’s on pace for 13 homers this year! Wow! [sees it’s about the same as Aaron Judge and Tommens out a window]

Zack Littell – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.33. At home vs. the Tigers and you got done in by Mark Canha and Parker Meadows. Like my grandmother used to say to me, go to sleep, you’re annoying me!

Carlos Rodon – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Meh, and this was home vs. the A’ss, so let’s not get Rodoniculous with ourselves.

J.P. Sears – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.38. In the Bronx vs. the Yanks–Hold up! I need to look at Sears’s numbers. 1275 stores nationwide down to four and one is just a parking lot for a train station–[intern whispers in ear] I see! That makes more sense! Sears has a 5.4 K/9, 3.4 BB/9 and 5.40 xFIP. Those are some of the worst numbers I’ve ever seen. I wouldn’t even Streamonator that.

Zack Gelof – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs, and his 3rd homer, hitting .205. This guy looks like such a bum. Oh, not as bad as that guy, Aaron Judge! No, he’s the real bum! Move Judge down the lineup and bat Trevino third!

Frankie Montas – Hit the IL with a forearm contusion, after taking a comebacker off his arm. I read “fortunately there’s no fracture for Montas,” and, knowing what I know of MLB medical staffs, all I could think was, yeah, they haven’t found it yet.

Ranger Suarez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.36. People were asking if they should start Suarez, a guy with a 1.73 ERA going into the game in a two-start week. Gotta be honest, I think y’all might over-manage more than Kevin Cash.

Hunter Greene – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.55. His stuff is dirty and nasty, but the results are so not there. I don’t know why. I bet it clicks at some point, but shizz ain’t clicking now.

Jonathan Cannon – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.27. White Sox starter Cannon’s barely better than Reindorf with a t-shirt gun.

Chris Paddack – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.57, and 88 MPH in a DeLorean to go back to 2019. Streamonator liked this one. Everyone vs. the White Sox? It’s not a bad idea.

Max Kepler – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs as he was activated from the IL. Welp, goodbye Austin Martin, I always loved your mother, Donna.

Edouard Julien – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .211. What if after Twins’ hitting prospects Kirilloff, Buxton, Larnach, Miranda, Sano and Royce Lewis have disappointed, Julien finally meets the brief?

Yusei Kikuchi – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.28. I have Yusei and Berrios on so many teams, and, let’s just say, my ERAs, like the one-quarter Jewish heritage of Harrison Ford, not too shabby.

Daulton Varsho – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games and fourth homer in the last five games. Is he insanely hot? Var sho!

Brady Singer – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.79. Not saying I was rooting against Singer, but after drafting him everywhere last year and receiving turd sandwiches from Postmates from him with a 45% service charge, I–Okay, I was rooting against him!

Maikel Garcia – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .178. “Should I trade Trea Turner and pick up Maikel Garcia off waivers since they’re basically the same thing?” That’s you the first week of the season.

Nolan Gorman – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .179. He didn’t start the game, so I finally removed this schmohawk from my lineup and he homers. Sonavabench! In three short weeks, I went from loving Gorman and Jordan Walker to seething when I see their names.

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Au Shizz! Though, he’s been mostly complete shizz. He came into the season touting how he went to Driveline this offseason. Are we sure he didn’t go to Drivel-ine, the mouthguard company that stops drooling?

Manny Machado – Put on the paternity list. Also, put on the paternity list yesterday was Bryce Harper. Hey, and this was about 9 months from the All-Star Break…Aw…I now pronounce you Manny and Bryce!

Dylan Cease – 7 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.82. Wanna hear the saddest thing ever? The Rockies have become a good team to start your pitchers against even in Coors.

Albert Suarez – 5 2/3 IP, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.000000000000000000. I have a “stash closers” problem. In FAAB this week, and every week, I want to grab the guy who has two good matchups (Suarez) but instead I grab Guy Who May Or May Not Get Saves, Mark Leiter Jr. It’s not great process when you can’t even start some of these closers-in-waiting. Any hoo! Suarez gets the A’ss later this week, and you know Streamonator loves it.

Austin Hays – Hit the IL with who cares. Too bad, so sad. Heston Kjerstad was called up! Woo hoo! Who who?

Heston Kjerstad – Was called up. That’s who who. In 21 games in Triple-A this year, he has 10 homers and is hitting .349. So ludicrous he was in the minors. Then again, where’s he playing? I guess he platoons with Mountcastle, who is slashing .324/.388/.500. The O’s have such a ridiculous team they’re getting to the point where they have too many weapons. I’d pick up Kjerstad in every league for his immense power, but you prolly will have to platoon him.

Colton Cowser – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in the last two games, hitting .364. The O’s lineup is pretttttttty, pretttttttty good, but it’s not so good that Cowser should be hitting 8th. C’mon! Ramon Urias needs to hit 5th?

Jo Adell – 1-for-3 and a slam (2) and legs (6), hitting .281. Somehow the Angels have had two decent hitters for roughly the last four years and they never have room for Jo Adell.

Keaton Winn – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.54. Feel like I hadn’t looked at Winn in a while, so I took a gander and he looks like a 6th to 7th starter in 12-team mixed, but mostly a streamer. Solid-ish command though, which is nice in deeper leagues. The stuff also looks decent, but the results have been meh.

Michael Conforto – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. Hey, it’s the 1st week of the season hot schmotato. Say hello to your mother for me!

Pete Alonso – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer. Albombso!

Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-4 and his 2nd homer. He hit leadoff yesterday and his walk-up song should’ve been Remember the Time.

Jared Jones – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.79. He is straight filth. His first name is Mr. His middle name is Nasty, and his surname is Nasty again. His name is Mr. Nasty Mr. Incredibly, Mr. Nasty Mr. is likely the Pirates’ 2nd best pitcher. The best is learning how to field bunts in the minors.

Wade Miley – Hit the IL with elbow inflammation. Called up in his place was Tobias Myers. Interested in watching Tobias Myers, star of Manhunt, one of the worst shows I’ve watched in a while. What a snooze! Maybe because I read the book, but, man, that was boring. Myers has a gravity-defying four-seamer, interesting stats in the minors (11 K/9 last year in 137 2/3 IP), and caused nary a peep from peep-les when called up. Maybe because the results (5.03 ERA last year) haven’t been great. Myers feels like he could come up, throw nasty and get on mixed league radars very fast.

Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Brewers’ new manager Pat Murphy was hired by the Brewers, because he’s always drunk. For further confirmation, see Jake Bauers hitting cleanup, in front of Hoskins.

Joe Ross – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.05. He gets the Yanks next, and the Streamonator says, “I’m screaming at you that you’re a moron like I’m a fan sitting behind the Yankees’ dugout.” You see this yesterday? Aaron Boone got ejected because the home plate ump thought he was yelling at him, but it was the fan behind their dugout. Such a classic bit from The Ump Show. Unpopular opinion: Stop throwing players or coaches out of the game for arguing. NFL coaches don’t get ejected for yelling. As a society we’ve moved past the need for umps to throw people out of games. Wanna speed up the game? Lose the 10 minutes of arguing. Earl Weaver’s been dead for ten years and retired for almost 40 years; he was the last one whose arguing was worth watching.