Diamondbacks said J.J. Putz needs elbow surgery. Imagine the doctor misreads Putz’s chart and J.J. walks out with a new putz that is an arm, elbow to hand. Would that have him get to third base and home all with one swing of the bat? It would help him avoid that awkwardness when you try to hug and undo a girl’s pants. He could also towel himself down while opening a door. Actually, this sounds like a plus-plus, or rather, a putz-putz! I’m reinventing the knuckle shuffle! The Diamondbacks also officially announced yesterday what I announced the day before, Heath Bell would be the closer. Ya know this means he’s going to crap your face and call it Google Glass, right? You know this, right? I do, and I still grabbed him. I’d also grab David Hernandez in case the only thing Bell rings in are blown saves. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 2 homers. Who led you to the 2nd round Golden Goose? You’re welcome.
Jesus Montero – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer, hitting .205. So far Jesus has turned a “once-promising squatter” into fantasy baseballers’ whine.
Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks with his 5th win. F-Her’s ERA is 1.53 and WHIP is at 0.90. Good thing you stayed away because wins would be an issue.
Jonathan Sanchez – Released by the Pirates. They made him walk the plankety plank.
A.J. Burnett – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. Apricot Jammies is 2nd in the major leagues for strikeouts behind Darvish. Cust kayin’.
Will Middlebrooks – Day-to-day with rib soreness. Sounds like someone needs some spare ribs! This blurb was sponsored by Tony Roma’s.
Allen Webster – 1 2/3 IP, 8 ER. I picked up Webster, and he was so polite and cherubby. Kept calling my Cougar ma’am and everything. Then he started a fire on my fantasy team and pretended to save us and Mr. Papadapolis. Should’ve known better to trust some young kid who’s actually 42 years old.
Felix Doubront – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 14 baserunners, 4 Ks in relief of the guy who replaced him for one start. Ah, the ol’ spiteful child routine. I’d expect that from Webster.
Shane Victorino – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer in three days. I’m keeno for Shane Victorino!
Kevin Gregg – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks. Sveum officially announced Gregg was the closer, so you can lose all the other random Cubs relievers you’ve been hoarding. This comes the same day Heath Bell got the closer job. Bit of a renaissance going on here. Too bad Todd Jones retired and Jeff Reardon is robbing laundromats.
Anthony Rizzo – 3-for-4, 1 run and average is up to .269. Yes, it’s early to talk about next year, but be prepared for Rizzo to be in the 2nd round. Well, except at ESPN where he’ll be ranked with Martin Prado and Roy Halladay in the 70’s.
Carlos Villanueva – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks. His ERA is up to 3.02 and WHIP is at 1.01. Solid marks, but both will continue to raise. In the short term, he gets the Rockies in Wrigley and Pirates in PNC. Those aren’t great match-ups, and would look elsewhere.
Nate Schierholtz – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting over .300 in the last week and .299 on the year with 4 homers. Yet, the Cubs still insist on platooning him. Schierholtz and Valdespin need to start a support group. Call it, “Everyday Play Is Lovely All Day.” Though that might be what Epilady stands for.
Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. I think this is the first time in his career he’s had less baserunners than innings pitched.* *No actual research done for the preceding, but it makes my point. So, that’s 15-Love.
Michael Brantley – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal, but his 2nd steal in his last two games started. Hot schmotato alert — Def-Con 3: The Search for SAGNOF! starring Michael Brantley and Don Swayze.
Josh Reddick – Placed on the DL with wrist inflammation. I thought he was getting a cortisone shot and about to come back to life. What happened there? You Reddick’d me over, A’s?
A.J. Griffin – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Although, he’s been better on the road in his career (marginally), I’d still feel more comfortable starting Alfredo Jettucine at home, which is where he goes next. What a coinkydink!
Jason Heyward – Scheduled to begin his rehab stint on Thursday. It’s just an appendix, doode. C’mon, I had a friend in college who had his appendix removed and went out the same night and got blotto on 151 and cokes. Let’s go!
Dan Uggla – 2-for-4, 3 runs, and two solo homers. Has been mostly Fuggla this year, but there’s glimmers as he’s now hit in 6 straight games and started that mini-streak with a homer.
Mike Minor – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Terrific start in Great American Ballpark going against Mike Leake. As commenter, Professor Chaos, pointed out, “Leake vs. Minor…what, is R. Kelly singing the national anthem?”
Andrelton Simmons – 4-for-5. Listen, I’m cool with him having an intergalactic first name, but you see the similarities between him and him, right? Could someone in Atlanta throw Reese’s Pieces at Andrelton? I’m just doing an experiment.
Juan Francisco – 1-for-4 with a grand slam. Giving you straight honest flavor here, if I had Chris Johnson and Juan Francisco and they were both hitting every time I started one, I’d start them randomly too. You’re all right Fredi Gonzalez, I don’t care what Jonny Venters says about you through his attorneys.
Jordan Schafer – 3-for-4, 1 run. If I were Fredi, I’d probably play this schmohawk over Melvin Emanuel, which sounds like an installment of the Showtime series where she has sex in a salmon fishery, but is B.J.’s real name.
Jay Bruce – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer. I am currently trying to trade for him with Machado. It’s very, very, very, very fair, right? Sho’ I’m right! Sho’! Though I’m doing the negotiating with a team I think has already put up the Gone Fishing sign. That’s always fun bargaining. It’s like, “Hey, you want to trade Bruce?” *crickets* “How about for Machado?” *crickets* “You could use a 3rd baseman. By the way, do you hear crickets?” (Actually, I did what you do when one team won’t return your trade offers, I sent Machado to another team for David Price. Pray for me and Price.)
Zack Cozart – 2-for-4 with a solo homer. Andrelton, “Did someone say Han Solo?” Stop creeping me out, Andrelton!
Chris Tillman – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks. Technically, this is a pretty bleh start, but he gets the Padres next so I’m gonna stay blissfully ignorant.
J.J. Hardy – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. This was his 3rd homer in his last four games. The only Hardy boy mystery is whether he can hit better than his current .215.
Mike Moustakas – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Sonavabench! This is only the 2nd game I’ve taken him out of my lineup all year. Why do you torment me Mostsuckass? Why?!
Alex Gordon – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer. So dumb that he’s leading off instead of hitting third with Butler in the four-hole. I’d even go as far to say it’s *pinkie to mouth* Royally stupid.
Elliot Johnson – 2-for-4 after he played his 2nd game in a row over Chris Getz. Could be the beginning of Johnson taking over full-time duties at 2nd base. This means nothing outside of AL-Only leagues, but in those leagues Elliot could be a nice source of SAGNOF with everyday at-bats. He could also help Andrelton get home.
Mitch Moreland – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. Here’s me thinking yesterday after his last homer, “I should point out that Moreland is getting hot. Oh, wait, this homer came on the road. Must be an aberration. What does aberration mean again? Is it six o’clock yet? I have an appointment at the tanning salon. Damn, I have to put on my thong.”
Derek Holland – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, 2.54 ERA on the year. He’s looking every bit as good as Rudy thought he would and I did not. Eh, you win some, you lose Greinke for six weeks.
Ian Kinsler – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .324 on the year. I ranked him in the top 20 in the preseason and should own him, but never had the opportunity to draft him. As an obese squirrel would say to a waiter, nuts on that!
A.J. Pierzynski – Landed on the DL with a strained oblique. Ironically, he strained his oblique trying to figure out where it was.
Carlos Gomez – 4-for-4, hitting .386. Okay, this is absurd now. There’s no way on this green earth that Al Gore is fighting for is Gomez going to hit within 100 points of that.
Jason Marquis – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins in Petco. I’m beginning to think every starter in Petco and every starter vs. the Marlins should get an extra five dollars on the Stream-o-Nator. SON, “You have to get Joe Blanton’s approval.”
Will Venable – 2-for-4 with his 5th steal. Only 25 more homers and 55 more steals and he’ll hit JayWrong’s bold predictions.
Ricky Nolasco – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve waited for Nolasco to have an ERA that equaled his FIP and now that he does, I couldn’t care less. That is also the opening voice-over for a kid who gets mixed up with a bad group of sabermetricians called, “BABIPfellas.”
Troy Tulowitzki – Walt Weiss decided not to play him because it was cold and rainy. Tulo also can’t have dessert until he eats his vegetables.
Joe Blanton – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. His record fell to 0-6. Stream-o-Nator reads that as ‘oh-so-sexy.’
Josh Hamilton – 1-for-3 with his 3rd homer, raising his average to .205. Now only four off Vernon Wells’s pace!
Bud Norris – 8 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks. Yeah, but he was just facing the Anathema Angels.
Jimmy Paredes – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. I know it’s against everything you’ve learned in the correspondence course you took from the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston, but I’d pick up this Astro.
Chris Carter – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many games, as he hits .212. I will now start calling him The Big Ugly (until I forget that I’ve nicknamed him that).
Jayson Werth – Hasn’t played since last Thursday due to his hamstring. Hey, I’m no rocket surgeon, but you could just place him on the DL.
Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. I understand this was against the Tigers, but I don’t understand people asking if they should start him. He’s not a streamer, yo. It’s J-Z.
Roy Halladay – Having shoulder surgery and is done for the next few months, possibly the season. Huge blow to everyone that followed ESPN’s rankings. The good news is ESPN will eventually stop talking about Halladay like this is a huge blow. I hate to be the bearer of the blatantly obvious, but he wasn’t good last year. If you drafted him this year, you’re the masturbater of your fate. Wait, Siri, is ‘masturbater of your fate’ the cliché? Siri, “Yes. Move on, Grey. Muahahaha…” Siri, why are you evil laughing? Siri, “Was I, Grey? Was I?”
Alejandro De Aza – 3-for-5, 2 runs and a slam & legs. Alejandro’s hot like Mexico!
Carlos Zambrano – Signed with the Long Island Ducks. That means Zambrano is Duck fat and everyone else is Ducks fast.
Jeremy Hefner – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the White Sux. Blech. No grotto for you, Hefner.
Jake Peavy – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. Looked good after missing his last start with a back ailment. Then again, it was against the Mess
Jake Westbrook – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K. His ERA is still at 1.62, while his WHIP is 1.46. That’s gonna drive Fangraphs Database to drink heavily.
Evan Longoria – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Only 28 homers to go.
Kelly Johnson – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Who is the hottest schmotato in all the land? “Me?” No, Ryan Raburn! You were last week. In the last ten games, Kelly Johnson’s raised his average from .185 to .283 and has two homers in the last week. Yeah, I’d grab him. Yeah, in that league too.
Ricky Romero – 1/3 IP, 3 ER. A third of the way through the first inning he realized how bad he sucks and left the game with hurt feelings.
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs with his 10th homer. I beat up the Angels about their level of incompetence, but the Blue Jays haven’t been much better. Karma’s a bitch and she doesn’t like teams buying championships. But, in all seriousness, when the Yankees or Rangers or someone pays $765 million for Cano next December, I guarantee everything we learned from the Blue Jays and Angels this year will go out the window and people will be like, “Ooh, (fill-in team) is gonna be sooooooooo good in 2014!”
Josh Willingham – 0-for-4, 1 run as the Twins scored 15. Ticker tease! I swear on the hair on my lip, I don’t even know how it’s possible to bat third for a team that scores 15 runs and have an 0-for-4 with one run.
Oswaldo Arcia – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Where’s Oswaldo? In a red and white striped shirt, hitting .300 with 2 homers in 60 ABs. Granted, everyone hit yesterday vs. the Red Sox (except Willingham), but I’d look at Arcia in shallower mixed leagues. He has big upside and could hit .280 with 20 homers this year.
Trevor Plouffe – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. Didn’t look anything like the Merriam-Webster definition of Plouffe, which is the sound a turd makes when it hits the toilet water.
Ryan Doumit – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. Damn you, catcher questions. Ugh, yes, Doumit’s hot.
Adrian Gonzalez – Left yesterday’s game with a strained neck muscle. A) He tries to play through it for another week then goes on the DL. B) Goes straight to the DL. C) There’s no C. Best case scenario, C happens.
Hanley Ramirez – Dodgers updated his timetable and said he’s gonna be out 4-6 weeks. Know that uncle you have that used to play soccer with Andrew Shue and briefly hand modeled, but now sits on the couch and does Word Finds? That’s what insouciance looks like when it gets old. Hanley is your Word Find Uncle.
Brandon League – LA Times said this yesterday, “Mattingly says he’s thought about mixing up closer role but doesn’t want to mess up ‘pen, ‘not that we’re not a mess already a little bit.'” I put that through a baseball manager-to-English translator and it spit back at me, “What the eff did you just say? Is that even English? Yogi Berra makes more sense than that. Stop, you’re giving me a headache.” What I think Mattingly is saying is, “I want Jansen, you want Jansen, soon we will have Jansen.”
Hunter Pence – 1-for-4 with a slam (7) & legs (6). The other day I bet you he would steal a base within two days, because he obviously has some sort of OCD that his number of homers and steals has to be the same. I won that bet, but now that he hit another homer it means I gotta parlay the bet for him to steal another base in the next two days. By the way, I watched Pence score from first on a double the other day — this man plays with so much energy, he’s like David Eckstein with a man’s body and less sensitive skin.
Marco Scutaro – 3-for-5, 1 RBI and is hitting over .400 in the last week. I hate Scutaro with every fiber of my body and I eat multi-grain cereal, so it’s a lot, but he’s hitting so he should be owned.
Sergio Romo – 1 IP, 2 ER and the blown save, but the Giants won. I don’t know why this is, but psychologically when a team wins after a blown save, it seems like the closer is in less danger of taking the blame. There should be a glossary term for this. Suggest in the comments.
Santiago Casilla – Will undergo an MRI on his knee. Sounds like a DL stint is in the works. That’s a DL stint with onions, pickles, mustard, ketchup and jalapenos.
