Moogly-boogly! It’s been a long winter. The Buy/Sell Column’s back, helping you know when the hell you’re supposed to stop working early on Friday. During the offseason, while you were diddling and thinking about how your middle school nickname was Skidmark, I, The Buy/Sell Column was re-reenacting scenes from Moonlight with puppets in the BBQ Belt of Alabama because I’M HARDCORE! You want some Rip Taylor-wannabe, throwing confetti at your feet or you want a Buy/Sell Column that simulates puppets having hand-sex on a beach to a very anti-puppet sex audience!? Like Jose Altuve trying to get the Cocoa Puffs, you want the latter! Okay, enough of the hubbub on the tomfoolery, I’m in on Tyler Saladino. Last year, Saladino had eight homers and 11 steals in only 298 ABs while hitting .282. One year in the minors, he stole 38 bases, and, one year in the minors, he hit 16 homers. Put that together, and you have Francisco Lindor! Okay, kidding, but he’s hitting leadoff, is eligible at 2B and SS, and can get a few homers while also stealing some bases. And I’m not excited about him simply because I named one of my puppets in Alabama, Tosser Saladino. My love for Saladino did not start when I heard he had a brother named Cucumber Saladino. Wrong, I don’t love Saladino simply because I’m in LA and I picture him topped with wheatgrass. Eff your wheatgrass, Los Angeles! Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Stephen Vogt – Quick word about the Buys and Sells. Buys have to be owned in less than 50% of ESPN leagues. Why ESPN? Why not, who cares, why you asking why ESPN? Leave me alone! Next, Sells have to owned in more than 50% of ESPN leagues. Why ESPN? Didn’t I just give you a non-answer on that? As for Vogt, he will be hitting in the middle of the A’s lineup, which should be good for counting stats. Now if Vogt starts getting, say, 5 RBIs in games where the A’s only score four runs, then someone may call an investigation into California’s Vogt.
Travis Shaw – I see his last name and see a missing P for pshaw, which is defined as an expression of impatience. As in, when is Shaw going to hit for some power? Pshaw! Can’t Shaw be as good as Jake Lamb? Pshaw! Why do I keep spitting every time I say Shaw? Pshaw! But he has started the year hot, so I’d see if maybe there might be something here.
Mark Reynolds – Every time I saw Gerardo Parra in drafts and forgot to draft him, I did remember about Reynolds. All brays to Mini Donkey? Wouldn’t go that far yet, but for a month fill-in while Desmond’s out, I don’t mind it.
Ryan Schimpf – Where do you go for gross Americanized Chinese? PF Chang’s. Where do you go for gross, power-only 2nd basemen? –pf Bang’s!
Raul Mondesi – Last year, he lost 50 games for a *cough* suspension *cough*. Literally, he was banned for cough syrup. By the way, how has no one played a prank on him and had Young the Giant’s Cough Syrup play when he goes up to bat? This year, Mondesi has the everyday job, and he’s more SAGNOF! than most. He might only hit .190 with thirty steals, but if you need that sorta thing and he can avoid the purple drank.
Devon Travis – Was shocked to see Travis not owned in 50% of leagues. Shocked, I tell ya! Like after the 2nd episode of the S-Town podcast shocked. By the way, people should be listening to this; it’s a rich tapestry. Like a tapestry that filters its money through off-shore bank accounts. Any hoo! There’s no reason Travis should not be owned in all leagues.
Joey Gallo – His power is immeasurable. His 1st home run went 420 feet. Random Italicized Voice, immeasurable is being used figuratively. Like when Lou Gehrig said he was the luckiest man on earth after being diagnosed with a terminal illness? Um, yeah sorta.
Chase Headley – Hot schmotato alert! Or as JayWrong calls him, “The Greatest Hitter Of Our Generation.”
JaCoby Jones – No lie, I just spent fifteen minutes finding out there’s a football player named Jacoby Jones, who was on Dancing With the Stars. I’m in such a baseball bubble, I never heard of him prior. According to his ‘Personal Life’ Wikipedia section, he was injured in a way I imagine is a top ten cause for injury to football players, “Jones was struck over the head by a champagne bottle, swung by a stripper.” Such an NFL-type injury. As for JaCoby Jones, he’s a solid AL-Only play for some speed and power.
Freddy Galvis – I get it, J.P. Crawford is going to come up at some point this season, but there’s no reason why you can’t own Galvis until then. What’s so special about Galvis? Oh, I don’t know, he hit 20 HRs and stole 17 bases last year. If you were promised that from, say, Byron Buxton, like you wouldn’t take it.
Mitch Haniger – How is he only owned in 16% of ESPN leagues? Oh, I know! Karabell owns 18,000 teams to fill his virtual trophy case and doesn’t own Haniger on any of them. Don’t pay attention to Karabot and grab Haniger.
Corey Dickerson – Who’s the hottest schmotato in the land? Well, depends on your definition of schmotato and whether or not schmotato is a word, but Dickerson is pretty hot.
Aaron Judge – At some point, he’s going to mollywhop a home run 600 feet and the Yankee meathead fans are going to hype him so much you’re not going to want to own him just out of spite, but, as of right now, enthusiasm on Judge is still at a low roar like James Earl Jones playing the Cowardly Lion.
Manuel Margot – Since there’s still so few games that have been played, a lot of these guys are being touted here as pickups due to their potential and not so much what they’ve done thus far. So, if you’re hemming and hawing over a speed guy to grab, find your Hemingway to Margot.
Andrew Toles – Or as Prospector Ralph calls him, Ricky Ross, the guy who invented crack, due to their resemblance. Toles is less crack though, and more speed. Also, Hitter-Tron loves him tomorrow. Almost as much as the Hitter-Tron loves sticking its dipstick into greased metal holes.
Michael Wacha – Bit surprised by how late Wacha was drafted this year, or not at all. When he was pitching healthy, if you can remember back that far, he was good. Also, Stream-o-Nator likes his first start.
Brandon Finnegan – Here’s what I said the other day, “I’m the first guy to disregard how much players actually know about themselves. I mean, some do, that’s no doubt, but I think a lot of them say they’ve made adjustments and never do. I’m also the first one to disregard post-All Star break numbers, but I’m buying the combination of both for Finnegan. He says he made adjustments and had a 2.93 ERA in the 2nd half last year. That’s good enough for me, I’m buying it and him.” And that’s me quoting me!
Tyler Glasnow – Last starter pickup for this week that also happens to be a Stream-o-Nator approved start. Like when it approves of standing real close to someone at Starbucks to feel a warm body. Stream-o-Nator needs a girlfriend bad.
Hector Neris – I could’ve listed Jeanmar Gomez, and I kinda just did. In some of my leagues, people have even grabbed Joaquin Benoit, but I think Neris is next in the landmark case of sooner vs. later.
Cam Bedrosian – The Sciosciapath says the Angels will use a closer-by-committee, which is the worst hyphenated word since mother-in-law. I don’t fully buy the closer-by-committee here and would just own Bedrosian, and Andrew Bailey only if desperate.
Santiago Casilla – A’s committee is Santiago 1, everyone else zero. If Casilla gets to three before anyone else gets to one, this will be his job to lose, which he will lose at some point, but hopefully not for a while.
Jason Grilli – Is the Jays closer until Osuna returns next week, then Grilli returns to being the setup man. Not to be confused with grilli, lowercase, which is when you add stale bread to chili and form a patty to grill. Okay, I just made that up, but it sounds delicious, right?
Byron Buxton – I hate giving up on players, but ya know what else I hate? When guys seem to have two strikes on them before their at-bat even starts. The other day I watched Buxton swing waist high on a ball in the dirt. Can we have Buxton quickly go over an eye chart? I think he might need glasses. “How many fingers am I holding up?” It’s either two fingers for the peace sign or one for the middle finger. Either answer is acceptable. I’m not dropping Buxton yet, but I’d actively looking to trade him.
Michael Pineda – We fell for the ol’ banana in the ol’ tailpipe, didn’t we? 2nd verse, same as the first. I hate giving up players early, but you know what else I hate? This assFIP.
Xander Bogaerts – Seeing Bogaerts listed as a Sell caused a Son of Sam Horn to throw his computer out the window. And by ‘computer,’ I mean his spiral notebook, and by ‘window’ I mean a window he drew on the basement wall of his mom’s house. “Bogaerts is the best thing since Sammy Adams and Nomah, how dare you? I’d like to see Nancy Kerrigan kick you in the balls.” That’s a Masshole taking real offense at my Sell on Bogaerts. Listen, Bogaerts’ perceived value is way higher than his actual value. His projections are 17/10/.288 from ZiPS and 17/9/.296 from Steamer. The runs and RBIs will be solid, but in most leagues you could find 17/10/.290 by piecing together Brandon Crawford and a hot schmotato. I’m not saying trade Bogaerts for a Blockbuster gift card, but I would explore options.