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Oh no, I feel my alter ego B. Fire coming on for Bryan Reynolds, The Rap:
Fantasy Master Lothario, don’t abbreviate,
Don’t flip giant index cards like INXS that rhyme with hate, procreate or Kate…
& Allie! Like, oh my God, gag me with the spoon,
Valley! That Indian Pirates pitcher’s name wasn’t Rajneeshpuram Commune,
Ma Anand Sheela! With rhymes on both sides of the comma,
Tequila! Pee-Wee Herman knocking bikes over, oh, the trauma,
Center? Nah, Bryan Reynolds is a left fielder on the Pirates who’s been hitting for the last few weeks. There’s a chance he flames out, but Reynolds did have five homers in only 13 games of Triple-A, then was promoted and began to do the exact same thing in the majors. It’s not surprising with the two leagues sharing balls. By the way, this might be the wackiest early storyline. Because Triple-A is using the same balls it doesn’t mean a ton because there are different pitchers in the minors.
Bunch of whiners!
*rubs towel on sweaty forehead* Thank you, thank you. For my next song, we have a special guest…Lastings Milledge! Okay, okay, Lastings, you don’t have to high-five everyone in the audience. Any hoo! Reynolds has been hitting near-.350 across two levels (Triple-A and majors) and has 10 homers in only 54 games. He’s a definite buy. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Jorge Alfaro – Mitch Garver, Josh Phegley, Christian Vazquez. That’s the order. Jorge hits ’em Alllll faaaaaaaar-o; Mitch doesn’t kill anyone’s vibe; grab Phegley and cough up a loogie of stats; Vazquez is a marching onward Christian soldier of stats. Random Commenter, “No love for Pedro Severino?” Screams for five hours, then…I guess he’s okay.
Howie Kendrick – Howie like me now?! “I don’t really know you.” Ah, cool, cool, thanks, Howie, over here deflating me like a far-too-relatistic porcupine balloon animal.
Niko Goodrum – Fun fact! Niko Goodrum is also what Andy Warhol used to call his homemade label for Bacardi.
Luis Urias – I’ve been spending a lot of time with a voodoo priestess, trying to put a hex on Ian Kinsler. So far, it’s been for naught, but as Chandelier Bougie tells me, “You can’t make an omelette without breaking some hex.”
David Bote – As Lonely Island names their fantasy teams, “I’m on a Bote!”
Luis Rengifo – This is funny (not funny). Rengifo has been hitting almost exclusively in the nine hole, has only 83 ABs, and has 15 runs. That would give him roughly 90 runs on the year. That is an insane amount of runs for a nine-hole hitter. Know why he’s doing so well for runs? Maris/Mantle–Excuse me, La Stella/Fletcher.
Renato Nunez – Has been hot for almost a month now, having the most homers in the league since May 15th. Also, if you own Bote, technically, you’re already in a Renato.
Miguel Sano – Be surprised if Sano doesn’t go south at some point, but he still does have 35+ homer power. Will we ever see that power? Your guess = mine.
Kyle Seager – He’s not as good as his brother, Corey, but, for his price, I like Kyle better, i.e., off waivers is a better price than a top five round schmohawk.
Scott Kingery – Just gave you my Scott Kingery fantasy. It was written while holding onto a ladder that a librarian was pushing.
Colin Moran – Mentioned this the other day, but I think Moran could be more…and better than we’ve ever seen from him. And that’s me vaguely paraphrasing me!
Addison Russell – He’s a piece of garbage, but that doesn’t affect whether or not I’d own him, and, since he’s hitting, I would. By the way, I’d have more respect for him if he leaned in. Make your walk-up music, The Beatles, “Run For Your Life” or anything by Eminem about Kim.
Kevin Newman – The Pirates also have a Kevin Kramer in their minor league system. Now they just need a Kevin Elaine and paint the infield to look like a parking lot, so they could get lost in it.
Avisail Garcia – As mentioned recently, Avisail is a top 25 outfielder on the season, according to the Player Rater. That he’s not owned in every league is bizzonkers.
Brian Anderson – I’m partially under the belief that all the Marlins are hot because they ran into some poor pitching, but I’m also under the belief that the entire league is poor pitching and I’m also under the influence. WRITE ALL OF IT! Sorry, I’m angrily transcribing this to my intern.
Garrett Cooper – This is interesting (to me). I like Cooper a lot more than Anderson, but Anderson is owned in nearly 25% of leagues, and Cooper is owned in less than 2% of leagues. Of course, these are ESPN ownership numbers, which are written on a piece of paper that comes out of their copier, and all of their copier paper is run through the machine once while Matthew Berry scans his ass.
Myles Straw – Single-use plastic straws are being outlawed, but single-use Myles Straw are here for speed.
Randal Grichuk – Say what you want, but Grichuk shows great respect for the game of baseball, when, after each home run, he places a cape on the ground first, then lays his bat on top of it.
Jose Leclerc – The Apartheid South Afrikaner, Leclerc, should be closing in Texas as soon as this weekend, if you were to listen to Steve Winwood, but he’s been saying it since Roll With It.
Luke Jackson – With Kimbrel’s signing in Chicago, Jackson gets a bit more rope in Atlanta. Wouldn’t shock me to see the Braves trade for someone in July, but as Sir Alec Guinness said at the River Kwai, “Luke, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”
Ryan Pressly – Been a bit remiss not mentioning Pressly at all this year, his peripherals (0.64 ERA, 10.2 K/9) are so goofy, that they go into an interview for the Goofy job opening at Euro Disney and are instantly hired.
Zac Gallen – His numbers in Triple-A make me think he’s going to win a Cy Young within three years. Not joking. Not sure when he’s being promoted, but it could be any day now, Annie Potts.
Framber Valdez – With Corbin Martin getting expelled after the whole “Corbin Martin graduates” protest outside of his high school, Framber is worth grabbing in every league, but this is more of a Streamonator call for this week. One note of caution, Framber might not be fully stretched out, and Streamonator is dialing you right now because it’s lonely and wants to chat. Don’t answer the phone.
Trevor Cahill – This Streamonator call is a real trust fall. Like the trust fall the Streamonator makes into a pillow fort because it has no one to catch it. So sad!
SELL
Austin Riley – NOOOOOOOOOOO*trailing off*ooooooooooooo…. Those aren’t ellipsis at the end, they are tiny O’s. For those skimming this, Altuve has not been traded to the Orioles, not what I meant by tiny O’s. It is with much regret that I need to inform you that Austin Riley is playing a scooch over his head. For a thorough breakdown of why Austin Riley is overperforming Son did a solid breakdown. Since he wrote that, Riley’s BABIP has dropped nearly sixty points. Dot dot dot. In four days! Not saying I’d trade Austin Riley for a pack of tofu-based frankfurters called Not Dogs, but I would check out our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.
