The fans that arrived early yesterday at Nationals Park were puzzled to find what appeared to be a show on HGTV. The newest Property Brother, Michael Blazek, the Brewers pitcher, opened a box from Ikea, and sat at home plate for six hours during the pregame, assembling something. At one point, he screamed to the heavens about being screwed, but Bryce Harper (3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 26th and 27th homers) realized Blazek wasn’t saying he was screwed, he needed a screw the box was missing. Ryan Zimmerman (2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 21st and 22nd homers) had a fix, they could use Dusty’s toothpicks to hold together Blazek’s contraption. Then Anthony Rendon (2-for-4, 2 runs and his 21st homer) had a brilliant idea. The twine holding together the Nats’ bullpen could be used to hold together Dusty’s toothpicks. Brian Goodwin (3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer) and Wilmer Difo (2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer) were the first ones to the plate to see what Blazek had constructed. It was a bit shoddy in places, but it was holding up. Pulling back, we reveal that Blazek had built a baseball tee to place all his pitches on. All of these guys are either owned or are Wilmer Difo, with the exception of Brian Goodwin. He has three homers since the All-Star break, and has been cemented in the leadoff spot (for reasons only Dusty can explain). Won’t help you on average, but has a solid base of speed and power that could help in deeper leagues while he’s leading off, and especially when hitting off a tee. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Lewis Brinson – 1-for-3, and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in the last two days. I’m guessing he’s about six hours away from being announced as the new Brewers’ leadoff man. He’s also about four hours from being in my afternoon Buy column. Times are subject to change depending on when you read this.
Dan Jennings – 0 IP, 1 ER, as he was traded to the Rays. Wow, the White Sox really want Tyler Clippard to be the closer. I guess Rick Renteria could also go to Jake Petricka. Though, best thing Petricka has ever done is glasnost.
Lucas Duda – Rays also acquired this piece of Duda. People get euphoric when a player is traded, like suddenly they’re good. I hate to be a buzzkill, but Duda’s garbage. They can’t possibly play him against lefties, and would be fools to with Trevor Plouffe, Tim Beckham and others that could slide in vs. lefties. Though, since Plouffe is french for the sound poop makes when it hits toilet water, the thought of him platooning with Duda has me giddy. Plouffe goes the Duda-mite!
Chris Archer – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.80. There was a hint of wanting to bench him yesterday in Yankee Stadium, and maybe some of you did, but I feel at a certain level of pitcher, you need to just start them everywhere. For better or worse, until awful xFIP do us part. Archer’s in that class that I’d just start.
Evan Longoria – 2-for-5 and his 16th homer, hitting .275. Not to be a Negative Nelly when someone does something good, but as long as you have less homers as Brett Gardner, you need to sit down.
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-5 and his 19th homer, hitting .304. Someone must’ve heard all the comments recently about dropping Dickerson. See, now ya done got him mad.
Alex Colome – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 5th blown save. Don’t think he’s in real dangerous in losing his job, but the Rays aren’t stocking their middle relief corps for s’s and g’s.
CC Sabathia – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.66 vs. the Rays, who swear to God they are a playoff contender. God bless them, but the Rays don’t really feel like a playoff team, do they? Am I way off here? I mean, CC’s garbage under Al Gore’s seat cushion, so this was no indication. By the way, went to a screening of Al Gore’s Inconvenient Truth sequel last night with a Q&A of Al afterwards. I didn’t get a chance to ask a question, but I had it all lined up, “If there’s global warming, how do you explain Los Angeles being filled with so many snowflakes?”
Gary Sanchez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. I also had another question for Al lined up, “I know uneaten food accounts for 75% of greenhouse gases, so have you taken it upon yourself to rid the world of uneaten food by eating it?”
Brett Gardner – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 18th homer, hitting .261. Gardner has 18 homers and the balls aren’t different? That’s the real inconvenient truth, isn’t it, Manfred?!
Robert Stephenson – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 BBs, ERA at 7.86. More like Robert Loses-Control Stephenson! Amiright?! Or am I right-right? Forget it, I need a nap. *three seconds later claps hands* I’m back!
Chris O’Grady – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.68. Down in South Jersey, Rudy’s cursing my name for talking him out of streaming O’Grady. Stream-o-Nator liked it, but O’Grady faced the Reds last time out and looked terrible. Though, this start was at home, and, well, as Forrest Gump said, shizz happens.
Derek Dietrich – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 5 RBIs the previous night, though everyone knocked in runs on Wednesday for the Marlins. Could be a rising schmotato, might be worth a monocle on a cyclops, but I wouldn’t drop anyone too valuable.
Dominic Smith – Could be called up at some point for the Mets to replace the vacated Duda (ewww). Smith looks like a James Loney clone — bleh power, no speed, solid contact skills. I didn’t put Smith in my Buy column, because who knows with the Mets and their call-ups, but grab him in deep leagues if you need batting average.
Chris Flexen – 3 IP, 3 ER in his first major league start. There were some people in the comments talking up this prospect the last few days, and, now I’m thinking Terry Collins might’ve been in the comments the last few days.
Manuel Margot – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but you don’t need to wait for that. Margot and grab him!
Jose Abreu – 2-for-4 and his 17th and 18th homers, hitting .297. After the game, the White Sox said, “We’re not fielding offers on Abreu.” Then Abreu said, “Then why’d I homer twice?” Then the White Sox said, “Because you are committed to helping us rebuild.” Then Abreu said, “I’m sick of comprendo’ing you, I go listen to Tidal.”
Kyle Schwarber – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homers. He’s still hitting .191, but imagine how many home runs he’d have if he played every day and wasn’t demoted earlier this year. Like a trillion! Okay, maybe only a handful more, but still that’s a lot for someone who supposed was struggling. He might actually be undervalued next year.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4 and a slam (24) and legs (6). HR and SB to the Rizzo!
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer, and 3rd homer in the last two games. Just Dong because someone has to!
Zack Godley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.06. I own him in one mixed league, and let me be the first to tell you it hasn’t been as easy as his ERA shows. He’s coming off two straight games of nasty as in bad and bad as in bad and not bad as in good. His peripherals are solid though, and that’s why I’ve been holding him. It’s a 15-team mixed league, for what it’s Werth.
Luke Weaver – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.50. C’mon, give Jack Flaherty a chance!
Trevor Bauer – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.25. No matter what the Stream-o-Nator says, if you trust Bauer in his next start, he will give up at least six earned in four innings. That is my promise to you.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, and third homer this week. Guess he didn’t like me calling him Carlost Season.
J.C. Ramirez – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners (6 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 4.29. Jesus Christ Streamer Ramirez will never be confused with his cousin, Jesus Christ Superstar Ramirez. “My tamales will be te amo of your life! And you will enjoy my Spanglish.” That’s Jesus Christ Superstar Ramirez. Seems like a good guy.
Kendrys Morales – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 19th and 20th homers, and 3rd homer in the past two days. I almost mentioned Morales two days ago, but he was so cold, that I didn’t bother. Now that he has three homers in two days, he’s obviously heated up. Morales of the storys? Yes, that it is. *thinks if that makes sense, decides onto the next blurb*
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-5 and his 10th homer, hitting .242. I told you to avoid drafting him. I told you to sell him about two weeks into the season right before he returned. I told you repeatedly don’t get involved with Donaldson this year. You didn’t listen, did you? Aw, what a shame. I’m going to go onto eBay, bid a penny on the world’s smallest violin, and, if I win it, I will play it just for you!
Marcus Stroman – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, EAR at 3.08. The guy who hit Marcus Stroman the hardest? Of course, Marcus Semien (3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI). Too bad there isn’t a Marcus Strokeman to bridge the gap.
Sean Manaea – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.82. I’ll admit to a blindspot. I keep benching visiting starters in Toronto, and the Blue Jays, well, they’re the Blew Jays, the So-Through Jays, the Blue Days, but they are not good.
Santiago Casilla – A’s said they could replace Casilla at closer. With who? Blake Treinen (1 1/3 IP, 1 ER) who promptly blew yesterday’s save? Yeah, he’s garbage. The most revealing thing about this announcement by the A’s is they said they could replace Casilla rather than their usual move of trading him to another team. “How much to give us Casilla?” asks Dusty Baker while GM Mime Rizzo stands next to him waving his hands, pointing to the Mercury News headline, ‘Casilla To Be Replaced.’ Dusty lowers the phone, “Not right now. I’m trying to trade for Casilla.” GM Mime Rizzo builds box around himself and cries. Aw, sad Mime Rizzo.