Starling Marte hit the DL with an oblique injury, which apparently opened up space for Austin Meadows to be called up. Okay, I wanna be happy. I do. C**nt Hurdle seemed to do the right thing, Spike Lee. However, I wanna mitch and boan about one thing. The Pirates had to trade for Corey Dickerson to clog the outfield? Dickerson screams DH. Literally, he wakes at night screaming, “DH!” He has David Ortourettiz’s. Marte has already said he doesn’t think he’ll be out more than a week or two, so where’s Meadows going? Back to the minors? The Pirates have been doing The Running Man in place for years now, maybe you call up your 1st round pick who has 1,626 minor league at-bats! Here’s what Prospector Ralph said in his top 100 fantasy baseball prospects, “The skills put him in the top three entering last season, but a injury riddled season, including his third consecutive year with a hamstring injury have me doubting the upside I once dreamed on. Meadows at his best combines plus hitting, running, and plate discipline with untapped raw power. There’s still superstar upside here. Speaking of which, I’d love to hit Grey upside his head.” What the hey! He looks like a 10/20/.280 guy to me, assuming he stays up, but assuming makes an ass out of the U. of Ming. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Travis Jankowski – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .360 and leadoff. He will appear briefly in this afternoon’s Buy column. Actually, the amount of time he appears has more to do with your reading comprehension.
David Price – 9 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners (0 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 4.38. This start actually did David Price a disservice. Now we know if he wants to, he can turn it on. That means all that other garbage he’s been spewing like a septic tank filled with Mentos and Pepsi, all of that wasn’t really what he’s capable of and don’t end a sentence with of — dah! Price’s game is still not right, when looking at his peripherals, and I don’t mean his Fortnite game.
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Xander, you do not have permission to do a fly past the Launch Angle Tower. I repeat, you do not have permission! God damn it, Xander!
Mookie Betts – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 steals (9, 10, 11), hitting .364. In all seriousness, I just want to say it’s been an absolute pleasure owning Betts, and I hope he gets to his 50/40 season he’s on pace for. He doesn’t even need to get to his 150 runs he’s on pace for, I’d take 130!
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .344. Just Dong, because what else is he going to do with a name like that?
Kevin Gausman – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.88. If you started Gausman in Fenway, I have a bridge in Nova Scotia made of smoked salmon to sell you.
Mike Soroka – Hit the DL with a shoulder strain. What a jizzoke. Obviously the Braves just want to limit Soroka’s innings so they threw him on the DL for a few. Not sure why MLB doesn’t do something to curb fake injuries. Not even sure how they would monitor injuries. Have a league physician overseer? This sounds like it’s bordering on Nazi Germany. They reenacting Marathon Man? They also burning books? Do we find out the truth about German Marquez? I have questions, y’all!
Dansby Swanson – Could return today from Low-A Rome. Not saying he definitely won’t, but if he’s coming back from Rome he needs a day of travel.
Matt Wieters – Underwent surgery on his hamstring and is out for a while. Hang a Gone Fishin’ sign from his nose.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer. Can Hoskins accidentally use one of Santana’s bats? Please.
Vince Velasquez – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.37 vs. Luke Weaver – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.37. Elias Sports Bureau said the last time two pitchers faced each other and left the game with the same ERA was the day Marcy, in Accounting, filed a sexual harassment claim after John from Stats entered his expense report with all $69.69’s. As for these two pitchers, it’s pretty perfect they faced each other and they both have the same ERA, because they are also similar in that no one knows what they’re going to do from start to start. For what it’s worth, the Stream-o-Nator loves both of their next starts.
Keynan Middleton – Headed for Tommy John surgery, and Dr. James Andrews is headed to Aspen to buy a mountain. Everyone’s happy! Except Middleton. There’s still as much clarity on the Angels’ bullpen as on Kanye’s mental health — Justin Anderson, Blake Parker, Cam Bedrosian or Troy Percival. Your guess = my guess.
Tyler Skaggs – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.88. The Stream-o-Nator loves Anaheim Streamrollers (which is why I picked up Tropeano for today too), but Skaggs’ peripherals (9.5 K/9, 2.9 BB/9, 3.48 xFIP) are telling the story that he should just be owned.
C.J. Cron – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (11) and improbable legs (1), hitting .293. Of course, he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy, but you really don’t need to wait for that.
Chris Archer – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 5.01. Someone taught Archer the facts of life, because four walks with five Ks is really taking the good with the bad.
Ryan Braun – Hit the DL with mid-back tightness. He said, “At first I thought it wasn’t my back that felt tight, it was this rad, tight Affliction t-shirt I was wearing, but then I took it off, and underneath I had another rad, tight Affliction t-shirt, so I thought maybe the pain was from wearing two rad, tight Affliction t-shirts, so I took off the 2nd one to find yet another rad, tight Affliction t-shirt. After taking off, like, eight rad, tight Affliction t-shirts my back still bothered me. And now my arms hurt from carrying around all these totally rad shirts.”
Cole Hamels – Scratched with neck stiffness, and might hit the DL. If your season is riding on this news, you should’ve drafted better.
Doug Fister – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.43 vs. James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.88. Fister/Shields sounds like the working title of Judge Dredd.
Nate Jones – 1 IP, 0 ER, and the save. And he’s the closer again. If crap teams can’t even pick a closer, what good are they? Nothing, I say! As I burp and reminiscent of the days Franklyn German saved five games to lead the 2003 Tigers who lost 119 games.
Carlos Rodon – Will begin rehab at Low-A Kannapolis. It’s exactly 11 miles from Annapolis, between Jannapolis and Lannapolis.
Khris Davis – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .233. I’m not saying he’s a top 20 hitter overall, due to the average, but Khris Davis gets no respect. He’s about as much a lock for 40 homers as anyone.
Matt Olson – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 3rd homer in the last four games. Also, in this game, Matt Chapman (3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 8th homer. It was almost like someone turned the light on for the A’s so Olson and Chapman could see the “Welcome Matts.”
Curtis Granderson – 0-for-2, 1 run, 3 BBs. His OBP is .440. His walk/PA in last 30 days is over 25%. His walk OBP better than Desmond’s OBP. Cust kayin’.
Dee Gordon – 0-for-4. Mariners said his move back to 2nd base would be imminent. That made me laugh. They’re literally the last people to figure out that makes the most sense. Yesterday, for more hilarity, they hit Gordon DH. Like if they let him play one more game in the outfield, he’d get too confused.
Brandon Belt – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 4th homer in as many games. You think I’m kidding when I say he homers in a bunch of games in a row and then disappears. He now has ten homers, and he’s hit them in four straight and four straight at different points in the season. And the other time he homered in four straight, he hit a fifth in six games. Then disappeared for three weeks.
Caleb Smith – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.22. Cardi B had a better week than Cale B, and she got dragged by Azealia Banks! Think the shine might’ve wore off Cale B, but it depends what else is on waivers for you.
Kenta Maeda – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.89. Know how bad things have been for the Dodgers? Audience refrain, “How bad are they?!” They’re so bad a great start against an absolute awful team is being touted as some kind of turn around of the Dodgers’ fortunes. Martin Prado led off for the Marlins and Brian Anderson hit cleanup! The Dodgers should’ve swept this team, not take one of three.
Justin Turner – 3-for-4, 1 run, 5 RBIs, hitting .462 (in like 3 games). The Gingerbeard Man has returneth!
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, and 3rd homer this week. I get it, he started slow. Hey, it wasn’t great. It put the Dodgers in a big hole. It sucks. We all feel your pain, Dave Roberts. BUT MOVE PUIG OUT OF THE GODDAMN EIGHT HOLE! Dave Roberts’ tenure on the Dodgers feels like Billy Martin after one of those World Series years. I.e. Dave Roberts should be replaced by Bob Lemon by now!