There’s nothing he can do that can’t be done. Gets on base, multi-hit games and hits home runs. There’s nothing you can say he just knows how to play the game. It’s easy. The Cuban rookie Aledmys Diaz continued his hot start going 2-for-5, with his second home run of the season and for your sake and mine I hope you read those first few sentences in your best Paul McCartney accent. Honestly, everything sounds better in a Beatles accent. Try it! But enough about old rock and/or roll bands no one has ever heard of, Aledmys Diaz is 11-for-27 (.407 AVG) through his first eight games, 5 extra base hits, 8 RBI and 8 runs scored. Al–can I call you Al? No? Aledmys “Don’t Call Me Al” Diaz has also hit safely in all but one game he’s played in. Can I tell you if Diaz is going to be a star (ha-cha-cha!)? No, not exactly. But he’s got a quick bat with good plate discipline and the Cards have invested enough money in the Cuban rookie that he will likely get a chance to show what he can do. Grey told you to BUY and now I’m telling you. Don’t make this more complicated than it has to be, we’re only trying to help.
Here’s what else I saw Friday night in fantasy baseball:
Matt Holliday – 2-for-2, 2 HR (2), 4 RBI. Holliday has been going through extensive auditing sessions with my friends and I at the Church of Scientology and the more clearer he goes the better he hits. It’s about being your best self, you guys! A great and powerful thetan has attached itself to Holliday’s soul, and as long as it stays happy, I could see a big comeback year for Holliday. Praise Xenu! Praise Tom Cruise! Praise Holliday’s soul thetan!
Randal Grichuk – 1-for-4, HR (2). The Birds hit six home runs in this game, so yeah, obviously Grichuk got in on the action.
Carlos Martinez – 7.0 IP, 6 hits, 3 ER, BB, 6 K, 2-0. I owned C-Mart on all my teams last year, I’m not sure why I don’t this year. Something about the sophomores I like! Not too young but just young enough where you can still take advantage, ifyouknowwhatImean. Wink wink, nudge nudge. OK, now I sound like creep.
Chad Bettis – 6.0 IP, 3 hits, 0 ER, 3 BB, 4 K, 2-0. After getting rocked by ‘Zona in his first start, Chad has owned in his past two turns, and he shut out the Mighty Cubs through six innings yesterday. He might be worth streaming next week in Cincinnati, but I wouldn’t invest too much in any pitcher who calls Colorado his home. And that’s because I think they’re all no-good, pot-smoking, hippy, Bernie Sanders socialists. Go back to Scandinavia, you commie!
Gerardo Parra – 2-for-5, run, RBI, SB (2). The Parra Professional is now 7-for-17 in his past four games with a homer and a stolen base. As long as Charlie Blackmon is on the DL, Rihanna says Parra should get plenty of opportunity to shine bright like a diamond. Did I mention Rihanna is the celebrity I think I’m most likely to get it on with in the future. Not so much because of how awesome I am but more due to the fact that I think she will bang anyone. Why not me, Riri? I love you ve much. Work work work work work…Oh and Parra. Did I mention he plays his home games at Coors field.
Chris Sale – 9.0 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER, 9 K, 3-0. Blame it on the fastball speeed, baaaabeeeee! SALE! He sure looks like he could win a Cy Young award this year. Just sayin’.
Jake Odorizzi – 7.0 IP, 4 hits, 0 ER, BB, 6 K. OK, so here’s the plan. Odorizzi gets the Red Sox at Fenway next time out, and fingers crossed he gets lit up AF so I can trade for him immediately afterwards.
Rick Porcello – 6.1 IP, 2 hits, 3 ER, BB, 8 K. Oh, hey. Well, that was certainly unexpected. I’m having a hard time figuring out who my least favorite Red Sox starter is, and Slick Rick is making a strong case for fourth least favorite. I trust Porcello about as much as I trust Petyr Baelish, but this was the B-Jays, so I could see riding this into his next start versus Tampa Bay.
Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-4, 2 HR (2), 3 RBI. Edwin likes to hit home runs. Now I remember. E5 is back! What a time to be alive! Time to live life to the fullest. I’m going to go binge watch Kimmie Schmidt.
Travis Shaw – 1-for-2, 2 RBI. With Pablo Sandoval headed to the DL for fat, and possibly headed to Dr. James Andrews for very, very bad news, it looks like third base is all Travis Shaw’s to lose.
Christian Vazquez – 2-for-4, 2 run. Christian’s first game back after returning from Tommy John surgery. Vazquez is very defense, and the pitchers love him. And with his dry cool wit, what’s not to love! Blake Swihart was sent down to AAA to play some outfield, so if Vazquez can continue to hit he should be Boston’s everyday catcher.
Bryce Harper – 3-for-4, HR (4), 2 RBI. Oh hey, Bryce. Just sayin’ “hey,” no reason to call the police. If you would drop that silly restraining order against me I would hug you so hard right now. And never let go…
Michael Taylor – 2-for-6, HR (1). Ben Revere is on the DL, and although Taylor hasn’t exactly lit the world on fire, he has a homer and 2 stolen bases in eight games and is leading off for one of the best team’s in baseball. Go to your computer machine and navigate to the world wide web and pick him up while he’s hot.
Joe Ross – 7.2 IP, 3 hits, 0 ER, 2 BB, 5 K, 2-0. JB’s boyfriend has looked dominant in the early going and lowered his ERA to 0.61 through 14.2 IP. There’s no reason he shouldn’t be owned everywhere at this point. Sure, he’s played some weaker offenses in Miami and Philly, but I’ll call a spade a spade (is that racist?), and Ross is most definitely not a spade. New slang time! (for the kids) Joe Ross is “goals AF,” that means people want to be like him. People like me.
Chris Iannetta – 3-for-3, HR (2), 3 RBI. Chris is hitting .320 with 2 homers. What is your catcher doing?
Jonathan Villar – 3-for-6, 2 runs, RBI, SB (1). Villar has got some serious speed if he can get on base, and if he continues to bat at the top of that Brewers line up he could flash some real value. His .438 OBP suggests he may very well be able to do this.
Ryan Braun – 3-for-5, 2 HR (3), 4 RBI. Just continue to doubt him. It only makes him stronger. That and PEDs for elevated testosterone.
Michael Conforto – 2-for-5, 2 run, HR (1). Conforto bat third in this one and it paid off for the Mets. The trendiest sleeper pick in drafts is much excitement indeed. Conforto is the hipsters’ favorite fantasy player, you pleb. Don’t you know anything? *Sips cold brew coffee, adjust horn rimmed glasses, strokes beard* Sigh. You’ve probably never heard of him.
Yoenis Cespedes – 3-for-5, HR (2). Remember when he was everyone’s favorite Met just a few months ago? Yoenis remembers, but he’s wondering why no one else does.
Dallas Keuchel – 8.0 IP, 5 hits, 0 ER, BB, 4 K, 2-1. And that’s….Dallas.
Albert Pujols – 2-for-3, HR (1). After a rough start, Alby has hit safely in his past five games and added his first jack of the season last night. Hooray! Best friends again!
Kevin Jepsen – 1.0 IP, BB, K, SV (1). The Twinkies first win of the year came with Jepsen’s first save opportunity and conversion. As long as Glen Perkins is on the DL, Jepsen should be owned. Grey told you to BUY. Don’t make me beg you.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 2 HR (5), 5 RBI. Trumbo hit both home runs in the 7th inning because he’s chill like that, and I think it’s pretty clear at this point that he’s in for a big season. *Sad trumboooone* That’s the sound of me not owning Mark Trumbo anywhere.
Jonathan Schoop – 3-for-4, 2 HR (3), 3 RBI. You need to Schoop up Jonathan before someone else does because he is hitting all the baseballs. Grey ordered you to BUY. Seriously like, pick him up yesterday. See what I did there?
Joey Rickard – 2-for-5, run. Another BUY. Basically, if they are on the Orioles you should possibly start to thinking about the possibility of considering picking them up and owning them. Rickard is leading off for the best team in baseball right now. Do it!
Rich Hill – 4.1 IP, 9 hits, 3 ER, 3 BB, 6 K. Yeah, now that’s more like it.
Sean Doolittle – 0.2 IP, HR, K. Bad bullpen is bad. Ryan Madson and John Axford should both be owned at this point, but I can’t promise you’re going to like owning any of them.
Jake Lamb – 2-for-3, R, SB (1). Grey told me to baaa baaa BUY this black sheep, so I went to pick up Jake Lamb last night but then I started watching Making a Murderer on netflix. 12 hours later, I had filled two whites boards and written conspiracy theories all over the walls of my apartment, but luckily, Jake Lamb was still unowned. Steven Avery may be a baaaaaad man, but he’s innocent I tells you! Well, sort of, it’s kind of complicated. How much time do you have? None? Well if you can spare a second, pick up Jake Lamb. Ewe know ewe want to.
Enrique Hernandez – 3-for-5, 2 HR, 4 RBI. With the injuries to Andre Ethier and Carl Crawford, Enrique should get plenty of playing time, and the fact that he led off again yesterday has certainly raised my eyebrow, although that may just be the botox. Hernandez is batting .440 with 2 homers and 7 RBI, and has been especially effective out of the lead off spot. Fantasy Pro Tip* That will help your fantasy team!
Madison Bumgarner – 5.0 IP, 8 hits, 4 ER, BB, 7 K. Ugh. I haven’t seen a bum that mad since I sniffed bath salts in an alley in Atlanta and I had to fight off Walkers to keep my unborn daughter safe, even though she may or may not belong to the crazy guy who touches his head too much. Wait–did that actually happen? How many people did I kill? Where’s my baby? And how did I get so skilled with a samurai sword? Cooooral!?
Thanks for reading! Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below. Join us next Saturday for another Friday recap as fantasy baseball continues next week, all week long!
