The worst name for a Mexican restaurant is also now the Mets closer. No, not Jose Valverde, but his nickname: Poopie Grande. At Poopie Grande, the meal is solid, but the check comes and immediately the runs. You take off to the bathroom, shouting for your loved one to just pay the bill, then, when you return, you realize you were charged for five earned runs in a third of an inning. Poopie Grande, where you get heartburn and anal seizures simultaneously. So, Bobby Parnell has a partial tear of his right elbow, which is code for ‘he ain’t returning any time soon.’ Seriously, how is it possible that the closepocalypse lay dormant for the entire spring then slams the coast without warning? I’d lose Parnell if I didn’t have DL room and would grab Valverde everywhere and disinfectant. Your team could need it. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Wilmer Flores – Was called up to replace Daniel Murphy while he’s Lamaze’ing with his wife. “That’s it, baby, just stay calm and breathe.” “How can I stay calm when I’m giving birth to a child and you told me to draft Parnell?!”
Kyle Farnsworth – Recalled by the Mets. He’ll setup Valverde as they regale each other about when they were good in 2005.
Wilson Ramos – Will miss two months with hamate bone surgery. He supposedly hurt his hand in the final week of Spring Training. Too bad no one told us, so I didn’t have to draft him! To answer the March 2015 Commenter, you can draft Ramos, but he won’t stay healthy.
Drew Stubbs – 0-for-5 as he started in center field, a day after Charlie Blackmon started there. Meanwhile, Corey Dickerson answers emails from irate fantasy owners.
Nate Eovaldi – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Eovaldi? Now that’s Italian! Nice start, but was in Crayola Canyon against a notoriously weak road team (Rockies). I liked Eovaldi in the preseason and he gets the Padres next at home. Stream-o-Nator is meh on it, but I’d give it a shot in some leagues.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-3. Early Grey crush alert! His hit was simply an infield single, but it was roped, which comes a day after his home run. I’m watching him like a cyclops with a monocle for a breakout.
Jim Henderson – Ron Roenicke said that they want Henderson as the closer. Well, I picked up K-Rod and I don’t want Henderson as the closer, so do I have a say in this? The Brewers will probably give Henderson a few appearances in the next week or so to see how he pitches. If he does well, he’ll be the closer again. If he does poorly, he’ll be put on the Disgraceful List. That’s the black and white of it from Grey.
Kyle Lohse – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. Just know if you own him, in every start he has he gets the malocchio from me.
Carlos Gomez – 1-for-2, 2 runs and the season’s first slam & legs. Trademark pending for Mike Trout.
Gavin Floyd – Will make his first rehab start on Thursday. That’s first one of this year. Obvi.
Mike Minor – Will make his first rehab start on Thursday. Jinx, buy Gavin Floyd a Coke!
Ervin Santana – His assistants contacted the Braves and said Ervin can return on April 9th. The Braves are just gonna have to deal with it; Ervin doesn’t go anywhere without his aides.
Jason Heyward – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his first home run. I hate to do this after seeing him in only three at-bats, but whatever was bothering him last year, seems like it’s fixed. His home run blast looked like the Heyward of 2012 when he was a top five outfielder.
Freddie Freeman – 3-for-3 and two solo homers. You ever wonder if Freeman ever talked to Charlie Blackmon in the offseason about doing a poor taste stage adaptation of 12 Years a Slave? Nah, prolly not.
Alex Wood – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Looked nervous in the early going, but beared down — or bared down if there’s naturists reading — and finished strong. I do like that Wood (I’m not still talking to the naturists).
B.J. Upton – 0-for-4 with 2 Ks. I wonder how long he stays in the two hole, because he still looks lost. He looks almost as bad as Yahoo’s redesign. A black background? Really?
Craig Kimbrel – With The Kimbrel.
Yu Darvish – Threw 86 pitches yesterday in a bullpen session. That’s an odd number to stop on. Did the Rangers hire Antonio Alfonseca to count pitches?
Martin Perez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, but only threw 83 pitches since it was his first of the year and Alfonseca didn’t want to take off his socks.
A.J. Burnett – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. Solid first start from a guy that’s retired more times than Jay-Z. I have a feeling Burnett’s not going to be owned in many mixed leagues because of no upside, but could have a safe, productive year. Safe and productive, now there’s some fun!
CC Sabathia – 6 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Astros. Fresh off his win of The Biggest Loser, he made those that ‘lucked’ into getting him late in drafts look like just that.
L.J. Hoes – 1-for-2 and a home run. There’s a change of pace. Hoes making it rain.
Chad Qualls – Was used in the 8th inning with a six-run lead. Now you have to ask yourself if this means A) Qualls is not the closer. B) You care. C) There’s no C.
Scott Feldman – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. This blurb doesn’t exist, i.e., there’s nothing to see here.
Jose Reyes – MRI showed mild inflammation of his hamstring. I consider this worse news. If it was something serious, at least it would be understandable why he hasn’t been able to play. He can’t play and it’s only mild inflammation? What happens if it gets worse? Is he gonna miss the season? The Jays compared the mild inflammation to the same problem Reyes had in 2011 when he missed a month. SAT Question Alert! Hangnail is to Reyes as what is to Superman? No, not Jimmy Olsen. Kryptonite!
Adam Lind – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st home run. Looks like he’s going to be on the strong side of the platoon and definitely worth a look in daily leagues. Could be a poor man’s Brandon Moss. I will call him Brandon Chia.
Drew Hutchison – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (3 BBs) 4 Ks. Looked solid from what I saw if a bit all over the map on occasion. I’d ease into him in mixed leagues, but the Stream-o-Nator does give his next start a slight thumbs up. Let’s say two and a half stars, but not a laugh riot.
Jonathan Diaz – 1-for-3, 1 RBI and a steal as he filled in for Reyes. He’s never really showed blazing speed in the minors, and he’s had ample opportunity to show it (bouncing around for 7 years). Of course, that also might make him desperate for a chance to show what he can do in the majors. Jonathan Diaz: My Steals Reek Of Desperation. In AL-Only leagues, I’m sure you can do worse.
Alex Cobb – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. Burp. On the expository tip, not a great start, but it’s one start, let’s not set fire to my avatar just yet.
Matt Joyce – 2-for-3 and 4 for his first 5 as he hit leadoff. Could we have our first hot schmotato?
C.J. Wilson – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Dah! I only owned him for his matchups this week. You’re dead to me, C.J. Like your flaky scalp.
Brad Miller – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his first and second home runs. It’s Miller time, and I’m living the high life!
Justin Smoak – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs. Have you picked him up yet? No? Aw, you’re slow. It’s cute.
Erasmo Ramirez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. So far how does the pitching staff of Alex Wood, Erasmo and Teheran look compared to, say, Kershaw, Darvish and Cliff Lee? Asking for a friend.
Brandon Belt – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 home runs in two games. No one tell Belt that Spring Training’s over.
Chris Owings – 2-for-4, 1 run and a steal. Gregorious D.I.D. is dead.
Seth Smith – 2-for-3 and his 2nd home run in as many games. I wath thithclothe to picking him up.
Clayton Kershaw – Sounds like he could be out for at least a month. He will be placed on a submaximal throwing program for the next 2-3 weeks before being reevaluated again. That’s better than the subliminal throwing program where you listen to songs with hidden ‘fastball’ and ‘slider’ utterances.
Matt Kemp – Might return on Friday. Girls on Twitter, prepare your hashtags.
Zack Greinke – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks in Petco. This felt like his last spring training start, and not just because it wasn’t in Los Angeles yet there were more Dodger fans in the crowd than the home team.
Brian Wilson – To the DL with an elbow injury. I smell a conspiracy theory relating his demise to the store, The Art of Shaving.
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his first home run. Said like radio call letters: P.W.E.E.G., the sound of Puig!
