Ashcraft Special Effects The Marlins By Flashing His CG Eyes

Yesterday, Braxton Ashcraft went 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks in 85 pitches, ERA at 3.88. 64 of those 85 pitches were for strikes. From what I’m reading, he made some records. He was the first pitcher with 85 or fewer pitches to go nine innings and get 10 or more strikeouts. That’s insane, and he was one of five great starts in a short schedule day. I could’ve made the lede about Cade Cavalli, Logan Gilbert, Payton Tolle or Aaron Nola–Okay, just making sure you were paying attention. I hate Nola so much Cougs is like, “You wanna go to New Orleans?” And I’m like, “Eff that ho!” And she’s like, “Why are you like this?” And I’m like, “I don’t know, a call for help?” Ashcraft’s struggled in the 2nd half — 7.58 ERA prior to yesterday. If you moved on, I don’t blame you. Surface numbers aside, he continued to be one of the best pitchers pound-for-pound in baseball. I know, you’re like, “Bro, surface numbers are what these em-effers are counting in my league. Ya know, like ERA and WHIP.” I get it. There’s a case to be made that he’s a top ten starter. I won’t make the case because the ERA is a bit of a mess, but his 9.9 K/9, 2.1 BB/9 and 3.14 xFIP are stunningly good. If Ashcraft is going in 2027 drafts at 100 overall, I’m going at 99. If his ADP is 75, I’m 74, snitches! If he’s going at 50, I’m, well, I might wait to see if I can get him in the next round or so. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Rafael Flores Jr. – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer. I’m at my neighbor’s house and he’s 1/18th Comanche. I’m asking him to put his ear to the ground to see if he can hear the one person in North America who rostered Flores for yesterday’s game. It’s faint, but he can hear them. They’re in Staten Island. Wait, he has more. They drive a Corvette? Yeah, no kidding, you said they’re in Staten Island.

Jared Triolo – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Also, in this game Jacob Gonzales (1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 6th homer. None of these guys are going to be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because dur. I have to say this is the most Ticker Shock of a game I’ve ever seen in some time. Brandon Lowe and Bryan Reynolds went 1-for-10 and the Pirates scored 13 almost entirely from the most random players.

Tyler Phillips – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.65. Looking more and more like the pitcher who is not very good. Someone tell his sisters, Wilson Phillips, to shut the hell up about holding onto him.

Owen Caissie – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, hitting .229. Nearly grabbed him off waivers for the batty call but I went with the rookie nookie of Angel Genao. Just doing ding dong shizz.

Garrett Whitlock – Hit the IL with elbow inflammation. Nonnas in the North End of Boston say that’s notta-so-good.

Payton Tolle – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.97. Not a bad rookie year. One could argue (I’m not arguing, I’m a lover) that the less bullets a pitcher throws, the better on his arm. Payton your dues, but not at the cost of the Tolle. Score two pithy points for me!

Caleb Durbin – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 12th homer, a grand slam. He had a nice July, and an excellent June and an okay August so far. That’s Durbin’s…[announcer voice] Some months in review!

Logan Gilbert – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.28. Because we love a good cherrypicking, if you take out his March and one terrible start in May, Gilbert’s ERA would be 2.60 in 128 IP.

Colt Emerson – Optioned to the minors. Billy Dee Williams is even like, “That Colt sucks.”

Weston Wilson – 1-for-2 and a slam (4) and legs (5). Back over at my neighbor’s house…No way! Damn, same Staten Island person had Wilson. Is it a guy? They have a mustache? Hmm, so you can’t tell their sex by listening.

Max Fried – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.81. I just realized something, Fried is a HOFer. I mean, he might not be, but he should be. He has a 3.02 ERA in 1166 IP, and they really need to change the qualifications to get in the Hall for starters since no one throws 170 IP in a season anymore.

Abimelec Ortiz – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer and that’s in 11 games. Clearly, a hot schmotato. Watch his platoons though. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s got to be now that I said it.

Cade Cavalli – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.36. I used to have a theory that get-away day (Thursday) was the best day to start pitchers, and I’m merely remembering that because of Confirmation Bias, but, damn, what a day for starters. As for Cade, for the last month: 2.25 ERA, 0.95 WHIP, five wins, 46 Ks in 44 IP.

Kevin Gausman – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.53. On the bright side, at least he wasn’t pitching poorly just to get off the Jays, right? [dodges tomato] What?

Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-3, hitting .248 Rumors are swirling he might start sitting vs. righties for Tommy Edman. That’s the world’s longest woof.

Roki Sasaki – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 4.46. Five walks to two strikeouts? Someone is ready to be moved to the bullpen and replaced by Glasnow.

Max Muncy – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Max is the Munciest!

Edwin Diaz – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 11.57. I like how they keep rolling him out there. I don’t have him. Keep it going! Cool stuff! Wait, I do have Tanner Scott. Hmm, don’t keep rolling Edwin out there! Change to Tanner Scott!

Shane Drohan – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 3 hits, 3 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.94. Too bad it wasn’t 3 Ks, Ippei would’ve made a fortune in federal prison. Foiled again!

Walbert Urena – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.67. The firing of Mike Maddux apparently didn’t bother Walbert. I thought it might, to be honest. Angels’ pitching coach Mike Maddux was fired, by the way. In true Angels fashion, they said (this is true), Maddux wasn’t using the technology given to him, so he was let go. So, the Angels’ hitting coach is using the technology, and the result is a bottom five offense, but, because he’s using the gadgets, he’s good? Angels, you are funny!

Jacob deGrom – 2 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.95, and left the game with triceps fatigue. Alas, of course. He’s discussed below in the Greene blurb.

Hunter Greene – Had his second Tommy John surgery, and has a 12 to 18 month rehab in front of him. Just brutal news. We’ll never see him as we once did. Might have moments after this, but the list of pitchers who have had two Tommy John surgeries and have returned to be great is a bare cupboard. DeGrom tried, and you see where that is. Drew Rasmussen, Shane McClanahan and Eovaldi did it, and. Dot dot dot. I don’t know, Dustin May? Is this a success? Ohtani had some sorta surgery twice, but his team said it was not a second Tommy John. Also, all these guys are hanging on by a thread, and I wouldn’t bank on 150+ IP from any of them ever again. Just shows you how short the lifespan is for pitchers. Enjoy Misiorowski now.

Emilio Pagan – Said to be dealing with hand soreness. He’s having it looked at by a doctor today. Hopefully the doctor doesn’t confuse him with his teammate, Pierce Johnson. There’s no one really to replace Pagan; we went through this when he was out earlier. Guess you can try Tejay Antone or Brock Burke, that order.

Andrew Abbott – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.13. As a later-in-life Costello would say, hey, Abbott, you suck!

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer, and four homers in the last week. He has forty-something games left. If he hits two homers in each of those, then [doing math in head] he could hit 100 homers this year. That would be a record!

Tyler Stephenson – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .252. He’s up to hitting cleanup! (That exclamation might imply Tyler’s been great. No, he hasn’t. Actually, behind him in the Reds’ lineup is an array of garbage and Tyler is the cream of the crap.)

Sal Stewart – 2-for-3, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .259. Building off what I was saying in the Tyler Stephenson blurb, Reds actually have only one solid hitter right now. Sadly, I’m not talking about Elly. If I’m talking about the 2nd half of seasons, he’s been fine-ish, not awful, but his career in the 2nd half is James Woodish. Call him Elly Wood-Paneling.

Davis Martin – 2 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.32, and ejected because of the Ump Show. He’s now thrown 58 pitches in his last two starts (rain delay forced him out last time). Yesterday’s fiasco went: He seemed to lose control of a pitch near Sal Stewart’s head and said, “My bad,” which Sal acknowledged, then got tossed after throwing another one near his head. Zero warning, just punched out like Soda Popinski.

Parker Messick – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.59. What if I told you he has 182 career innings with a 2.62 ERA? Would you believe me? Think very carefully about how you answer that. My feelings are on the line.

Eduardo Valencia – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, hitting .386. And replaced for the pinch-hitter Colt Keith. Make it make sense! He was at DH, so it’s not like they needed better defense out there. Platoons that make sense, that’s all I ask. Won’t someone hear my calls for common sense? Yes, I’ll hold! Sorry, I’m calling the Tigers and doing speech-to-text. Who am I again? This is Alan Trammell!

Keider Montero – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, zero Ks, ERA at 3.22. When they instituted the pitch clock, I invented how to draft pitching: Forget Ks, just go for command. Montero is taking that to its foregone conclusion. He induces a ton of weak contact and has rock-solid command. Call him Eider Montero, because there’s no Ks. Streamonator says he gets the Pirates next and I don’t mind it or him.

Taj Bradley – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.98. Taj Ma-hater-of-Costner-films, apparently. After the repeated success of the Field of Dreams game, MLB should play next year’s Kevin Costner game in the spirit of Waterworld.

Luke Keaschall – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer, hitting .266. Luke should simulate the Field of Dreams experience and have his teammates in every game hold corn cobs up for him to walk through to get onto the field.

Byron Buxton – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I’ve started writing my emails on paper, rolling the paper up, putting the paper in a bottle and putting the bottle in the fountain in the lobby. Anyway, that’s why I have the bottle recycle bin in my cubicle. Leave your email holders here for me.”

Brandon Marsh – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and slam (17) and legs (11), hitting .276. Sorry, in Iowa, it’s Brandon Corn.

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 36th and 37th homer. If Schwarber played all his home games inside an 80’s movie, he’d hit 100 homers a year.

Aaron Nola – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.33. Love this Field of Dreams crap, but they need to take it to the next level and start doing other baseball movies. Do a Moneyball game with the A’s, where they let never sign any free agents and have no pitching ever discussed; a Major League game with the Guardians, where they never sign anyone and seem to be trying to lose; an Eight Men Out game, where a cheap owner cost-cuts so much that it drives players to secretly gamble on the game–Hmm, okay, how about they just do other sports movies? Say a Celtic Pride game, where Dan Aykroyd and Daniel Stern kidnap Vlad Jr. so he’s not playing for my fantasy teams anymore? How about that?