Fenway Park hosted the Washington Nationals for the first time in six years last night, and after being swept in a 3-game series in 2006, Washington was eager to show off their new National Treasures. Those treasures I speak of are, of course, Bryce Harper, Stephen Strasburg and Nicholas Cage. Well, not Nicholas Cage, but Stephen Strasburg showed us even the high-powered offenses of the AL East are no match for his surgically repaired bionic throwing arm. The Stras-borg (like cyborg, right?) gave up just 4 hits in 6.0 innings, and it was almost mechanical the way he sent the Boston Red Sox down swinging with 13 strike outs (*drools). Before the game Strasborg was quoted as saying, “Uploading program, whiff batters. Engage.” He is now 7-1 with a 2.41 ERA and four wins in a row — and he gets the Blue Kays next week. If we download the data/stats from Friday’s game and cross-check that, adjusting variables to his match up versus Toronto, we can assume he will strike out…(/calculating) 29 batters! Well, that can’t be right. I am no scientist, but even an idiot can tell you that Stephen Strasburg is a stud.
Bryce Harper tweaked his back in Thursday’s game. There was some speculation as to whether he would play Friday, but he assured his legion of admirers, “Bad backs are for old people! Bring on the Red Suuuuuux!” And bring it on Bryce did; he collected 3 hits including a 2-run home run and 3 RBIs. Harper now has 7 home runs, and the 3 hits brought his average up to .288. He has been a great source of runs and average, but it’s his flashes of power and speed that are most exciting. He is a fantasy beast in the making, and even though he’s been out-shined a bit by Mike “My Hero” Trout, with Harper it looks like the best is yet to come.
C.J. Wilson – 8.0 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks as he shut down the Rockies. I’ve cemented the official starting pitching staff for my initialed-players team: C.C. Sabathia, C.J. Wilson, R.A. Dickey, A.J. Burnett and J.A. Happ. Wow, that’s a better staff than 90% of the teams in the MLB (*Fantasy Pro tip: draft initialed pitchers)!
Torii Hunter – 3-for-5 with 2 HRs and 6 RBIs. He batted second. Hunter has been awful when he’s played lately but he’s certainly in the right situation to succeed again. See below.
Edinson Volquez – 5.0 IP, 6 ER. You didn’t start a hodgepadre away from Petco did you?
Jed Lowrie – 2-for-4 with his fourth home run in the past 10 games. The man named Jed has had crazy hot spells like this before, but the 10 home runs on the season is certainly a surprise. He continues to bat third for the Astros, and his shortstop/third base eligibility makes him extra valuable, especially when he’s hot.
Ben Revere – 3-for-4 with 2 SBs. Leading off for the Twins, he now has 5 steals in the past 8 games. He’s owned in less than 5% of ESPN leagues. If you need steals, you can ride with Revere (to every Middlesex village and farm)!
Alfonso Soriano – 3-for-5 with 2 HRs. Soriano is hot and he’s probably got another 3-5 home runs in him before you can drop/bench him again.
Jason Heyward – 2-for-5 with a SB. Where have you been for the past month? No, don’t tell me — I’m just glad you’re back?
Ben Zobrist – 2-for4, now has collected hits in back-to-back games! Really, any signs of life are encouraging at this point with BenZo.
Joey Votto – 3-for-5 with his 10th HR and 3 RBIs. The home run tied him with Jed Lowrie and Matt Joyce! No, but seriously, Votto is as hot as anybody right now and extends his hitting streak to 14 games. He is a lot better at baseball than Jed or Matt.
Brennan Boesch – Boesch has been a big disappointment this year, but this game was nice. Boesch owners, celebrate this day!
Neil Walker – 3-for-4 with a stolen base. I knew he was a Walker, I didn’t know he was a runner! Wakka wakka!
Chris Davis – 2-for-4 with a HR, raises his average to .299! I’m sorry, I just…still can’t trust him. I’m not ready yet. He hurt me too bad.
Johan Santana – 5.0 IP, 6 ERs as Johan got roughed up by the Yankees in the Bronx. Someone should look up the numbers for players pitching in games after they pitched a no-hitter. Yeah…someone should really look those up….(/googles cats in sunglasses).
Huroki Kuroda – 7.0 IP, 0 ER, 1 H, 7 Ks. His best start in a Yankee uniform. Kurodaaaaaaayum!
Matt Harrison – 9.0 IP, 4Ks, complete game shut out versus the Giants. That’s his 7th win of the year and 4th win in a row. The Giants offense makes the Rangers offense look like the All Star team, but still another QS start for Harrison.
Josh Hamilton – 1-for-5 with his 22nd home run. Contractual web traffic obligations require I mention Hammys every time he goes deep.
Seth Smith – 3-for-4 with a home run and 2 RBIs from the Lisper’s Nightmare. Is it me or is the word “lisp” a word that would be real difficult for someone with a speech impediment to say? Is it some kind of cruel joke? Speaking of cruel jokes…
Nate Eovaldi – 6.0 IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks. Lowers his ERA to 2.84 but falls to 0-2. I’d like to see more, but I’m watching you, Eovaldi.
Kevin Millwood – 6.0 IP, 6 Ks, 0 H. Millwood has a no-hitter going when he had to exit with a groin injury in the 7th. “Oww, my groin!” You know it must have hurt if he left a no hitter behind. Five additional relievers combined to finish the no-hitter against the Dodgers. I would tell you their names but I already forgot them.