I’m trying an experiment. I’m writing this opening lede before the actual draft. I wish there was some way to timestamp this, but you’ll have to take my word for it. *cracks knuckles* Here we go! Ooh, Tehol grabbed Dominic Brown! Wow, he must be expecting a bounce back, or Dominic Brown is his daddy. Like a teamster painter, I’m leaning on the latter. Damn, Rappin’ Ralph grabbed Benintendi, Manuel Margot, and Roman Quinn? Rookies are his ‘Bud Fox’s Bluestar.’ Oh my God, Rudy grabbed three catchers! (I had an advantage predicting this one, because I knew Rudy was autodrafting due to a family obligation.) Jay grabbed Chase Headley with the 5th round pick and R.A. Dickey in the 7th! In the chatroom, Malamoney asked how many points a home run gets in this league? Yes, of course, he did! JB drafted Joe Ross, then called me on speakerphone from an internet cafe where WHERE ARE YOU NOW?! is playing. MattTruss drafted…Actually I don’t know what Truss will do, which has me worried. Stupid wild cards! And, of course, I drafted Rougned Odor. Boy, that was a fun draft, and Tehol only timed out on his picks three times trying to get his Periscope thing to work. *reading back what I wrote after the draft* Well, I got the Odor part right. Anyway, here’s my thoughts on our RCL draft, it’s a 12-team, mixed league:
C: Austin Hedges (294)
1B: Jose Abreu (30)
2B: Rougned Odor (19)
3B: Nolan Arenado (6)
SS: Orlando Arcia (174)
MI: Raul Mondesi (222)
CI: Anthony Rendon (54)
OF: Andrew Benintendi (67)
OF: Byron Buxton (91)
OF: Marcell Ozuna (126)
OF: Keon Broxton (139)
OF: Delino DeShields (198)
UTIL: David Peralta (270)
P: Corey Kluber (43)
P: Johnny Cueto (78)
P: A.J. Ramos (102)
P: Lance McCullers (115)
P: Tony Watson (150)
P: Blake Treinen (163)
P: Addison Reed (187)
P: Carlos Rodon (211)
P: Arodys Vizcaino (235)
Bench: Mike Foltynewicz (246)
Bench: Ryan Buchter (259)
Bench: Nathan Karns (283)
YOUR OUTFIELD GIVES ME THE FEELS IN THE NETHERS. I THOUGHT THIS SITE WAS TV-14, BUT AFTER SEEING THAT OUTFIELD I’M AFRAID MY WORK IS GOING TO BLOCK THIS SITE LIKE IT BLOCKED THAT SITE WHERE THE JAPANESE MEN SIT ON CAKES.
It’s seriously sexy AF. My outfield makes my outie belly button boing. Wait, that’s not my–Okay, moving on. Let’s just enter this fantasy baseball fantasy with me for a second. Broxton? Well, him alone would arouse the tendrils. Benintendi? Benintendi make me extendi! Buxton? Okay, you’re just typing Broxton’s name again and misspelling it, you say with your doe eyes. I’m not, prematurely balding man! I have him too! OZUNA? OZUNA eats excitement for breakfast and burps up confetti! Then, the pièce de résistance. The coup de grâce. The other faux intelligent-sounding phrase from France! DeShizz! He’s home. In my arms. Knock, knock. Who’s there? The sexy AF outfield!
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. I’M FEELING THIS EXCITEMENT AND I’M GETTING CAUGHT UP IN IT TOO, BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR PITCHING? DIDN’T YOU SAY NOT TO DRAFT TWO FROM THE KLUBER/CUETO TIER?
Observant, Mr. Al Boldencaps! No one wanted starters in this league. It was kinda obscene, and obscene in the good way. Not the way that gets you pleading guilty with time served. Or maybe no one wanted Cueto. Hey, I got no quarrel with him like Jason LaRue. Doode’s a ratio beast in the NL West. If I knew I could get Cueto at 78 overall, I prolly wouldn’t have taken Kluber. But bygones be bygones, as no one says ever. Then. Dot dot dot. McCullers. I just let out a squeal that the neighbors heard. I want McCullers everywhere, but, unfortch, only got him in this league. No fear, Mr. Belvedere, I got him in this league! Then grabbed Rodon, Foltywirewitz and Karns, because I felt like I needed starters. Hey, I like those guys, but in an RCL you hold the backend of your starting staff about as well as you hold a greased pole. For those that found us Googling “greased pole” and “backend staff.” Welcome! We don’t judge here!
YOU HAVE MORE RELIEVERS THAN THE RED SOX (AND BETTER ONES).
I drafted relievers like I was the Yanks and none of my pitchers would go five innings! (Clause 1A of Fantasy Baseball Blog Law states that if you insult or praise the Red Sox, you must follow it with an insult or praise of the Yanks). I don’t particularly love some of my relievers. True story: During the draft, I went to see how well Tony Watson was doing. Not literally flying to see him pitch, I Googled it! Well, he’s been terrible. Then, when it was my turn to draft, I took him anyway. It doesn’t matter. No why? SAGNOF, snitches!
I’M SO PROUD YOU HAVEN’T MENTIONED ODOR YET. IT’S A GROWING EXPERIENCE FOR YOU. OKAY, GIVE ME SOME TEACHABLE MOMENTS!
I hated outfielders from about pick 30 to pick 100. Sure, I took Benintendi and Buxton in that time, but Benintendi was just to piss off Rappin’ Ralph and Buxton was 91st overall, that’s practically after the top 100 (give me that!). I loathed the outfielders from 30 to 100. Then, without even realizing it, I loved outfielders from pick 100 to 200. I was like the teacher from A Christmas Story only I wasn’t making extra plusses, I was making “don’t mind if I do” marks. Are there “don’t mind if I do” marks? Yes, yes there are. I shouldn’t even say the sexy outfielders stop at pick 200, because I got David Peralta at pick 270 overall. Um, huh? What, you people don’t like sexy?
ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE THIS TEAM UNTIL SEPTEMBER WHEN YOU GO TO BURGER KING, BUY A MEAL THAT COMES WITH A CROWN AND DECLARE YOURSELF CHAMP?
No, nope, nuh-uh. Never happens. I kinda drafted Rodon just so I could DL him and free up a spot for myself (completely false; I drafted Rodon because right before me went Robbie Ray and I was about to draft him when Prospector Ralph took him). That’s what you need to do; you need to think about freeing up spots! (I say otherwise, parenthetically speaking.) Last year I believe I made something like 350 moves in this league, so I’m not even sure I’ll have this team by the end of today. You’re on notice, Ryan Buchter. Burn notice!
