Todd Frazier went deep twice yesterday. When asked the other day if Frazier would play, Dusty Baker said, “It could be (Miguel) Cairo. I’ve got an idea what guys’ strengths and weaknesses are… We’ll see. It’s up to Frazier. Okay, who switched out my mint toothpicks with splinters! You know my T-picks kill the skunk breath!” Todd Frazier is a damn fine specimen of underachieving-could-easily-be-achieving-if-he-starts-hitting prospect hitting nom-nom. In the minors last year, he had 15 homers and 17 steals, year before 17/14, year before he helped pen Richard Marx’s foray into romance novels, “Hold Onto The Knights.” What can’t he do!? Not sure if that’s rhetorical, but I’ll answer. I’m not sure he can hit for an average over .240 in the long run. There’s a chance Rolen gets Wally Pipp’d even if he returns healthy and that ‘if’ is the size of Hasselhoff’s ego. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Aroldis Chapman – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks. ERA is at 0.00, WHIP is at 0.57. Dusty Baker said yesterday that the plan is for Aroldis to start someday. That reminds me of a sentence I read recently in Scientific American, “Because of natural evolution patterns, it’s conceivable that pigs will fly someday.”
Vance Worley – Placed on the DL. Went from a match-ups pitcher who could get lit to having an inflamed elbow. Call the fire department!
Clay Buchholz – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 7.77. He looked fine yesterday, but, no kidding, I can’t believe he’s still in the rotation. Like for real, or “Pho Real” if we’re going by the name of my Vietnamese restaurant that I’m minority owner of. Last time I write up a bucket list drunk.
Daisuke Matsuzaka – Bobby Valentine said he’s not close to returning. Red Sox fans exhaled.
Chase Utley – Yesterday, he took grounders. Phillie fans inhaled.
Hiroki Kuroda – 5 IP, 7 ER. Yankee fans burped.
Ivan Nova – Set for a bullpen session tomorrow. Pop the champagne. Super, Nova.
Fernando Rodney – Notched his 12th save and lowered his ERA to 0.48. I’m guessing the Devil wouldn’t make any deals with him while he was on the Angels.
Carlos Ruiz – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 7th homer. Hannah, so far and away the Phils best hitter so far, Hannah. <–Almost palindrome!
Freddy Galvis – 2-for-4, with a run and an RBI. He’s hitting near .400 over the last week and… nothing. It’s good to see him hitting, but he could steal some bases (23 steals last year in the minors). Somebody put Hot Stuff on his feet.
Alfonso Soriano – Before I even say it, I regret it. I So-rue-iano. Yet, he did hit his 2nd homer in as many games yesterday.
Clayton Richard – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Hodgepadre!
Chase Headley – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Truly a breakout year, which correlates to around 16 homers and a .265 average. The mouth on the left side of the screen says, “Yawn.” The mouth on the right side of the screen says, “stipating.”
Jose Valverde – Tigers are saying Valverde should be back by this weekend. If you own Valverde, I’m not sure if that’s good news. The Tigers are saying Benoit could see saves, but it might also go based on match-ups. Benoit made me think of the WWF, which made me think of Words With Friends. I’m surprised the World Wildlife Federation hasn’t made them change the name to Words With Pals or Words With Entertainment.
Austin Jackson – Left yesterday’s game with an abdominal strain. He might get a precautionary MRI, and we know how well those turn out!
Carlos Quentin – Rehab assignment was shutdown as he needed a cortisone shot. 2008 called and said Carlos Quentin’s stats are being erased; they’re all lies.
Jason Bay – He’s about two weeks away from returning. Yay. Put the ‘Get Well Soon’ balloons on order.
Alex Presley – Has left the building. He had the full-time job, but he Mr. Bungled it and is off to the minors. Mr. Bungled it so bad the Pirates are turning to McLousy or Yamaico Navarro. Navarro got the start yesterday and went 0-for-2, and was lifted for a pinch hitter. In the minors, Navarro showed light power (10-ish homers) and light steals (12-ish). He does have 3rd base eligibility in Yahoo and ESPN, but outside of leagues that only play Pirate players, I’d hold for now. And in those leagues, who’s your 2nd draft pick? Jose Tabata? Do you reach for Hanrahan?
Brett Lawrie – Suspended only 4 games, but plans to appeal. I’d love to hear the preliminary appeal discussion with his attorney. Attorney talking to Lawrie, “We can either go with your frustration was stemming from the egregious strike calls made by Bill Miller. Or we can go with a skinny guy in the front row was casting a shadow that made it look like there was a hat rack on the ground.” Lawrie, “I think I can put a hashtag on that second reason.” “Done and done!”
Colby Rasmus – 0-for-4 with 4 high fives to Bautista, Arencibia, Johnson and Encarnacion, who all homered. I think Rasmus also worked in a fist pump to Thames, who doubled.
Kyle Drabek – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Yankees. This is coming off a 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER effort vs. the Twins and 5 IP, 5 ER against the Angels, who just fired their hitting coach. Kyle Drabek: I Make Smart Money Look Stupid.
Wilson Betemit – 2-for-7 with his 6th homer. Is Betemit available to teach Ryan Zimmerman how to hit? Cause that would be helpful.
Omar Infante – 3-for-5 with two steals as he bats .336. Omar’s coming yo!
Mike Minor – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Not sure if I’ve verbalized it, um, writing, but this Minor shizz has got to be off your team until further notice. You know how they have obits written ahead of time for celebrities? Atlanta reporters have the tweet “Mike Minors” ready to go.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks to lower his ERA to 5.09. Matthew Berry likes him as a buy low.
Dustin Ackley – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Hey, his bats finally got back from Japan!
Michael Saunders – 2-for-3 with his 5th steal, which he dedicated to his dad, the Colonel.
Melky Cabrera – Scratched with a sore left toe. He’s day-to-day, or at least that’s what the aliens told me who read his mind despite his best efforts to stop them.
Corey Hart – 1-for-3 with his 8th homer. Surprised to see him in some comments as a guy people can pick up. I’m assuming these leagues are shallow, but, as they said in 14th century China, assuming makes an ass outta of you and Ming. To answer, yeah, he should be owned, especially now because he usually goes on tears.
Brian Dozier – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in four games, while hitting .286. Okay, I’m talking him up solely because I dropped Cozart for Dozier. Hopefully, things stay rozier.
Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-5 with his 2nd homer. The Eskimos have a name for the sound of crap hitting the toilet water, it’s Plouffe.
Justin Morneau – He was activated from the DL and went 1-for-5. It’s like he never left!
Ryan Doumit – To the DL for three weeks with a strained calf. What an odd thing to find in a colander.
Josh Willingham – 3-for-5, 2 runs and 1 RBI as the Twins scored 11 runs. My fact checking monkey tells me the Twins didn’t carry over this whole year’s worth of runs.
Felix Hernandez – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER vs. the Indians. F-Her, you should be embarrassed. Luckily, I didn’t use the thesaurus for synonyms for embarrassed. The Native American Anti-Defamation League has enough to deal with.
Bud Norris – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. I think he might be the unofficial winner of the most comments on whether or not people should pick him up. Yeah, this Bud’s for you.
Carlos Lee – 3-for-4 with his 3rd homer, now hitting near .400 over the last week. Ugh, first Alfonso Soriano, now Carlos Lee. Kick me in the ass and call me Murray Chass.
Andy Dirks – 3-for-4, 2 runs and 1 RBI. Hitting .370 out of the 2 hole. Plouffe!
Eric Hosmer – 0-for-7. Maybe he can work the count into something favorable then they can put in Mitch Maier.
Felipe Paulino – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. He’s kinda put together three solid starts (his 2nd one vs. the White Sox was a bit of bad luck). His K-rate has always been solid, but his walk rate losses sight of the strike zone sometimes. So far, he’s been in control. The 1-something ERA won’t stay there, but he could be what you thought you were getting from Filthy Sanchez this year (not what you actually got).
Krispie Young – Hit a grand slam in his rehab game. It was shirts vs. I sold my shirt for blow. *checking notes* Nope, different type of rehab.
Albert Pujols – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer to tie Gordon Beckham for 217th best in baseball!
Adam LaRoche – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. LaRoche has 29 RBIs and is hitting .339. Yesterday, Hosmer pooped twice.
Wilson Ramos – Going for ACL surgery in 2-3 weeks and won’t be back this year. Bernie Williams, “I’d love to play my guitar at the opening of the ACL!”
Ian Desmond – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer. He’s hitting around .330 over the last week with 2 steals. Shine on you crazy Desmond!
Henry Rodriguez – Got the save yesterday even after Desmond E’d a guy onto base. HanK-Rod still mowed them down, showing no signs of his recent failings. I realized something watching him. He’s Charlie Sheen in Major League (or real life). His stuff is insane, and he can’t control it.
Michael Morse – Made throws yesterday for the first time in several weeks. He said, “I haven’t been throwing, so it was kind of like a monkey riding a bike.” That sounds awesome! I wanna see him throwing through flaming hula hoops while balancing on a seal’s nose! Please!
