You remember in Austin Powers when he gets his golf cart stuck in the tunnel and tries to make a u-turn and just goes back and forth unable to turn. That’s how I feel going between Tyler White and Tyler O’Neill. “Tyler O’Neill just homered…” *backs up golf cart* “Tyler White just homered…” *reverses golf cart* “O’Neill now!” *tries to turn wheel* “White does it again!” *gets out of golf cart and tries to move it manually, but have overestimated strength* “O’Neill with a round tripper!” *sighs, gets back in golf cart and checks Facebook menchies, overcome with helplessness of decisions* I do not know which Tyler I would go with anymore. Every day this week it has switched, sometimes it’s switched in the same day. Tyler White is top four slugging percentage in the majors leagues when sorting by 100 plate appearances, but just as soon as you say that Tyler O’Neill will go and do something. White is likely in a platoon, but when Ozuna returns, O’Neill will have same problems. I’d own both, but White is my favorite…*sees O’Neill hit a homer, reverses golf cart* Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Yan Gomes – He has a six game hitting streak, which I think is the longest in the major leagues. Kidding, of course, I know it’s Carlos Tocci with a seven-game hitting streak. You know what’s a pretty clear indication the game has changed? When no one gets a 20-game hitting streak all year and there’s so much offense. Joe DiMaggio is rolling over in his giant Mr. Coffee box. Any hoo! Gomes has been hot.
Luke Voit – Just went over him this morning. Use your scrolly finger and scroll on, scrolla!
Matt Thaiss – Podcaster Ralph and I went over Thaiss in the last podcast. The only thing that’s changed is the date and we didn’t know that Pujols would be out for the year, so I was a little more hesitant due to playing time concerns. I do love how his name is pronounced tho, like Mos Def lyrics.
Trey Mancini – He’s been so hot in the last few weeks that he could salvage an otherwise forgettable season. I’m being generous with my prorating, but if he can get to 27 HRs and .260, it will be more of a plateau from 1st season to 2nd season vs. a huge drop off. “If I had a nickel for every time someone prorated incorrectly, I would have $17 million in three days.” Oh, shut up, Mr. Prorater!
Tyler Austin – There’s more Tylers I’m liking right now than at the Ramada Inn seminar, “How To Tie A Cherry Stem With Your Tongue.”
Jeff McNeil – I am not joking at all when I say McNeil would be benched in an instant if David Wright were healthy enough to take the field and said he wanted to play 2nd. I think the Mets only promoted McNeil because they think there’s not much to him and will play him for a few, then trade or bench him like a Wilmer Flores. The reason they won’t promote Peter Alonso is because they think there’s something to him and he could be good. Seriously. Forget pace of game, these are problems that should be fixed. Teams should not be able to artificially suppress players. Imagine if an NFL or NBA team drafted a player, then purposely benched him or sent him to a training camp. It’s so unbelievably stupid. Okay, could someone help me down from this soapbox, I’m scared of heights.
Jonathan Villar – I know the O’s aren’t quote-unquote good, but sometimes being finger-quoty bad is finger-quoty good for a player because he will play every day and steal bases because the team has nothing to finger-quoty lose.
Joey Wendle – The steals SAGNOF landscape was barren like my Cougar’s womb in the beginning of the year, but steals have picked up recently. Wendle is only latest example, and more below.
Todd Frazier – Okay, one more Mets note (but it’s lots of teams that do this), Frazier is playing because there’s a set salary the Mets have to play him, so they may as well play him. Sure, he’s hitting recently, but he really should be a platoon player on a team that was actually trying to win.
Willy Adames – If he keeps up his hot hitting, I might have to blow the dust off my “Grey is crazy for a middle infielder, writing a sleeper post for him and will be talking about him until next March only for said player to blow chunks in April and get dropped by me” routine!
Billy McKinney – Been fire emoji since he came up for the Jays, and might’ve replaced Teoscar and Granderson on the depth charts. Should be on the latter, like Altuve. McKinney’s a power-first outfielder — think 25 homers, but he might hit .250 or lower. Could also steal a base or two. Plus, he sounds like a character Adam Sandler would play. Well, that might be a negative.
Ramon Laureano – All respect to Dominique Wilkins, but Laureano is the new Human Highlight Reel. Doode flat-out rakes! Not ‘rakes’ as it is usually used, which means to hit, but as it should be used, which is to collect balls hit anywhere near them and throw said ball where they’re supposed to go. Think about it, when you rake you don’t scatter leaves, you collect them and put them where they should go. Okay, point made. Laureano also can steal 25+ bags and has 15-homer power. I’m sorry, you a 2019 sleeper? Yes, you are.
Roman Quinn – I’m convinced Kapler wants to make it as hard as he can for the Phils to win games, but Quinn as his new leadoff hitter? Is, well, I like it. Hope it sticks like my new definition of rake.
Hunter Renfroe – Power, nothing else. But as Thomas Edison once said, “If I can’t get the power working, we’re all doomed. Luckily, I’m not flying a freakin’ kite in a rainstorm thinking that’s gonna do something.”
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – Just gave you my Vladimir Guerrero Jr. fantasy. I wrote it while thinking about my newest Shark Tank idea. SHARKS! Here’s my product, a scale that subtracts 17 pounds. You never have to diet again!
Jeremy Jeffress – I like Jeffress a lot, but it is a little crazy to me that he’s owned in more leagues than Dellin. They should both be owned.
Tommy Hunter – *signs clipboard and hands it to the nurse* I am admitting myself into this wellness clinic to decompress from trying to figure out who Kapler will be using for saves.
Ryan Madson – To male nurse at wellness clinic, “Yes, I am Madson. Completely insane. And call me Dad.”
Matt Kemp – The only thing that qualifies someone to get in the Sell is being owned in 50% of leagues, and Kemp’s currently owned in 75% leagues, so bingo-bango and his Jaxx are in the Basement. Kemp doesn’t even play much anymore and the entire Dodgers team has been infected with “Great team but Dave Roberts keeps talking about the time he stole a base in the playoffs and literally nothing else, yo, who hired this guy?”
Kyle Seager – Two years ago, the Seager Mom, “Both of my boys are so good it’s so hard to choose which one to throw my full-time love behind and boost them with momma’s love that gets a lonely boy through the night and reminds them of suckling my breasts.” Now, “I kinda like Tyler White at my corner infidel slot.”