A premature grey-haired man and a prematurely balding man sit on a Brooklyn stoop, chatting about the old days. “I can remember when Ossie Davis sat on this very stoop in Do The Right Thing.” “It was a simpler time before gentrification. Now the millennials are killing the bees, mayonnaise and plastic straws.” Sipping his drink, “My kombucha tastes like paper…stupid biodegradable straw!” “We were millennials as late as June, what happened to us?” “We grew old waiting for Vladimir Guerrero Jr.!” “Stupid millennials and their Super Twos!” So, as mentioned last week in my Eloy Jimenez fantasy, I’m back here for the other guy who could be called up this week. Will he? Unless you’re talking to my groin, and mispronouncing Willie, I haven’t a clue. I’m not saying Vlad Jr. necessarily will be called up, I’m just saying you stash him for right now. See what happens when rosters expand in a few days, and, if he’s not called up, you drop him again. No harm, no foul in holding a guy for a week who could do what Vladimir Guerrero Jr. does. For more, search the damn site! We’ve been talking about him for so long we’ve grown old! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Danny Jansen – I think smart money is on Taylor Ward outperforming Jansen, but did I ever tell you about the time I bought $5,000 worth of Boston Market stock and three days later they went bankrupt? It taught me a valuable lesson, never buy stocks on an empty stomach. Also, it proves smart money isn’t always smart.
Kendrys Morales – He’s been hot as a witch’s areola! Allow me to explain. A witch’s tit is so ice cold that in order to maintain her body temperature her areola needs to be extra hot.
Todd Frazier – Are you people happy? You’ve broken me down! I’m recommending Todd Effin’ Frazier! Effrazier?
Willy Adames – That’s Captain Willy Adames to you, you…you…you…Cylon! I wish they came out with another season of Battlestar Galactica, and I don’t like your usual nerdy sci-fi, but I got super into Battlestar and The Expanse. Only sci-fi I used to know is when Nicki Minaj rhymes sci-fi with wi-fi. Is there any other sci-fi shows I should watch? Keep in mind I’ve never seen one episode of Star Trek. Any hoo! Wow, that was a detour. Adames has been hot, but batting at the bottom of the Rays’ order, so Captain Willy Adames is just a flyer.
Adalberto Mondesi – At some point this offseason, I’m going to write a slow song about a fast player named Mondesi, but for now he’s a SAGNOF play with an occasional homer.
David Fletcher – I just Googled Fletcher and I found an article saying he grew up in Cypress. Funny, I grew up with Cypress as a musical backdrop. If you missed it, here’s a podcast interview with B-Real from Cypress Hill that I did. It’s super straightforward; I was stanning. In that same article about Fletcher, The Sciosciapath was comparing him to David Eckstein, which is the point when I closed the article.
Jonathan Villar – This buy is about this week, but let’s just assume Villar finishes the year with 12 HRs and 24 SBs, missing about 150 ABs from a full season. Gonna be hard for me not to be excited about him next year when he’s being drafted around 275 overall.
Jeff McNeil – Let’s try to focus less on how I’m telling you to pick up guys on some of the worst offensive teams. Meh, who am I kidding? Focus, indeed.
Amed Rosario – The Mets should trade for Jesus Aguilar and Christian Yelich, so they can say Amed to the Christian/Jesus. Actually, seems more plausible that the Mets trade Amed to the Brewers for the rights to talk to Wade Miley.
Dansby Swanson – Dansby?! Whoever heard of a Dansby?! That’s Veruca Salt’s fantasy team name. I’ve heard of a Dansby, he’s about to start hitting above Ozzie Albies if Ozzie doesn’t start hitting. Haven’t mentioned this much, but Ozzie’s movement down the lineup is…well, movement is a good word for it.
Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – Supposed to be activated in time for today’s game, unless Devon Travis hits 88 in a DeLorean, goes back to the last five years when he was supposed to be good and is actually good, then rejoins us back here in 2018 with endorsement deals and rocking Yeezys.
Harrison Bader – Things have been working out for the Cards recently, so I doubt the Cards’ Shildt-head makes any drastic lineup changes, but Bader should really be hitting leadoff, Carpenter third, Jo-Ma 2nd and Molina hitting fifth. In 15 seconds, I just made the Cardinals 70% better.
Melky Cabrera – This is gonna blow your mind, but we also have a 7-day Player Rater and guess who’s in the top ten? Actually, Todd Frazier isn’t a bad guess, but I was more thinking about whose blurb we’re in. Melky! Cerealiously!
Kevin Pillar – “Don’t just stand there like a statue, grab Pillar!” said Big Pun before he died.
Greg Allen – He sounds like the guy in your high school who elicits this conversation, “You remember Greg Allen, right?” “Nope.” “Really?” “Does not ring a bell.” “Wait, I’m thinking of someone else. Who is Greg Allen?” “Not sure, I thought you knew.” Yeah, non-descript SAGNOF’er is batting ninth for the Indians and doing stuff more inline with someone with a lot more interesting of a name.
Cedric Mullins – In Triple-A, he had 5 HRs and 12 SBs in 59 games. He does walk and doesn’t strike out much. He’s the type who could be 15/25/.280 next year and extremely interesting or 8/17/.260 and completely forgettable. (Sounds like every preseason conversation ever about Kevin Kiermaier.) Either way, for this year, Mullins has been a tad hot and playing. By the way, Tad Hot is not related to Tad Hamilton. But he could be. Rawr!
David Dahl – In Coors. You need more? You greedy, huh? He could be a number three outfielder for all leagues the rest of the way. Better? Damn, more?! As I told all ex-girlfriends, I can’t offer more. I’m unavailable!
Dellin Betances – He should be owned in more than 50% leagues even before the possibility of saves. Seriously, in what leagues is he not drafted, let alone owned? Have you seen his numbers? No, that’s not homework! Just look at his numbers.
Pat Neshek – Just went over him this morning. Use your scrolly finger and have at it!
Jose Leclerc – I wouldn’t be surprised if the Rangers do some boneheaded move like bringing in a Fernando Rodney-type with his imaginary quiver, but, if not, Leclerc will be on all my teams next year, and should be on all your teams this year.
Dan Winkler – Fun fact! Winkler is named after the Winky emoji. Less fun fact! He could be getting saves in Atlanta.
Trevor Hildenberger – Been far from impressed by Hildenberger, and not as in, I’m in a car, rain beating down on the window as tears streak my cheeks as I watch ‘impressed’ move far away from me. That would be ‘far from impressed’ in a longing, heartbroken manner. No, this means Hildenberger just hasn’t impressed me. But he’s getting saves, SAGNOF!
Kelvin Herrera – I wonder how many daqs Dusty Baker is slurping up as he cackles at what a shizzshow the Nats have been. My guess is no more than three, because getting drunk with a toothpick in your mouth is dangerous, and Dusty is responsible, except with pitchers’ arms.
Drew Steckenrider – Don’t forget to go say hello to our new SAGNOF writer who posted this morning. Smokey’s got big Birken-sandals to fill.
Jonathan Schoop – Wow, Cousin Sweatpants, that went the wrong way super fast, right? I just dropped some rhymes as my alter ego, B. Fire, in my last Anime Grey video, and Schoop no longer rhymes with dope. It’s now poop.
Yoan Moncada – I went to the 30-day Player Rater to find the least valuable hitter in the last month who hasn’t had an injury. Moncada, congrats, you are the recipient of the Kenneth Wurman of the Month Award! Now please stop shitting my house.
Jon Lester – I did the same on the 30-day Player Rater for the least valuable starter, but got to around 170th overall, napped and just came back with the name Jon Lester. We’re at the time of the year that if a guy hasn’t been good recently, you shouldn’t be thinking about how he pitched great four years ago. That doesn’t mean so much right now. In dynasty leagues, I wouldn’t necessarily drop Lester, but I would trade him for a front row ticket to see Bradley Cooper performing as the Elephant Man.