Yesterday, Trea Turner hit his 10th and 11th homer, contributing 8 RBIs, touching home plate three times for those jimmies (what they call runs on the east coast) and hitting .280 on the year. Feels like people are not excited about Turner so much this year. I get it, he’s only on pace for 20 homers and 40 steals. I pfft all over a 20/40 season. Plus, he hasn’t even been red hot at any point yet. I mean, pfft pfft p…where’d I put the rest of that third pfft? You see it? *picks third pfft off bottom of shoe* Crap, I think it’s dead. Anyone know CPR? Careful Pfft Resuscitation? I’m gonna call a doctor, you people are useless! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Bryce Harper – 0-for-3, 1 run as the Nationals scored 14 runs. Maybe someone should throw something at him. Doesn’t need to be anything that will hurt. Just trying to see if he’s still alive. Could the Nationals be Weekend at Bernie’s-ing him around for the last three months? Maybe someone just scream in his ear to make sure he’s still with us. This is for his own good (and ours).
Matt Adams – 4-for-5, 3 runs, hitting .291. If Adams were still fat, I’d say maybe he ate Ryan Zimmerman — member him? Oh, no, I just realized something. Adams ate Zimmerman then got his jaw wired shut like Tami from The Real World: Los Angeles. Any hoo! I didn’t put Adams in this afternoon’s Buy column, but I would grab him if available. He is in hypothetically a good lineup.
Anthony Rendon – 0-for-5. Get him away from Bryce! He’s polluting his womb!
Jeremy Hellickson – 4 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 3.81. He looked good until the first batter, then things started to unravel. Now back-to-back duds since returning from the DL. Tag him back on the Facebook DL page and be done with him.
Martin Prado – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he was activated from the DL. And the Marlins benched J.T. Riddle. That is *pinkie to mouth* J.T. Ridiculous. I don’t even care that Prado homered. It’s J.T. Ridiculous, I tell ya!
Pablo Lopez – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.73. News flash! He’s not good. Now if I were to say his name is Pablopez? Well, that makes my jowls jiggle.
Justin Bour – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Because I’m a curious little kitten, I looked up to see where our was on the Player Rater for 1st basemen. El oh, well, yeah, so top 30 isn’t bad, I guess. Narrator: It’s bad.
Brian Anderson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, and was hitting .107 this week. *insert white guy blinking meme*
Max Fried – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.92. Max Fried is something you get at the County Fair that seems like a wonderful idea at the time, then you get home and your gall bladder is infected and you’re pitching staff has sepsis and you’re writing letters saying farewell to a Martha, who you don’t know. But, yeah, his next start isn’t terrible on the Stream-o-Nator.
Hernan Perez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. He hasn’t even played the last five days. Orf course.
Jhoulys Chacin – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.63. *sees Robbie Ray’s wretched stats on my team, looks back at Chacin on waivers* I want to ralph. Not as in Prospector Ralph, but as in vomit. No, Chacin’s peripherals don’t back this up (7.2 K/9, 3.8 BB/9, 4.63 xFIP); his velocity is even down two miles on his fastball. Ugh, I just can’t recommend him.
Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners (6 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.29. This might seem like a positive step on the surface, but under the surface it’s the It clown scratching its balls.
Leury Garcia – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .280. His average shocked me, thinking why haven’t I mentioned him at all, then I see he doesn’t play at all, and is a bit in the stable with LLAMAS, which is a big hump to get over.
Jose Altuve – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .332. Ya think anyone every calls him Joe and he’s like, “Please don’t shorten me further.”
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.15. Verlander dismantled the White Sox one thread at a time. Dad jokes in mom jeans!
Joey Gallo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .192. The ball traveled an estimated 453 feet, but if they moved the stadium out of the way and let the ball go until it landed it would’ve went 745 feet. I know this is not how these things work, but it should be. Question the world!
Rougned Odor – 0-for-3, hitting .233. He didn’t do anything last night, but doing something’s overrated. Can’t we just enjoy his company? Seems like a nice chap.
Ronald Guzman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .244. Glad to see Ronnie has bounced back from Sammi Sweetheart.
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th steal, hitting .247. He’s on pace for a 15/15/.250 season. It’s aight. Sorry, it’s difficult for me to get crazy excited for him. He did have five homers and three steals in June. I’d take that from Bryce or OZUNA at this point.
Niko Goodrum – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .241. Know what Goodrum always leads to? A batty call.
Mike Zunino – Hit the DL with some ankle shizz. El Zunino is a tropical shizzstorm, stay away from coastal areas and him.
Marco Gonzales – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.64 vs. Jaime Barria – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.39. This matchup was billed as, “Even if the Stream-o-Nator likes either of these guys I have a hard time owning them.” As you can imagine not a ton of people call it this.
Kole Calhoun – 0-for-3, 1 RBI, hitting .178. Frequent commenter The Great Knoche said yesterday, “Calhoun is hitting .306 with 4 HRs in 14 games since coming back off the DL. Maybe he was hurt? I’ve been rocking him since they put him at top of lineup.” And my inner monologue thought, “Hmm, maybe there’s something here.” Then, yesterday, The Sciosciapath batted Calhoun 9th. Ha, he shook up the lineup with a guy who was actually hitting. Ya gotta love it.
Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-4 and his 9th and 10th homer, hitting .207. “There’s legs sticking out of this carpet, are you sure you want me to throw it overboard? Wait, the legs are moving?! It’s Jonathan Schoop, and he’s alive!” So, Schoop went double dip, finally. The fact that they were two solo shots should tell you the problem still with him. Orioles are bad, and about to get worse when the Dodgers trade a middle reliever for Machado. Pains me to be this apathetic on Schoop — Schoopathetic? — but I’m still not necessarily excited for him. Maybe he heats up for a few now. It’s about all I have right now for hope — Schoope?
Aaron Slegers – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.38. Fun fact! After you say Slegers, it’s polite to say, “Sorry, ma’am, not you.” Oh, and there’s no actual excuse for Slegers, he has a 4 K/9.
Austin Hedges – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .188. Wow, there’s a blast from the past. Member when I liked him? No? It was this year that’s why I have this effin’ schmohawk on one of my teams.
Shelby Miller – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 9.00. Against a terrible team he’s barely mediocre. Maybe one more Tommy John surgery for old time’s sake?
Ketel Marte – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .243, but near-.300 in the last week, and…Well, that’s about it, but he’s at MI, what else you got?
Eric Lauer – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.84. He’s really good at picking off runners. Not a category in your league? Okay, moving on…
Steven Souza – 0-for-3 as he was activated. The Diamondbacks’ corresponding move was sending Jarrod Dyson to the DL. Will be hilarious when Souza is hurt again by Saturday, and the Diamondbacks are like, “Psyche! Dyson wasn’t hurt, we were just making a lame roster move, can we un-DL Dyson now?” As for Souza, I don’t mind him in all leagues if he’s healthy, though that is the whole ball of wax melted into a Precious Moments candle that, when burnt, the smoke spells out, “He’s never healthy.” Souza is not in this afternoon’s Buy column, but if he’s available, I’d grab him.
Alen Hanson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .279. When Hanson hit that homer, the sound it made was mmmm…pop!
Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 1.95, as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Wait, we have to work on July 5th? We don’t have a six-day weekend? That seems unAmerican.”
Luke Weaver – 8 IP, 2 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.92. The guy we thought we were getting in the preseason decided to do a drop by, uninvited, but always welcome. So, the good news is he should be better than his 4.92 ERA. His xFIP is nearly a run lower than his ERA, his velocity is up and he gets the White Sox next. I’d go back in on him.
Jedd Gyorko – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 7th homer. Sometimes my neurotic Jewish half takes over and *hyperventilates a few times* Where’s Jose Martinez?! Why is he not playing anymore?!
Matt Carpenter – 1-for-3, 3 runs and his 16th homer. Seriously, where’s Jo-Ma? I’m concerned.
Harrison Bader – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Maybe traded Jo-Ma to an AL team so he can DH? I’d accept that.
Yu Darvish – No plans for him to resume throwing. Glass is half empty: you drafted him for him to pitch. Glass is half full: with how he’s pitching, you’re better off if he never returns.
Francisco Cervelli – Cleared for rehab games. Cervelli has been dealing with concussion symptoms but says, “Kanye put out four albums and three of them were half-baked. The Pusha T album was the only one worth a damn. Cudi, Nas and Kanye’s own were weak at best with maybe one or two decent songs. Then the other albums to come out this summer? The Carters? Bleh, c’mon, this is garbage. Sorry, Beehive. And Drake’s album is overworked, bloated and about liking posts on IG. Pass.” Wow, Cervelli does sound very clearheaded.
