Tout Wars Recap: Can The Rockies Play Every Game At Home?

On Sunday, I took part in Tout Wars draft in the lovely city of New York — maybe you’ve heard of it, the home of the best pizza at Sbarro Italian Eatery. It’s an NL-Only League, which I like to imagine like this: Picture there’s a giant hole in the side of your house that a Cybertruck careened into. If you look through the hole, you see your wife making love to your best friend. How’sever, there’s three tall elm trees directly in front of the hole, blocking it, so your neighbors drive past and think, “Wow, that guy Josh has a real nice house and doesn’t have a hole in the side of it or a wife who is sleeping with his best friend.” The key is to draft enough giant elms and put them in front of Josh’s wife and his best friend. It’s a 12-team NL-Only, auction, two-catcher league with an infield slot, instead of corner and middle. There’s four OF slots and two swingmen, who could be hitters or pitchers or one of each. Then, there’s a utility slot; don’t ask. Anyway, here’s my Tout Wars draft recap:

C: Hunter Goodman – $8
C: Nick Fortes – $1
1B: Michael Toglia – $18
2B: Thairo Estrada – $10
SS: Elly De La Cruz – $40
3B: Ryan McMahon – $14
INF: Jonah Bride – $2
OF: James Wood – $27
OF: Alec Burleson – $11
OF: Andy Pages – $2
OF: Tyrone Taylor – $1
UTIL: Shohei Ohtani – $45
Swing: Nasim Nunez – $1
Swing: Matt Mervis – $1
Bench: Alex Call, Dane Myers

P: Ryan Helsley – $19
P: Roki Sasaki – $18
P: Robbie Ray – $14
P: Ranger Suarez – $10
P: MacKenzie Gore – $10
P: Jose Quintana – $3
P: Landen Roupp – $2
P: Jake Irvin – $2
P: Dennis Santana – $1
Bench: Andrew Abbott, Stephen Kolek

OKAY, GIVE ME YOUR WAR ROOM TOTALS SO I KNOW WHAT TO MOCK.

Here’s my Tout Wars, uh, War Room totals, please give your worst:

OKAY, COOL, SO, ARE YOU DICK MONFORT, OR DID HIS FAILSON QUIT AND YOU’RE NOW PRESIDENT OF OPERATIONS FOR THE COLORADO ROCKIES?

I was not wearing my Todd Helton jersey, handing out printed-out copies of my 2013 Josh Rutledge sleeper post. I did not smoke the wacky tabacky telling people, “I’m going Mile High, baby.” I did not drive to the draft in my Hyundai that’s painted Rockies purple so I could tell people that it was my CarGo. I think the Rockies are quite possibly the worst team in baseball for player development, a “by-a-nose finish” with the Angels, but when you see value, you have to take it. No one seems interested in Thairo Estrada, and maybe I shouldn’t be either, but the Rockies don’t sign players and not play them, and he was solid prior to an injury-filled previous year. I wrote a Michael Toglia sleeper, and he was the last 1st baseman worth a bid on the board when I got him. Ryan McMahon plays a lot and, well, it’s NL-Only so that’ll have to do, and Hunter Goodman has 30-homer power if he can get the at-bats. Bud Black won’t disappoint there, right? I mean, that’s never happened before, has it?

LOVE HOW DELULU YOU ARE, OR WHATEVER THE KIDS SAY. MOVING ON, YOU ARE MORE POT-COMMITTED THIS YEAR TO ELLY DE LA CRUZ THAN CBS IS TO THE YOUNG SHELDON UNIVERSE.

I’m more wild on E! than Brooke Burke.

I’LL ALLOW IT.

He’s one of my big elms this year. It’s been an absolute pleasure drafting him in every league and not worry about steals. Basically, I start a league with E! and remove from my sheet CJ Abrams (can’t say no to splitting aces), Corbin Carroll (shoulder), Xavier Edwards (I like him so this parenthetical isn’t working same as others) and Brenton Doyle (Nolan Jones, 2025). Not to mention, if E! hits .250+ and 25+ HRs, then I’m not even selling out for the speed. Guys and five girl readers, that is so nice. Oh, and I also got Ohtani. LOL, but also LMAO, but also ROFL. I have two of the top three players. Stop it, Grey, your smoke too tough. Your swag too different. Your bitch is too bad. They’ll kill you. For what it’s Cronenworth, Ohtani is only a hitter in this league, but, guess what, homey, that’s the only way I’ll be playing him, because my pitching ain’t too shabby considering how good my hitting is!

RIGHT, SO ABOUT YOUR PITCHING, HOW’D YOU GET ROKI SASAKI FOR ONLY $18?

No idea. People don’t want Roki, and that’s okie-dokie with me. Someone, please, to help put oxygen into your lungs, go watch Roki Sasaki highlights. You won’t need weed wax or poppers or whatever you’re taking to get you through your day. He is life! I’m gonna just direct you to Coolwhip’s Roki Sasaki fantasy, and say I agree with everything there. So, he might only throw 5 IP, 2 ER and 12 Ks every start, is that not just Blake Snell? Is it not just Yamamoto? Is it not just Tyler Glasnow–Those ess oh bee Dodgers got all the sexy eh-eff starters. If I had one serious complaint about my pitching is I might not have enough innings. I tried to rectify that with Abbott and Kolek in reserves, but too little, too late by that point. Oh, there’s one guy I want to highlight!

RYAN HELSLEY?

No, Landen Roupp.

YEAH, WHY’D YOU DRAFT THE LONG-TIME HEAD COACH OF THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS? SOME KIND OF MARCH MADNESS TIE-IN?

Landen Roupp is in the lead to win the Giants’ 5th starter job. It’s between him, Kyle Harrison, who’s sucked, and Hayden Birdsong, and Birdsong’s command flew the coup so Loupp is the guy, methinks, and I just started talking like a leprechaun for St. Patty’s Day. Roupp had a 14/1 K/BB over 12 innings. That doesn’t include his last outing, when Roupp threw 5 IP and 13 Ks. It was against minor leaguers, but here’s this:

Talked to a scout who say Landen Roupp pitch against a Class-A team yesterday and he said the level of competition wasn’t a factor in great outing. “It was stunning what he did. Two strikes on every hitter, 49 of 66 strikes. Very professional.”

— Susan Slusser (@susanslusser) March 15, 2025

This is what a breakout sounds like. Or at least worth mentioning and throwing two dollars at in an NL-Only league.

OKAY, BACK TO RYAN HELSLEY. YOU SAY YOU DON’T DRAFT TOP CLOSERS, THEN YOU GO AND DRAFT TOP CLOSERS.

In Only leagues, I just try to get one closer near the values that I have on my War Room, and grab an interesting handcuff for $1 or $2. At the end of the day, I would’ve been fine with just grabbing Robert Suarez ($13) and a handcuff or Ryan Pressly ($11) and a handcuff, if I would’ve known those would be the prices. You draft a closer early and expect later closers to be overpriced, when there’s fewer available, but that wasn’t the case. Next time, maybe I wait, we’ll see. Or not!

WHAT’S WITH THE DENNIS SANTANA HANDCUFF? WASN’T HE THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION?

No, that’s Tito Santana. Dennis (no relation) is because David Bednar seems cooked. His defense failed him the other day, when he gave up some runs, but he’s been failing himself and his team going back 15 months. Plus, the manager, Derek Shelton, refuses to name Shit-the-Bednar the closer. Great sign! I updated my top 500 over the weekend, moving up Santana and Colin Holderman and moving down David Bednar. As always, I update the top 500 multiple times per day. I do try to mention big changes.

Anyway, to play against us for free, hit up the below links. Once they’re filled, that will be it: