“Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. During the evenings, we’d watch the New York Yankees. A small pleasure that was punctuated by lashings when Chuck Knoblauch would make a spectacular play. Thankfully, it became exceedingly rare. Chuck divided his time between the New Yorkers and the Minnesota Twins, until he too went insane with the yips and threw every ball meant for the 1st baseman to the hot dog vendor, Clyde, in the front row of old Yankee Stadium. Yesterday, reminding me of my youth, Herr Clarke Schmidt (8 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.49) beat those same Minnesotans with guile as he’s done countless times this year. One could opt for a pun and say his Schmidt don’t stink, but isn’t that colorless in today’s fragmented society where we long on The Gram for a better life? His best pitch is a knuckle curve, which was the euphemism I used for shower-time during puberty. His knuckle curve produces a .185 BAA; mine produced more balls into play. His cutter is bleh, but the sweeper is perfection, like my first school crush, Hildegarde. She later turned out to be astringent as Witch Hazel, let’s hope his sweeper dazzles for longer. His ability to induce weak contact is where his success comes from. Well, there and his German heritage, presumably. Of course, he should be rostered in all fantasy leagues. His magnificence is matched only by his slimming pinstripes.” That was an excerpt of Dr. Evil from a longer piece he did at MLB dot com. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Anthony Volpe – 2-for-5 and his 6th homer, hitting .273. Homeboy had a slam and legs by inning three. That’s someone making the case for a top 25 overall year. Someone who is dead-set on raising my blinkers and whispering under my eyelids, “You know you want some of this.” Don’t put my eyelids down just yet, your hot breath is warming me. By the way, I listen with my ears and see with my eyes. Goofy guy, lifting my eyelids to speak to me. I’ve come to appreciate Anthony Volpe, when we should’ve appreciated him already. He was great last year as a rookie. Isn’t that funny? Volpe went 20/20 already in the majors and we all drafted Wyatt Langford before him. Says something about human nature, that does. We all want the unknown upside more than the perfectly respectable known. Together, we can change human nature. Take my hand, and we’ll do it together. Metaphorically! Don’t touch my hand! You shuck mollusks for a living? Jesus, I never felt such clammy hands before.
Joe Ryan – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.57. Check out this guy, a big fan of Harry Callahan, huh? Magnum Force was a fine film and I see why you have a 3.57 ERA for the tribute to the gun he used, but, according to Quora, Clint famously wielded a .44 Magnum, so either raise your ERA to 4.44 or lower it to 2.44 for when he points two. Geez, Joe Ryan, putting the buffoonery in film buff.
Nico Hoerner – Missed his third consecutive game with hamstring soreness. Oh, yeah, I know how this one plays out. Cubs say he’ll be in Friday’s game; I put him in my fantasy lineup for Friday through Sunday; it locks, and then he hits the IL.
Justin Steele – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.68. When is Justin Steele going to be shut down so we can hear he needs elbow surgery?
Ian Happ – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. “This comes at a great time, because I just lost a scarecrow to prairie dogs–Hold on! Happ moved! He’s alive!”
Nick Gonzales – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in three games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s here now and he’s been a hot schmotato. For those wondering who he is, he is a former top draft pick in 2020 — What year? 2020? Never heard of it. — and Itch said this at one point, “An early-season, desert power surge in the pandemic-shortened 2020 NCAA season rushed Gonzales up the draft boards to 7th overall. It wasn’t all smoke and mirrors by any means. A guy with his hand speed and coordination should be managing the strikeouts a little better than he has to this point in his career. With my hand speed, I will punch Grey.” C’mon!
Edward Olivares – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. See ya in five games!
Jared Jones – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.89. When your “iffy starts,” are starts like these? Jared Jones, you are my father. [knocks on door of Jones’s hotel room] I’m here to collect past child support!
Trea Turner – Went through agility drills. Wow, he’s taking this Treat Urner nickname seriously. Did he zig-zag around cones, then stop short and play dead?
Taijuan Walker – 3 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.91. He faced his old team, the Mets, the last team he was reliably good on. He hasn’t pitched for the Mets in two years. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, kazoo, Walker hasn’t been good in two years.
Jose Quintana – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.21. Streamonator hates him; his numbers look terrible; find a different die roll.
Pete Alonso – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .226. Albombso!
Edwin Diaz – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.57, and the blown save. Zero pleasure in reporting the meaningless World Baseball Classic ruined Edwin Diaz forever.
Josh Lowe – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Lowe was great last year in only 466 ABs. Maybe he doesn’t get quite to 350 ABs this year, but there’s still a chance Lowe is fantastic. I believe in long walks on the beach, Stephen Vogt and Lowe in limited at-bats.
Zack Littell – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.44. Frequent commenter PK mentioned last time Littell pitched, “A little mouse told me to look at Zack Littell’s Wikipedia page. His middle name is Stuart. Zack Stuart Littell.”
Rafael Devers – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Devers delivers!
Jarren Duran – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .272. Duran’s been a respectable 3rd outfielder for all mixed leagues. “Duran’s” is not plural and is different than Duran Duran. That would be funny if someone younger than us — basically most of the population — were to see Duran Duran and call them, The Durans.
Cooper Criswell – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.76. Regression Fairies are Hungry Like the Wolf! Sorry, after the last blurb, I put them on.
Will Benson – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in three games, and 2nd homer since TJ Friedl hit the IL, i.e., Benson’s got the job, i.e., long live Robert Guillaume.
Elly De La Cruz – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and 4 steals (27, 28, 29, 30). Holy crap, he’s going for 100 steals. The one good thing about Elly is you don’t roster him like me, you’re battling with every other team in your league for steals, except the team with him. They’ve won the category already.
Emmett Sheehan – Dodgers reported he underwent Tommy John surgery earlier this week like he happened to be at the doctor and what the heck.
Cristian Javier – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.23. You know when you start Cristian Javier next time out he’s going to crush you with the finishing move called, The Michael King.
Joey Loperfido – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he hits 9th. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy, but maybe he’s figured out something or about to get hot, but he’s done little to nothing so far in the majors.
Roansy Contreras – Traded to the Angels. They have starter after starter who should be good, yet is very, very bad. Roansy will fit in perfectly!
Luis Rengifo – Activated from the IL. Thank you for returning so quickly, my perfect boy who is the Karma Sutra of position eligibility.
Ronald Acuña Jr. – Was revealed he had Wednesday off to clear his head. He was pressing, Snitker said, and Acuña needed to “detox.” Hopefully, it’s better for him than Amanda Bynes, Jeff Conaway, Dr. Dre, Chyna–Maybe we shouldn’t say he had to detox?
