When I hear the name Domingo Santana, I’m immediately transported to a small village in the Catalan region of Spain. A Gregorian monk overlooks the city of Barcelona. A breeze of air rolls in. Not from the Mediterranean, but it’s that breeze of air that rolls over the city from the residents pronouncing Barcelona with a lisp. This is the Gregorian monk’s city, and his name is Domingo Santana Sr. Sr. and the year is 1789, and I feel like I just pitched a cheap wine commercial to a client at an ad agency. “The tag line is: This monk’s got spirit!” Client leaves; I’m fired. I scream, “But I’ve seen every Mad Men episode,” as the screen fades to black. So, Domingo Santana isn’t the best guy on waivers in every league. I’d likely go with Jayson Werth, Wil Myers and a bunch of other guys over Sunday Santana for this year, but some of youse are in keepers and this post can also be for 2016 fantasy baseball, because I said so. According to some Jean Smarts at other sites, Santana made contact on only around 70% of minor league pitches that were in the strike zone over the past two years. Only one other player in the minors was that bad (Rymer Liriano). To put that in perspective, Domingo can’t hit balls that are in the strike zone. So far this year in the majors, he has a 30% strikeout percentage. What do all of these numbers mean? He might hit .230 if he’s lucky. So, why am I crushing on him so hard like I’m a Swede who just found a frozen time capsule filled with Frusen Glädjé? Because Sunday Santana has 30-homer power and 15-steal speed, and kinda reminds me of a young Carlos Gomez with a bit less speed. The same CarGo that struggled until he was 26 years old, and Domingo is only 23. Will Santana ever make enough contact? It’s hard to say, and it may not come in 2016, but I’d definitely grab him for cheap in keepers for a flyer for next year, and I like him in deeper leagues right now for some occasional flashes of the power/speed combo. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Blake Swihart – Henry David Thoreau would call him B. Lake. Speaking of Thoreau, I just Googled him and did anyone smile prior to 1950? Every picture of anyone prior to 1950 looks like they want to wrassle with Ty Cobb.
J.P. Arencibia – Chili flakes, garlic, tomato and four homers in the last week and that’s how you make Just Pasta Arencibia.
Greg Bird – I heard on an AM sports show in New York that some people think it’s a good time to flip Bird. Hmm, now that I think about it, I might have been listening to the traffic station.
Mark Canha – There is only one person that has been hotter in the history of the universe. That was a late-80’s, early 90’s George Michael. His Sports Machine was so hot.
Wil Myers – I just thought of something, a social experiment, perhaps. When a man says they want to become a woman, they should be made to watch something with Lena Dunham. If they like it, they are indeed a woman. You’re welcome, world, I made you better. As for Myers, drafting him in a deep league made me wish I were watching Lena Dunham instead of owning him, but he is back and hitting.
Yangervis Solarte – The Padres always seem to hit in the final two months, and this year may not be any different. Honestly, I didn’t look at their stats. Okay, fine! *looks up team stats* Yeah, the Padres were top 8 in August and are at 15th overall for offense in September. They were not good in the 1st half of the year.
C.J. Cron – I wonder if The Sciosciapath has the Gurgle Poops, as WebMD calls Crohn’s Disease, and that’s why he doesn’t like Cron.
Jedd Gyorko – Let’s not talk about how many times Gyorko has failed us and let’s instead think about how many times he can still fail us in the future.
Brett Lawrie – Damn, and I see Baez coming up next. Let’s just call this section of the Buy as “Post-Hype Sleepers: Why It’s Good To Have A Short Memory or How I Learned To Stop Worrying About When Gyorko And Lawrie Were Going To Bomb Again.”
Javier Baez – Dan Pants wrote about his Javier Baez fantasy last week, and I agree with it. By the by, I love DanPants. His job is so thankless, writing the roundups on the weekend. Ya’ll better show him some appreciation on Saturday mornings. Wow, the preceding sounded like I had been doing some day drinking and I was about to do some awkward bro-hugs.
Eduardo Escobar – Fun exercise for you: light the candle you got from Wicks ‘n Sticks and summon a conference with the spirit of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. Once Maharishi is there, ask him if you could tell your March self that by September, you’ll want Eduardo Escobar instead of Ian Desmond and Hanley Ramirez. When done with that exercise, grab Eduardo, since, like Maharishi Mahesh Yogi would say, “It ain’t over until it’s over, if that is Ganesha’s will.”
Corey Seager – Bit surprised that he’s not owned in more than 50% of leagues, but I bet a lot of the people that grabbed him in August, hoping he’d save their season, spite-dropped him and then went to play fantasy football or fantasy basketball in September. Seamless linkbait!
Hector Olivera – What I said about Seager, but with less linkbait.
Jayson Werth – How’d this old doode sneak into my sexy, sexy Buy column? Read the sign, Werth, no old doodes allowed. *notices sign was flipped* Ugh, who flipped the sign to the, “SAT Testing In Progress” side? Could someone flip that back?
Michael Conforto – As many of you know, Michael Conforto is the incorrect translation of Michael Corleone on Zimbabwe TV when they show The Godfather. To quote another mistranslated movie, “Get Conforto off your monkey-fighting waivers!”
J.A. Happ – The other day, I said I’d use Happ regardless of his next matchup. Today, I say, yeah!
Marcus Stroman – On the fo’reallies, I wouldn’t start Stroman in most leagues tomorrow, but he does have high upside. I’d likely only be looking at grabbing him in keeper leagues.
Sean Doolittle – I half expect Doolittle to get bombed the moment I plant my feet and get excited about him coming into a ninth inning.
Kevin Jepsen – To paraphrase Ed Sheeran, “SAGNOF can heal, SAGNOF can mend your soul and it’s the only thing with us when we die.”
Adam Jones – I wouldn’t dump Jones for just anyone in today’s Buy column, but I think I should. Now, if, say, Piscotty were available (owned in 70+% of ESPN leagues), then I’d consider it. Why? Piscotty doesn’t know!
Victor Martinez – This is my second time telling youse to drop V-Mart. Don’t make me come back here!
Adrian Beltre – We suffered through this season with Beltre. And I don’t use suffer lightly. Suffer actually feels like an understatement, but I’m too lazy to look at a thesaurus. Beltre has had, like, three good games all year. For those that don’t own him, do you have any idea how few homers he has? He has 13! In 2004, he had 13 homers in August. Wow, that was 11 years ago. Crazy how I’m still 27 years old, for, like, the tenth year. Of course, I didn’t expect 48 homers from Beltre like he had in 2004, but…13! That’s the devil’s number! The Mormons on the food truck, Waffle Love, from The Great Food Truck Race can’t even say that number; they count 11, 12, 14. I guess I shouldn’t have expected anything from Beltre, he only had 19 homers last year. Next year, he may not rank in the top 150. This year, get him off your team, it’ll feel like the greatest dump you’ve ever taken. And by dump, I mean crap. And by crap, I mean Beltre. Life is circular, like a toilet seat.