Avoiding the Blurbstomp – Parental Advisory

August 2, 2021 | Avoiding the Blurbstomp | 1 Comment

Goodbye trade deadline, hello your team’s post-deadline decline? Did you do the thing? Did you hold onto Kendall Graveman, Ian Kennedy, Richard Rodriguez, and Savesy McSavesperson and now you have almost no source of precious saves? Well, in the words of Radiohead, “You do it to yourself, you do, and that’s what really hurts.” Of course, Thom Yorke then followed that up by looking at your middle infield options and muttering, “A pig, in a cage, on antibiotics.”

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Dodgers Expose C-Mart’s Belly Button – It’s An Outing Not An Inning

June 3, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 419 Comments

by: Grey

[brid autoplay=”true” video=”790155″ player=”10951″ title=”RZBL%202021%20WAIVER%20WIRE%20WEEK%209″ duration=”153″ description=”undefined” uploaddate=”2021-05-28″ thumbnailurl=”//cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/thumb/790155_t_1622165618.png” contentUrl=”//cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/sd/790155.mp4″]

We used to have a glossary term for when one of your hitters hits a home run off one of your pitchers: “f***ing your stepsister.” We removed it I believe because it was too vulgar, but we have a shirt in our Razzball store that reads, “Fantasy Baseball: Something To Do Between Masturbation Sessions,” so too vulgar feels like it left the station a while ago. Any hoo! I don’t have a stepsister, but yesterday we were grinding, baby! After dinner, I was like, “Excuse me, my much older cougar wife,” as I dabbed my face with a wet nap, “I need to check to see how Carlos Martinez is doing. What’s that? He sucks? Sure, Cougs, but someone’s gotta suck in this marriage and it ain’t me or you.” Haha, we laughed, then I added, “How bad could he possibly suck?” That was when my world began to crumble, while also putting the moves on my nonexistent stepsister, because Cody Bellinger (2-for-4, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 1st homer) knocked in 6 runs in the 1st inning before I could put my teeth back in my mouth. I knocked them out when I saw Carlos Martinez’s line (2/3 IP, 10 ER, ERA at 5.83). Well, I’m glad Cody Bellinger is back and producing, I only wish it didn’t involve step-siblings. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

If You Don’t Manoah, Now You Manoah

May 28, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 272 Comments

by: Grey

Here’s what I said the other day, “Alek Manoah looks to me like Lance Lynn meets a background extra from Uncut Gems. Manoah looks like he will sell you a knockoff Rolex. I will call him a Rolek. His build is why the term big-bodied came to be defined. A Rolek looks like he could throw 200 IP without breaking a sweat, in one game. Everything I’ve seen has impressed me, from his 96 MPH fastball to his gorge 82 MPH slider. Roofies suck, so expectations in check, but you’ll never breathe if you can’t Blue Velvet an oxygen mask while watching a rookie starter.” And that’s me quoting me! Would like to add to that, Rolek looks like he’d be in Action Bronson’s crew. So, came away massively impressed by Rolek (6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 2 walks, 7 Ks). 82 MPH slider with upwards to 43 inches of break is a ‘goodnight, see ya tomorrow’ pitch, that he couples with a 96 MPH FB. Had some drop which could be an issue (falls into strike zone), but the 89 MPH change makes up for it. He threw one hummer down the pipe-lane to Aaron Judge and big boy got frozen solid like Mr. Freeze dropped a bad pun on him. “I have another call, so I have to put you on cold.” I had grabbed Rolek in my 12-teamer, but rosters are tight, so I needed to drop him, and now I’m filled with regret. Would absolutely grab him in all leagues. Hopefully, that tall drink of water can avoid hiccups. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Buy Vidal So Soon

May 21, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 569 Comments

by: Grey

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(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH OR $13/MONTH WITH AN EXTRA WEEKLY PODCAST.)

“If you don’t look good, I don’t look good,” said famed hairstylist Vidal Sassoon, as he was trying to get his son, Bob, to take off denim overalls and put on something else. Affronted, Bob Sassoon later took on his father’s hair empire, literally head-on, when Bob started manufacturing baby wigs. “When they emerge from the womb, they should look da bomb,” said Bob Sassoon, managing to make that awkward bomb/womb rhyme. Unfortunately, his baby wig business went belly up after two months with loses totaling twelve million dollars. The story, thankfully, doesn’t end there for the Sassoons. A disgraced Bob changed his last name to Brujan, and named his firstborn son, Vidal, vowing now to capture the hair dye/shampoo market. Again, much to Bob’s chagrin, Vidal Brujan became a baseball player, not a hair stylist, and Bob again disowned a Vidal right before he was about to become wildly successful. Any hoo! Here’s what Prospect Itch has said about Brujan previously, “It’s rare enough for a 40-steal player to enter our game. Even rarer to find one who hits enough to earn himself regular playing time. Rarer still to find one who speaks five languages. I mention this last piece because language learning requires the same determination needed for the grind of baseball. You’re going to make mistakes. Might look like an idiot. Might often feel dumb. But you have to keep putting yourself out there. And as long as you stay positive and focus on the long term, you can improve a little bit every day. In 2014, Tampa signed Brujan out of the Dominican Republic for $15,000. He was illiterate at the time. Now: five languages. Grey can’t speak one.” Tough but fair, tee bee aitch. Brujan is on the 40-man roster and coming our way very soon. He will be an immediate impact guy for fantasy in all leagues, and should be picked up now. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Points Leagues: Grab a Bat

May 21, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Points Leagues | 8 Comments

by: Butters

What’s up party people? It’s your friendly neighborhood Butters here to help fix your points league rosters. So smash that like and subscribe button and let’s get on to some bats who can help you out. Number one on that list is Willie Calhoun who should really be on more rosters, if only for the power potential. He’s been DH (aka Utility) eligible only but you can now deploy him in the outfield and that’s a beautiful thing. I’m encouraged by his start to the season, particularly that he’s managed to keep his average around .275. I would be grabbing him everywhere to see if this is the season he gets some things figured out. All he (and any of the other guys here) cost is the worst player on your roster.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Jarred Puts on a Kelenic

May 15, 2021 | Daily Notes | 50 Comments

by: Dan Pants

Freshly promoted Mariners rookie outfielder slash phenom slash heart throb slash Seattle savior slash pride of Pike’s Place, Jarred Kelenic put on a clinic in just his second game in the majors with three hits in four at-bats, scoring two runs and his first big league home run, a 2-run shot to right in the third inning that put the Ms up 3-0. After a disappointing debut on Thursday where he went 0-for-4 without reaching base, the dinger was Kelly’s (can I call him Kelly?) first major league hit, but he wasn’t done showing off his skillz with a “z” yet. We got to witness that highly touted speed of his, as he hustled out two doubles and added an additional RBI out of that C-Attle lead off spot. Mmhm. The super prospect is likely owned everywhere at this point and for good reason, I imagine what follows is some hilarious worst-to-first Major League type scenario where Jarred carries the Mariners back to relevance. Please let it be so. This isn’t entirely out of the realm of possibility, Kyle Seager and Mitch Haniger also homered Friday night and raised eyebrow emoji face…do all of a sudden the Ms have an offense? If Kelenic is going to hit like this, and going to hit lead off, it kickstarts this offense in a huge way and just his presence could make a lot some of these players more valuable. I’m looking at you, Dylan Moore (2-for-4, run, 7th steal). Wishful thinking, perhaps? Still Kelenic’s big night Friday was exciting to see, and a glimpse of hope for a fanbase that hasn’t seen their team in the post season in almost 20 years. Is he going to hit three extra base hits every night? Maybe add some steals tomorrow? Close out games? Strike out sides? No-hit the Tigers? Call balls and strikes? Probably! Either way, you’ve got to be hype to see what’s next for Jarred Kelenic. This kid’s gonna be a star! Ha-cha-cha!

Here’s what else I saw Friday night in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Seattle’s Best Prospects

May 14, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 304 Comments

by: Grey

If you have friends that are Mets fans, yesterday was a difficult day. Please check in on them. Meanwhile, Brodie Van Wagenen will be drinking George Clooney’s tequila with Jay-Z while the Mariners game is on behind them at the Soho House, and Brodie won’t even know Jarred Kelenic is playing.

Extreme Jay-Z voice: Whoa, didn’t you trade away this guy?
BVV: Hova, Robbie Cano looked great.
Extreme Jay-Z voice: So soulful.

The Mariners were the talk of the MLB town yesterday with Logan Gilbert and Jarred Kelenic debuting. The bad news first, Logan Gilbert (4 IP, 4 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks). Okay, serious question, does Logan Gilbert throw ground balls or is that like not cool? He should consider ground balls, or at least mullet over. The problem with rookie pitchers — besides roofies — I don’t have eyes on them until they’re called up, and others who do have eyes on them, are seeing them go against minor leaguers. In every minor league lineup, there’s at least, what, five easy outs? There were moments when Gilbert looked like he could be an ace, and there were moments when I wasn’t sure why I picked him up in a 12-team mixed league. One start does not a career make; don’t make me point out how Clayton Kershaw had a terrible rookie year. He settled in as the game went along, stopped throwing only fastballs, and looked solid. You might consider streaming out of him in shallower leagues, you might hold him. Feels situational in shallower leagues. As usual, rookie pitchers not always worth the headache. Rookie hitters, how’sever, well, Jarred Kelenic can be a future star, and by future I mean starting today. It’s very encouraging the M’s hit him leadoff — I guess they like what they saw with his glove in the minors this year — and I’m completely, 100% still a smitten kitten on Kelenic. Let the good times roll, preferably right over me. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Tout Wars: Drafting Hitting Like I Just Got The Stimmy

March 23, 2021 | Our Leagues | 214 Comments

by: Grey

A friend of mine Pete Gabriel looked at my team and said, “This team is going to be a sledgehammer!” Then after a brief pause said, “I didn’t capitalize sledgehammer, and I am in no way related to Peter Gabriel or Peter Gabriel’s estate. Any potential confusion is just unfortunate mistake. Please don’t sue me.” Then after filling out a ten-page contract clearing him of any liability, he said, “Your hitting will go boom, boom, boom! Son,” he said, “Grab your things, your hitters will drive guys home!” Then, after a lengthy reconfirmation that he was 100% unrelated to Peter Gabriel, he said, “The light…the heat…Your team is complete in your eyes.” Then quickly added, “But I didn’t sing any of that so don’t confuse me, Pete Gabriel, with the Grammy-winning singer, Peter Gabriel.” It’s exhausting hanging out with that guy. For those unaware, this league is 5×5 with OBP instead of AVG, two-catcher, 12-team NL-Only league. Anyway, here’s my Tout Wars draft recap:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Saturday Morning Post: The Leftovers

February 20, 2021 | 2021 Fantasy Baseball | 10 Comments

by: JKJ

Howdy-do, Razzballers.

The snow wasn’t exactly as apocalyptic as initially feared, but we did get quite a bit for what we’re used to down here in the Dirty Souf. Needless to say, as we’re half-drowning in snow, Spring Training is starting up in other parts of the country. Games kick off Feb. 28. Pretty much all free agents worth a damn are signed by now, so this will be my last “The Saturday Morning Post” (in name only), as I’ll be transitioning to covering the weekly “Ambulance Chasers” column, which will drop at the same time next week. All injuries I deem to have fantasy impact will be covered, with as-in-depth-as-possible hot takes on who shall benefit from said injuries. Spring Training is fun and all, but someone always does something stupid and screws over fantasy owners before games even begin for real.

Anyhoodles, for the last time this offseason, here are the sexiest nomads of the last week:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Top 20 1st Basemen for 2021 Fantasy Baseball

January 21, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Rankings | 114 Comments

by: Grey

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The top 20 1st basemen for 2021 fantasy baseball are fascinating, at least according to early ADP. There’s some top guys to draft, a few, at least. But, unlike past years, there’s also quite a few 1st basemen to draft after the top 100. Usually I’d scream at you in the most shrill of voices that if you didn’t have a top five 1st baseman you were going to lose your league. I’m not against drafting one of those top guys, but there’s also quite a few later 1st basemen that I could see getting hip wit’. It’s wit’ because it’s hip, get it? Here’s Steamer’s 2021 Fantasy Baseball Projections for Hitters and 2021 Fantasy Baseball Projections for Pitchers. All projections included here are mine, and where I see tiers starting and stopping are included. Anyway, here’s the top 20 1st basemen for 2021 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

FanDuel: Sir Lance A Lot

September 21, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Baseball, DFS, Fanduel | 1 Comment

by: Metsfan86

Good Afternoon Baseball Fans, and welcome to my final article of the season. I wanted to start off by thanking those that reached out last week in response to my opening up about my personal story. Really meant a lot. I hope my story was able to help at least one person. Tonight’s six game slate is a doooooozy. We have good pitchers going against good lineups and bad pitchers going against bad lineups. I’m going to try my hardest with my write up today to attack the bad pitchers while also sprinkling in some hitters that while not in a great matchup, they’re just really good and should always be considered. My favorite pitcher today, and I hope you were able to decipher that by the title, is Lance McCullers Jr ($8,700). He’s a bit underpriced and will most likely be chalky.

New to FanDuel? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well, be sure to read our content and subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays. Just remember to sign up through us before jumping into the fray. It’s how we know you care!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Bohm Sparks Phillies Offensive Explosion

September 19, 2020 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 29 Comments

by: Dan Pants

Rookie Alec Bohm continued his explosive September Friday night going two for three with a run and an RBI in game one and one for three with a run and his first career steal in the second game. Oh my, did he just steal a base! *swoons* Alec’s underwhelming power to start his career has made it hard on hilarious jokesters like myself who just want to pun all day and improv all night. No bombs for Bohm? What about a nice lip balm? Does that work? Fret not, Bohm-dot-com has picked it up lately with two Bohm-bombs in the past week. So maybe Alec is more of an opposite field contact guy than a ding dong dinger guy? Or maybe it’s his first year in the league and once he adjusts he’ll be a monster and yes I’m absolutely going to draft him everywhere in 2021? Melikes the latter one most. His manager thinks he’s a future 40 home run hitter and Gabe Kapler seems to know exactly what’s up. *hard cough* But forget about the power for a sec, Alec has multi-hit games in nine of his last 20 starts, and has hit safely in all but two games this month. He’s slashing .359/.400/.551 with three Bohm bombs and 14 RBI in September and that’s no joke! I almost wrote this lede about another scrubby Red Sox prospect, but I didn’t (you’re welcome!) because I noticed Bohm was a BUY and was still criminally under owned at less than 35%! What gives? He should have been scooped up in August. Bohm could be the dot, dot, dot…spark your team needs to dot, dot, dot…explode in your final week of fantasy. I’m sorry, I have t,–and you have to pick up Bohm and win your final week. This kid’s gonna be a star–ha-cha-cha!

Here’s what else I saw Friday night in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?