I’m going to take you all the way back to February of 2015. Rachel Dolezal was still black, Bruce Jenner was still a man, Donald Trump was still a floppy-haired airbag — a hairbag, if you will, Coach Taylor wasn’t yet a killer, Jon Snow was still a keeper of the wall, “on fleek” was still gibberish, gas cost only “eating a lentil salad with a side order of milkshake,” the White Sox lineup was “stacked,” Christian Yelich was still asking people to take him to see an R-rated film, the North Korean government just released their one movie a year, the 1985 classic, Just One Of The Guys, the Cardinals were looking at emails Jeff Luhnow sent to the CEO of Home Depot about getting custom-order ladder shoes for Altuve and Anthony Rendon was still a first round draft pick. We didn’t seem naive then, but apparently we were. Or were we?! Nice reversal, Grey! Rendon’s value right now is nowhere near where it could be in a month’s time. Right now, he’s interchangeable with Omar Infante, aka Hispanic Baby Omar aka HBO. There’s nothing at all exciting about Rendon. Prior to his injury, he looked like the new Cano (not the new old Cano, which is awful). Rendon looked capable of 25 HRs, 15 steals and a great batting average. The injuries in March took some of the luster away, but he’s also not suddenly garbage, which is about what you could trade to get him right now, which is exactly what I would do. Trade for him before he comes out of his wigwam like Jenner, Dolezal, Trump — Well, Trump’s wigwam is still on his head, but you get the picture. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Scooter Gennett – You’re probably looking at Scooter and thinking, “If the Brewers, a terrible team, demoted him, why should I believe he can come back and be productive?” You think a demotion is the toughest thing Scooter’s faced in his life? He goes by the name Scooter, for Allah’s sake!
Matt Duffy – In my MI slot, I rock rough and tough with my non-afro’d Duff. Hey, rock on with your bad self. By the by, Lady of Rage came out with a new album this year, Queen Kong, which sounds like an album title I’d be scared to ask her about.
Derek Dietrich – With Prado out for a few, Dietrich is ready for his closeup. Okay, wrong old-timey actress, but unless you’re a gay man over sixty, you don’t care.
Rougned Odor – What does Odor smell like? Plantains and Drakkar, why do you ask?
Luis Valbuena – He’s on pace for 30+ homers. Sure, it’s coming with an average that is having the Ghost of Tony Gwynn cover the Ghost of Charley Lau’s eyes, but power’s power, said the stutterer.
Dilson Herrera – I couldn’t get off the fence myself to grab and hold Dilson, but he does have power, speed and should hit for a decent average. The average, really, is the only thing that should be plus.
Jace Peterson – In May, Jace hit .282 with five steals. That’s a 30-steal pace. Oh, wait, we’re no longer in May. Okay, in June he’s hitting .300. In your Jace, suckas!
Miguel Sano – I didn’t think Buxton would come up so soon, so now everything’s fair game for the Twins. Manager Paul Molitor said, “Every day that goes by, (Sano)’s closer to getting here. That’s kind of a general answer, but whether it’s in a couple weeks or September, we’ve been looking for him to get consistency.” Trying to pin down Molitor is like trying to hold onto a suntan lotion bottle in a kiddie pool filled with Jell-O.
Wilmer Flores – Has been solid all year, and will be solid until the Mets do an inexplicable trade for an old shortstop. “So, you won’t take Syndergaard for Rollins?” “No, I would, but Rollins is on the Dodgers now. You called the wrong team.” “Hmm…”
Hector Olivera – Last week, I said something like, I’m going to highlight Lindor next Friday, unless he’s called up prior, then he was called up in two days. And that’s me paraphrasing me! So, this week I’m going to say I’m highlighting Olivera next Friday unless he’s called up sooner.
Juan Lagares – For as many middle infidel pickups as there are, there sure ain’t a ton of outfielders this week.
Chris Parmelee – Not sure how many of you watch the Next Food Network Star, but it’s painful. So much awkwardness, trainwreck TV. But that’s the good part! The painful part is when they’re doing well. Any the hoo! The Italian from Staten Island (it’s either Italians or blacks in Staten Island; might be the only place that’s like that outside of Sicily in 200 B.C.) made a timpano the other day. Basically, it’s a lasagna with a pie crust. I think I’m going to make that this weekend. Shizz was inspiring. I bring this up now because I have to go buy some Parmelee.
Kevin Pillar – Sticking with the ancient Italian theme, do you think when a guy walked into the Coliseum and saw a sexy woman with nice legs he’d say, “Nice pillars?”
Leonys Martin – We’re almost over 50% owned, people. Keep the buying going!
Robbie Ray – I don’t know why I like Ray so much– Okay, totally not true. I like him a lot because of his great minor league K-rate this year. In a few deep leagues, I’ve already grabbed him.
Chase Anderson – His ERA on the season is 2.84 and his WHIP is 1.15. Now look at Strasburg’s. Oy gevalt!
Steve Cishek – I get the sense that the Marlins are rudderless in everything they do, yet I also feel like they want Cishek to be the closer again. I’m stashing him in one league, but on my bench, just in case he gets the runs again.
Kevin Siegrist – Trevor Rosenthal could be fine, and so could you throwing out all of your clothes, except a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt that reads, “I Failed My SATs,” and has a drawing of a guy sitting down but missing a chair, but I’m worried about both Rosenthal and you.
Sonny Gray – No, not Sonny my boy! Ugh, it’s like I’m telling Sonny to drive into that tollbooth in The Godfather that looks like it exists on a lot somewhere in Hollywood or a set that Boardwalk Empire rejected. Seriously, The Godfather is obviously a great movie, but that tollbooth looks like the production designer took the day off or Coppola was bottling his olive oil that day and he let one of his goombahs direct that scene. The toll taker just ducks down? There’s 20 Uzis shooting! The car that’s blocking Sonny in leaves about 500 yards of empty space for Sonny to turn his car and drive away while they shoot the toll taker! Okay, that always bothered me and I have to use my MFA somewhere. Now, back to this Gray! Last year, he had a 3.08 ERA and he is pitching ever-so-slightly better this year, but he’s not pitching as well as his 1.60 ERA. I mean, that’s ridunk ridunk there’s a One-Eyed Willie treasure map in the trunk trunk. He’s more like a 3.00 ERA pitcher. So, I wouldn’t trade him for a ride home from a bar with John Stamos, but I would explore options.