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You’d think with a lineup featuring Prince Fielder, the Alfredo would go down fast and leave a mess for someone to clean up.  I mean, I know Fielder is a vegetarian so maybe there were too many meatballs?  How else can you explain it?  It wasn’t Sunday so ‘Any Given Sunday’ need not apply and Any Given Thursday just opens the door for all the days of the week to claim coincidence as its catch phrase.  We can’t have these things, there must be a reason!  Yeah, there are no reasons.  To the antithesis of all baseball nerd reasoning, Alfredo Simon pitched a complete game yesterday against a reasonably good Texas Rangers offense, only giving up one hit and two walks in the process while K’ing five in the shut out.  Alfredo was giving up 1.45 HR/9 to go with a .383 wOBA to lefties on the year going into last night and faced a team that had five reasonably good lefty bats in their lineup.  Let’s just stuff this one away in Gray’s Sports Almanac and move on with our lives without giving it a second thought, shall we?  Yes, let’s.  So without further ado, the guy who isn’t Grey will lead you through the rest of what he saw from yesterday for 2015 Fantasy Baseball…

Chris Archer – What, just because Archer had a more impressive complete game shut out, you expected him to be the lead?  Tigga please!  He’s 96.8% owned in ESPN leagues and I don’t think the 3.2% who don’t read this blog would read cuz I made him the lead.  He was able to glide through the Astros lineup to the tune of 11 K, FTW.  Phrasing, you say?  Alright, Archer was sterling.

Marlon Byrd – Was traded to the Giants for a relief pitcher.  Much like what Walt has done to Grey’s WS bet on the Reds this year, Jocketty is flipping the Byrd.  This frees up some outfield space for Jason Bourgeois and perhaps a Jesse Winker siting in September.  Outside of that, if you own Marlon, it’s probably a good time to drop him.  PS, that note is for both Byrd owners and Wayans brothers.

Marcell Ozuna Bae…Ozuna is back in style going for the slam & legs special, finishing the night going 2 for 4 with 2 runs and 2 RBIs.  There’s no monetary reason for Loria to futz with him again this year so pick up your doge-tionary and learn how you ‘Must Ozuna!’.

Martin Prado – Also went yard for the Marlins as Jerome Williams played the part of the reverse splits pinata he’s been all year.  Fun fact!  Jerome Williams backwards is Smailliw Emorej.  Hrm, that’s not really fun but it is a fact.  Better fun fact!  Start righty bats against him despite your natural inclination.

Chris Owings – In a battle for sublehmacy for middle infielders in Arizona,  Owings went 3/4 with a HR and 2 RBIs.  It was against a lefty in a righty favorable park and he gets another lefty today.  I heard that slide flute, you calm down mister!

Charlie Morton – Went 6.2 IP, K’ing 8 while not giving up a run for the win as the Pirates went on to shut down the Giants.  Much like Simon’s start, there was no good reason to think this would go as well as it did and yet it did.  Much like that Frozen song about eating bean burritos and being trapped in an elevator with your GF’s parents, let it go.  Sorry if that’s inaccurate, I don’t have kids to force me into watching that movie.

Starling Marte – After opening the season looking like he was gonna go 30/30, Marte has slowed dramatically to return to what we were all expecting: a near 15/30 season.  After nabbing 2 more bases on Thursday, he’s on pace for 19/33.  Yup.

Alex Rodriguez – Gets the Denny’s senior citizen’s discount for his own slam and legs going 2/4 in the Yankees loss.  Seriously, how do we not have a Denny’s sponsorship at this point?  I mean, I won’t drink their coffee but I’m all about the Grand Slam Slugger meal.  Grey, get the Cougs on the rotary phone and make this happen!

Miguel Sano – Hit his 10th HR on the year, going 2/4 with a walk, 3 runs, and 3 RBI while doing his best to make you draft him too high in 2016.  He’s 22 and strikes out 34% of the time.  To put that number in perspective, Chris Carter Ks 33% of the time in 2015.  I know, I know, slide flute down sound.  Obviously still a great keeper option, just don’t overpay in 2016, folks.

Joe Mauer – Goes 1/3 with 2 runs as he tries to prove that corners without power are still worthwhile in fantasy.  He’s losing the fight.  I can’t take an hour on the tower of Mauer, personally.

Kurt Suzuki – Went 3/5 with with 2 RBIs and 2 runs as the Twins demolished the Orioles, scoring 15 runs.  Name a Twin and I’ll describe a good day.  Eduardo Escobar?  Check.  Trevor Plouffe?  Check.  Byron Buxton?  Ha, Ticker Tease!  Ok, 1/6 with a run isn’t the worst thing to happen but it wasn’t what you were expecting from the leadoff hitter from the team with 15 runs.  I stand by my Buxton Bias and double down at this point.

Jake McGee – For those worried about Brad Boxberger losing his closing role to McGee, your fears can subside…about Jake doing it, I mean.  McGee may still be the bee’s knees but deez knees needz season ending surgery…z.  Imagine if Pat Boone didn’t stop at trying to ruin metal and tried his hand at freestyle?  You just got a mental taste of me spitting hot fire, friends; savor it.  This bumps Xavier Cedeno and Steve Geltz up the bullpen depth chart and that’s the order I’d grab them in if I were stumping for some saves.

John Lamb – The line won’t look as pretty as it could’ve but John mostly shut down the Diamondbacks on Thursday, going 5 and 1/3 before giving up his final 2 runs while striking out 8.  Lefties sometimes take time to develop and hit the majors so I wouldn’t silence this Lamb for future stream possibilities.

Mark Teixeira – Remained out of the lineup on Thursday due to to a bone bruise while Greg Bird continued to man first.  Doctor Thorogood was unavailable for comment on just how bad to the bone the bruise was but it sounds like Bird could go from sitting pretty on the perch to a canary in a coalmine in a hurry.

Josh Tomlin – Held the Yankees to just one run over seven innings while striking out 6 and earning the win.  Have you ever seen the movie Multiplicity?  If you have, think of Tomlin as Doug Kinney #4.  To clarify, Corey Kluber is Doug Kinney, Carlos Carrasco is copy #2, Danny Salazar is copy #3 and Trevor Bauer is a copy of Nuke Laloosh (planned for Multiplicity 2: Electric Baueraloo).  Moving forward, I could see starting Josh in the right matchups but I wouldn’t be scrambling to grab him after this start.

Anthony Rizzo – Went 1/3 with his 24th HR, driving in three RBIs off rookie arm Mike Foltinewicz.  Folty – as I call him because I’m too lazy to pronounce nor type more than three consonants often – gave up 7 ER but also K’d 6 through 4.2 IP.  Wanna know what Folty reminds me of?  A young Scherzer.  Power fastball, lack of control and all the talent in the world.  Will he harness it?  Well, 2015 isn’t the time to decide but I can promise you he’ll a sleeper on a million sites heading into 2016.

Junichi Tazawa – Earned his second save in a row after Boston had initially declared Jean Machi the closer when Tazawa crapped on my RCL Perts stats and forced me to drop him.  Don’t cry for me Argentina, I had Tommy Kahnle go in for the finishing move later.  I’m all better now in a ‘you can’t kill me, I’m already dead’ kind of way.

Hector Olivera – Returned to the Atlanta AAA lineup on Thursday which sounds like I’m making fun of the Braves lineup (and I kinda am) but I really mean he returned to their AAA affiliated team.  Grey put Hector down as a buy as recently as last Friday (which unless you’re referring to the movie was a mere 7 days ago) and I stand by his assessment if you’re in need of corner infielder help at ESPN or a sanity check on whether you can spell his name right on Yahoo…yeah, he doesn’t exist there.

Tyler Duffey – Went 7.2 IP while striking out 10 and walking none while giving up 10 hits that lead to 2 ERs in the win over Minnesota.  I see Tyler the same way as I see Scuzzlebutt and his Patrick Duffy leg, i.e. there ain’t nothing real here.  Stream at your own risk.

Yohan Flande – Won the pitching duel in Coors vs Max Scherzer.  Say that five more times and it still won’t make sense to you.  Both the Rockies and the Nationals offense have been softer than pillsbury dough of late.  Streaming against them in any environment outside of anti-gravity chambers might be the best for you.

A.J. Pollock – Went 3/4 with an RBI and a steal as he slowly but surely becomes the cheap Starling Marte that Grey dreamed of in his Cryogenic chamber way back when in his A.J. Pollock Sleeper post.  I’d talk up my Diamondback sleeper post here but Rubby De La Rosa just ain’t doing it right now.

John Axford – Earned the save in his return to the closer role going an inning while striking out the side, albeit with a walk and a hit.  As a former Axford owner this year, enjoy a couple of saves, a lot of heartache, and alot more whip/ERA inflation down the road.

Anibal Sanchez – Will go on the 15 day DL with right rotator cuff inflammation which surely read as ‘slight rotisserie ERA inflation’ by his owners.  He has a 4.99 ERA this year, so really the only reason to talk about him was the bad joke in the first sentence.  Carry on.

Patrick Corbin – Went just 2 innings, giving up 8 hits while giving up 4 ER.  If you were enjoying his return from TJS, stop it.  This kind of thing takes time and I’d play Corbin Bernsen at 3rd before I played Patrick at this point.

Eugenio Suarez – Went 3/4 with 2 RBIs from the two spot to follow up his 2/4 with an RBI from Wednesday.  He’s the hottest of middle infielders or in deep league thoughts speak, your number one waiver wire choice.  There’s nothing to fall in love with here.  Much like Bill Hicks would tell you, it’s just a ride.  Enjoy it, don’t take it too seriously, and feel free to hop off when it’s no longer fun.  Oooh and personal note, make sure to buy an elephant ear!  They’re the best!

Aaron Altherr – Scored a run while going 1/4 with a double and a walk.  Wanna know what prospect could be your OF5 down the stretch and play like an OF3?  This guy.  Wait, no, not me.  I mean the guy bolded at the start of this blurb.  Y’all take me too literally, therein lies the first problem.

Jose Abreu – Put his 49.3% GB rate to the max, producing 3 RBIs from a mere 1/5 night.  This takes me back to a simpler time when I told you not to draft Danny Santana nor Kennys Vargas while simultaneously telling you not to overdraft The Grande Dolor due to BABIP Regression Fairies.  OK, Grey added the fairies.  He’s like the John Woo of fantasy baseball but replaces the doves with people smaller than him (but just barely).

Miguel Cabrera – Went 2/2 with 2 walks, 2 singles and 2 runs scored with an RBI.  Really had zero reason to type any of that other than people keep trying to tell me Mike Trout is the best hitter in baseball and then I see him go 0/4 with 4 Ks and fart while laughing.  We’re all gonna be feeling very Cinderella when the time comes…

Guido Knudson – Got called up by the Tigers yesterday to target the apparently large Scan-douche-navian population in Detroit that appreciates GTL and covering everything with lingonberry jam.