Grey

Pulling Upton My Big Boy Pants, They Need A Justin

June 21, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 1,076 Comments

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The love has been sucked out of the room for Justin Upton. His fantasy value went skydiving. After it went Rocky Mountain climbing. He went from totally chic to totally geek in 2.7 seconds on the back of a bull named “You, Man, Are Phooey.” (Where I grew up bulls had thoroughbred-like horse names.) If we can all remember back to April, with her freckles– Oh, wait, was thinking of the wrong April. I meant the month. *embarrassed Lisa Simpson giggle* In April, Upton look the world by the nuts and put a roof over every homeless person’s head. Turned out that those roofs were just sheets of matzoh and they got soggy during a rain-out in May. May you’re supposed to bring flowers! Upton’s HR/FB in April wasn’t maintainable (38.7%) and his badonkadonks flattened. He’s also not a 1 homer per month guy. On our last 30-day Player Rater, he has a -$7 value. That’s the same as Sugar Shane Robinson and Pedro Flori-none and Lyle Overbite. That’s not even near Upton’s value. His owners are panicked. Was Upton a one month guy? If he’s healthy, he’s not. He’s just slumping. This is a guy that regularly touched .800 OPS and is now barely cracking .550. I see no reason why he can’t be a 5-homer, .280 hitter every month for the rest of the year with a handful of steals. If someone has him and is sick from his roller coaster ride, I’d strap myself in sans barf bag and trade for him. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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See all of today’s starting lineups

# MLB Starting Lineups For Wed 8/6
ARI | ATH | ATL | BAL | BOS | CHC | CHW | CIN | CLE | COL | DET | HOU | KC | LAA | LAD | MIA | MIL | MIN | NYM | NYY | PHI | PIT | SD | SEA | SF | STL | TB | TEX | TOR | WSH | OAK
LT Murray IV

Mike Trout: Baseball’s Version of LeBron James

June 21, 2013 | Points Leagues | 68 Comments

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Oh there’s a shindig goin down in Miami ya’ll! Part of me feels like I should hop on the next flight down there bringing only my man-kini, penis pump, rabbit-fur coat, white Stacy Adams, one pair of snakeskin pants, and 3 Armani Exchange bro-tops. My manhood has been requested back in Miami now for some time and with my favorite player, LeBron “The High King” James, leading his Miami Heat to back-to-back Championships, I can’t think of an acceptable reason to say no. Especially when I think about the time Pat Riley and I, Chinese finger trapped Chris Bosh’s wife. A$$ for days playas! By the way, Bosh scored 0 points in game 7.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Benoit Is Joaquin To The Head Of The Line

June 21, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 506 Comments

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When I told you to pick up Joaquin Benoit yesterday, I was 85% sure he would close games until the Tigers traded for Papelbon, who will be known in Detroit as a Papelbonneville. Then, because Leyland reads Razzball between smokes, he named Benoit closer by not naming him the closer. He said, “I’m not naming anybody closer. I’m just saying if Benoit was available right now, I would try to close with him.” Thanks for clarifying! Managers deciding on a closer is like debating euthanasia. Valverde’s done, pull the plug! The Yelp reviews for Benoit are through the roof, but there’s a lot of five star reviews from fantasy baseballers with only one other closer. I’d grab Benoit in all leagues and hope he can hold the job and make the thought of trading for Papelbonneville absurd. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Paulie Allnuts

Jangling Around Gently As You Move

June 20, 2013 | Y to Z | 47 Comments

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Six Rules for a Happy Life
1. Avoid fried meats, which angry up the blood.
2. If your stomach disputes you, lie down and pacify it with cool thoughts.
3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
4. Go very lightly on vices such as carrying on in society. The social ramble ain’t restful.
5. Avoid running at all times.
6. Don’t look back, something may be gaining on you.

Leroy “Satchel” Paige was almost universally regarded as the greatest pitcher of the Negro Leagues. Some of his pitching records are awesome indeed. They include pitching 64 consecutive scoreless innings, 21 straight wins, and a 31-4 record in 1933. Along with his teammate Josh Gibson, Paige helped lead the Kansas City Monarchs to five Negro American League pennants.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Smokey

Bullpen Report

June 20, 2013 | Closers, Middle Relievers | 53 Comments

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So, the eventuality of Chris Perez’s return to the back end of the Indians bullpen has hit a not foreseen bump in the road. I bet he blames this on his dog also. I mean it had to be Fido getting lit up in the minor leagues and Fido’s fault for his shoulder to not be up to snuff after his stint on the DL. I mean everyone has blamed their homework on the poor species, but now…well you get the gist. So Vinnie and the Italian Jets are in a hold mode on your roster; is it just me or does Perez’s return feel like opening a present on Christmas and you already got it from someone else. I mean, who needs two Blu-Ray copies of Mannequin 2? So I am predicting a semi longer DL stint for Perez and then a return, followed up by another DL stint. Predicting is fun, especially when you get judged by a group of your peers, persecuted for it, and then banished to the basement with no food or drink for a week. Enjoy this week’s tidbits.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Terse

Nobody Beats the Rizzo — Pre-Deadline Keeper Push

June 20, 2013 | fantasy baseball keepers | 85 Comments

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Today I had jury duty for the very first time. As a lot of you know, that means I sat in a room doing literally nothing for eight hours hearing about some guy who accidentally burnt himself, while I’m sitting there wishing the trial was actually for a drug-deal-gone-bad-quadruple-homicide. After about five hours I was simply staring at the hottest fellow juror because at that point I no longer cared what she or anyone else in the room thought of me. As you might assume, all the time I didn’t spend making phony racist assertions and promising that in no way will I be a fair judge, I was fantasizing about fantasy baseball. It was the only thing that kept me from scratching my eyes out, God of War combo-punching everyone, and subsequently getting shot in the face by a security guard, which now seems like it might have been the best course of action because I have to go back tomorrow. “Who the hell is Yoervis Medina and why did he get a save last night?” “Excuse me, sir, phone usage is discouraged.” “LOL, yeah.” In a way, the entire day’s proceedings were eerily similar to a lost fantasy season — as time went on, things seemed bleaker, time moved slower, and windows seemed more appealing. Even if this season is a jury duty of a season, don’t let next year’s be. That’s why we have our beloved keepers — guys on whom we develop creepy man-crushes and who symbolize hope.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Nat-Gio Left Hanging Like Tribal Boobs

June 20, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 982 Comments

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If you found us from Google due to this title, you might want National Geographic or an African safari forum where discussion quickly turns into a story about how ‘your old lady doesn’t let you watch scary movies.’ Here, when we say our ‘old lady,’ we’re not using a euphemism for a wife. It’s for my fiancee. Gio Gonzalez had a throwback to the days of wine and roses. The wine being anything but Boone’s. The roses being McGowan. He went seven innings and didn’t give up a hit past the first inning with only 4 baserunners and 11 Ks vs. the Phils and Kyle Kendrick (7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks). This was a battle between two teams you think are good offensively, but are not. The Bryceless Nats couldn’t score for Gonzalez and needed an Ian Desmond grand slam in the eleventh to win. This no decision was Gio’s 7th in his last 8 starts — c’mon, Gio, make up your mind. Or console yourself with a QS, Gio! This was a nice start after I had reservations about his falling K-rate and rising walk rate. Again, it was the Phils, so I wouldn’t just accept he’s back to last year’s tricks. It’s an illusion! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Scott Evans

Prospect Power Rankings, Week 11

June 19, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Prospects | 93 Comments

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As expected, the passing of the Super Two deadline has decimated our list here. Six of our previous top ten are gone. Poof. That means lots of turnover. We’ve got a new number one and we’ve got some guys making big moves up the board. The overall upside of the list has sunk for obvious reasons, but there’s still plenty of fantasy help looming in the minor leagues. Also, notice two exciting names in the Next Five group — Gary Brown is on fire at Triple-A, finally unlocking some of his five-tool potential, and Archie Bradley continues to pitch too damn well to be ignored.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
JB Gilpin

DraftKings – Upping The Ante For Razzball Nation

June 19, 2013 | DraftKings | 28 Comments

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Breaking news! The MLB season is doubling the season to 324 games.  There will now be 8 bases.  In the new Star Wars movies the character will be renamed Han Duet.

So doubling things doesn’t always work, but it does for some things – like a double cheeseburger becomes a quadruple and getting to second base would be, well, that much better in high school.  And it also works for our RAZZBALL EXCLUSIVE CAN YOU BEAT RUDY GAMBLE contest hosted by our friends at DraftKings returning back to Friday night.  This week the entry is $10, but the prize pool so much more cheddar-y.  The top spot gets entry into the biggest DraftKings contest we’ve won tickets into to date – their huge $500,000 Midsummer Classic where the top spot nabs $125 large.  Not only that, but 600 spots will get paid!  For our contest, the entries are limited to 30 total (up to two per person) and spots 2-10 will double-up to $20.  That’s enough to sing about having in your pocket.  Good luck this week!

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Zack And Matt Make A Porno

June 19, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 954 Comments

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The afternoon started with Matt Harvey. He pitched a stellar 7 innings with 13 Ks, but Terry Collins sent him out there in the 8th after throwing 110 pitches, which lead to two singles and a walk, three runners that the bullpen let in. After the game, Collins said, “I felt bad for Duda (who blew a chance for a Harvey no-hitter by not covering first base on Heyward’s infield single). I couldn’t let Duda make the only Metsake of the game. I was going to keep pitching Harvey until he screwed up. He’d have started the nightcap, if necessary.” Fortch, it wasn’t necessary, as the nightcap brought on Zack Wheeler‘s debut with a line of 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks. To summarize, it was shaky as all get-out at first. He looked like he couldn’t hit the broadside of Precious. Then he either calmed, or realized something — if he could locate, no one could hit him. He can easily be as good as Harvey, but I’m guessing it won’t be until next year. Last night was the best you could’ve hoped for. To summarize that summary, he was shaky, then solid. To summarize the summary’s summary, Zack good. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

The Razzball Podcast — The One Where Rudy Unveils The Machine

June 18, 2013 | All Podcasts | 556 Comments

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Hello, Razzball nation, welcome back for another fantasy baseball podcast where Nick and I talk about cruise ships. If that doesn’t help you win your league, you may never. I’m sorry, knowing which countries Nick used to visit when he was a cruise ship director is dire shizz. Think of it this way: do you go with Nick Franklin or Josh Rutledge? Look at the Player Rater or the Hitter-Tron? Or go by Nick’s tales of the high seas? Think the answer is pretty obvious here. I’m told there was fantasy baseball talk on the rest of the show, but first a stand-up comic and stylist to pro athletes, Robert Jodoin, joined Nick as the first ever in-studio guest. They discussed what type of athletes want what type of clothes (surprise: hockey players like flannel). Also, Robert is officially available to Razzball Nation as a style consultant. He’ll help pick out what blazer to wear with your sweatpants. Then, Rudy and Nick discussed how the combination of Rudy’s tools are now affectionately being called “The Machine.” (I thought this was Andre the Giant in a mask, but Nick says, “Watch an episode of Person of Interest.” I don’t know what that is, but I’m gonna assume it’s something you watch. Context clues!) And how The Machine likes Travis Snider and John Danks. Who took The Machine to Tijuana and messed up its circuits with tequila? Let’s just say, the Hitter-Tron is a bad influence. Oh, and Nick sold the studio sponsorship to a divorce lawyer in Dallas. In related news, I may get married in Dallas to save myself some legwork. Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with a fashion stylist — are we E?):

Please, blog, may I have some more?