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¡Hola! Me llamo es Gris. ¡Bienvenido! Hoy en el SuperMercado Barridos tenemos una venta especial. The Bumblebee Man runs through screaming, “¡ESPECIAL!” ¡Gracias, Señor Miel! Ahora, cuando digo ir, tienes que correr por el SuperMercado y encontrar un bateador que te pueda dar poder y velocidad. “¡ESPECIAL!” Okay, Señor Miel, eso es suficiente. “¡ESPECIAL!” Rápidamente se está volviendo claro por qué te vas a extinguir. “¡ESPECIAL” ¡Hayzeus Cristo, callate la boca, tienes tiempo sexy con tu madre! So, Oscar Mercado has 8 homers, 20 steals and a .305 average in 59 games, which is, ya know, your standard top 10 outfielder pace of 22/54/.300. You didn’t know he played that many games? Well, because he didn’t. I was combining his Triple-A and major league numbers, but, with how the ball is jumping out of stadiums, I think that’s fair. Don’t agree? Don’t care. Mercado is ESPECIAL! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Roberto Perez – When I’m telling you to buy Roberto Perez, we are officially through the looking glass, and, once we pass through the glass, we turn around and there’s a pressed ham up against the glass.
Jake Bauers – The clock is ticking on Jake Bauers. He’s been dog-eared already as a 2020 sleeper. Can he defeat the non-descript Eastern European terrorists who are trying to blowing up his fantasy value? Can he save his daughter? Will he get road rage because he didn’t have his morning coffee? This is going to be the longest episode of 24 ever!
Ryan McMahon – It’s so Rockiesque to play Ryan McMahon at 2nd base with his defense the way it is. He has the range of Tom Arnold conked out on goofballs. However, he has been hitting.
Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – Continue to tell you to pick him up and no one will pick him up, so Lourdes of the underground will stay underground! Boom chaka lacka there goes the chief rocka!
Luis Urias – Already gave you my Luis Urias fantasy. It was written while checking out Djibouti, an East African strip club.
Scooter Gennett – Have we discussed how Scooter might’ve been Wally Pipp’d by Dietrich? Maybe he’ll be traded. I hear the Reds could use *checks notes* everything. I kid, they’re actually not that bad, though some of their trades are suspect. Can they trade Scooter for Matt Kemp?
Cavan Biggio – He’s hit for some power here and there, you know the deal. On a related note, what the hell is a Cavan? It sounds like a tapas restaurant. “Would you like some of our sangria? It’s a Cavan favorite.” *Craig Biggio jots down Cavan on a napkin* Craig looks up, “Maybe, if we have a daughter we can name her Sangria.”
Scott Kingery – Something I’ve been meaning to say that I’ve said numerous times before. In the preseason, everyone’s like, “Yo, Grey, handsome as usual, did you see so-and-so is hitting leadoff? Could be huge.” Then once the season starts, people ignore how important it is where a guy is batting. And that’s me paraphrasing you paraphrasing me! Kingery has been hitting third, that is huge.
Kevin Newman – Member when the Pirates gave minor league deals out to two guys who won a reality show in India just for publicity? It’s true, not kidding. So, with that in mind, it would not surprise me if the Pirates were hoping for publicity from Seinfeld fans by having Kevin Kramer and Kevin Newman.
Brendan Rodgers – Just went over my Brendan Rodgers fantasy. It was written on the back of a can of soup.
Jorge Soler – Is owned in 33% of ESPN leagues. Has 20 homers. I will now cackle into a drive-thru car wash while riding a mop dressed to look like a horse.
Bryan Reynolds – You know what’s cool and kind of crazy? “Skydiving from 35 feet up?” No, but good guess. “Wanting to become a straitjacket model?” No, that’s just crazy. “Putting shoes on a broom so you can put faint footprints on your ceiling to freak out your significant other?” No, just let me finish. It’s cool and crazy that the Pirates have been playing Reynolds and benching Polanco.
Ramon Laureano – April made him look like Nadir Bupkis, but ever since then he’s been a top 50 outfielder. “So in a ten team league with five OFs, he’s ownable?” Yes, you math genius.
Zac Gallen – Just gave you my Zac Gallen fantasy. I wrote it while leading a funeral procession through a drive-thru. I also gave you my Jordan Yamamoto fantasy, for completists out there.
Adbert Alzolay – Just went over Alzolay this morning. I bet if you use your scrolly finger you can find it. I have faith in you!
Zach Plesac – Like I’m sitting on my hands, I’m warming up to the Zach Plesac, but this a Streamonator call. Like the call it makes to a radio station to request “anything sad.”
Michael Pineda – This also a Streamonator call. “Maybe play some Peabo Bryson, then stay on the phone to chat?”
Hansel Robles – Has a near-9 K/9, a 1.02 WHIP and is the Angels closer. I’d go out on a pretty sturdy limb and say he has been more valuable this year than that other Robles in Washington.
Taylor Rogers – Okay, you goofbutts, Taylor Rogers is the closer in Minnesota. Ya know, the team with the best AL record, i.e., he will get saves. I before E except in Teixiera, own him!
John Gant – His numbers (7-0, 3 saves, 1.58 ERA) bring up so many questions. All of his stats read like a reason why you don’t draft middle relievers anywhere but the last rounds, why wins are stupid and how did Ron Gant have a super white kid?
Liam Hendriks – Blake Treinen looks like he’s headed for an Ineffective List stint or has misinterpreted what a Rolaids Relief Man Award means and is trying to give everyone indigestion.
SELL
Andrew Benintendi – Did I love Benintendi in the preseason? Yes. That’s almost as easy to answer as the Buzzfeed IQ test: 1. Who let the dogs out? A) Who B) Who C) Who D) All of the Above. Unlike the most unanswerable question your significant other always asks you: Honey, who’s that actor I like? We’re in sad times times (stutterer!) three. Benintendi’s numbers are so off that I’m worried about him officially, and wonder if he’s going to have a lost season. Bear with me (or bare, if you’re a naturist): His line drives are down; fly balls are up, but he doesn’t hit dongers he hits dinkers; his Ks have skyrocketed; his BABIP is up and he’s still barely hitting .265, and he doesn’t have blazing speed to make up for any of this. The runs and RBIs in that lineup are nice, but if you can go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and find a decent trade for him, I would. I would not sell him to be a fly on the wall to hear a doctor ask someone with amnesia, “Have you ever had amnesia before?”
