This is a true story. Pamela Anderson has an identical twin sister, and when Pam went to Hollywood to seek fame and fortune, her twin, Peggy, stayed behind in Minnesota. That part everyone knows. The part less people know is Peggy followed nearly all of Pam’s career moves, but in Minnesota. Peggy starred in a Minnesota-based TV show, Lakewatch, she took off her clothes for the Minnesota rag, The Viking, and she filmed a sex tape with Chris Mars. Sadly, the people of Minnesota canceled Lakewatch to show more Paul Molitor car commercials. The people of Minnysota asked Peggy to “Please put on a sweater” in The Viking, and Chris Mars was hung like a California Raisin. Peggy, like so many things Minnesota gets its hard Norwegian hands on, disappeared from people’s consciousness. Now replace Peggy with Aaron Hicks, replace Pamela Anderson with A.J. Pollock and imagine they’re related. When Hicks first came up, people thought he was going to be better than Pollock. No, not dumb people. In Double-A, Hicks had 12 homers, 32 steals and a .285 average. Then strikeouts enveloped his game in the majors and he hit .192 with a 27% K-rate in 2013, and hit .215 with a 25% K-rate in 2014, but this year, .277 and a 17% K-rate! That’s a huge improvement. That’s what she said! What? Oh, and he’s only 25 years old. Right now, he has 6 homers and 9 steals, so the power/speed combo hasn’t disappeared like Peggy Anderson, but the K-rate has. I’d own Hicks in all leagues, and am starting to prep myself for him to be a sleeper for 2016. As long as David Wasslewoff, Peggy’s old co-star, doesn’t try to coerce him into revamping the Lakewatch series. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Arodys Vizcaino – We’re gonna pound out SAGNOF real quick, so hold onto your hat. Oops, sorry, didn’t realize that was your hair.
Alex Wilson – What do you need to subsist? Food, water and SAGNOF. Everything else is for children and puppies.
Tommy Kahnle – Walt Weiss hasn’t named a closer yet, but he also hasn’t named a 1st baseman and we’re over a 100 games into this whirlybird.
Roberto Osuna – Y’all a bunch of Robert De Niros in Awakenings with your reaction time. Osuna’s been the closer for six weeks, grab him!
Robbie Ray – Okay, let’s bang out some Stream-o-Nator picks real quick. Michael Montgomery looks solid, The Cobbler, Shoemaker, should likely just be owned and Ray’s got me like Dwayne, “Hey, hey, hey.”
Patrick Corbin – If someone was turned off by his last start and dropped him, I’d grab him, in the non-sexual way, because he had looked good up until that point.
Jonathan Gray – Don’t love him due to Coors being the worst place on earth for a pitcher — like a reverse Snapple, if, uh, Snapple were a stadium — but I’m kinda excited to see what Gray can do in Metco this Monday. Wait, I’m gonna be in Metco this Monday? Okay, that’s news to me.
Welington Castillo – Where’s the boeuf?! *looks at Castillo’s last two weeks stats* There’s the boeuf!
Travis d’Arnaud – Hasn’t done a ton since he returned, but he has a Frenchy name and you know those French are good at baseball! “Pierre, did you see my baguette? It’s time for me to adjourn to the plate to take my licks.”
Ryan Howard – Sure, Danny Glover would be the right person to play Howard in a movie about his life, but he has been hitting recently and he’s apparently not too old for this sh*t.
Hector Olivera – I’m thinking I’m gonna have to make Olivera the lede buy next week, because it’s almost that time. What time you say? Time to get busy! *does the Roger Rabbit*
Yangervis Solarte – To the tune of Dean Martin’s Volare, “Solarte…. Whoa oh… Can’t-hit-hard-eh? Whoa oh… Is a hot schmotato, aren’t he? Whoa oh…”
Asdrubal Cabrera – There’s been no one hotter than Asdrubal, and hotter and hitter are only one letter difference, I, and there’s no I in Asdrubal. Coincidence? No, read the signs!
Jose Ramirez – Recently, the Hitter-Tron was filming a music video like D’Angelo for metal groupies everywhere, but when it had a chance, it said it liked Ramirez.
Delino DeShields – He has 18 steals in 71 games. He had 83 steals in one year in the minors in only 111 games. He’s likely a tad behind Dee Gordon and Billy Hamilton, but not much. Like if he had John Niese’s nose he’d edge them out in a race.
Chase Headley – JayWrong is currently making pancakes and taking names on the fantasy football side of things, but if he were here, he’d tell you Chase Headley has never been in a sex dream of his that didn’t work out well for everyone involved.
Jake Lamb – Lamb hasn’t been baaaaaaahd, and, unlike Yasmany, he holds his glove like it’s well-shorn, but, damb, was Tomas that bad to get the Lamb chop?
Richie Shaffer – Because I like to do things literally, I grabbed Shaffer the other day as I wore wet OP bathing trunks.
Francisco Lindor – Crazy how hard I have to work to get you to pick this guy up. Cut to: “Cougs, bring me another daiquiri! And, Intern, write a blurb for another player!” Like really hard work here, guys and five girl readers.
Tyler Saladino – This doode falls into the category of guys I don’t even necessarily love, but own on multiple teams. Teams that are sucking. No, no, Random Italicized Voice. One of those teams is doing well. The one where you have Saladino on the bench. Shut up, Random Italicized Voice. Shut don’t go up, but Price does to Toronto.
Corey Seager – I just gave you my Corey Seager fantasy. It was written while riding on a pony at a zoo.
Michael Taylor – I nearly didn’t put Taylor on here because Denard will be returning shortly and Taylor might find himself squeezed for playing time. Then again, Werth could hurt himself walking with purpose to the Gatorade jug.
Michael Bourn – At some point soon, Bourn will remember his identity and go back to sucking, but he’s currently hot.
Domonic Brown – Let’s move on quickly before Tehol becomes aroused.
Ender Inciarte – Because you people need shizz spoon-fed to you sometimes and I was presumably cast in the role of Mary Poppins, on our Player Rater, Ender has been around the 50th best outfielder this year. Five outfielders on a team, 12 teams in a league. Please, don’t make me do the math for you, my solar abacus is in the shop.
SELL
Joe Panik – Since the trading deadline has passed in many leagues, as of this week, I’m now going to be naming players to drop in some mixed leagues. No, I’m not changing the title, because a post called the “Buy/Drop” sounds stupid. Panik could come back from the DL and be fine, but you can likely find his production elsewhere if you don’t have DL room for him.
Joc Pederson – I need just the right emoji for being depressed by Pederson. Hmm, how about a floating goldfish? Maybe a kitten walking into a burning building? Well, I don’t know, but I know it’s sad. I love him in keepers and long term, but if you throw out April and May, he’s hitting an un-robust .191 with 8 homers and zero steals. Oy gevalt!
Matt Holliday – I told you not draft this schmohawk and now I’m telling you to drop him. I think Eminem would call this cleaning out yo’ closet. Uh-oh, I feel a rhyme coming on… Holliday hit some, but his average was I-don’t-knows, plus he had his usual health woes. OZUNA goes 1-for-2 in Triple-A Who Knows. How long do I have to wait, hourglass? Hourglass, my ass, that’s a Sandoval. He’s been so cold, for that, they have a Scoville? My dyslexia got me thinking he’s my “ain vill,” and owning him was taking on the head an Acme Corporation anvil. Anyone would better maybe. Singing sweet baby, they’re saying, “You related to Macy Gray?” No, the first name is Grey. Property Virgins only filmed in Canada, eh?
