Sure, these aren’t your slightly older brother’s Yankees. Even Mel Hall would roll over in his Aryan cellmate’s arms if you were to compare these Yankees with the early-90’s Yankees. Still… Again and this time put a little sting on it… STILL! Mr. DeMille, Matt Moore looks ready for his close-up as he announced, “I am big. It’s the other pitchers that got small.” The Yankees can usually take a walk, and Moore’s on the wild side when the guys and four girl readers go, ‘Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.’ Yesterday, Moore only gave up two hits and three walks through eight innings while chipping in nine Ks. His season ERA now sits at 1.04. Sure, that’s gonna come up a bit, but I ranked him 16th overall for all starters for a reason. That reason is his stuff is nasty. Nasty as in good not nasty as in bad with that bad not being bad bad, he’s good bad. Kapeesh? Looking for a pitcher then can give you 200 Ks and a 2-something ERA then look at Strasburg. Looking for a guy that can get you the same amount of Ks and a low-three ERA, but will come a lot cheaper in a trade? That’s all the Moore reason. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jason Heyward – Might be out a week-plus after having his appendix removed. There’s no timetable yet. A few years ago Adam Dunn took five days to return from having his appendix removed. A few years before that the Twins took six years to remove their appendix (Nick Punto). Reed Johnson and Jordan Schafer will fill-in while Jay-Hey’s eating Jell-o and watching daytime talk shows. Oh, no, he di’int!
Ryan Roberts – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and 2 homers. Douches are wild! Oops, I meant deuces. We shouldn’t judge a book by his neck tattoos.
Yunel Escobar – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Rudy and I have now started Yunel for two games this year and we have two homers from him. We’ve poached Yunel and made him our Escabeche.
Shaun Marcum – Sounds like he’ll be good to go for next Saturday vs. the Phils. He’s about as yawnstipating as they come, but I’d start him in most games in Metco.
Brett Myers – As frequent commenter Wake Up said, “Myers was diagnosed with a tear of the UCL in his right elbow. It is being reported that this is the type of injury that is associated with having to tell her twice.”
Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA is at 1.85. I get the feeling that he’s going to have a solid season, but I just don’t think I have the stomach to pick him up. I do have the stomach to pick up quarters. Washboard, baby!
Conor Gillaspie – 2-for-3 with his 1st homer. The Gilla’ monster likes to inhabit in hot corners and if you get too close to him he’s venomous to your fantasy team.
Carlos Ruiz – Went for a 2nd set of X-rays after being hit by a pitch last Friday. His first set of X-rays were hard to read because Ruiz can’t sit still without Adderall. The 2nd set of X-rays proved conclusive his wrist is fine, but dude needs a serious chill pill.
Jonathan Pettibone – 5 1/3, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (zero BBs), 6 Ks. Roget’s defines a pettibone as an act when our settlers got frisky with their women and didn’t bother to remove their petticoats. Pettibone, the pitcher, was called up to take Lannan’s spot in the order. Charlie Manuel said, “Lannan’s got bedroom furniture on his front lawn with no Yard Sale sign so Pettibone’s gonna turn on the lights and feed the cats for a while.” In NL-Only leagues, Pettibone is an immediate pick up, but so is any 7th inning man as you pray for vulture wins. Our prospect writer, Scott, said, “Pettibone had a nice year between Double and Triple-A, posting a 3.10 ERA and a 1.21 WHIP. He’s a big dude (6-5, 200), but he relies on plus command, as his stuff doesn’t blow anyone away. Pettibone projects as a back-end, innings eating starter. As for Grey, he’s a back-end, pillow eating–” Hey! I didn’t remember that last line. So, that’s also exactly what I’d say about Pettibone. He’s not interesting right now for mixed leagues outside of certain match-ups.
Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer in the last 5 games. Pedro from Pittsburgh isn’t going to hit for a great average, but right now he’s at .150. He’ll hit better than that.
Russell Martin – 2-for-3 with a solo homer. He’s hitting .450 over the last week. It rhymes with bhat laredo and it used to sleep with Alyssa Milano.
Matt Adams – Scratched due to oblique tightness. In the Old West, they would’ve said Adams’s ‘girdle is nagging.’
Carlos Martinez – Some have speculated that he could be called up to help in the bullpen. The site speculating on Martinez’s promotion had a lead article yesterday titled, “Foot Fetish Thursday.” I swear to you. Eh, I’m not hatin’ I’m procreatin’ while sellin’ my G key on eBay. I guess Martinez could be called up, it’s not like the Cardinals bullpen is Dan Marino handing the ball off to Dennis Eckersley. Martinez was in the top 50 fantasy baseball prospects. Here’s what Scott, our prospect writer, said, “A devastating fastball-curve-change arsenal has Martinez projecting like a front-line starter. The 21-year-old was outstanding in 15 starts at Double-A last year, and many industry folks see greater potential with him than with Shelby Miller. He’s a bit undersized, so there are workload concerns. In any case, he’ll be a major fantasy asset as a starter or a closer once he’s peaked. Personally, I’d love to see him throw his 98 MPH fastball at Grey’s head.” How do these lines keep getting past me? Martinez is intriguing. I’m intrigued, y’all! I think picking him up right now in mixed leagues is probably jumping the gun. He could be a huge fantasy asset though, so keep your ear to the ground about a possible promotion. Not literally, now your ear is dirty.
Shelby Miller – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. If you haven’t been able to watch him, he’s a thing of beauty. He’s like the Mona Whiza wit onions. (That’s what I’d call my house specialty cheese steak.) So if he’s a Mona Whiza wit onions and Martinez is supposedly better than Miller… Humna, humna, humna, BONER! You feel me? It was a figure of speech, you haven’t washed your hands since March.
Edward Mujica – When he gets a save, I exclaim, ‘Mooheekalakalaka!’ and I pick up Boggs from waivers and then immediately drop him again to teach him a lesson.
Kyle Lohse – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, but left because he dislocated his non-throwing hand pinkie. I’d check my pockets. Brewers hope Lohse can make his next start. I would too if I had their options.
Ryan Braun – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. I hate to see if this Biogenesis thing wasn’t getting him so down. Insert slanty-mouth emoticon with a corn cob pipe.
Joel Hanrahan – Was able to throw off the mound yesterday. Continue to hold Hanrahanananananan, in the non-sexual way, but Bailey, who got his 4th save yesterday, could be the closer for a while.
Felix Doubront – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 8 Ks. Watching him try to throw strikes is so painful. Call him Felix Ugh’er. I’d use him in only favorable match-ups and be careful in home games.
Mike Napoli – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and now has homers in back-to-back games. Enjoy the Napoli ride. I’m not talking about his foxy mom, I mean how he’s hitting.
Will Middlebrooks – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Does he have any hits besides homers? Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to attend that offseason retreat where you go out with Ted Nugent and try to trap Rob Deer and ask him for hitting tips.
J.A. Happ – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. That’s nice. I wouldn’t let him screw your team.
Adam Eaton – Cleared for throwing. Be cool if anorexic Billy Bob Thornton announced all players who are cleared to throw while in character from Pushing Tin. “You have clearance, now give me a stalk of celery!”
Wade Miley – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (zero walks), 7 Ks. Really liking what I’ve seen so far from Miley. Not totally excited about his next start vs. the Rockies, but then he goes back to Petco, assuming there’s not a snowstorm in Arizona or San Diego, but with the weather lately I wouldn’t count on anything. Can’t Adam Dunn breathe real heavy in the direction of the sun?
Josh Hamilton – 4-for-4, 2 runs as he was dropped to 5th in the order. The irony (if it’s irony, only the British truly know irony) is The Sciosciapath would probably prefer eight utility men. Think about it, when did Scioscia seem his happiest? When he was trotting Chone Figgins out to six different positions and he was using Napoli’s thighs as thundersticks on the bench. The Angels are like when Target introduced Alexander McQueen and their customers were like, “Does he make cheap deodorant? Cause that’s what I want from Target.” The Sciosciapath really just needs cheap deodorant.
Derek Holland – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks as he went up against Stream-o-Nator fave, Joe Blanton (6 IP, 4 ER, 13 baserunners, zero Ks). SON, “Hey, Holland, you can put your tulips right here!”
A.J. Pierzynski – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Guess who picked him up for a batty call? A’la Ace Ventura, “I exorcised the demons!”
Johnny Cueto – Was able to play catch on Monday. To his side, Dusty Baker held a boombox that was playing Cat’s in a Cradle. Real heartwarming shizz.
Mike Leake – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. Does his line look good? It does, right? Yeah, it’s lying to you to get you into bed with him.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs as he hit his 1st homer. That sigh of relief is coming from your H2H team. Strap in your safety belt cause Bruce is about to take you on a two week ride of five to seven homers.
Travis Wood – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA is down to 2.08. This was a lot less painful than your usual Wood vs. Leake match-up.
Chris Tillman – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. Looked terrific through six innings then unraveled a little in his last inning. Definitely would throw him for his next start. Yeah, I’m crushing a bit on Tillman, let me be.
Nick Markakis – 2-for-5 and a RBI as he hit lead off. Member when Markakis was a middle of the order hitter? Yeah, he’s become Sparkakis Anklebiter.
Anthony Rendon – 1-for-4, 1 RBI. Davey Johnson said he doesn’t care if Rendon is batting .900 when Zimmerman returns, Zimm gets the job back. To get to .900, Rendon would have to go 69 for his next 70. I’d like to see him bench that.
Dan Haren – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. You want the good news or the bad news first? Okay, good news is Haren says he’s healthy. The bad news is Haren says he’s healthy. Guess it didn’t matter which one went first.
Franklin Gutierrez – Left yesterday’s game and said he’s dealing with a recurring issue with his pelvis. Pfft, that’s a worse excuse than “I have a headache.”
Jesus Montero – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st home run. Jesus H. Montero, it’s about time. Later in the game, he took a foul tip off his mask that knocked the behim out of him, but he stayed in the game so he should be fine.
Felix Hernandez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Astros. Before the game I wrote down what I expected his line to be, that was: 9 IP, 0 ER, 0 baserunners, 27 Ks.
Kyle Seager – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. I mentioned him yesterday, so that could only mean one thing…He strained his oblique. Okay, it could mean two things. Seager’s healthy and hitting.
Dustin Ackley – 3-for-4, 1 run. If your hitting is hurting, take 20 drops of aniseed oil, the skin of a goat testicle and Witch Hazel. If that doesn’t work, face the Astros.
David DeJesus – 2-for-5 with a slam & legs. More Jesus sightings yesterday than a Guatemalan prison.
Mark Teixeira – Still not ready to hit soft-toss. He told reporters, “We are taking it slow.” He added, “You’d understand if your contract was guaranteed.”
Michael Pineda – Threw one inning in a simulated game. Girardi said he was happy with the results, then he smiled and blinded the reporters with braces-glare.
CC Sabathia – 7 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks. I talk about CC on the podcast that’s coming up later today. If you think I’m gonna say something positive, you’re new here, so welcome to Razzball! To your right are the ads, to your left is the content, behind you are the donuts. Feel free to go outside to smoke. No judgments here. I’ll start. My name is Grey Albright and I drafted a team entirely of upside and I am in 10th place out of 15 teams. Sometimes I yell at my team to get better, but it’s like they can’t hear me. So I yell louder.
Brett Anderson – A’s are saying that Anderson is ‘on schedule’ to make his next start. I’ll believe B.A.’s ready for A’s team when he’s headed to the stadium in the 1983 black and metallic grey GMC Vandura.
Josh Reddick – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs. If someone in your league decided to balm their team and got rid of Reddick, he looks like he’s starting to come around.
A.J. Griffin – 4 IP, 7 ER. Alfredo Jettucine got creamed, which is delicious with some prosciutto, but not like this. I’m beginning to think all A’s pitchers are mediOAKers.
Yoenis Cespedes – Is about a week away from returning. It takes that long for him to put on all hundred cleats.
