*throwing cards like in that INXS video* Queller, Stellar, Old Yeller, Bookseller, that kid on ESPN’s Spelling Bee whose name I can’t spell is a good speller, hey, wanna check out my wine cellar, Papa Smurf is a mushroom dweller, love to be a fart smeller, love to be a fart smeller, love to be a fart smeller, wasn’t Winnie Cooper’s real name Danica Something-Keller, if you’re on the east coast you’re riding in an upside down umbreller, Mitch Keller, Mitch Keller, Mitch Keller!

Damn, don’t mess with me when I’m doing an INXS freestyle. So, Mitch Keller went 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at *trying not to chuckle* 6.23. His peripherals: 8.8 K/9, 4.4 BB/9, 4.53 FIP. His .373 BABIP is insane, but when you’re in the bottom 2% in the league with exit velocity, and xBA, then you’re going to give up a ton of hits. How’d it go all wrong? Two years ago, he had a 2.76 xERA and now it’s 5.95. The slider and curve used to be a smoke show. Now they’re getting rocked. In 2019, his curve saw a 35.3% strikeout rate with 72.2% ground balls. This year, it’s 12.5% and 36.8%. Um, yikes. Yesterday, he was locating his breaking ball, and that’s the difference. For Mitch Keller to have a great 2022, it’s the same as real estate for the mafia: location, location, location and breaking balls. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Colin Moran – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Just spent 15 minutes looking at the last decade of the life of Erin Moran, Joanie from Joanie Loves Chachi, and I’m sad at what a time suck Google is. Um, Joanie’s sad too. And Colin’s season is sad too. Oh man, so much sadness!

Ian Happ – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Of course, he’s going to be in the Buy column coming later today since he’s been mentioned like fifteen times in the last four days. Hot schmotato, fellas and five fell-for-fellas.

Rafael Ortega – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his and his 9th homer. In 90 August at-bats, he had a five homers and a .300 month. Told you at one point in the middle of it with a lede to grab him, and I wish he wasn’t 30 years old, because I might be thinking long-term.

Wander Franco – Left yesterday’s game with a headache. Okay, which one of you were trying to sleep with him?

Garrett Richards – 3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.73, and his 2nd save. Garrett Richards aka Grr-Dicks aka Grumbling Dicks aka Grumble In The Down Under aka Dicks Go Grr got the save to rest the bullpen.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.88. Solid start, and 2nd one in a row and 3rd in four. Better than the opposite, but I don’t trust him. He gets the Rays again next time out and I’d only try it in the most dire of shituations.

Mike Minor – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.25. Streamed him in one league, and the Streamonator liked it, so let’s see what it predicted: 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. One extra K! 2/3 IP more! 1 extra run! Well, wait, the last part would make it worse. Hmm, seems like a push.

Triston McKenzie – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.62. The Strong Bean is working on getting himself overrated for next year.

Aaron Nola – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.54. After the 1st month of a pitcher struggling it’s, “Are his mechanics out of whack? Is he being unlucky?” After the 2nd month of a pitcher struggling it’s, “Is this the Spider Tack thing?” After the 3rd month of a pitcher struggling it’s, “How long until after the season do we hear he needs Tommy John surgery?” Nola’s going on the fourth month struggling which is, “Is he using the wrong arm to pitch with?”

Lane Thomas – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .212. First, Lane Thomas opens stores nationwide for plus-sized women, then he makes Victor Robles obsolete on the Nats, and now he’s hitting almost .215. What a week for Lane Thomas! He’s having one of those weeks that is solid in an NL-Only league, and not really worthwhile in any mixed leagues. Of course, this could be the start of him getting on those shallower league radars. I doubt it. But it could happen.

Juan Soto – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and a slam (23) and legs (8), hitting .302. It could kinda screw us for next year if Sexy Dr. Pepper has a huge September, but I kinda don’t mind. He’s not falling much later than 10th overall in 2022 drafts either way. At least he shouldn’t.

Brett Anderson – Hit the IL with a shoulder contusion. He’ll miss one turn in the rotation or longer when the Brewers realize they’re going to the playoffs.

Eric Lauer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.43. For his price in drafts, he’s been absolutely brill. He’s the kinda of guy that wins super deep leagues, or, as in my case, gets them around the middle of the pack, due to all 12’s in pitching and 1’s in hitting because you can only do so much with freakin’ Cody Belanger. I do a beeyatch sesh on this literally every day, so thanks for listening to me, but it truly is incredible I spend no money on pitching, have a great pitching staff, and am anchored by Trevor Story and Cody Belanger everywhere.

Wilmer Flores – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Wilmer hurt it driving Fred’s car with no floor.

Logan Webb – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.56. The Giants have faltered a bit recently. Still headed for 100 wins, bee tee dubs, and, speaking of which, Dub E. Bees has not missed one beat. Just fire emoji drinking everclear and spitting more fire.

Austin Slater – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. The Giants lead the majors with ten, uh, ten-homer hitters. Pirates have one. They had two, but they released Polanco. Pirates forever chasing booty.

Brad Hand – Claimed off waivers by the Mets. The Mets figured it was easier going this route then trying to get a hand from their fans.

Carlos Carrasco – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.59. Well, he looked better after the two-run 1st inning, retiring I believe 12 in a row at one point, but have you seen that Marlins’ lineup? I mean, retire 18 in a row every game against those guys. Streamonator says Carrasco gets the same team again in five days, so hopefully he takes my “18 in row” challenge. Much better than a Milk Crate Challenge.

Jonathan Villar – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer, hitting .257. If you put Villar in the leadoff slot of any lineup for the ten years prior and ten years after this point, he will be better than league average. It’s a completely unknowable truth, and I know it’s true.

Miguel Rojas – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .269. In the dictionary, it says “well read” means to have extensive knowledge of books. Informally, “well read” is also what Rojas’s family says to him when he’s taking too long to order.

Jorge Soler – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 22nd homer, hitting .213. Braves are like the Fabulous Freebirds. One doesn’t get going and they just tag out to another one and Michael Hayes comes in and rakes the pitcher’s eyes.

Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and a slam (11) and legs (3), hitting .267. Kinda hope Chazz Noir steps off the romance novel cover, pushes back the hair of his beard and has a huge September just to lure some people in for next year, because I can’t be more out on this guy in every way. Eff him and the white stallion Chazz Noir is riding on that Harlequin cover.

Adam Duvall – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer, and will homer again today. What? He will.

Matt Manning – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 6.29. The Tigers are like the anti-Marlins. They have a ton of supposedly great young pitching, and did I mention it’s “supposedly?”

Akil Baddoo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and a very late addition to my Buy column coming later today, and now I can change my fantasy team name to, A View To Akil.

Harold Castro – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s here now, but obviously he’s become a hot schmotato in the last day.

Jed Lowrie – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .254. Recently, dropped Lowrie from my one team where I had him, because I just didn’t need the offense, so no offense meant…uh-oh, feeling my rap alter ego come on, B. Fire here to spit bars!

Lowrie, you done the Mets wrongs,
You’d be third on the team in dongs,
With those balls going longs,
Am I still singing about home runs, is this why there’s a parental advisory sticker on my kiddie songs?

Mark Canha – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 14th homer, hitting .236. Funny thing about perception; I think everyone would say Canha is having a much better season than Lowrie, and he is on the Player Rater, but much better? Same number of homers, and hitting for a worse average than Lowrie by almost twenty points. (Steals are bolstering Canha.)

Sergio Romo – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.12, as he got the 2nd save. My guess is the A’s will go with Chafin (1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.73) first for saves, but yesterday they needed him in the 7th and 8th. By the way, all this is different than if you’re trying to save an A’s Chafin. In that case, use a eucalyptus balm.