I had this lede in my back pocket. In the fantasy baseball writing world, it’s called ‘the early lede.’ It’s a form of sandbagging. You know everyone wanted Mike Montgomery in the preseason, but his rotation spot wasn’t confirmed. So, in March, you write a Mike Montgomery Buy lede like you’re filling in a Mad Libs. You say how he’s been great/solid/surprisingly awful but will come around. You can’t believe the Cubs took this long/moved this fast with him. His rotation spot was all but guaranteed once (pitcher’s name) got injured. That (same pitcher’s name) wasn’t good anyway and now Montgomery is here to stay for the season/the month/this next start. So far this year, he has a 61% ground ball rate, which would be the 3rd best in the majors if he qualified, and has a 8.6% swinging strike rate, which would be around the top 40. Those two numbers give the promise that his strikeout and walk rate aren’t giving yet. His 2.26 ERA is a bit of a fairy tale in unicorn clothes, but there’s still enough to be encouraged by. You better get him/have to get him/maybe should get him! This could be the pickup of the year/maybe a streamer and you better act fast/moderately quick/sometime while you’re still drawing breath. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Mike Zunino – I will not rest until every single one of you has asked at least one catcher question.
Matt Adams – To complete this total metamorphosis by Adams, you know what he needs, right? To be a contestant on Dancing With The Stars!
Trey Mancini – Fun fact! There were triplets born in Florida 25 years ago. The babies were named Trey, Man, Sesame, but the Florida couple couldn’t care for three children so they wished real hard and got Trey Mancini.
C.J. Cron – This is a Hitter-Tron pick, like the pick it makes at Best Buy for electronics it wants to sex up and down with motor oil.
Ian Happ – Does he call how he stands in the batting box, Happenstance? Because he kinda should.
Howie Kendrick – He’s hitting near .350, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends with an average north of .310. Over 550 ABs? Oh heck to the en oh. Maybe 300 ABs. Maybe.
Jose Pirela – A real world comparison: Puck from San Francisco. Wait, that’s not right. A real world baseball comparison: maybe Pirela gives you what you were hoping for from Pillar. By the way, I noticed Pillar the other day pinch-hitting for Pearce and I looked at Pillar’s stats, and wow. What happened to that young brother? I guess Pillar reached his statue of limitations. C’mon, high five me! That was good! No? Okay.
Austin Slater – He should hit for a decent average, and not much power or speed. Yes, that’s the headliner at Austin’s Shitty limits.
Matt Davidson – I already gave you a Matt Davidson fantasy. It was written on the back of a napkin then slid to a hot dame at the bar.
Rafael Devers – Wanna see Prospector Ralph’s eyes light up? Ask him about Rafael Devers. It’s like my eyes the moment in every movie when Catherine Keener comes on screen. You don’t need to tap your tea cup for me, Catherine. I’m right here.
Dansby Swanson – President Maballtu of my Southern Nad Region would take the northern district that’s an overgrown jungle and trade it for a decent shortstop to put in my MI slot. Corner men? Oh, we got them by the dozens. MIs? Yeah, so you’re saying Johan Camargo might have playing time?
Marcus Semien – Speaking of SNR’s President Maballtu, Semien should come back soon, which is also what Taillon’s doctor told him.
Ben Gamel – Has been smoldering hot (.430 in the last week), and, if you own him and Matt Boyd, you can change your fantasy team name to, “Yeah, Boyd, He Got Gamel.”
Carlos Gomez – Was a bit surprised to see Gomez available in so many leagues. No, not because I think he’s great. I don’t even think he’s good, but he’s been hitting a little bit and I get the sense a lot of people are living two years in the past, and want to own him.
Lonnie Chisenhall – Not much more than a schmotato, and, through forced perspective, Chisenhall will crush your head.
Steven Souza – On our Player Rater, Souza is ranked 65th overall. Not for outfielders, not for hitters, 65th overall. Better than Carrasco, Rendon, Darvish, Kris Bryant, Healy and Gary Sanchez. To name some apples and oranges.
David Peralta – If I’m being straight with you, and all the ladies will tell you it’s the only way I can be, I nearly made Peralta the lede this week, but he’s such a bore to discuss. A solid, ownable bore, but a bore nevertheless.
Starling Marte – His suspension ends within a couple of weeks, and I fully expect him to return as more or less the same player he was prior. How much more and how much less is the question though. Let’s go with comparisons, will he be better than David Peralta for the 2nd half of the season? I don’t think so. Will he be better than Polanco? I’d sure hope so. By the way, I just watched a two minute clip on Marte’s ESPN player page of a guy and girl discussing his suspension, and I wanted to throw my computer out the window. ESPN: The Home of the Hot Take, But Not Too Hot Otherwise You Will Be Fired.
Mallex Smith – Appizzarently, there’s some outfielders to grab off waivers this week.
Matt Moore – This is a strictly Stream-o-Nator call like the call it makes to every adoption agency in the tri-state area to find its biological parents. Ugh, Stream-o-Nator is so sad!
Pat Neshek – Doesn’t Pat Neshek sound like a woman who would be at bingo pulling up her stretch pants over her FUPA? No? Hmm, maybe it’s me. Neris could be the closer still, but wouldn’t be surprised to see Neshek get some saves for the next month as the Phils build up his trade value.
Huston Street – Recently, the Sciosciapath held a news conference about who would close for the Angels, he said, “Squirrel, Wheat Thins, returned mail,” which was the most coherent the Sciosciapath has been in years. I’d grab Street, but it could be David Hernandez, Cam Bedrosian, or all three, then Bud Norris returns in about seven days and could take the job right back. A shituation of the highest order.
SELL
Marcell Ozuna – OZUNA sell?! OZUNA drink 80-gallon jug of water and OZUNA dragon breath will not stop being fire. OZUNA mean this from top of heart to bottom of heart and OZUNA heart 17 times bigger than average heart size so top to bottom of heart is huge total area. OZUNA sell?! OZUNA let Mothra destroy your house and not attempt to step in. Men go down in barrels in OZUNA’s tears from seeing himself in sell. Right now, the top ten for fantasy value looks something like this: Goldy, Judge, Blackmon, Zimmerman, Trea, Bryce, Votto, Altuve, OZUNA. You know how I feel about Judge and Zimmerman, but OZUNA is samesies. He is solid; I like him, but c’mon. His BABIP is sky high, which has him hitting .325. His career HR/FB% is 14%, right now, it’s near-30%. I’m not saying to sell OZUNA for a seashell that says ‘moist’ when you put it to your ear, but I would explore options.
