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(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH)

“Are the Cubs stupid? We come back after the break to answer that very important question and many more.” The anchor takes off his earpiece and says, “Yes, they are stupid. They’ve kept down Matt Mervis and Christopher Morel for so long now for what reason? Is there a reason? Well…?” Then, he realizes he’s not an anchor, but instead he’s a fantasy baseball owner of Matt Mervis and Christopher Morel, and he’s not wearing pants and he’s sitting in his mother’s basement and he’s doing a ‘newscast’ to his cat, Pajamas Higgins, who was the Cubs’ first baseman last year for 38 games, though he’s better known as P.J. As I said last year, “I did a google for Matt Mervis and his ETA and I found he’s going to be promoted to the Cubs in 2022. Very cool, let’s see how he did. Let me do another google for us. Hmm, I’m not seeing any stats for Matt Mervis with the Cubs. The Cubs must’ve had some great 1st basemen for the last year.” And that’s me quoting me! Same story, different year! Matt Mervis is a 25-homer guy in the majors tomorrow with no change in approach. He’s not young, so, ya know, he should already be in the majors, if the Cubs didn’t want to waste him for no reason. At 25 years old, it would be easy to write him off, but he was a college guy who lost 2020. I asked Itch if Mervis was going to be Tork 2.0, and he said he hoped not, then asked for my GPS coordinates to send a drone. Itch also added that Mervis has more reps against good arms and he keeps getting better. Sounds like he should be Never Nervous Matt Mervis. He reminds me of every super late cornerman that is rostered in every league. 25/.260 guys have value, and he should’ve been up already. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Gabriel Moreno – Likely going to be one of those catchers who ends up as a top 10 catcher at the end of the year on the Player Rater, based on his average alone. By the way, the top five catchers right now on the Player Rater is as unpredictable as catchers always are, yet people still think they should draft them high. *Grey begins to lose his shizz but chants, “Namaste” to himself*

Matt Thaiss – Saying “Thaiss” like a frat boy when he sees the number 69. For what it’s Wuertz, Chad Wallach looks to be on the short-side of the platoon.

Harold Ramirez – Picked up Ramirez about a week ago in my RCL league (12-team mixed), and he’s been roughly a top 25 overall hitter, so I got that going for me.

Joey Gallo – Going back in time to ten years ago and whispering in Rob Manfred’s ear that MLB should outlaw the shift immediately when he takes over, then betting $5 that a relative unknown at the time 19-year-old, Joey Gallo, will be the next player to hit .400, then coming back to present-day to see I lost $5.

Pavin Smith – With Jake McCarthy being sent down, well, Alek Thomas should have everyday playing time, but they’ve been playing Smith too. Playin Smith? Is that his brother?

Taylor WallsFrom the Buy Lowe window to the Walls…Sorry, that’s really stuck in my head.

Christopher Morel – Same as Mervis with ETA. Morel should be up already, and likely will be a lede Buy next week, if he’s not up already.

Ji-Hwan Bae – Won’t you please be my Bae-bee tonight? (And steal some bases.)

Mauricio Dubon – If you pick up Dubon and get an erection for longer than five minutes, then call your doctor and tell him you got a Duboner, and need immediate medical attention.

Zach McKinstry – True story alert! I go through the 7-day Player Rater and the top added guys at ESPN and CBS to see waiver wire trends and where people should be looking. Then, I write down a bunch of names from there, and later I go back and fill-in remarks. I wrote down “Zach McKinstry” and now that I’m back at his name, filling out remarks, I haven’t the foggiest idea why anyone is picking him up. I guess he’s been a hot schmotato. Hey, I said true story, not interesting.

Jordan Diaz – Here’s what I said the other day, “Called up by the A’s. The new Moneyball, which is No-Moneyball, and the A’s are making the most of their No-Money-having-selves. Diaz was tearing the cover off the ball in the minors. Sorry, that might be misleading. He hit one homer. He tore the cover off one ball. Rest of the balls remained covered. Itch said previously, “(Jordan is) a swing-heavy profile and decent-not-great athleticism are the only limiting factors for Diaz, who enjoyed a statistical breakout in 2022, slashing .326/.366/.515 with 19 home runs in 120 games across two levels. Listed at 5’10” 175 lbs, Diaz looks heavier than that to my eye, and although he might be almost maxed out physically, the upside on his kind of bat-to-ball skills (12.5 percent strikeout rate) is always a little hidden coming off the bus. Unless *fingers crossed* that bus runs over Grey.” Hmm, that’s not nice. He looks like a poor man’s Luis Arraez. Call him Luis I-need-a-raise.” And that’s me quoting me and Itch!

Enrique Hernandez – Find someone who loves you as much as Alex Cora loves playing Enrique Hernandez, then put that love behind a paywall, you sicko!

Josh Lowe – Member for a while he was going by Joshua and when he was by a tree, someone said, “Not U2!” and he immediately shortened it to Josh to avoid confusion? Maybe that didn’t happen and it was a fever dream.

Yu Chang – I wrote something last October like, “Aaron Judge wants to hit free agency to play the market, and every team will pretend to be interested, but then Judge will just re-sign with the Yanks, because all other teams only have money for Yu Chang.” With that said, when did the Red Sox become a small market team?

Ezequiel Duran – Prolly the hottest bat any Ezequiel has had in history, except for that one Amish guy who they said couldn’t churn the butter anymore because he was making it soupy.

J.D. Davis – Jonathan Davis Davis has been hot hot.

Corey Julks – Astros were deemed cheaters and non-Astros fans disregard everything they’ve done since then, but they really do develop useful players. Or it’s the cheating thing.

Jake Burger – A hot Burger? Must be his grindset mentality. A 80/20 grindset blend between “not being injured” and “just not sucking like everyone else on the White Sox.”

Jack Suwinski – There was a case to be made that Suwinski should’ve been the lede buy this week, but, guess what, I ain’t making that case. He’s walking a shizzton, and isn’t getting crazy lucky on BABIP to have a reasonably decent average. It’s all thanks to a Ruby Red Statcast slider page, i.e., Suwinski is hitting balls hella hard. If you found us from googling “hitting balls hella hard,” I don’t know what on earth you’re looking for, but welcome. We won’t judge you!

Brandon Marsh – Should’ve likely been picked up two weeks ago, so I’m moving on. Get up to speed quicker!

Brent Rooker – Brent Rooker is Crash Davis. Brent Rooker is so old the only people calling him “Rook” are doing so sarcastically! Brent Rooker is so old he’s played alongside Shea Langeliers and Shea Stadium! Brent Rooker is so old he gets Kevin Smith references, and doesn’t say, “You mean the guy on the left side of our infield?” Brent Rooker is so old he remembers when Jesus Aguilar was a carpenter! Brent Rooker is so old he remembers when you could shorten the A’s middle reliever, Richard Lovelady’s name and not get canceled. That’s old! So, Brent Rooker has had himself a nice month of April, and he’s hitting third. Yes, it’s a terrible team, but hitting third guarantees a guy some decent runs and RBIs. Could there be anything else here? You tell me! In Triple-A, he hit 14 HRs in only 65 games. What’s that, every 5th game-ish? Not bad. That was in 2019! He’s languished for so many years in the minors it’s truly criminal. He hit .281 that year in 2019, and could’ve, and likely should’ve been called up. He has 70-grade power, and basically can hit the ball out of any park, including Yellowstone. (The park, not the show. Attorneys say we’re limited to one Kevin Costner-branded media mention per blurb.) Oh, and, for those who are worried he’s just a right-handed Joey Gallo, he’s not striking out this year at all. The other day I compared him to last year’s Joey Meneses, and he might be, which means(es) pitchers will catch up to him eventually, but cross that bridge when we come to it. Sure, he’s old, but that doesn’t mean he’s not worth grabbing. How old? Brent Rooker is so old I’m gonna call him Bmortgage Vetter!

Brenton Doyle – I subscribe to BritBox, so can someone in England get a show together with Mountcastle and Brenton Doyle? Thinking it’s about a bent copper. Any hoo! Doyle is a big power and speed rookie who plays for the Rockies, so “plays” is metaphorical.

Sam Hilliard – Actually, Hilliard can be in that BritBox show too, “The Bent Coppers.” There’s room for Hilliard to have a little breakout and take over full-time job in Atlanta, because everyone else they have there is kinda the dog’s breakfast, innit.

Jarren Duran – Kinda lukewarm on how much Jarren Duran’s bad ways have Come Undone and his new Ordinary World is as someone who can hit above .220, but he has been hot.

Jake Meyers – See what I said for Julks, or what the Astros have done with literally their entire lineup, except Abreu. They really develop vs. sign. It’s impressive. Seriously. Ugh, I always sound sarcastic.

Josiah Gray – Likely should just be rostered, but this is also a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to a junkyard.

Matthew Boyd – Warning, this isn’t a positive Streamonator stream, but it’s as close as I could find of available options. “I’m looking for long-lost brother, who looks like a stove.”

Jose Alvarado – Craig Kimbrel is also here getting saves to which I just shake my head disbelievingly and sigh.

Carlos Estevez – Phil Nevin seems like a top 5 idiot to ever be an MLB manager. And the top 5 is stacked! How stacked? Mike Matheny was a manager for years! Any hoo! Jose Quijada and Estevez likely are some kind of split for Angels saves, even though Carlos Estevez seems clearly better.

A.J. Puk – This is likely the last time I’m mentioning Puk. He’s the Marlins’ closer, why is he at 15% rostered? Forget it, I just saw Bednar is at 80% rostered and I’m convinced these rostership numbers are wrong. If it’s not clear, I’ve started using some better rostership numbers these year. If you look at our 7-Day Player Rater, you’ll see the better rostership numbers. There’s also the 30-day Player Rater, which is better to use for pitchers.

Bryan Abreu – Said this on the podcast the other day, but Abreu looks like he should just be rostered in all leagues. Saves or not. By the by, here’s BDon and I doing this week’s podcast. You can watch me spend the first ten minutes of this week’s pod trying to make my fingers sticky and don’t say that’s the longest I’ve ever lasted trying to make my fingers sticky, that’s not cool.

Jeurys Familia – Could be the A’s closer, might also be Zach Jackson. When Jeurys was the Mets closer seven years ago, I said his first name looked like it was typed by a cat walking across a keyboard. Seven years ago! We’re older than Brent Rooker!

SELL

Gerrit Cole – It’s early, so you take this sample size, put it on a tray, and walk around offering it as a cocktail weenie, but Gerrit Cole’s stats look terrible, outside of his ERA. Like the worst they’ve looked in a long time. Let’s go through it, shall we? Oh we shall, because y’all a bunch of shallers! His velocity is down, his strikeouts are down; his walks are up; his xFIP is the worst it’s been since 2017 — his last year with the Pirates; his K-BB% is goofy bad; his ground balls are up, which is good, but so are his line drives allowed. He looks like the luckiest pitcher who’s ever pitched, and he’s in Yankee Stadium, so maybe his homers allowed won’t be, like, ya know, nothing. If the rest of the way, Gerrit Cole was closer to the 20th best starter vs. a top three starter, it would not shock me. I wouldn’t trade Gerrit Cole for a chance encounter with a drunk man in a Santa suit in May, but I would go our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.