What Are Great Luis Starts? It’s Every, No?

During the slow Monday, when there was five games on the docket, and half of them were Yankees, I started thinking about some either/or’s.  Though maybe because I was listening to Elliott Smith — that guy was uplifting!  Luis Severino was out doing his norm — 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.20 and 0.93 WHIP with peripherals that are just as gorge — 10.7 K/9, 2.2 BB/9, 2.83 xFIP.  First either/or for you, wait for it, here it comes, follow the arrow –> Next year, Luis Severino or Kershaw?  Is it even close?  Don’t think it is.  Okay, next either/or, Luis Severino or every pitcher not named Max Scherzer?  Maybe, maybe not.  There’s pitchers with better peripherals than Severino right now — Scherzer, deGrom, Cole, Corbin, Kluber and Syndergaard.  Throwing the two Mets out because they’re injury risks; Corbin and Cole don’t have the track record; semicolons are fun.  That leaves us with Scherzer, Kluber and Severino.  So, three’s company, and Severino is Joyce DeWitt.  Come and knock on my door!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Didi Gregorius – 1-for-4, 1 run and his 7th steal, hitting .245.  Obviously been struggling over the last six weeks or so, but, hootie-hoo, did not realize he had stolen so many bases already.  He’s already reached his career high, and is now on pace for 20+ steals.  If that came with 27+ homers, that’s a pretttttay, pretttttay good year, even if it comes with a .245 average.

Austin Romine – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .373.  Too bad the Yanks have that other catcher, what’s his name again, Harry Tanchez?

Gleyber Torres – 1-for-7 and his 10th homer, hitting .307.  Why do I already want to avoid him for next year at his presumably inflated price?

Greg Bird – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer.  If you own Bird, and your fantasy team is not named, My Corner Man Is A Bird Your Argument Is Invalid, then I don’t even know you.  Also, we go over Bird on the podcast that’s coming later today.  You can hardly wait.  No, you!

Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-8, 2 runs and his 13th homer.  He was hit earlier in the game by Fiers, and words were exchanged, then, later in the game, Giancarlo drilled a home run and stared Fiers down.  Fiers is a jackass, but if that gets Giancarlo going, God bless that jackass.  Also, Fiers stepping up to Giancarlo is laughable on so many levels.  The biggest one is Giancarlo would literally remove Fiers’ head from his shoulders, then squash his cantaloupe with his man-hands.  Fiers will wish he sat on his testicles and missed the game like Mr. Belvedere sat on his testicles and missed a week of filming.  Snopes verified!  Finally, does Fiers think he’s Ivan Drago?  He hit Giancarlo in the face in a past season with a pitch and knocked him out for the season.  I’m not saying he can’t go inside, but if he hits him shouldn’t he immediately be like, “Yo, my b.”  By stepping to Giancarlo, he’s essentially saying he meant to hit him in his face last time.  What kind of animal is Fiers?!  Besides a Tiger, of course.

Drew VerHagen – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 9.22.  Understandable start here, VerHagen is a character created by Anne Rice and what does she know about baseball?

Nick Castellanos – 2-for-8, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .333.  Do we have any psychic readers?  If so, can you conjure a ghost for me?  I have an idea.  We need a ghost to stand right next to Castellanos as he’s batting, then just as he swings, we need the ghost to poke Castellanos in the ribs so he jerks up and uppercuts the ball.  Hitting .333 is great and all, but is he now a 15-homer hitter?

Leonys Martin – 2-for-7, 3 runs, as he was moved down the order in the 2nd game.  The schmotato de Leonys was kinda predicated on him in the leadoff slot, so it’s worth cyclops’ing.

Roberto Osuna – MLB announces yet again they can’t decide about punishment for someone with an assault charge.  Good stuff, MLB, keep it classy!

Anthony Banda – Wil undergo Tommy John surgery.  This is the third Rays pitcher sent for Tommy John surgery this year.  Sometimes the stamp card is just too enticing!

Matt Davidson – Activated from the DL.  His back issues are said to be behind him. *Groucho removes cigar, raises eyebrow*

Caleb Ferguson – Will be called up to start on Wednesday.  Lot of Cale B’s in the majors recently.  I wonder if a bunch of moms heard Cardi B., the feminist icon, jumped in a time machine and went back 20+ years, got pregnant with the intention of having a girl, but had a boy and named them Cale B.  And by ‘wonder’ I mean that’s likely what happened.  Ferguson only has 47 IP past High-A, but when you lose Kershaw, Maeda, Hill and Ryu you need to make adjustments to short-term plans, which is different than needing to make adjustments in short pants.  The Prospect-o-Nator doesn’t love or hate Ferguson — 8.2 K/9, 4 BB/9 and a 4.17 ERA.  Sounds to me like a mixed league streamer in the right matchups, and an NL-Only own if he’s in the rotation.

Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Someone heated up the McCutchoven.

Brandon Crawford – 2-for-2, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .320.  Has hits in nine of the last ten games, and has been one of the lone bright spots on the Giants team offensively (not that their pitching has been great either).

Pablo Sandoval – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .277.  It’s so baseball that Sandoval is still in the league.  If this were football, he’d be out of the sport four years, just off his third arrest, and already on his 2nd year as a preacher.

Zack Godley – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.12.  Bad year to get cute and draft anything with the letters G-O-L-D.  Au crap.

Nick Tropeano – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.35.  Did the Stream-o-Nator fall in love at Disney and it explains Mr. Trop’s Wild Ride?  Of course, it doesn’t mean anything for my stream of Andrew Heaney today, but now I’m suddenly shook.

Justin Upton – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .244, and his 2nd homer in as many games.  Upton the boogie!

Jefry Marte – 4-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer.  Fun fact!  J-Marte goes by the nickname, The Big J.

Jon Jay – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .311, and hitting over .400 in the last week out of the leadoff spot. The Federalist is a schmotato, and very democrat with his production, a little of this and a little of that.  He’s definitely LOL, Lots of Littles.

Cameron Rupp – Twins signed him to a minors deal.  Molitor said he’s a big Blondie fan, and the thought of walking around singing Rupp-ture is just too delightful!

Zack Littell – Will make his major league debut today, but is reportedly being sent right back down.  His pitching tends to get by on guile, which is good for a 42-year-old vet holding onto a career because if he retires he has to go spend time with his wife and kids and that one kid who he’s not sure is his who annoys the crap out of him, but for a rookie, it’s less impressive.

Eric Hosmer – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer.  Could Little Joey Votto, or as I like to call him, Joey Joey, finally switch the teacher/student roles?

Franmil Reyes – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer.  That’s five homers in only 17 games, bee tee dubs.  Oh, and he has four walks to five homers.  Okay, that might be less of a positive, but not to his daddy, Kyle Blanks.

Cory Spangenberg – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .188.  Excuse me, Interstate 188.  By the by, did you know interstate numbers that are even go east/west and odd ones go north/south?  That blew my mind when I first learned it.  Dot dot dot.  From a truck driver.  Dot dot dot.  At a rest stop.  I’ve said enough.

Raffy Lopez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .191.  The Padres have put together a softball team in the world’s largest park.  Can they get Jake Fox out of retirement?  Or at least as their unofficial mascot.  We’re unathletic…like a Fox!

Luiz Gohara – 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  I’m just going to grab Gohara for some ratio help, maybe a few Ks and just an all-around solid middle relief–OH MY GOD, MY EYES ARE BURNING!!!  DID I USE EYEGLASS CLEANER AGAIN TO CLEAN MY CONTACTS?!  MAKE IT STOP BURNING!!!

Julio Teheran – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.31, and might be injured.  Now I know why everyone who I ask about Teheran tells me, “I ran so far away.”

Ronald Acuna – Has yet to resume baseball activities.  The tilde is high, and let’s get moving on.  I’m sure Acuña can be a number one…Number one…Sorry, I still have Blondie in my head.  Thanks a lot, Paul Molitor!