I Am The Bregman I Slammed The White Sox Goo Goo G’Joob

Bro…bro…bro…I’m not saying bro…Bro…bro…bro…I’m trying to say broke! I’m emotional devastated that Lucas Giolito (3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.34) is so broke. Does Lucas Giolito look at a pile of garbage and think he’s looking in a mirror? I’ll be honest with you, I’ve seen piles of trash that have more redeeming qualities. Get a good pile of recyclables and maybe they can turn into something worthwhile. A Coke can might have another life as a bulk 10,000 count thing of paper clips. Lucas Giolito has no future as a paper clip. Was looking at Lucas Giolito’s stats for 2023 fantasy, and he seems like he should be much better, but also there’s a point where, “Is the juice worth the squeeze?” Speaking of juice, the God of Minute Maid, Alex Bregman went 4-for-6, 4 runs, 6 RBIs and a double slam (17, 18) and legs (1). Something that was mentioned on the Mets game the other night, that I haven’t mentioned nearly enough. Big power hitters who can hit 40 homers weren’t that affected this year (they were talking about Pete Alonso). Players who hit wall-scrappers? They were absolutely affected, and, unless the ball is altered, we’re never seeing a 30+ homer year from Bregman again. Looking at his 41-homer year now in 2019 stands out like Waldo in a Where’s Waldo cartoon, when being looked at by Waldo’s mom. A mother knows. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Luis Robert – Been out of the lineup for six straight games, due to being unable to swing a bat, but, in case you’re wondering about backdating an IL stint, no fear, Mr. Belvedere! Robert’s been used as a defensive replacement.

Elvis Andrus – Signed with the White Sox. La Russa said, “I love what he brings, after seeing him in concert in ’66.”

Yoan Moncada – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .202. Yoan Moncada undrafted in 2023 in all but 15 team mixed and deeper, and, in those leagues, enjoy! Won’t be me.

Trey Mancini – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer. After the homer, Dusty met with the home plate ump to see if he could get it overturned, because he didn’t mean to start Mancini.

Chas McCormick – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer. Will see how this ends up being scored, but I believe Dusty is trying to get McCormick credited with Mancini’s homer too.

Luis Garcia – 5 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.09. This video cracks me up, please enjoy (language NSFW if that’s an issue for you):

Luis Garcia pitching, thinking of this pic.twitter.com/5r4WwdGbin

— Razzball (@Razzball) August 18, 2022

Josh Jung – Rangers are saying his MLB debut is not imminent. Nah, why would it be? They’ve got a $500 million team they’re out there using to wrestle control of third place in the AL West.

Mark Mathias – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Am I interested in Mathias? Yeah, on The Twelfth of Never.

Nathaniel Lowe – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. He will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, though he might be over 50% rostered by now. Meh, write me a bad Yelp review.

Dane Dunning – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.06. Gonna surprise you to hear that a guy going against the A’ss was a good Streamonator call yesterday. I know, shocking.

Sheldon Neuse – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Doing taxes? Sheldon’s your man. Hanging and banging? That’s not Sheldon’s strong suit.

Zac Gallen – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.78. He’s been exceptional this year, right? Okay, I’m baiting you. Prior to this start, his opponent, Logan Webb (4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.08) was actually above him on the Player Rater. Merrill Kelly was above, Triston McKenzie and Yu Darvish were the closest SPs right above him. This start, obviously bumped him up some, and the lack of wins has been his biggest issue, but when you’re only giving four categories, it’s not great if you’re actually only giving three.

Willson Contreras – 2-for-4 and his 18th and 19th homers, 11th career multi-homer game, and is gonna be so wildly overvalued when he’s the Yankees’ catcher next year.

Adrian Sampson – 5 2/3 IP, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.51. Not sure where this is coming from with Sampson, but he sure does have a nice head of hair!

Albert Pujols – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 11th homer, number 690 on his career, as he pinch-hit in the 3rd inning while the Cards were up by six runs, and, ya know what, good for Oli Marmol, because the Rockies suck and should be reminded of how much they suck every game.

Lars Nootbaar – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, as he hit leadoff. Raisin the roof (of your mouth) for Nootbaar!

Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.11. Never been a Wainwright guy for fantasy, or at least not until this year, and that was only because his ADP was too low. With that said (Grey’s doing a 180!), Wainwright is absolutely a Hall of Famer. How is he not a no doubter? Double negatives be damned!

Brandon Marsh – Hit the IL with a knee and ankle sprain. That’ll Marsh his buzz. I mean, harsh his Marsh. I mean, buzz his harsh!

Jose Berrios – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.39. Okay, things are really dire now. The Yankees made Berrios look good.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer, and third homer in four games. Cake Batter has only two less homers in four games than Lourdes Gurriel Jr. has on the season.

George Springer – 5-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .267. Springer feels like the kind of guy the Yankees would give a five-year deal to, so he’s owed $20 mill as a 37-year-old with three years to go.

Frankie Montas – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.87. If I’m the Yankees, I change the “as” on the end of his name to “gomery,” trot him out to the mound, and be like, “Trade deadline? Whatever do you mean? We still have Montgomery!”

Max Fried – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.60, as he was reinstated from the concussion IL. Fried said, “I feel as good as new, safe and sound back in 1955.”

Mark Canha – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. This was the first home run allowed by Fried in 69 1/3 IP. *pulls on collar* That’s a dirty number!

Jacob deGrom – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.31. He is mortal! He bleeds blood! He needs air to breathe!

Tyler Mahle – His shoulder MRI came back clean. The lab tech with the Windex is a miracle worker.

Manny Machado – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer. Macho Macho Manny!

Yu Darvish – 8 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.39. The bad thing in the hilarity of the Padres sucking giant eggs after the trade deadline is the teams that do nothing to try to win seem to be reaffirmed in their do-nothingness.

Andrew Heaney – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.77. If I’m being real with you, and, brucely, dawg, I am always real with you, dear reader, but I’d take this 10-strikeout game from a pitcher over a 6 IP, 3 ER, 2 Ks, start. Though, if you’re involving a win in the six-inning start, then I might have to recalibrate. Any hoo! Streamonator likes Heaney’s next start, and I agree.

Corbin Burnes – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.48. No chance of him being the best starter on the Player Rater this year, but also I see no way he’s not the number one starter off the board again next year.

Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer. Not sure if he’s eligible for this afternoon’s Buy, but he’s not in it anyway. He’s here now, and two homers goes a long way to becoming an instant schmotato. *shaking out box, what looks like dandruff falls into the pot* …Mmm…instant schmotatoes.

Hunter Renfroe – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. As Scooby Doo would say, “Renfroe!”

Bryan Reynolds – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homer, three homers in three games, and four homers in four games, and 20 homers in 102 games! Okay, the last one wasn’t as impressive, but it’s the Pirates so anything positive is met with skepticism.

JT Brubaker – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.19. His sinker was working last night! Organizing a union with his fastball! Demanding equal pay for all his crappy teammates! Being told, “This is the Pirates, we will trade you when it’s time for arbitration.” Streamonator is iffy on his next one, but it’s at home, and I could see it if desperate.

James Paxton – Left the mound with lat tightness. When I had Covid, they offered me Paxlovid. I declined, “I don’t mess with anything with Pax in its name,” I said. And they said, “You got burned by Paxton?” And I said, “Whoa, brainfog’s got me talking to myself about myself in third person.” And they said, “Inception!”

Michael Massey – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .321. Have a strange tingly in my tingleberries because I’m actually starting to like Royals prospects. I might need to ride a horse like Johnny Cueto to deaden the berries.

Luis Patino – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.95, as he was recalled. Nice to see Patino knock some of the rust off, but, also, that Patino is what makes him so valuable, according to my appraiser, who is a cyclops with a monocle.

Yandy Diaz – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .276, hitting .202 in the last 30 days. “Hey, Netflix exec, Running up that Hill was playing in the elevator, that’s cool. Anyway, this show is the animated movie, Antz meets House Hunters on HGTV. The ants just need to keep moving because Yandy keeps hitting ground balls into their roofs. Whatchu think?”