“For Kris Bryant‘s first game, can we have Steve Bartman throw out the first pitch and have a goat catch it?  Or maybe we carry Bartman through the streets like a Muslim funeral and rip the clothes from his body.  Yeah, go with the 2nd idea!”  That was the recently fired Cubs PR guy.  You know the billboard that announces the Cubs World Series win in Back to the Future II?  I took a freeze frame and blew it up, noticing something interesting.  It’s not exactly the dead ghost girl in the window of Three Men and a Baby, but I could’ve sworn I saw Kris Bryant’s face reflected in the billboard.  I’d show you, but I threw it away by accident.  Sorry!  So, Kris Bryant is being called up and I don’t own him anywhere, but I do get a certain pleasure out of the Cubs calling him up just after the extra year of team control kicked in, er, kicked Boras in the nuts.  In my projections, I had him down for 42/19/54/.256/3, but not getting called up until June 1st.  Now, 30 homers is a legit possibility.  I do think he could have a 30%+ strikeout percentage and hit below .240, but I’ll give him the highest compliment I can, I wish I owned him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Danny Salazar – Will be recalled for Saturday’s start.  Looks like Salazar won in the game of Comebackers and Indians.  “You own Salazar in three leagues, but they’re all weekly leagues and he’s on your bench.”  That was what my reflection said to me right after I heard the news that Salazar was going to start on Saturday.  To paraphrase Rhett Miller, “Danny’s start will only be an experiment in things that could have been.  He can go ahead and get started, and it’ll probably never happen again.  I don’t mean to make you excited, except secretly I do.”  I’m going to push down my reasonable side and say I’d grab Salazar in every league even if it may only be for one start.  The reality of the situation is Salazar is better than McAllister and the Indians might realize that if Salazar dazzles vs. the Twins on Saturday.  Shoot, I think I could dazzle vs. the Twins, so there’s hope.

Fernando Rodney – We got a new crazy in town!  It’s Lloyd Christmas McClendon and here’s what he said about Rodney, “Here’s the deal, people fly off the handle and say, ‘Rodney stinks. We need to change. Get another closer.’  Okay, when that doesn’t work out, then what?  You want me to go back?  Or do you want me to try somebody else?  That’s how all hell breaks loose.”  Let’s break this up into sections because there is so much here.  First, “Here’s the deal,” like he’s finally setting the world straight!  Hahahahaha… Breathe, Grey, breathe!  Second, “…people fly off the handle,” Rodney has a 16.20 ERA and 2.7 K/9.  That’s flying off the handle?  Wow!  Third, there’s no third.  Fourth, “Rodney stinks.”  Well, yes.  But that’s what a manager says?  Even if it’s just mimicking other people’s thoughts it implies people are thinking it so Rodney starts thinking it.  Can I get the smoothie with the Confidence Booster?  Fifth, McClendon makes like he can’t try someone else and go back.  WHAAAAAA?!  Seriously, what?  What-what?!  What-what-what?!  Sixth, “That’s how all hell breaks loose?”  No, that’s how you find a new closer.  Wow.  Just, wow.

Tommy Milone – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.08 after two starts.  The training he did in the offseason with David Copperfield is paying off, because he’s getting by on smoke and mirrors.  Ba-dum tss!  Which my autocorrect wanted to change to Buddhists.  I wonder if I did a rimshot in India if a Buddhist would turn their head.  Deep thoughts.

Joe Mauer – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .281 and that brings his RBI total up to 4.  Glad to see Rotoworld dropped him to the 2nd round this year.

Kennys Vargas – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer.  All your base are belong to Kennys!  Where’s the outlet?  Because I have a plug!  Kennys’s’s not going to be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but I like him for power, especially if he’s getting hot.

Kurt Suzuki – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer.  Ball was flying yesterday in Target Field.  Little did they know all they had to do was move the Target over the fence.   It’s like the fly in the urinal.

Lorenzo Cain – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (2).  Okay, fo’really, could Cain…Sugar! be this year’s Brantley?  I don’t think he has 20-ish HR power, but he does have the speed and shouldn’t hit for a terrible average while hitting around 15 homers.  Would it shock me to see Cain move into the top 50 overall next year?  Not entirely, no.  I mean, if Marte can do it, Cain can (whoa, easy there with the leg kicks!).

Mike Moustakas – 2-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .382.  We’re still in the small sample size area — that’s what she said! Huh? — but I don’t think Mostsuckass has ever hit .382 over a three-game period, let alone nine games, so he might actually be in for a breakout.

Carlos Gomez – Hit the DL with a small tear in his hamstring.  Roenicke said the injury was bad enough for Gomez to be sent to Milwaukee for tests, and we all know the hamstring tests in Milwaukee are only for the most serious hamstring injuries.  Imagine the Mayo Clinic for only hamstrings, that’s Milwaukee hospitals.

Gerardo Parra – 1-for-4 and will fill in for Gomez while he’s out.  Wow, I can hear the applause for Parra from here.  Oh, that’s right, his family moved next door to me.

Mike Fiers – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.91.  You before the game, “Okay, if Fiers doesn’t go six innings or gives up more than three runs, I’m dropping him.”  You after the game, “Grey, should I keep Fiers?”  Yeah, that is the preduckument we find ourselves, my fair-feathered friends.   It really depends on your league and who’s available, but I’m holding him in the leagues where I have him; his peripherals are solid even if his ERA has been less so.

John Lackey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.77.  Moral of the story, don’t bet against the Cards.  The Cardinals could send a turd sculpted to look like Kevin James to the mound and it would get a quality start.

Mark Trumbo – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer.  Happy Trumbone!

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .324.  Looks like his hand is feeling all right.  Don’t even lie and say when you drafted him that you were sure he’d be fine.  Don’t even!  You are cute when you lie though.  Come here.  Figuratively, get away!

Addison Reed – 2/3 IP, 1 ER.  When Joe Nathan got hurt, Reed became the worst closer in the majors.  Yesterday, he defended his title.

A.J. Pollock – 2-for-6, 2 runs and his 1st homer, which came in extras.  There was the problem.  The Pollock thought games didn’t start until the 10th inning.

Archie Bradley – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Madison Bumgarner 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  This game was Bradley’s 2nd career start and Madison’s 127th since last September.  As I said in the preseason, I’d be very concerned about Bumgarner, but no one who reads this site would’ve drafted him anyway, so no worries there, right?  As for Bradley, yes, I’d own him in any league.  His Ks and walks haven’t been amazing, but it’s worth it to own him to see where it goes.

Brett Gardner – An MRI confirmed he had a bruised wrist.  Also, a finger pointing to the bruise while someone stood nearby with their eyes open could’ve also confirmed it.

J.P. Arencibia – Signed by the Rays to a minor league deal.  Arencibia, that spicy meatball, is hitting .189 for his career, so, basically, he’s the Rays third best hitter.

Evan Longoria – Was hit by a pitch on his hip and left the game early.  He’s day-to-day.  I’m beginning to think Eva Longoria is more man than him.

Chris Archer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA down to 1.37 in Toronto.  Oh, I hoped you didn’t get sonavabenched.  You did?  Aw, shucks!  Sometimes you just gotta let them hang out the window like you’re an unneutered bulldog.  Terrific start for Archer and it reminded me of something.  As I was watching it, I was like, “Oh, yeah, that’s why I drafted him.”  He’s averaging 95 MPH on his fastball, up a mile from last year.  He’s 26 years old and in his third full year, the time pitchers break out.  Oh, and he’s beautiful.

Tim Beckham – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer as he pinch-hit for Allan Dykstra.  In the last three games, Beckham has played 2nd, SS and 1B.  Somewhere, the ultimate futility player, Brendan Ryan, is smiling.

Jose Reyes – Left the game with a flare-up of some old oblique flare-up that has been flaring up.  He’s day-to-day and won’t play on Friday.  Any the hoo!  I wish the Jays had someone to bat leadoff.  Oh, wait…

Devon Travis – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI.  If you put an ampersand between his name, it sounds like a 16 and Pregnant couple.  He’s hitting .371 and he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, after being in last week’s, and he’ll be in every Buy column until he’s over 50% owned.

Aaron Sanchez – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA up to 6.23 and this game was vs. the Rays.  You were supposed to be a breakout pitcher.  That’s dirty, Sanchez!  Say hello to Daniel Norris on waivers for me.

Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer.  Okay, this is weird, but I swear to God before yesterday’s game I put on lipstick, kissed a picture of Giancarlo and sent it to him with my phone number.  Could that be a coincidence?  What?  What?  Where you going?  Hey, come on back!

Jarred Cosart – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER vs. Dillon Gee 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER.  They looked more like Jarred Gee Binks.

Wilmer Flores – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer.  It’s all coming up Flores!

Ryan Howard – 1-for-3 as he hit 7th with Frenchy (1-for-3, 1 run) hitting cleanup.  After the game, Howard went for a battery of tests.  First test, dodge this battery.  Second test, dodge these two batteries.  And the tests just kept getting harder.

Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.00.  In related news, there was an ad in Craigslist yesterday that said, “Major League Pitcher NEEDS New Team, References Provided By Marlon Byrd.”

Craig Stammen – Needs surgery on his flexor tendon.  Stammen won’t be pollinating ball fields for about a year.

Yunel Escobar – 1-for-4 and his 1st home run.  It is very easy to convince Matt Williams that Yunel should hit leadoff, even after Denard returns this weekend.  Yes, this could get ugly before it gets better for Denard.

Michael Taylor – 1-for-2 and his 2nd homer.  If Denard doesn’t hurry, he’s gonna be a 4th outfielder.

Doug Fister – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Fister with an ERA of .69.  Guess he’s changing it up in the sack.