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Jarred Kelenic was such a terrific call-up, before he was called up. Jarren Duran was a Hall of Fame lock, before I locked him into my fantasy lineups. Vidal Brujan? A chef’s kiss that can be heard from each of the 27 local Tampa Bay Hooter’s that lands you in the hoosegow for 27 counts of unwanted advances. Wander Franco? More like a cat that’s making me have an allergic reaction, call him Dander Franco. The best rookie bats this year have been Adolis Garcia, who came with no fanfare, and Akil Baddoo, who everyone expected to fall apart due to being a Rule 5. With that MLB (Major Lowering of Bar), please welcome Jo Adell! In Triple-A, he hit 23 HRs — stupendous! Stole 8 bags — I’ll enjoy that! Hit .289 — wow, I’m moving my pants without the help of my hands! And struck out 29.2% — Um. So, he might hit .205, but there’s no leagues where I wouldn’t pick him up. There’s also a chance he might only last on my teams until Sunday. Here’s hoping he’s better than all other call-ups. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Chris Rodriguez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.16. C-Rod pushes to the limit the baseball maxim, “You have to shorten anyone with the Rodriguez surname to their first initial and Rod.” C-Rod has a decent K/9 (9.5) but pretty scary command, which means that C-Rod could lead to a roofie.
David Dahl – Designated for assignment by the Rangers. When you can’t catch on with one of the worst hitting teams in MLB, after suffering a similar fate with another terrible team in the Rockies, well, it’s time for Dahl to hit the Roald to Korea.
Dane Dunning – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.07. His peripherals (8.8 K.9, 3.1 BB/9, 3.57 FIP) are way better than you might think, unless you are Dunning or his mother. In which case, hey, Dame Dunning!
Spencer Patton – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.15 and his 1st save. As the Rangers’ closer, Patton appears in front of the large red, white and blue team emblem in full military regalia.
Adalberto Mondesi – Royals’ GM Dayton Moore said of Mondesi, “We’re learning that we’re going to have to manage his workloads in ways that he may not be a guy that plays more than 100 games. We can’t count on him as an everyday player.” Moore added, “My fantasy team needs steals!” Same, man, same. Shame with Mondesi because he has ability to go 20/50, but he doesn’t have the health. This is also a little pulling of the ear by Moore to tell Bobby Witt Jr. he’s thinking about him.
Chris Sale – Will make one more rehab start. I get it; you want to not rush anything, but he has a 1.76 ERA and a 27/2 K/BB ratio in 15 1/3 innings. If I’m the Sawx (not, by the way), I bring Sale up and let him throw a few innings vs. trying to get him to start a game and throw 5+ IP.
Mike Yastrzemski – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last three games. Carl’s Jr. Jr. has yet to click this year for an extended period of time, but hopefully a hot streak is on his secret menu.
Anthony DeSclafani – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.28 vs. Taylor Widener – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.05. I started both of these guys in an NL-Only league, which is a way of me asking for you to please hold me and tell me there’s better days ahead.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .255. People are now asking if Juan Soto’s lost all his value because everyone was traded out of Washington. It’s almost like no one paid attention to one thing I said about Jo-Ram this year.
Amed Rosario – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and 2 steals (10, 11). Grabbed him and Myles Straw (2-for-5, 2 runs and his 18th steal) yesterday, and now I’m struggling to drop either back to waivers because I need steals. My struggling to drop them is like Ralph Kramden struggling to say sorry.
Brad Hand – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.83, as he faced his old team. How does that saying go, “Cut off your Hand to save you pennant race?” It’s almost like the the Guardians were saying, “Hey, Hand, you’re the reason why we’re not in a pennant race, so you don’t get to go elsewhere and have success.” The Jays might’ve realized that Romano should be the closer around…What time was it yesterday when Hand gave up the game?
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 34th homer, hitting .328. Just noticed the Jays’ lineup is now Springer at leadoff (2-for-5, 1 run), followed by Cake Batter and Baby Batter (1-for-4).
Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.04. Will have to go out of my way to not like Robbie Ray next year, and I don’t think I’m gonna open Waze and bother to go the long way.
Andrew Heaney – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.42. 1st pitcher to give up four homers in his Yanks’ debut. Don’t worry, that was vs. the Orioles. Wait until he sees the Red Sox! A fly ball pitcher who gives up a ton of home runs isn’t a great bet in Yankee Stadium? Are you sure? Wait, I’m asking you again the same question, are you sure? No way! That seems so impossibly incorrect. The Yankees wouldn’t trade for a guy who sucks. That doesn’t check out at all.
Gerrit Cole – Hit the Covid IL, so he’ll miss at least ten days. He got dinged when the umps tested the mucus he was putting on the ball for grip.
Gio Urshela – Will hit the IL again, a week after returning, this time for his hamstring. If Gallo goes to 3rd and Gardner gets to play every day, then, Elias Sports Bureau says, Gardner becomes an everyday player seven years after he should’ve retired. A new record.
Ryan Mountcastle – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 18th homer, hitting .259. Mountcastle is having a season I like to call, “What I wish Alec Bohm was doing.”
Cedric Mullins – 2-for-5 and a slam (18) and double legs (19, 20), hitting .322. Mullins leads the AL in hits. Only one Orioles’ player has done that: Ripken in 1983. Um, Cal Jr. Not F*ck Face Billy.
Austin Hays – 1-for-5 and his 11th homer, hitting .236. It’s not said enough how I wanted Hays in the preseason and not Mullins. Haha, just absolutely owning the night.
Tylor Megill – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.68. If you have him still, you got so lucky that he didn’t have one of those *makes explosion sound* Goooooomber. I’d move on in shallower leagues from Megill before things get much worse.
Pete Alonso – 2-for-5 and his 24th homer. Albombso!
Jesus Luzardo – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.70, as he was recalled from the IL. The Marlins don’t have bad pitchers. They’ve never had one. Check their history. Okay, don’t bring up Ricky Nolasco. It still hurts to think about some of the things he did to my fantasy teams. So, Luzardo could absolutely have a solid two months. It seems wildly unlikely considering how off his command has been this year. It hasn’t always been that bad, though. Did the magic the Marlins shoot out through their swordnose fix Luzardo that fast? Doubtful, but worth grabbing in deeper leagues.
Lewis Brinson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 4th homer, a grand slam. He reminds me of a broke man’s Byron Buxton. I will call him Byron Pennieston.
Dylan Floro – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.49, as he got his 3rd save. How many outs did Dylan get? One, two, three, Floro. Anthony Bender (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.13) came into the game in the 7th, and I forgot a bylaw of SAGNOF, the young sexy pitcher won’t ever get saves. I’d grab Floro for saves.
Randy Arozarena – 2-for-3 and his 15th homer. “It’s the playoffs…the playoffs…” That’s me trying to hypnotize The Rice Bowl through the computer screen.
Ty France – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Fun fact! Ty France-Italy is what Bob Costas says about the outcome of the Olympics race to get cigarettes.
Chris Flexen – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.75. After his last trouncing, I’d look at Streamonator for him, and be careful.
Jake Fraley – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 8th steal, as he was activated from the IL. Do I have time for a monocle on my cyclops?
Ranger Suarez – 3 IP, 0 ER, 1 K, ERA at 1.04. Ranger Suarez or the entire Rangers’ team, which has a higher WAR? I’m gonna guess Suarez.
Odubel Herrera – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer. Usually after ODB homers, he gets hot for a week into a hot schmotato situation.
Josiah Gray – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.85. Gray is nowhere near as good as he’s going to be eventually, which is what I say about Josiah, and my 2nd grade teacher said about me. I peaked young.
Carter Kieboom – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. And Kieboom goes the Carter!
Andrew McCutchen – Hit the IL with knee inflammation. Welcome back, McClutchin his knee. This is good for Travis Jankowski, who is good for speed. Some historians say the Poles have skis on their end of their names because thousands of years ago they would tie flat boards to their ankles rather than walking and they built up a taste for speed. Others say this is ethnic profiling and it should be stopped. Either way, Jankowski averages around 30 steals per 162 games.
Bryse Wilson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, ERA at 4.42, as Wilson got his first start post-Braves and post-Hanks painting a face on him. Streamonator hates his next start, and I don’t trust him either yet, but I am intrigued.
Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 24th homer. This was Escobar’s first game in his new team’s stadium. If you can guess the park’s name where the Brewers play without googling it, you win an American Family.
Eric Lauer – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.50. Usually there’s about two dozen pitchers doing what Lauer is doing. Just pitching well for deep leagues, and not worth looking at in shallower ones. Without thinking about it for longer than 30 seconds, I think Lauer is the only pitcher doing that this year.
Josh Hader – Hit the Covid IL. Wonder if he got it at Lollapalooza. Did you see Fred Durst? He looked like he stepped out of the Beastie Boys’ Sabotage video or an episode of Undercover Boss. Any hoo! Hader will be out at least ten days and Devin Williams could get some saves, but Brad Boxberger (2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.64) got his 4th save last night.
John Axford – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, as he returned to baseball, but left after 22 pitches with elbow discomfort. Damn, that’s not how feel-good stories are supposed to go. Just this year, Axford was doing TV work for the Jays and then pitching for the Brewers. In a related story, Buck Martinez would be better than four-fifths of the Orioles’ rotation.
