Damn, the planets had all lined up for Jacoby Ellsbury to be overrated for 2014 fantasy baseball. 50+ bases and only four times caught (!). Some power (8 homers) and solid counting stats (89 runs; 52 RBIs). Seemingly repeatable numbers for 2014. All he needed to do was get through this season healthy so people would forget how he can’t get through a season healthy. Then, he goes and injuring himself. Now when I say to avoid him next year, people are gonna think I actually have a point rather than being the cracked out of his mind guy who invented something this weekend that I will only share with you. It’s really for our four girl readers, but since guys are likely to buy it for their women, here it is: a Segway vacuum cleaner. Think of it as a ride-along Roomba! Brilliant, I know. So, as of right now, Ellsbury’s in a walking boot. That sounds terrific. Almost as good as Salvador Perez when a loved one is on their death bed. Ellsbury headed off to the Steadman Clinic for a second opinion — ’bout time he started bringing in some money for Oprah! — and Ellsbury was diagnosed with a compression fracture. Ellsbury’s not going to be back until the playoffs, in the best case scenario. I’d absolutely drop him. In his place has been Jackie Bradley Jr., who can walk multiple times in one game! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Matt Harvey – Will see Dr. Freeze this week. The Mets say it’s still undecided on whether or not Harvey needs Tommy John surgery. It will come down to whether Dr. James Andrews wants an extension on his beach house in Costa Rica or if he’s fine with a fifteen-bedroom bungalow. Dr. Andrews said, “I’d really like to give, Mongoose, our parrot, his own wing. Hehe. Get it?”
Wilmer Flores – Could be shut down for the season. The Mets announcement simply said, “We can’t have anything nice.”
Justin Turner – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. When I was home in New York a few weeks ago, I heard a story about how my next door neighbor went out on a date with Turner. He rented out a local bar. It was just him, her and the bartender, and in her words, “After about ten times of him asking me to do shots, and me refusing, I pretended to go to the bathroom and ran out of there. I was worried for my life.” Our fantasy football man, Sky, might look at making Justin Turner the Creeper of the Year.
Danny Salazar – 4 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. Great stuff, nasty stuff, not able to throw five innings? Not streamer stuff.
Esmil Rogers – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, 4.46 ERA. I hit up the Stream-o-Nator, saw it didn’t love Esmil vs. the Twins, so I chose to ignore it. Point for me. Stream-o-Nator is a great tool, but the Twins are not only garbage, but they also don’t have Morneau and Mauer, so they’re garbager (Made up Word of the Day!).
Jose Reyes – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 14th steal. Let’s see what I said right before the All-Star break when I told you to sell Reyes because of his ankle injury he was returning from, “Let’s take me out of the equation for a second. ZiPS has Reyes’s rest of the season projections at 5 more homers and 15 steals. Steamer has 6 more homers and 17 steals.” And that’s me quoting me quoting others! In the 2nd half, Reyes has 5 homers, 6 steals and a .284 average. It’s a’ight, but completely replaceable and you could’ve sold Reyes for a lot more than that. Feed me grapes, Ling Ling! Not Grape Nuts, you stupid monkey!
Samuel Deduno – Could need shoulder surgery. I wonder if when his surgeon operates, he does like Fred Flintstone when Fred would take out his enemies with, “Deduno, chop, chop, chop.”
Andrew Albers – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. His ERA is under 3.00 at home and he gets the Rays next time out in Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome. The Rays are a weird club that looks like the 1927 Yankees some days, and the 1927 Padres on other days. I’d risk it with Albers in that start if you were desperate.
Alex Presley – 2-for-3 and has hit in every game but one since he arrived in the Land O’ Lakes. That, over-the-internet friend, is butter.
Bryce Harper – Flew back to D.C. for tests on his hip. No wonder it’s sore; can’t they get him a plane to fly back in? This sounds like a situation where Harper is going to be shut down for the season.
Tanner Roark – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins on Saturday. Mr. Roark will continue to make fantasy owners’ dreams come true in his next start in Metco.
Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-5 as he hit his 20th homer yesterday and added two homers on Saturday. It’s almost like some guys aren’t content with letting fantasy owners know better than not drafting them, so they push their overall season stats up when most of the people who own them are out of it, then next March you look at their stats and you’re like, “Oh, what’s-his-face wasn’t that bad.” There should be a glossary term for these players. Please suggest in the comments.
Wilson Ramos – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .281 on the year. “Who cares, Grey, I’m eating Cheetos in a van load of dogs while pretending to take them hiking!” That’s you as you pose as a dog walker. Ramos’s numbers are in only 61 games. Yeah, that’s real good.
Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. His ERA against the Marlins this year is 5.82. He throws gas vs. them and it just ends up a Strasburp.
Giancarlo Stanton – Sat out yesterday with a sore foot/ankle. He said he needs a day of rest and massage therapy provided by Grey Albright. Hey, don’t pfft the messenger. He said it.
Jacob Turner – 4 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks. Turner was playing the part of spoiler yesterday. As in, I streamed him and he spoiled my day.
Doug Fister – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 3.77 ERA as he was easily beat by Bruce Chen (7 IP, 2, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks) with his 2.79 ERA. Mr. Fister looks like he has broken wings, and Chen has learned to fly again, learn to live so free.
Eric Hosmer – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. As I’ve said before, how bad a guy burns me in the past doesn’t play that big of a factor going forward as witnessed by my first sleeper post of the year. The scary thing is Hosmer has performed. He was a good draft pick. Yet, his power is miserable compared to my projections. Bring back steroids!
Adam Jones – 1-for-3 and his 31st homer. Hotdamn Jones!
Jay Bruce – 2-for-4 and two homers (28. 29). A Jay Bruce owner in Indochina flapped his wings and Jay Bruce got hot. I suggest everyone who owns him flap their wings too to keep him going. If a co-worker asks you what you’re doing, just tell them you own Jay Bruce. They’ll understand.
Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, his fourth homer in the last ten games. At this point, I want Hanley to stay scorching hot so he’s overrated next year. (Yeah, I partly said that to jinx him. Was it obvious?)
Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. It’s that time again –> Viciedo is a hot schmotato. He hit a homer on Saturday, and is hitting over .300 in the last week. I don’t trust him, but carpe diem, veni, vidi, Viciedo, e pluribus unum and everything else the Latinos say.
Andre Rienzo – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the O’s. Shows you that Left Eye Lopez can burn down his house, but you can’t keep him down.
B.J. Rosenberg – Got the save yesterday because on Saturday Papelbon gave up two runs and he rested on Sunday. So, yes, a B.J. followed a Papelboner.
Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.45. Pretty remarkable turn around by Hamels this year. His ERA was 4.86 entering June, and his ERA in the 2nd half is 2.38. Good for you if you traded for him in June. Pat yourself on the back, because I admittedly was worried that he was hiding an injury. You can stop patting now; you still dropped Domonic Brown in April.
Evan Gattis – 2-for-3 and two solo homers, hitting .353 since his recall, and I’d definitely take a flyer on him if you need help at your catcher slot. Halloween costume idea! Put on a Gattis jersey and stand in a metal garbage can.
Yovani Gallardo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Since he returned from injury, he has 34 1/3 IP and 5 ER, which is a 1.31 ERA. Last time he saw a 1.31 anything, he had a gin and tonic and a tiramisu that he told the waiter to soak with espresso liqueur.
Scooter Gennett – 1-for-2. The Brewers have absolutely nothing to play for except to break the German and Italian Sausage overall tie of 27-27 for the 7th inning stretch race, so why on earth are they benching Scooter? Let him play every single game for every single at-bat to see if he can take over at 2nd base next year! Effin’ schmohawks!
Junior Lake – 2-for-3 and his 6th homer and 2nd in his last two starts, but sat out on Saturday. See 1/12th of an inch above. Why are you benching Lake?!
Erasmo Ramirez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 4.55. Looking for a guy that could be next year’s Matt Harvey? Could be Erasmo. Looking at September Grey being coy!
Kendrys Morales – 1-for-2 and his 20th homer. You ever want to spell his name Kendries? Eh, it’s probably just me.
Derek Jeter – The Yankees won’t shut him down. In related news, who cares?
Hiroki Kuroda – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Red Sox. Guess he still had some juice in the Tang, but you got marbles in your melon if you started him here after his last few outings.
Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-3 and his 15th homer, hitting near .450 in the last week with four homers in the last five games. He’s in beast mode with a number sign, as my mom likes to call a hashtag.
Jonny Gomes – 2-for-5, and 5-for-9 on Saturday and Sunday. He’s a solid matchups play when the Hitter-Tron says so. Hitter-Tron, “I saw this electrical outlet and sparks were flying…” Okay, Hitter-Tron.
Josh Rutledge – 2-for-3. Has been solid since he was recalled, but hasn’t started every day because he obviously slept with Walt Weiss’s wife. If you were to prorate his stats over a full season, he has 15 homers and 20 steals, and I guarantee you he wouldn’t have hit .230 all year. Here you thought Colorado was named after the mountains, but I think it’s after the rocks they have in their head.
Peter Bourjos – Headed for wrist surgery. Fun fact! His doctor calls his blood, Bour jus.
Jason Vargas – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, which comes after he was mollywhopped by the Rays. He gets the Astros next in Houston and it’s not a clear-cut streaming opportunity. In fact, the Stream-o-Nator liked yesterday’s start vs. the Rangers better than his next vs. the Asstros, and I tend to agree. In Fact, Part II: In Fact Lives; Vargas’s ERA vs. the Lastros is 6.55.
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer as he bats near .300 in the last week. Doesn’t he sound like a hot dog restaurant? Yo, if you’re going to Kole Calhoun’s get me a number three with the works and a pineapple soda!
Bartolo Colon – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Go put away all sharp objects. Hmm…You know what? Also put away your stapler. Okay– Wait, put away that lead pencil too. Okay, if you had Bruce Chen and Bartolo Colon, you would be doing better than if you had R.A. Dickey and Justin Verlander. Great, now go outside and pick up your computer you just threw out your window.
Brandon Moss – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Has anyone else ever platooned a clean up hitter all year? Probably, but this successfully? To the point where they’re in first place? And at no point, just said, “Frick it, let’s just leave him in the lineup?” I got questions, y’all!
Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks and pulled after 89 pitches. I’m sure Bochy had a good reason, but forget trying to locate it in his giant head.
Michael Wacha – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks. You looking at this start, “Damn, Grey’s being too conservative telling me to stay away from Wacha! Grey is Gee-Dee handsome though. I wonder if he manscapes.” It’s just a really bad time of the year to be risky, and every rookie pitcher is risky, whether they seem it or not. With that said (reversal time!), he does get the Mariners next, which is about as cushy a start as you can find north of San Diego.
David Freese – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and homered on Saturday. That was his 2nd homer in the last four games. Don’t fully trust him to play every single game, but I still think there’s some power left in his bat. Grab him if you’re struggling at corner infidel. Or as the kids say, “if your strugglin’.”
Jon Jay – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, after going 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a steal on Friday. Taking a SAT logic problem to its illogical conclusion, Jay’s going to have a huge Tuesday.
James McDonald – Designated for assignment. When McDonald heard the news, he said, “E, i, e, i, oh well.”
Charlie Morton – 1 2/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the Cards. Left yesterday’s start with a left foot injury. For a second, the Pirates thought Morton was just doing a damn good Daniel Day-Lewis impersonation when he was screaming in anguish, “My left foot!”
