Give me a buy, a bouncy buy! Wait, might have my Martin Short characters mixed up. *Googling* Damn, that was from his Irving Berlin. Jackie Rogers Jr. didn’t have much of a catchphrase. Last Saturday, JBJ was sworn in as the hottest schmotato in the land as Jackie O., his mother and who he was named after, held the Bible. After the ceremony, JBJ stated, “Compared to taking a free pass, hitting is a cakewalk.” Then he high-fived himself. Jackie Bradley Jr. is more or less a hot platoon player, but Cousin Sizzlechest is about as hot as they come right now. JBJ will cool off at some point, he strikes out a bit too much, but he’s worth owning in all leagues where you’re hurting for that little extra spark. Plus, to get JBJ on your team, you don’t need the assistance of the Cubans, the FBI, Frank Sinatra, Joe Pesci in a bad wig, a vast right wing conspiracy, Joe DiMaggio and some dude named Zapruder. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Carlos Beltran – I’ve never seen The Walking Dead, but if it’s anything like watching the Yankees, I’ve seen it.
Gregor Blanco – Are you white or are you Greg? In that question, lies the answers to the universe.
Khris Davis – You know how we do about this time! Funky record scratch, split twerk by yours truly. Dot dot dot. This time following Davis hitting two homers in a game. We add him. Hurry, if you wait a few days, we’ll already be on the ‘dropping Davis’ time.
Marcell Ozuna – OZUNA get in Buy. OZUNA proud of accomplishment. OZUNA set eyes on next accomplishment, learning what word ‘accomplishment’ mean.
Byron Buxton – I just gave you my Byron Buxton fantasy. It came with a can of wipe ass. The can had a typo.
Travis d’Arnaud – The last two weeks it was where’s the boeuf, Welington, and before that it was Francisco Cervix, then it was OBPwulf, then it was Uncle Fester Mesoraco for one week that we’ll never talk about again, then…Well, you get the picture. It’s a revolving door of craptacular catchers.
Greg Bird – It’s a Greg Bird, it’s a plane, it’s Greg Bird in a plane flying with the Yankees team. Okay, so it’s not that catchy. I already gave you my Greg Bird fantasy. It was written while listening to Roxette.
Travis Shaw – I just gave you my Travis Shaw fantasy too. That was written without the letter B.
Hector Olivera – Hayzeus Cristo, I’ve written about all of these guys in the past week in, like, depth, doode. Here’s my Hector Olivera fantasy. It had a little extra stank put on it.
Mark Canha – Yay, a new guy! Um, yay, Mark Canha? Okay, so there is a reason I didn’t write much about Canha, because Canha. Think that’s funny? Well, you Canhahahahaha.
Danny Valencia – This guy is so iffy I’m not sure if he’s even hot anymore and he was just hot yesterday. That’s a quick reversal of fortune. Don’t like it? You can von Bulow me.
Brock Holt – Finally, someone who doesn’t have 1st base eligibility…Okay, maybe he does, but you should own him and not play him at 1st base. Unless you like losing. If you like losing, I’m gonna have a real hard time helping you.
Derek Dietrich – Looks like Dietrich is ready for his closeup. Okay, wrong old-timey actress, but we’re talking about old actresses so who cares. *phone rings* Hello? Debra Winger? Listen, I’m sorry.
Jonathan Schoop – Who, honestly, doesn’t like Schoop? A show of hands. *looks around* Looks like no one. Perfect. Okay, okay, technically, I can’t see your hands because this is over the internet. No, I don’t want to Skype! Please!
Stephen Piscotty – I’ve been touting him since the day before he was called up. What’s it gonna take for you to react? Piscotty doesn’t know!
Darnell Sweeney – Here’s what I said the other day on Sweeney, “Traded to the Phils and immediately called up. Ruin does seem to be the type to open all his presents Christmas morning and get bored of them by nightfall, except the Rubik’s Cube which he just breaks with a hammer. In Triple-A, Sweeney had nine homers and 32 steals. Oh. I mean, OH! That’s nice. He could be a guy without a lot of real life pub that produces nice fantasy numbers. I grabbed him in one NL-Only league just to see what he can do.” And that’s me quoting me!
Aaron Altherr – In a complicated world that is at times unkind, I’m happy to report one of us in this big ol’ snow globe we call earth has things figured out in the difficult labor of love we call “naming our fantasy team.” The rapper, Chingy, finally named his team, I Like The Way You Do That Altherr, Altherr. I don’t know Altherr’s playing time, but he’ll likely play and has speed and power with no average.
Wilmer Flores – This is more of a Hitter-Tron call, like the call the Hitter-Tron made to Jiffy Lube and asked them to put on “an oiled-up exhaust system.”
Odubel Herrera – At one point this week, he was hitting third. Not to laugh, but to ruminate on how bad the Phillies are.
Chris Bassitt – You think when Pomeranz relieves Bassitt the A’s PA announcer will play, “Who Let The Dogs Out?” Meh, who am I kidding, in Oaktown they only play Mac Dre.
Raisel Iglesias – I don’t hate “Raise the Church,” but this is more of a Stream-o-Nator pick than anything else.
Junichi Tazawa – Sometimes when the sushi chefs say to me in chorus their hellos in their very distinctive way, I say back, “Junichi Tazawa.” You know what I never say, “Jean Machi.” Should’ve known to not trust a guy that sounds like a 85-year-old woman.
Drew Pomeranz – The only reliever in the A’s pen that looks decent is Pomeranz, and, as his name implies, he’s not exactly ferocious coming out of the pen.
Bruce Rondon – I wouldn’t be shocked if Rondon yields to Alex Wilson occasionally for a save. i.e., if saves were women, Bruce is no Rondon Juan.
Kevin Jepsen – Still tough to say on this shituation. Perkins could get saves again starting tomorrow or he could be out for a few weeks if his neck doesn’t respond to its olestra injections. Actually, I have no idea what they injected in his neck, but that’s what I would’ve injected. You know how to inoculate against a disease they inject them with a small amount of it? Well, olestra causes runs, so to block a pitcher from giving up runs…Frank Voila! Grey Albright’s School of Medicine!
SELL
Jonathan Lucroy – Since this might be the last time I get a chance to say it, someone in Tout Wars drafted Lucroy in the 2nd round! I don’t even remember who it was anymore it was so long ago, but that will never get old. I guess the one defense that can be said for this ‘pert is he also grabbed Schwarber off of waivers. Granted, he spent $96 of his $100 in FAAB, which guaranteed he couldn’t make anymore moves all year, and Schwarber was sent down right after he won that bid, but he held him, so it’s not all CLEF with them. (CLEF = Crazy Lunatic Eats with Feet.)
Ryan Zimmerman – I know, I know, he could win the MVP. It’s still early! But winning the MVP is long term, I bet you can do better than Zimmerman in the short term.
Hunter Pence – This is an easy drop, he’s injured. *drops Pence, Pence gets inches from the ground, spreads his wings, flaps up and flies towards the sunset* Whoa.
Anthony Rendon – The Nats didn’t even play him in the majority of games in Coors. “Alex, is that a reason Rendon is diaper doodie?” Yes, another Jeopardy grand championship for me! I could see holding Rendon in most deeper mixed leagues, but I’m thisclose to moving on in a 12-team league, and likely should’ve five months ago. *opens The Grey Times newspaper, turns to obit section* Rendon, you are dead to me!
