I’ve Been Reduced To Being A Luised Garcia Salesman

On the podcast the other day, I compared Jordan Westburg to Bo Bichette, and BDon stopped the podcast, called his job and told them he needed two years off to organize a music festival called, “Grey’s Finally Admitted About Overrating Bo-Chella.” At Bo-Chella, as it will be known colloquially, the headliners will be Jordan Westburg, Jackson Merrill, Luis Garcia Jr., and Jose Caballero. All middle infidels who are projected near Bichette’s stats and went in drafts about 150 to 250 picks later. Then Bronson Arroyo, Adam Wainwright and Bernie Williams will close out the festival, because there wouldn’t be a music festival revolving around baseball without those three guys not showing up and performing terrible music. Oh, God, on Stage 2 right now is Bronson Arroyo doing a Limp Biscuit cover. Man, that sounds awful. Wait, that is Limp Biscuit? Oh, okay. So, Westburg this year I wrote a sleeper post for him and I don’t want to repeat everything I said there, but it’s all relevant still, and should be rostered in all leagues. I’d instead like to turn our attention to Luis Garcia Jr. The guy who added Jr. to his name because he was sick of saying 12 times, “No, the other Luis Garcia.” I have a timer set to notify me when Statcast sliders are officially no longer a small sample so I can look at Luis Garcia’s to see if it’s still so pretty, because he looks Sweet Sassy Molassy. He’s a 15-ish homer, 15-ish steal guy with a .280 average. That’s basically…Well, I gotta run, I’m headed into a tent to hear Bernie Williams play WAR What Is It Good For (It’s Just A Baseball Stat That Nerds Use) at Bo-Chella. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

PSYCHE! This post was released on Wednesday for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:

BUY

Rene Pinto – [makes farting noise with hand under armpit] That’s Pinto’s walk-up music.

Nick Fortes – With Bethancourt adjourned for the time being, it’s Fortes’s job. He excels…what’s another word for excels? Well, his Fortes is power.

Riley Adams – With Kiebert out cussing !&*(!^%~! his cold, Adams has the lead catcher job in Washington and he’s got power too.

Ryan O’Hearn – There’s no one hotter than O’Hearn. Okay, Nick Nastrini is, clearly. But non-male strippers-wise, it’s O’Hearn.

Gavin Sheets – Listing Sheets before Pages, like I’m a thesaurus that don’t know alphabetical order. Just absolutely carelessly free-ballin’ words!

Gabriel Arias – Yo Gabby Gabby getting those ABs! (That sorta seemed clever in my head. My brain doing nonsense 24/7 and now backlashing.)

Amed Rosario – Has been one of the hottest bats of the last week. *makes sign of cross* Amed.

David Hamilton – This week’s collection of shortstops to buy was how do you say…lacking? Actually, that is exactly how you say it.

Jose Miranda – Loved Miranda for a few years, then I realized I only liked him because others were saying nice things even though nothing ever good came of him. That’s kinda been the Twins’ hitting prospects for a few years, right? Everyone loves them, then they do nothing. Any hoo! Miranda’s young and has a job right now.

Jurickson Profar – Not sure if you heard, but Dodgers’ catcher, Will Smith, called Profar irrelevant, and clearly Will Smith has never rostered Julio Rodriguez in April. You could also watch BDon and I on Youtube discuss Profar, but here’s the relevant clip:

Josh H. Smith – I don’t want to accuse Bochy of playing Smith in place of Jung just because they have the same first name and Bochy can’t retain any new info in his giant melon ball, but that’s prolly the reason Smith’s been playing a lot.

Blake Perkins – Not entirely sure why but Perkins suddenly took over in the outfielder every day, i.e., Oliver is Dunn. It’s all over, Oliver, you’re done, Dunn. Do I need to go on? No? Okay. Perkins has nice power/speed and makes good contact. Seems like a NL-Only guy who might actually become a 12-team mixed league guy.

Jesse Winker – To pick up Winker, you need a nudge. A little wink, wink, he’s been hitting.

Edward Olivares – Feels a bit like when Olivares was traded he was sent to his new team with instructions like he’s a Gremlin. Don’t feed after midnight, don’t play more than twice a week.

Jonatan Clase – Just gave you my Jonatan Clase fantasy. It had it up to here with you!

Andy Pages – Already gave you my Andy Pages fantasy. It was written on non-paper pages.

Joc Pederson – When he hits one homer, he always follows it with a week of homers, then he goes cold for three weeks. I study this shizz!

Brenton Doyle – The wrong Rockies’ outfielder cut his strikeout rate this year. I’m farting in your general direction, Nolan Jones.

Sean Bouchard – I like Bouchard, and he’s performed well in his limited time in the majors. Those are two things going against him to get playing time for the Rockies.

Nelson Velazquez – Wrote a Nelson Velazquez sleeper this past preseason, so I’m bias, but I love me some Velazquez. Kinda reminds me of Olivares without those “can’t be exposed to sunlight” restrictions.

Esteury Ruiz – Not sure who’s wife he slept with, but the A’s seem like they want to ship Ruiz off for parts to another team. Fun fact! Shipping Esteury is what they call entry to the Panama Canal. Any hoo! If Ruiz plays, his speed is usable in any league.

Logan Allen – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to the lifeguard stand.

Louie Varland – This schmohawk better finally be decent, but this too is a Streamonator call. “I’m afraid to touch the water for fear of rusting, so can you carry me just above the waves…Yes, I see, um, I weigh seventeen-hundred pounds.”

Kirby Yates – He could be the closer in Texas all year, racking up 30 saves and becoming one of the top pickups of the year. Or be out of the closer job by next week. SAGNOF, you wicked little jerk!

Jeff Hoffman – Phils are so overdue to get lucky with installing someone as their closer, who inexplicably holds the job all year (only to blow up in the playoffs).

James McArthur – His peripherals look like what you wanted from Josh Hader, who instead is bombing like MacArthur, the other one.

Nick Sandlin – I know a lot of baseball players. Filling one’s head with useless info isn’t a brag. With that said, middle relievers are still the few guys I don’t know. Fun, I’m learning about guys! Sandlin? Who tee eff? [looking at his stats] Okay, that’s who tee eff Sandlin is! I’m down with that! [watching highlights] Oh, I’m not the only one down, so is his splitter. Nasty little boy!

SELL

Marcell Ozuna – So, I’ve recounted a few dozen (hundred?) times how I was able to draft Ozuna in a’pert auction league for one dollar. That’s one penny over ninety-nine cents. That’s with Bidenflation! You couldn’t get a carton of milk for a dollar! You couldn’t get Keibert Ruiz for $1! That’s insane value. Also, Ozuna is where on the Player Rater? Okay, I’m sorry, his value might not get any higher than right now ever for the rest of his career. That’s slightly better than we should expect from him. No, he won’t continue on the 50-homer, 160 RBIs pace. I wouldn’t trade Ozuna for a ticket to see the ex-Puppetry of the Penis star turned snake handler but I would go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.