The Night of the Hunter Greene

Anyone that rosters Hunter Greene will understand this feeling. Greene doesn’t produce happiness until he’s out of the game. Can’t even watch him out of fear. Even when he’s pitching well, there’s a sense of dread that at any moment the other Greene will appear and he’ll walk the bases loaded, then give up a grand slam to the most random of hitters.

“And there’s a deep drive to Jose Herrera…”
“Did you make up that name?”
“I did not.”

There’s likely a German word for what Greene does to us. This state of not-happiness, not-sadness. Please suggest a glossary term in the comments for this type of pitcher, who pitches well but you can’t enjoy because you’re expecting the worst.

Yesterday, Hunter Greene (7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.40) was absolutely butter on the back of a Corvette that had “TOAST” spraypainted on it. He could be again next time out. He absolutely could. If anyone tells you he absolutely will, they’re lying to you. There’s no way of knowing which Hunter Greene you’re going to get from start to start. Not yet, at least. At some point, he will be an ace, or blow out his elbow trying. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jonathan India – Will begin a rehab assignment. Oh em gee. Thought I lost India, but now I’m Vasco da Gama up in this piece!

Mike Moustakas – Hit the IL with no designation, which designates Covid and why they can’t just say Covid is beyond me. If homeboy lost his testicles in a piranha attack, they’d tell you. But don’t say Covid!

Brandon Drury – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer. Brandon Drury heard people complaining his last name was hard to pronounce, so he’s changed it to Brandon Rural-Juror.

Nick Senzel – 1-for-4, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal. It’s been so long since Senzel popped up on the “interesting meter” — Audience refrain, “How long is it?” It’s so long ago, it was from before Kanye was crazy. Nick Senzel’s prospect interest is so old, it went to high school with Joe Biden. Nick Senzel’s prospect interest is so old it knows who Jesus Sanchez is named after.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the congregation, please turn to Psalm: Senzel-Grade-80.”

That’s right, Nick Senzel appeared in the Bible. Not talking The Bill James Historical Baseball Abstract Book either. You might’ve heard his name because he didn’t only appear in various historical places throughout history, but people actually were interested in him, once upon a time ago. He was once 70-grade prospect. A sure bet to hit .300. A lock to hit 30 homers one day. A real good chance of stealing 15+ bags, they said. Then literally everything else happened to him. He was sidelined longer with vertigo than Jimmy Stewart. If you think this is a long blurb because there were only three games, you’re not wrong, but the interest is still there! He’s been hitting leadoff, and if he were to stay healthy, I can’t imagine he doesn’t find himself 12-team mixed league interest.

Kyle Farmer – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs, hitting .350-ish over the last five games with a home run. He’s been a light schmotato for a minute.

Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.64. Streamonator doesn’t like Bum at all — it’s more of a leg robot — and I don’t disagree.

Dallas Keuchel – Signed with the Diamondbacks. Do all cooked lefties go there to retire?

Bo Bichette – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. The power and the speed will be there. The average isn’t yet, but guess what? That’ll be there too. The move is to buy low, not be thankful you don’t have him.

Ross Stripling – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.65. Thank you, Streamonator! May I have another (as in his 2nd start this week).

Daniel Lynch – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.36. That Da. Lynch doesn’t go to the mound in a blue velvet Royals uni shows a real lack of imagination.

Santiago Espinal – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Espinal feels like he’s having one of those magical years that comes out of nowhere and disappears as quickly next year.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer. Bringing sexy Cake Batter.

Noah Syndergaard – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.69. Crazy how many people comment about dropping Syndergaard. I’d like those people to try to roster Robbie Ray for one start.

Michael Wacha – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.99. Every time Robbie Ray starts I feel like the entire roundup becomes me bitching about him, but, seriously, roster Robbie Ray or Wacha? Look at Wacha’s ERA! Are you in leagues without ERA? Can I get in those leagues? Is a category in those leagues, “Tight Pants?”

Blake Snell – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.68. Blake Snell sold his soul for one Cy Young year more so than Rick Porcello. Porcello had better years after his Cy Young than Snell. I’m not kidding. Snell’s been basically unstartable for the better part of four years.

Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.52. Carrasco showed the Padres he’s their daddy! Is that a thing? I couldn’t have created that.

Tylor Megill – Will be returning this weekend. It’s time to stash! *you start drawing a mustache on his face* No! I mean, okay, that too.

Eduardo Escobar – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three days, as he hit for the cycle. The Colombian cycle! The Cuervo Gold. Escobar is a fine Colombian. He made tonight a wonderful thing.

Luke Voit – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. From Steely Dan to Who Gives An Eff Man. Voit went from zero to hero back to zero quicker than Ronnie Miller.

Jose Altuve – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Jose Altuve has us Short Kings just about even after Randy Newman’s song set us back 50 years.

Cristian Javier – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.22. It was against the Mariners! What are you doing, man?! Did someone tell you to try to pitch as well as Robbie Ray? Did they mention which year?! Because not this year, bro!

Kyle Tucker – 3-for-4 and a slam (10) and legs (10), and 2nd homer in as many games. Bring us a new Juli*, baby! *Juli is the state of being hot like Yuli Gurriel in 2019 July.

Chas McCormick – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Incredible that I grabbed six or seven guys across multiple leagues yesterday for a batty call, and saw Chas McCormick on waivers in each of those leagues, and thought, “I don’t need none of your seasonings, McCormick!”

Robbie Ray – 5 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.97. Robbie Ray figured out a way to win; just be less bad than the other starter. Robbie Ray: Less Bad. Robbie Ray’s the literal definition of lowercase yay. It’s really the 3 Ks that pisses me off.

Julio Rodriguez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .277. Don’t ask me how high I’m gonna rank Jul-Rod next year, ask me what’s too high? Because I don’t know if there’s any such thing.

Cal Raleigh – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer. If you were looking at Yasmani Grandal around pick 150 this year in drafts, you would’ve been better off waiting until pick 750 and taking Cal Raleigh. Welcome to fantasy baseball: We all have ulcers!

Bailey Ober – Hit the IL with a groin strain, and 2nd time he’s hit the IL with the same injury. Last time an Ober and groin strain was this bad it was related to Kari Wuhrer.