Alex Gordon is out for eight weeks with a seriously strained groin. To add insult to injury, his strained groin was in the smallest colander they could find. Ouch! Sure, in deep leagues, this one hurts. I’m not doubting that. Okay, I am, but let’s stay on good footing today since it’s Friday, and say I’m not doubting it. However (Grey’s cranking the sail and turning this boat around!), Gordon getting hurt in shallower leagues is actually a blessing. Now you can grab hot waiver wire guys and stop relying on boring production from Gordon. Real Talk with Grey Albright. One such guy that I’d grab is Gordon’s teammate and all-around vacuuming chicken, Jarrod Dyson (2-for-4 and his 11th steal). There might not be a bigger value change for one player in the last week, let alone the last month than this one for Dyson. Maybe all year if I can be stupidly hyperbolic without getting called on it. Dyson had the biggest value change since 1925 when Wally Pipp had a tooth pulled and Gehrig got a start at 1st. Dyson had the biggest value change since big pox decided to downgrade to small pox. Dyson could steal 25 bases in eight weeks. No, I’m no longer exaggerating. I’d grab him everywhere I needed SAGNOF! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Yordano Ventura – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.73 as he returned from the DL. This was his shortest start of the year that didn’t end in assault and battery charges.
Lorenzo Cain – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (8) and legs (17), and 2nd homer in as many games. One thing you don’t hear discussed much when it comes to the All-Star Game, I don’t want the break for some guys because it means they’ll have chance to cool off. Send Cain…Sugar! to Cuba for a few days so he can keep playing during the break!
Salvador Perez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Because the All-Star Game airs on Fox and Fox (or any main network really) is about seven years behind the times with their musical choices on the pre-game show, five over-the-internet dollars says the opening has this in it: Wiz Khalifa singing, “No love for ’em breaking balls, at catcher, Perez to start…black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow!”
John Jaso – 1-for-4, 1 RBI as he got his first career start in the outfield. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column and I can promise you he will be the most uninteresting name there.
Nate Karns – 6 IP, 7 ER. Conspiracy Theory Alert! Major League Baseball realized that the Royals fans are the most active fan base, so to cater to them, they’re using juiced balls at Royals games.
Steven Matz – Sidelined with a partially torn lat muscle and won’t throw for three weeks. Matz + torn lat = Dratz. Hey, the math was actually right there! For those that don’t understand how this could happen to Matz, one word explains it: Mets. If he won’t even throw for three weeks, that gives this timetable: throws in three weeks, feels good, goes on a rehab assignment for two weeks and returns in the sixth week from today (September). That’s the best case scenario. In mixed redraft leagues, I could see dropping him. In keepers and NL-Only, I’d hold but we might only see another four to six starts from him this year, if that.
Drew Stubbs – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. Last year in just over 400 ABs, Stubbs was a top 40 outfielder for mixed leagues. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because I’m telling you right here, right now, Jesus Jones, grab him, for at least his games in Coors.
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-5, 1 run. Man, I love hitters in their prime in Coors.
Alex Wood – 0 IP, 0 ER, out after two pitches. That’s because there was two pitches thrown and then a two-hour rain delay. You might think it’s insane Fredi pulled him after two pitches, but it’s much crazier that the umpires started the game at all. If you can’t get through an inning, how do you start the game? Then you allow the 2nd half of the 1st inning to begin so a guy can throw two pitches? Insane!
Jace Peterson – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs. Yadda, yadda, ya he’s in Coors for the next three days.
Zack Greinke – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 0 walks, 8 Ks, ERA down to 1.39. I’d start Miss Marple vs. the Phils.
Adrian Gonzalez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. He had eight homers in April and hit .383. Guess who told you to sell him? (Hint: It was me.) In May, two homers, hit .274. In June, 3 homers and hit .248.
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. Finally. I was seriously thinking we might be waiting for pigs to fly.
Casey McGehee – Re-signed with the Marlins. Marlins fans, your prayers have been answered. Assuming you have the worst prayers ever.
Jose Fernandez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. Next year, J-Fer will be a top 10 starter? Top 5? Top 3? Top top? Top top top? I’m gonna go with five, but I have no argument against three or top top. Top top top seems a bit much.
Dee Gordon – 2-for-3, 2 runs and 3 steals (31, 32, 33), hitting .336. He’d have to hit around .240 in the 2nd half to get below .300 and I just don’t see that happening, which means he’s gone from a guy that couldn’t hit his way out of a paper bag to a .300 hitter in three years. Though, I’d still take the paper bag if it were double-ply and Gordon didn’t have a bat with him.
Starling Marte – Could be headed to the DL. Maybe I’m going through the five stages of grief and am in serious denial, but I don’t mind him being DL’d. Better that than he tries to play this weekend and hurts himself more. Let him have this week and next week, then returns on the tail end of the following week with a refurbished oblique.
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-4 and a homer. Player A: 56/11/42/.304/18, Player B: 46/11/54/.301/5. Player A is A.J. Pollock and B is McCutchen.
Kolten Wong – Says he can play Friday. I don’t want to kick a gift Wong in the mouth — Huh? — but I sorta wish he’d wait until next week to play. I guess, if he feels good, then I’m not one to hold a good Wong down. What?
Carlos Martinez – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 2.52. For dropping this guy, I kinda want to curl into a ball in the bottom of a bottle.
Yadier Molina – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st steal. That’s his first steal since January 27th when he stole brother Benjie’s last bite of chop suey with the ol’ “Hey, look over there” gambit.
Alexei Ramirez – Sat out yesterday with a foot bruise. He’s been playing too much pickup soccer, which sounds like an oxymoron.
Melky Cabrera – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Put your password in the comments and I’ll pick up Melky for you. I promise I won’t say anything if your password is Goonies4ever.
Jeff Samardzija – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 4.02. It’s obviouzija that he’s pitching better than he was, but five Ks in nine innings screams to me that he’s not close to pitching the same he was even last year. Looking deeper at his numbers shows he’s doubled his cutter usage and has severely cut back on his fastball. Lots of cutters means more ground balls, right? Actually, they’re down (not literally). I don’t know why, but he’s a different pitcher this year.
Cody Anderson – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 0.89. *on the phone, listening to ABBA hold music, finally someone picks up* Where’s the Regression Fairies?!
Francisco Lindor – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. He has one steal. In Double-A last year? 25 steals and six homers. In Triple-A this year? 2 homers and nine steals. In other words, dubya tee eff! Is he a pen pal with Alcides Escobar?
Hank Conger – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, hitting .240. The Astros never did the smart thing and made this guy the starter, but if they had, he has 5 homers in 100 at-bats. If he had 400 ABs? 20 homers! Don’t scoff, I had to take off my shoes to count those.
Jesus Montero – Was recalled from Triple-A. Jesus will serve as the DH vs. left handers and as an inspiration to billions of people.
Logan Morrison – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 12th homer as he hits leadoff again. Austin Jackson’s out and that’s it? They have no one else to hit leadoff? Am I the only making something out of this? Logan Morrison hitting leadoff is like Wilson Ramos hitting leadoff. It’s absolutely bizzonkers!
Felix Hernandez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.84. F-Her always seems to bring it vs. the Angels. Was that a Whitesnake album title?
Dustin Ackley – 2-for-5, 2 runs and homered on Wednesday. He’s now batting around .375 in the last week, and could be a rising hot schmotato.
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-5 and his 10th homer, hitting .266. It’s funny (not funny), at the end of the year, Calhoun has 22 homers and good counting stats and all looks fine, but when he’s in July and hitting one homer every ten days or so, it looks a lot less desirable.
Huston Street – “Well, that’s an odd sign.” “Which one, Unkie Grey?” “Street closed, use Joe Smith.” “What happened, Unkie Grey?” “Street tweaked his groin.” “Unkie Grey, this is getting weird. I wanna go home.” Sounds like Street will be down for a few days, I’d use the service road and grab Smith.
David Price – 8 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Twins. The Twins actually didn’t look that bad against Price. For them. Which is still bad.
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. You right after your draft, “Look at my middle infield, Kinsler and Cano! I’m taking that into a bar to get laid!” You now, “Poor me another one, I’m a jerk off for trusting these schmohawks!”
Jesse Hahn – Scratched from his Saturday start and headed for an MRI due to his right elbow. I’m sure this will turn out well.
Jesse Chavez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. I still like Chavez, but this was a tough matchup, that I agreed with the Stream-o-Nator on. He shouldn’t have been started in most leagues.
Brett Gardner – 3-for-5 and his 10th homer, hitting .303. As I’ve mentioned, I’m currently busy putting together a top 100 for the 2nd half. Gardner’s a tricky one, because right now, he’s a top 20 player. Not a top 20 outfielder. That’s all of baseball.
Masahiro Tanaka – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 3.63. My preseason projections for him were “don’t draft him” and 10-4/3.49/1.15/150. His WHIP’s at 1.03, but otherwise I’m spot-on. He just got his fifth win with 67 Ks. My Magic Eight Ball don’t play.
Chase Headley – Out with an swollen calf. That sounds like a farmer who misread the directions on how to make foie gras.
Delmon Young – Orioles cut ties with Delmon. At a press conference, Delmon appeared in a yarmulke with payess, showing repentance, but it was too little, too Yentl.
